Harry Potter and the absolute Fuckery of life

Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
F/F
F/M
M/M
G
Harry Potter and the absolute Fuckery of life
Summary
First Year: Philosophers stone, only difference is he kept it and let them think It was destroyed by something else. After all he still wanted to like potions.Second year: Beginning after the fallout of the duelling club, when it was revealed he was a parselmouth, except Ron and hermione don't believe its not him at first. And so with everyone leaving him alone you'll see what happens.
Note
He was on a like three week binge of books and being alone so it's the 4th of January in both chapters one and two.
All Chapters Forward

Obscure Magic

January 7th, 2013

“You said you only have the one vault?” Theo asked, visibly exasperated. He facepalmed at the confusion etched on Harry’s face.

“Harry, you are the heir to an Ancient and Noble House—possibly several. You definitely have more than one vault. Families as old as ours have an Artifact Vault for heirlooms passed down through generations, a General Family Vault for storing the majority of gold, and some even have a Business Vault. Depending on the number of family branches, each member may have their own Trust Vault. As the heir, you would—and should—have access to everything.”

“Ancient and Noble House? Heir?” Harry understood the vaults and their purpose, but the titles left him bewildered.

“They're, for a lack of a better term, the oldest pureblood houses, especially those with a legacy of successful wizards and witches. These families have produced extremely influential individuals for generations, earning their titles over time. For example, the Blacks, though they’ve mostly died out, and the Malfoys, who are newer and only have the title of Noble House. Then there’s my house, the Ancient and Noble House of Nott, which traces its lineage back to powerful soldiers. The heir is typically the firstborn child of the lord, or head of the house.”

“So the Potters weren’t just a rich family I was born into...” Harry muttered, realization dawning on him. A grimace crossed his face, and without his notice, his dyed hair shifted to a light blue. He sighed, and the color returned to green and red. “I have a lot to learn, don’t I?”

“Yeah, you probably do,” Theo deadpanned, crossing his arms.

“Why couldn’t I just be a rich boy?” Harry lamented, burying his face in his hands.

“Okay, first order of business: we need to know all your titles. The heir to the Potter family is a given, but some people can have more than one title, and some Muggle-borns aren’t actually just descended from Muggles. So we should get you an inheritance test.”

“Inheritance test?” Harry asked, a hint of confusion in his voice.

“Yes! It’s a test that uses your blood to uncover titles, vaults, blocks, and any compulsions, including lasting spells or rituals that have been placed on your body. It scans your blood and magic for irregularities. You’ve probably already fixed some things with that potion you drank, but getting tested is still important.” Theo grimaced at the mention of the potion, which harry shares to drink but won’t share the recipe.

“Alright, so where is the test, and when should we leave to go get it? I just learned what a Portkey is and how to make illegal ones.” Harry grinned mischievously at Theo.

Theo sat stock still at the mention of illegal Portkeys, his eyes wide with a mix of shock and caution. After a moment, he regained his composure. “We’d have to go to Diagon Alley or Knockturn, but either way, Gringotts is open 24/7. We just need to come up with a good alibi.”

Harry leaned back in his chair, fingers drumming on the table as he considered the possibilities. “How about we say we’re just out for a late-night snack? Or something dumb like that i’m always up for treacle tart so hermione and my roomates would more than believe it”

“Sure, because nothing screams ‘innocent Hogwarts students’ like a midnight sugar run.” Theo rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress a grin. “Alright, let’s just make sure we don’t get caught. The last thing we need is an encounter with the Ministry over a blood test.”

“Or worse, Dumbledore finding out!” Harry chuckled, the prospect of the adventure igniting a spark of excitement in him.

“Exactly. So, are you ready for this? It could change everything,” Theo said, his expression turning serious as he regarded Harry.

“More than ready,” Harry replied, determination shining in his eyes. “Let’s do it.”

Harry grinned as he pointed his wand at the ground, tracing a large circle with a flourish. “Cooperio Obstructis Magnus!” he declared, and the circle glowed bright gold, illuminating the dim room.

 

Theo watched in awe, his eyes wide. “What is that?”

 

“That’s a ward that hides any magic done inside it,” Harry explained, a smug smirk playing on his lips. “Underage or not, dark or not, unforgivable or not. We could cast anything in here, and it won’t show on our wands. Our signatures won’t be attached, and best of all? It can’t be tracked.”

 

Theo’s expression shifted from awe to shock. “You said... dark magic can be hidden by it? How do you know that?” He blinked, mouth agape.

 

“Well, first, Slytherin’s journal claimed it could conceal dark magic, but I wasn’t about to take that at face value,” Harry said, a glint of mischief in his eye. “So I used the ward to curse some items. Sent them right to Malfoy.”

 

He paused for dramatic effect, letting the anticipation build. “There’s a reason his hair is purple and he hasn’t even noticed yet.”

 

Theo’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief. “You cursed his hair?”

 

“Not just that!” Harry laughed, enjoying the thrill of it. “I transfigured some dirt into this pretty amulet and layered a Color Change Curse and a Dark Perception Curse onto it. So everyone will see him with purple hair but he still sees his little blonde hair. At Least once the curse is over he gets to keep the amulet, it has the potter and Malfoy Crests on it in a sign of friendship.”

 

He leaned in closer to Theo, his grin widening. “And now he thinks he’s received a lovely gift as an ‘apology’ for rejecting his friendship.” He made air quotes with his fingers, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “I’ve made amends with the whole Malfoy family and got one over on little malfoy at the same time!”

He leaned back, a Cheshire grin still plastered on his face. “When you told me I’d offended the whole family, I was like, ‘Oh, great! I am not dealing with a blood feud on top of all this political bullshit!’ So, I decided to send apology letters to each family member, each accompanied by a small gift. Only Draco’s was cursed, of course.”

Theo shook his head in disbelief, a smile tugging at his lips. “That type of situation, the obscure magic you learn, is exactly why we still hang out. You cursed someone while simultaneously apologizing! And the best part? He won’t even notice! If anyone tries to tell him, he won’t believe them because he can’t see it.”

Harry laughed, feeling a rush of exhilaration. “Exactly! It’s like I’m pulling off a grand heist without anyone being the wiser. I can play nice while still keeping my edge. Who knew that unmaking a few enemies could be so fun?”

“Just make sure you don’t bite off more than you can chew,” Theo warned, though his tone was playful. “You’ve already set the stage for some serious drama with the Malfoys.”

“Oh, I’m counting on it!” Harry replied, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “Nothing like a little chaos to keep things interesting.”

“Alright, so we need Portkeys that will get us through the wards. I know where a few gaps are that’ll let us slip in and out, but I can also make four Portkeys right here that’ll take us to Gringotts and back,” Harry said, a confident smile spreading across his face. “Ever since my little healing potion, my magic has been getting better—especially with Transfiguration.”

“So we have two options,” he continued. “We can make the Portkeys in undetectable places, but that means we’ll have to sneak back to our dorms. Or, you can show me where your dorm is, and I can make one that goes straight to your room.”

“Uh, let’s go with the second one. Portkeys to our dorms sound much safer,” Theo replied, a hint of excitement in his voice. “They don’t make any sounds, so I can just ward my curtains shut. They stopped caring about me doing that months ago when they realized I tend to just read with a light on.”

Harry couldn’t help but smile back at Theo, who was grinning like a kid in a candy store at the mention of reading. The sight almost made Harry blush—a new development he wasn’t quite sure how to handle. “Alright then, let’s get to it. I can’t wait to see what books you’ve been hoarding.”

Theo chuckled, his enthusiasm infectious. “You’ll be impressed, I promise!”


As they descended into the dungeons, Harry cast a spell to turn his tie green and silver, letting his hair fall over his green eye to mask his identity. With a quick adjustment of his robes, he transformed into someone who could easily blend in with Slytherins.

“Pureblood,” Theo stated confidently. The door to the common room opened with a low hiss, announcing, “ welcome to the common room students .”

Harry snorted, a smirk tugging at his lips as he hissed back, “ Thank you for welcoming me, door .”

Theo shot him a bemused glance but chose not to comment as they stepped inside, making a beeline for the dorms.

With a quick glance around the common room, Harry noted that it was far dimmer than the Gryffindor common room. Cool tones enveloped the space, creating an atmosphere that felt soothing and inviting. It was comforting, and he found himself drawn to the subtle elegance of the decor. Little snakes were intricately woven into the furniture design, their playful forms slithering gracefully across the surfaces. Harry couldn’t help but suppress a delighted coo at the sight, feeling an unexpected sense of warmth and belonging.

Harry was yanked from his thoughts—literally—by Theo, who grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the boys' dormitory, steering him straight to his bed.

 

“Ooh~ dirty boy, finally breaking that bed in, Theo?” a sultry voice teased from across the room. Blaise Zabini lounged on his own bed, a book titled Undetectable Poisons and Their Functions open in his lap. Theo resolutely ignored him, but harry couldn’t.

Harry felt his cheeks heat up at the insinuation, quickly averting his gaze. He focused intently on the layout of the room, committing the location of Theo’s bed to memory, all while trying to shake off the embarrassment.

Harry settled casually onto Theo’s bed, flicking his wand to send a “Finite” at his tie. He deftly secured his hair back into a bun using the tie, relishing the sense of freedom. “He was just letting me check out the common room and his book collection. And maybe see Angela, since I wanted to check on her.”

The transformation of his tie, combined with the sight of his now-visible green eye and the faded scar on his forehead, seemed to trigger a realization in Blaise. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “Potter?”

“The one and only,” Harry grinned, his amusement evident. He leaned back, enjoying the moment, and added, “I bet you didn’t expect to see me here. Don’t worry; I promise I’m not here to continue any house feuds.”

Blaise raised an eyebrow, recovering quickly. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll find a way to keep things interesting, Potter.”

Harry chuckled, feeling more at ease in the Slytherin dorm. “You have no idea.” 

Theo walked around a corner, a grin spreading across his face as he reappeared with Angela coiled around his neck, her scales glinting in the dim light. In his hands, he held a couple of ancient-looking runic texts, their pages weathered and filled with intricate designs.

Speaker!! ” Angela exclaimed, her voice a soft hiss, before leaping gracefully from Theo’s shoulders to wrap herself around Harry’s neck. The warmth of her body contrasted with the cool atmosphere of the common room.

Well, hello to you too, Angela, ” Harry replied, his smile wide as he instinctively reached up to pet her, feeling completely at peace with the basilisk nestled against him.

You smell different, ” she remarked, her tongue flicking out to taste the air around him. “ Complete, almost. Unharmed.

Harry chuckled softly, the affection in her voice making him feel oddly cherished. “ It’s a long story, but I’ve had some… interesting experiences lately. ” He conjured a rat for her and smiled at her happy hissing when she jumped off him and chased after the rat.

“You’re going to spoil her,” Theo joked as Angela slithered excitedly after a conjured rat, her eyes gleaming with delight.

Harry raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips. “I learned that spell for a basilisk that prefers rabbit or spider. I can at least use it to spoil one little snake.”

Theo paused, his expression shifting to one of curiosity. “Are they conjured or summoned?”

“They are conjured, but not in the way you’d think,” Harry explained, leaning against the wall with an air of confidence. “It’s a creepy spell that borders on necromancy. It uses magic to create a completely solid form of a mouse. It takes a chunk of magic, but it produces a fully animated and living creature that you can even get nutrients from.”

He giggled at the absurdity of it all. “Funny enough, this spell was also made by Slytherin. Apparently, they were running out of rats in the castle to feed Achlys!”

Theo chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. “Only you would find a way to make necromancy cute.”

As Angela caught the rat, she coiled it with a triumphant hiss, and Harry felt a warm sense of camaraderie blossom between them, the shared laughter threading them closer together.

 

Harry grabbed one of the rune books from Theo’s collection and propped himself up on the bed, pulling Theo in beside him so they could read together. It was a gesture he had shared with Hermione once, and it barely registered as anything more than friendly.

However, as Harry settled in, Theo felt heat rush to his cheeks. One of Harry's arms wrapped around part of his torso, making it difficult for Theo to concentrate on the text before them. He tried his hardest to focus, but the warmth radiating from Harry was distracting.

Then, something caught Theo's eye—a rune seemingly tattooed into Harry’s forearm glowed softly, pulsing with an ethereal light. Harry had mentioned drawing the Mannaz rune on himself before, but in the heat of the moment, Theo had forgotten all about it.

“Is that…?” Theo began, his voice barely above a whisper.

Harry glanced at him, puzzled for a moment before following his gaze. A smile crept onto his face as he noticed the glowing rune. “Yeah, it’s the Mannaz rune. It’s supposed to represent  the mind, learning and cooperation. I thought it might be still fitting, since i have to learn to get along with mini-malfoy”

Theo nodded, captivated. “It’s beautiful,” he said, unable to tear his eyes away from it’s glow. “But it’s also… kind of powerful, isn’t it?”

“Definitely,” Harry replied, his tone playful yet earnest. “I’ve been practicing. I think it helps with my connection to magic, too. It definitely can’t hurt that i’ve actually tattoo’d it on this time with another as you would say ‘obscure spell’ i used a mixture of ¾ my blood and ¼ ink.”

Theo’s expression shifted, a mix of exasperation and incredulity washing over his face as he locked eyes with Harry. “You… You tattooed blood magic into your skin? Something that likely won’t ever fully fade, even with magic?”

“Yup!” Harry grinned, unabashed. “I figured if I was going to commit to this, I might as well go all in. Plus, it felt right, you know? Like I’m binding myself to my magic in a deeper way.”

Theo ran a hand through his hair, clearly torn between admiration and concern. “That’s... incredibly risky, Harry. What if something goes wrong? What if it backfires?”

Harry shrugged, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “Then I’ll just have to figure it out as I go. That’s what we do, right? Besides, I feel stronger with it. More connected to who I am.”

Theo sighed, shaking his head but unable to suppress a smile. “You’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days, you know that?”

“You’ll have to compete with Hermione and Ron for who can have a heart attack first because i’ve done something stupid.” Harry responded completely nonchalant. 

They returned to reading the book when harry willed his rune to move to somewhere less distracting, specifically inside of him, he had willed the tattoo to move onto one of his ribs, so the glow wasn’t visible to anyone but still functioned.


Around midnight, Harry silently handed Theo two rings—one for their journey to Gringotts and one for the return. He then moved to Theo’s bed, pulling the curtains shut with a flick of his wand. A spell sealed the curtains tight, ensuring they could only be opened from the inside.

Harry’s own bed was similarly protected, warded to sting anyone who dared to breach its privacy, all while reinforcing a general compulsion to “Let Harry Sleep.” He couldn’t help but smirk at the thought of the confused expressions on the faces of any would-be intruders.

With a deep breath, Harry held his breath, feeling the familiar pull of magic as he disappeared from the dorm and reappeared at the bottom of the steps to Gringotts. He landed with a thud, his backside hitting the pavement with a dull thump. Grimacing, he glanced around, taking in the dimly lit street and the towering marble façade of the bank, his heart racing with the thrill of the night’s adventure.

Harry grinned mischievously as Theo popped in behind him. “Alright, let’s get this shit over with.”

“It’s not ‘shit’ if you’re claiming your inheritance,” Theo quipped, circling around him.

Harry pushed himself off the ground, brushing off his robes, and with a playful flourish, he bowed to the goblins guarding the door. He paid no mind to their shocked expressions as he strode confidently toward a teller's line, a sense of excitement buzzing in the air.

 

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