The Tragic Tale of the Boy Who Lived and the Boy Who Wanted to Die [ON HIATUS]

Draco thought the day of the execution would be the hardest day. He was wrong. He woke up the following morning, at first wondering why he felt so awful, before remembering the events that had unfolded the previous night. He felt empty, like he had just lost a dear friend. He should’ve done something about it, he should’ve stood up to his father. When he was finally able to pull himself out of bed, get dressed, and leave his dormitory, Theo and Ginny cornered him in the common room. They had been having a fast-paced conversation before they saw him.

“The hippogriff escaped. He must’ve gotten loose or something. Also, there's a rumour going around that Sirius Black was caught, and then escaped.” At first, Draco didn’t believe them. Both of them had spent most of the previous day trying to take his mind off it, and when that didn’t work, they tried to tell him the hippogriff would somehow get off. They only stopped when Draco left the common room and hid out in a broom closet to get away from them. He didn’t come back for two hours.

“I’m serious Draco, he did! Come down to get breakfast, I’m sure everybody will be talking about it. You look like you need it anyway. Did you sleep at all last night?” Draco muttered some feeble excuse that obviously didn’t convince them, and looked away.

“I’m not really hungry.” He said. That was true, he couldn’t imagine eating anything right now. He felt like he was going to puke. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw a dead hippogriff lying in the dirt.

“Draco, you need to eat something. I- please?” Theo implored. Draco couldn’t stand to see his friends like this, so he went down to the Great Hall with them. The place was alive with noise, people everywhere you could see. Draco sat down and scanned the Gryffindor table, but saw no sign of the Gryffindor trio.

“Guys, Professor Lupin is a werewolf! Professor Snape just announced it here, you just missed it. He was loose on the grounds last night!” Blaise rambled on. “It might not be a coincidence, you know, that hippogriff escaping while Lupin was out there. Maybe he ate it!”

“Or maybe he just set it free. I’m sure Lupin didn’t eat the hippogriff.” Ginny interjected quickly, seeing the look on Draco’s face. Blaise was oblivious. Draco ignored the rest of the conversation, he had heard enough already.

Theo urged him to eat something, so to make him happy, Draco grabbed some bacon. He didn’t eat it, but merely nibbled at the end of one piece. He wasn’t hungry.

The Great Hall was very animated, with almost everybody having conversations about either Buckbeak’s escape, Sirius Black, or Professor Lupin’s lycanthropy. Draco vaguely wondered if Lupin would stay to teach. He hoped so, since Lupin was Draco’s first DADA teacher who seemed to know what he was doing.

“It’s too noisy in here, I’m going back to the common room.” Draco said, pushing his plate of bacon aside. He didn’t know what he would do when he got there, he would probably read that Astronomy book Ginny got him for Christmas, even though he had already read it a few times.

“Are you sure? You haven’t even touched your bacon yet. Are you feeling okay?” Theo asked.

“I’m fine, Theo. I- I have stuff to do, so I’d better-”

“We can do them together after breakfast.” Theo interjected.

“I- yeah, okay. We can work together, but I’m going now.” Draco said. Theo reluctantly agreed to join him, and the two of them left the table and headed back to the common room.

When they got there, Draco found it hard to focus on his book. He felt bad for making Theo miss breakfast. Theo left to go to the library around noon, leaving Draco there alone.

He went back up to his dormitory and opened his nightstand. The card and the money was still there. 5 galleons, 7 sickles, and 3 knuts. Draco couldn’t spend them.

He re-read the card, noticing every detail. Potter had very nice handwriting, which suggested that he put time into writing it. There weren't any pictures, or anything to suggest it was anything other than a simple handmade card that took no longer than 5 minutes, but it was still a kind thing for Potter to do.

He had visited the card many times since it was given to him, and he even went over it with a Revealer to try and uncover any secret messages, but found nothing. He decided to go back to the common room and keep reading.

Hours later, Theo came back to the common room to drag Draco to dinner. Draco didn’t know why Theo couldn’t just leave him alone.

“Lupin’s resigning!” Blaise exclaimed as they sat down.

“Professor Lupin’s leaving?” Draco asked Blaise, unsure of what exactly he had heard.

“Yep. After what Professor Snape said at breakfast.” Draco had already assumed that Lupin wouldn't take kindly to Snape's announcement, but Draco didn't think that he would leave the school over it. Blaise must have noticed the look on his face, so he said,

“Oh come on, he wasn’t that good of a teacher anyway. If anything, it’s bad that we can’t keep a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher for more than a year. Wonder who’ll take the job next year. Maybe a vampire.” Draco didn’t know how to react. Lupin had started to grow on him. He felt lightheaded at Blaise’s joy. How could he be so happy about this? He turned to Daphne and Pansy, who only repeated what Blaise had said.

“I knew there was something off about him. Always out sick, and bringing those horrible creatures into class. Well, I guess he would know a thing or two about weird creatures, since he is one.” Daphne retorted. Pansy started laughing, and Draco just looked away. He hadn’t expected any of them to be sympathetic, but he thought they were taking it a bit too far.

“You okay, Draco? You don’t look very good.” Blaise remarked. Theo and Ginny exchanged a look.

“Yeah, just tired.” He muttered. He didn’t feel like explaining anything to them right now. He didn’t want their sympathy. He just wanted to be left alone.

His friends started talking about something, but he wasn’t listening. When they went down to the common room, Draco grabbed one of the books Theo got him for Christmas, and sat down on the couch near the fire with Flurry on his lap. Theo and Ginny sat on the couch next to him, while Blaise, Pansy, and Daphne sat across from them. Theo and Ginny were thoroughly discussing the history of Exploding Snap and the other three started talking about Lupin again.

“I can’t believe Dumbledore let a werewolf teach us! What if he’d gotten one of us? What if he spread it to us?” Pansy said. Draco couldn’t believe how stupid his friends were sometimes. Lycanthropy couldn’t spread, it had to be transferred on the full moon through blood. As somebody who had a giant werewolf obsession as a child, the misinformation really bothered him.

“Exactly! Everyone knows werewolves can’t be trusted. Then again, when has Dumbledore hired competent teachers? Any good teacher wouldn't have let that rabid hippogriff near students.” Daphne went into a rant about how bad of a teacher Hagrid was, which she did at least once a month.

Draco was fed up with listening to them, so he decided to take a walk around the school. By this point, he knew exactly how to avoid Filch and the other teachers. However, as he was walking, he heard footsteps, and hid in the bathroom.

He locked the bathroom door behind him, after making sure nobody else was there, and without the light from the hall, it was extremely dark. He glanced over towards the sink, and thought for a moment that his father was standing there. Then, he looked closer, and saw that it was just himself in the mirror.

He felt sick, he hated that he resembled his father so much. He had once delighted in the fact that his father had all these connections to the Ministry, and the Dark Lord, but right now Draco wished he was just a normal father, who loved his son.

Before he knew what he was doing he punched the mirror full force.

It didn't shatter, but it hurt. His hand felt like it had broken. He held his hand up, and with a tap of his wand, the pain disappeared, even though he knew he deserved it.

Soon after, he headed towards the Astronomy tower. He needed fresh air. He peered over the balcony and took in the view. It was beautiful. Despite the darkness (it was late by this point) Draco couldn't help but take in every detail of the grounds.

As soon as the shock of the tower's beauty wore off, he remembered what he was up there for. A pretty view wouldn't restore the childhood he never had, or fix the damage he had caused. Everybody would be much better off if he just jumped, wouldn't they?

But he couldn't. As he stood there thinking, he knew he couldn't leave his mother. She needed him, and he knew it. He knew it was selfish, but part of him wanted her to suffer for letting his father get away with everything he did.

Suddenly, after what felt like forever, he snapped out of it. What am I doing? Oh my god, why am I here? Fuck, fuck, fuck. He rushed to leave, feeling sick about what he almost just did. How could he do that to his friends?

As soon as he reached the door, it opened. Before he could hide, Potter burst in.

“What are you doing up here?” Potter demanded as he walked in, blocking the doorway.

“I really don't see why that is your concern.” Draco fought to keep his voice steady as he searched around for another exit. “How'd you know I was up here?” His curiosity got the better of him. How did Harry Potter of all people find him here?

“I- that doesn't matter.” Potter continued to block the doorway, as Draco got more and more frantic trying to get out.

“Yes it does! Now let me out!”

“Not until you tell me why you're here!”

The tension in the room was high, although neither of them drew their wands. Draco was getting increasingly anxious; he was scared he might do something he'd regret. He had to get out.

“People have been saying things, and I-” Potter started, but Draco didn't need to hear the rest.

“Like what? What've people been saying? Why do you care?”

“No, it's not that, I just- I-” Potter seemed unable to find the words to say what he wanted to.

It happened in an instant; one moment Potter was stuttering over his words, the next he had Draco’s lips pressed against his.

It was so sudden that Draco didn’t even resist. It was heavenly, like nothing he had ever done before. For a moment, he forgot all that was going on.

Then, they broke apart. The reality of the situation caught up to Draco abruptly, and he ran for it. He paused for a moment and looked back, before taking off again.

He couldn’t believe his own stupidity. How could he get himself wrapped up in something like that? What would Theo say, or Ginny? Or his parents? No, no, he thought, it’s a one time thing.

A brief moment of vulnerability that would not be repeated. That's all it was. That’s all it would ever be.

That’s all it could ever be.