Benjy
“He said he’d be here,” Benjy said, swirling around the last of the vodka and coke in his glass like a sommelier with a fancy wine. “I have news and I don’t want to wait anymore!”
The pub was busier than they’d anticipated and the only table he and Mary had been able to get was in the far corner, so they kept an eye out for Remus as he’d never spot them. Soon enough, they spotted him, cheeks pink from the wind with a purple bobble hat pulled down over his ears. He had somehow evaded their sight long enough to wait in the queue for the bar and was carrying three glasses in his hands, looking around anxiously.
“Remus!” Mary shouted, and they both waved wildly.
He laughed as he headed their way, setting the drinks down on the table and pulling off his hat, coat and scarf, “Sorry I’m late. Mam wanted me to fix her printer when I dropped Teddy off.” He pushed his hair off his face, “It’s actually boiling in here!”
“Nah, it’s just fucking freezing outside,” Mary said.
“You spent the first twenty-five years of your life in Florida, everywhere is fucking freezing to you!” Benjy laughed. “Speaking of Florida… I have news.”
“Oh, please don’t tell me you tried to pull another poor unsuspecting soul by asking them if they’ve ‘ever been to Kissimmee’. You don’t even pronounce it right!”
“I know! I tried to use it on a girl from Orlando last week, and she was very keen to point that out. But! My accent enthralled her, and that made me realise—”
“That to Floridians, even the Brummie accent is melodic and exotic?” Remus said with a grin. “Then how has Mary been able to resist you all these years.”
“I don’t have enough tits to tempt Mary. Do keep up, Remus.” Benjy rolled his eyes, “Now shut up! You get here late and you interrupt! Do you do this to the prime minister? We will be circling back to that, by the way, but this is more important! Ok, I am spending the next two months in… Snoqualmie, Washington!”
Remus and Mary stared at him, blankly.
“You’re doing what, mate?” Remus said, after taking a long sip of his drink.
“Snoqualmie, Washington?” Mary looked thoroughly unimpressed.
“I’m fed up of people not appreciating my charm.” He nudged Mary gently, “So I’m going somewhere that people will!”
“And you picked Snoqualmie?” She repeated. “Snoqualmie, Washington?”
“It looks nice…” Benjy said, “I fancied Seattle but Snoqualmie was a little more in my price range.”
“If you wanted a cheap trip to the States, you could have stayed with my family in Kissimmee, asshole!”
“Too queer for Florida, I fear.” Benjy shrugged. “Too queer to be there alone at least.”
“That’s a fair point…” Mary conceded, “Not like my brothers would take you out to Stiffy’s I suppose.”
Remus choked on his drink. “There’s a gay bar called Stiffy’s?”
“See! Another example of Americans finding Britishness endearing!” Benjy grinned at them. “My flight’s tomorrow afternoon. Mary… would you water my plants for me?”
“Can I watch movies on your big TV?” She bartered.
“You can do whatever the fuck you want, I’ll be building an army of snowmen with all the people swooning at my feet. Just don’t buy porn using my card again. The internet is free!”
“I told you, that wasn’t me, it was Evan!” Mary laughed.
“Mary, you know as well as I do that Evan has no interest in watching women go at it.” Benjy sighed, “Just… keep my babies safe.”
“Have you ever considered that your lack of romantic life may not have to do with people not appreciating your charm, but more to do with the fact that you sing to your plants every morning?” Said Remus.
“Maybe singing to my plants is part of my charm, Remus!” Benjy groaned, “Well anyway, enough about me for now. How was your first day? What’s Black like?”
“It was fine. Didn’t make a complete tit of myself. Did manage to swear in front of him multiple times, in English and Welsh, though.” Remus chuckled. “He seems alright actually. The reason he asked for a later start was a family funeral, so poor bloke wasn’t exactly having the best day.”
“Is he as hot in real life as he is on telly?” Benjy finished his drink and put the glass down clumsily.
“Well… yes. I would have to say that he is.” Remus nodded. “Probably more so.”
“Oh my god, Remus! Are you going to fuck the prime minister?” Mary gasped. “Is there, like, an Oval Office here? Can you do it in there?!”
“Mary!” He growled, “Shut the fuck up. No, I am not! He’s my boss. Well, he’s like my boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss. He’s the boss of the whole country. Jesus, no!” Mary and Benjy exchanged a look. “I am not going to fuck— Let’s go back to Benjy spending Christmas in small-town America just to get laid. That’s way more interesting!”
“Maybe I’m looking for love!” Benjy said indignantly.
“I said what I said.” Remus shrugged.
“Alright, alright.” Mary laughed. “Benjy’s too horny for Britain, and Remus is going to become the next First Lady, we get it!”
“There are so many things wrong with—“ Remus started.
Benjy cut him off, clearly wanting to get off the topic of their love lives. He’d have enough time to work on that in the coming months. “You spending Christmas with your mom, Remus?”
“Yeah, she’s booked a turkey and everything.”
“She’s booked a turkey?” Mary stared at him.
“Yeah, like, reserved one from a farm or something.” He shrugged.
“Is this like the sadistic version of adopting a donkey?” Said Benjy. “Did she get a little welcome pack with fun facts about the turkey? Its hobbies, its favourite food? Does it have a name? Ooh! You should let Teddy name it!”
“I’m not letting my son name the bird he’s going to eat for Christmas lunch, you animal!”
“Not heard from Tonks then?” Mary asked gently.
“Not since June.” Remus pressed his lips together. “Last I heard she was in Liverpool. Teddy keeps asking if she’ll be here on Christmas Day, and I’m trying to let him down gently. How do you tell a five-year-old that his mum’s just done a runner?”
“All the more reason to—”
“Don’t even say it.” Remus glared at them. “Not happening.”