Between us
When they got back from the Dursleys, Remus sent Harry, who was still on edge and shaky from the encounter with his Uncle, to his room for a bit, telling the boy that he should take a moment to calm himself maybe colour them a nice picture before watching another movie with him and Sirius. Harry obliged willingly, and decided he would take up the brunette's idea, taking a pack of crayons into his room, leaving the door slightly cracked open, closed doors made him feel sick; he hated them with his entire being.
The truth was, the real reason that Remus had asked the ravenette to have some alone time was because he needed to tell Sirius something, and he knew his boyfriend would not be happy.
Sirius.." he whispered, "Come with me for a minute." The other gave Remus a confused look but obliged nevertheless, following the brunette into the kitchen. "I- So.. Yesterday, I tried to speak to Dumbledore, but uh- Well he didn't respond? I sent an owl, just giving him a brief run down of Harry's condition and vaguely describing the abuse he'd suffered at the hand of the Dursleys.. My owl came back but he didn't reply."
"You're only just telling me this now?!" Sirius exasperated.
"Well it's not like I've exactly had much time to talk to you alone, is it?" he shot back, slightly more harsh than necessary.
"Don't you dare try to blame this on Harry."
"What?! That's not- I didn't- Look, I wasn't trying to make it seem like I blame Harry, but it's true. We've been very busy these past couple days."
Sirius breathed in deeply, collecting himself before continuing, "Okay.... Sorry, I didn't mean to get accusatory. Why do you think he didn't respond."
"Who's to say?! Well, Godric knows he's going to try send Harry back!" Remus was getting riled up
now, fingers grasping onto his tresses.
Click!
The pair instantly turned their heads towards the youngest's bedroom door, now completely shut. Their eyes flickered to look into the other's eyes, deep brown meeting dazzling blueish-greys, giving each other a knowing look before saying simultaneously; "Harry."
***
[meanwhile]
"Harry, dear, how about you go to your room for a bit, calm yourself down? You could draw us a nice picture!" Remus directed to Harry who was slowly untying his shoes which were already muddy from their walk to the Dursley's.
"Okay Moony.." he said monotonously, mind still overwhelmed and flooded with old memories flashing before his eyes. The scars that littered his body were burning, an intense and uncomfortable fiery feeling overcoming his entire body. He trudged back into his bedroom, door cracked open ever so slightly, he refused to close the door behind him anymore. Now he actually had that choice to make himself, rather than being shoved into the cupboard suffering in the dark that would consume him- swallow him whole.
Harry grabbed a piece of paper and the crayons that Sirius had bought for him the previous day. He stared down at the blank paper, not knowing what to draw. For a moment, he considered drawing a picture of him with Remus and Sirius, but quickly dismissed the idea; once he drew a picture of him with Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon (before he could even comprehend that what was happening to him wasn't normal) all that happened as a result was the picture getting ripped up and him being slapped then thrown back into the cupboard. Things at the Dursleys usually just ended with the cupboard. Grabbing a black crayon, Harry put it to the paper and just mindlessly started to draw. He didn't even know what, his mind had gone completely empty as he coloured on the page, picking up random colours. The buzzing in his ears eventually came to a halt when he put the last colour down to admire his picture. It was dark, very dark- for a 7 year old, anyway. In the middle stood a child, clearly himself, bearing a sad face whilst covered in red lines across the whole body. A black crayon was used to roughly scribble over the body of the drawing, an attempt to cover up the red lines. The crayon led on to scribble the background of the paper, squiggles and loops surrounding every corner, red crayon depicting angry faces roughly overlapping the black chaos. Harry had obviously gotten carried away, his mind had been hazy- that was all. But he hid it under the covers of his bed, anyway, not wanting Sirius or Remus to see it and worry.
After he'd tucked the picture safely under the duvet, he began to lay on the bed on his back, staring up at the ceiling, still covered in stars but now slightly dimmed from the light that was pouring through the windows. Beginning to drift off, again, eyes growing heavy. He was just so, so tired. But the hushed voices from the kitchen disrupted his slumber. The ravenette peeked his head around the corner of his slightly open door. Remus and Sirius were being secretive; Harry didn't like secretive. His mind started to wander back to number 4 Privet Drive: locked in the cupboard as his Uncle and Aunt plotted his next punishment for another mistake that he'd allegedly made. Aunt Petunia was never as bad as Uncle Vernon had been, in the sense of the physical abuse, but she let it happen. She stood and watched as Harry was beaten, burnt, shouted out just for the sake of it. Which in his eyes did make her just as bad.
Eventually, his mind finally snapped back into reality when his ears caught onto something Remus said.
"Well, Godric knows he's going to try send Harry back!"
In an instant, his heart dropped straight into his stomach, not believing what he'd heard. Panic instantly beginning to spread throughout him, swimming through his mind making him dizzy. Harry gasped loudly, feeling like the air was being suctioned out his lungs. An overfamiliar asphyxiating feeling began to settle. He whipped his head back round the door, sliding down it the moment it shut pressing his back firmly against it. Tears immediately came cascading down his face as he pressed both hands firmly against his mouth in attempt the stifle his sobs and gasps of desperation for air.
I told you so. That grating, agitating voice scratched into his brain. Poisoning him with each and every word of toxin and hate.
"Stop." Harry mumbled in response, words muffled from behind the hands that still clasped over his mouth.
You knew deep down this would be too good to be true.
"Stop it!" he squeezed his eyes tightly shut, digging his nails into his face to grip harder around his mouth as he stood up and began to pace around the room.
Pathetic, useless Harry Potter. You always mess up, can't you do anything? The voice continued to jeer and taunt him, bile rising further and further up his throat, stomach threatening to spill.
"STOP IT! STOP IT STOP!" Harry was shouting now, hands finally parting from his face to clench tightly around his ears in a futile effort to block the noise out. It was all too much, he knew he'd never get over the Dursleys, Number 4 Privet Drive, the cupboard under the stairs. He was quickly spiralling out of control, in hysterics. The voice circling his head, round and round and round again. He didn't know when he started screaming at the top of his lungs, but he knew it only got louder when the door burst open. Remus and Sirius stood staring at Harry with wide eyes as he scratched at his ears, drawing blood as he sobbed, wailed, cried. Sirius approached the boy, heedful to his anguish. But the green eyes, swimming with fear, couldn't recognise his godfather.
He struck out.
Throwing his fists out to repeatedly punch whilst kicking his feet before he scurried himself back into the corner of his room. Everything was twisting, mixing in an array of dull colours.
"Ouch, shit-!" Sirius exclaimed as Harry kicked him in the stomach. "Bambi- Bambi! Listen to me! It's okay, it's me and Moony, see?" Remus carefully made his way over to the pair, not knowing what to do. "Look, at me Harry, I promise you're okay." But the boy refused to open his eyes, head frantically shaking side-to-side. In order to try and stop Harry from hurting himself (and Sirius) any further he grabbed onto his wrists, attempting to hold him still. "Harry please- You're safe!" But clearly by gripping onto him, he'd only made things worse.
"NO- NO! GET OFF I'M NOT GOING BACK- I'M NOT." he wailed, turning his head far away from the pair who had become nothing but blurred, shadowy figures that loomed over him, menacing looks on their faces. He began to kick his legs again after pausing momentarily in attempt to catch his breath.
"What?! Harry, no- We're not sending you back to them please just-" he was cut off as the boy broke free of his grasp, resultantly scratching Sirius' face, right along the cheek. The man gasped in pain, bring a hand up to his face as a reflex action. Harry took this as his chance to escape. Quickly, he stood up, pushing his godfather out the way then pushing past Remus who had been blocking the doorway.
He ran into the bathroom and locked the door, hyperventilating so much he thought he could collapse. Blood rushed past his ears, whole body shaking from sheer fear. It was times like these where he'd wish he were dead. Harry was convinced that he was mental, a nutcase. He was afraid. Afraid of the voice, the things he was seeing, going back to live with his Uncle...
"Remus- wait, don't- I think he just needs time." Sirius' voice crescendoed as he approached the door, the other man's footsteps accompanied.
"Alohomora." Remus sounded. The door made a subtle click! as the lock turned. The handle was pushed down as the door opened gently. Harry pressed his face into his knees that were pulled tightly to his chest. The brunette slowly made his way to the boy, who had never looked so small, fragile. "Bambi.. Sweetheart, it's okay." he said in a soft voice, one so kind it finally made the boy look up through his messy black hair. He'd finally stopped shouting, but he still shook ferociously, breathing and body, as the tears gushed down his face, nose running too.
"You- You said... you said they'll send me back..." he managed to utter.
"Oh Bambi.. Not at all. We won't let anyone take you."
"I .. I tried to be good. I'm sorry if I was naughty.. It said so. It said you'd get rid of me the moment I messed up! I really- I really tried." he stuffed his face back in his knees.
"Who said that?" Sirius chimed in, frowning.
No response.
"Harry? Who told you that?" he repeated.
"... I'm sorry Padfoot. I didn't mean to hurt you." the boy was starting to gradually calm down now. Mood changing like someone had pressed a switch. His breathing was still very ragged and unsteady but at least he was forming coherent sentences, now.
Sirius could tell that the younger ravenette clearly didn't want to answer his question so he just decided to accept it and move on. "That's alright, Bambi, don't worry about it. You weren't- You were upset, I shouldn't've gotten so physical with you." Harry gave slight nod of agreement, whilst letting out a tired yawn.
"How about we get you something to eat then let you get an early night's sleep? Hm?" Remus suggested, he felt guilty, acting upon his own self desire to talk to Sirius, but it was in the boy's best interest.
"Okay Moony..." he slowly stood up from the corner of the bathroom he'd tucked himself away in, hanging his head low and shoulders slumped in shame from his outburst.
They walked the short distance over to Harry's room then let him change into his pyjamas. It was only 6pm, but they thought it'd do him some good to get an early night's rest. Remus and Sirius were both growing increasingly concerned about the boy's mental health. He'd had more than 3 panic attacks just in this one day, they knew he'd be on edge, having rescued him from such a tragic life, but Harry was more than just on edge. He was petrified. One wrong move would make him spiral. He was scared of crying (so when he cried it just made him sob harder out of the fear of punishment), scared of the dark, closed doors, physical contact, raised voices. And, obviously, anything even remotely related to the Dursley household.
Harry had crawled into bed already by the time he called for his guardians to enter, Sirius went in alone whilst Remus sorted out a cup of tea and some snacks for the boy. He wandered over to his godson and smiled down at him sympathetically. The older ravenette sat down on the bed, "Y'know Harry.. Where I grew up, I-uh.. I went through similar treatment to how your Uncle treated you..." Harry's breath hitched, "D'you know who helped me run away?" He shook his head. "It was your dad, James.." Sirius smiled as his godson's eyes widened in an enlightened manner.
"...What was he like, my daddy.. Was he nice?"
The blue eyed man chuckled slightly, "Yeah.. He was the best. A very loyal friend. It destroyed me when he died, I almost... I almost got sent to prison, trying to avenge him. But Remus reminded me that it's not what he would've wanted. Our friend, Peter, he betrayed us. Gave up you, your mum and dad like they meant nothing to him." Sirius let out a shaky exhale before continuing, "He loved you very much, Harry. Him and Lily would've been destroyed if they knew how your Aunt and Uncle treated you." the boy gave a nod of recognition. "I can promise you, you'll never have to go back to them again."
Their heads both turned to door as Remus steadily opened the door, the hinges creaking as he did so. "Hey, I brought some snacks." he smiled, carrying a tray into the room that was full of crackers with assortments of cheese along with crumpets and toasted teacakes. The brunette settled the tray down on the bedside table and explained to Harry his selection.
He settled for the teacakes, stomach hurting and nausea still present from the stress of the day's events.
After having eaten, Sirius tucked his godson into bed, then leaned forward to kiss him on the head. His eye caught something. A slightly crumpled piece of paper, covered in crayon, peeked out from under the thick duvet covers.
"Hm? What's this?" He reached for the drawing and pulled it out from the sheets.
"Oh- nothing.." Harry murmured, feeling slightly embarrassed at what Sirius had found.
The older ravenette held the picture up to the star-lit ceiling, observing it carefully, face morphing into a frown.
"If you say so," he folded it up and put it back into his back pocket, looking over to Remus, out the corner of his eyes, who was peering over the black haired man's shoulder to see what the fuss was about. "Good night Bambi." he leaned down again to hug the boy before leaving the room. Remus quickly said goodnight and followed close behind Sirius.
"Sirius- What is it?" he said chasing his boyfriend to the sofa. The ravenette instantly collapsed on it and laid his head back on the cushions. "What was on the paper?"
He rustled around in his trouser pocket, pulling the drawing out, sighing as he handed it to the other man. Remus inhaled sharply.
"Remus, I'm.. I'm really worried for him.. This- This isn't normal!" he whispered, voice so low that the brunette had to lean in to hear him. "His panic attacks, are far too frequent and look what he did to me! He must've been completely out of it, to react like that.."
"I know, Padfoot.. I know. I was thinking, maybe we could take him to see a healer? Perhaps a muggle doctor, actually. He really needs help, and I don't think we can provide all that he needs."
Sirius clenched his fist, "I can't stop thinking about what he said 'It said you'd send me back' what do you think he meant by 'it'? I'm scared for him, Moony. He's going to grow up with these horrifying memories of his Uncle beating the shit out of him and throwing him in that Godric forsaken cupboard... And- and I just know that no matter how much we do he's going to have to suffer from those memories for the rest of his life!" his voice was strained now.
"That's why he needs professional attention. Dumbledore is going to try and send him back there, we've got to be prepared for his arrival because I am not sending that boy back there. Not if me, or you, have anything to say about it."
The ravenette smiled up at Remus who was now straddling his leg, hovering above his face before leaning down and kissing his boyfriend. Their lips lingered on each others for a while, tongues twisting together passionately before they finally broke it apart. As they stared lovingly into each other's eyes, their chests heaved, a smile curled onto both of their lips. Remus leant down to peck Sirius on the lips again then lay his head on to ravenette's shoulder.
"He'll get better, Padfoot... I know he will. We just have to remain cautious and remind him that we're nothing like Vernon and Petunia."
"I just... It hurts, Moony. Seeing him as nothing but a shell of what he could've been if- if James and Lily hadn't-" his voice cracked as tears seeped out his eyes, Remus looked back to the other's face, kissing his tears away then bringing his hands to the man's face to gently caress his cheeks.
Neither of them said anything, they just remained like that- Sirius crying softly and Remus pecking his lips and the corners of his eyes softly, wiping away any tears that escaped- until it was time to go to bed. It was another restless night for the two, worrying about Dumbledore's expected visit and their minds troubled by Harry's suffering. But the pair eventually drifted off to sleep in each other's embrace, bodies tightly pressed together creating an overwhelming sense of comfort.