Harry
Harry hadn’t been able to sleep a wink all day. His migraine subsided slightly, the pain was less blinding and more of a dull ache. He could live with that. Luna had come by just as the sun had set to say her goodbyes. Harry had hoped that she would have stayed longer, but he knew she had to go. Everyone always left.
But that wasn’t a fair thought. Everyone had their respective lives, just because Harry couldn’t move on didn’t mean he should drag everyone down with him. He wasn’t stupid, he could see the way he was affecting Luna. The tired look in her eyes, her anxiousness every time he had another bloody panic attack. He paced in front of his fireplace, he had been pacing a lot the past two years.
He was useless and it was humiliating. His eyes got caught on the stew sitting on his desk, it was still steaming. He really should eat, but he just wasn’t hungry. He tore his eyes away and walked to the window. The streets outside were dark, an unwelcome anxious feeling started brewing in his gut. He quickly shut the curtains then clambered over his bed to the other window to do the same.Even the dark scared him. He backed away from the windows and slowly shuffled to his fireplace. The fire was bright and inviting, it lit up the whole room. He picked up a blanket that was resting on the back of one of his armchairs and wrapped it around him.
Usually at this time he would be wandering the house, disturbing Kreacher wherever he was because Harry couldn’t be alone. But now there were more people here, he didn’t want them to see him like this. He would wait a few hours and then leave his room, surely everyone would be asleep by then.
He knew that Draco was staying on the third floor with him, Pansy and Blaise were on the second floor and Narcissa was on the first. He just had to make it down to the ground floor without disturbing anyone. Then he could sit in the kitchen while Kreacher cleaned things that were already clean so Harry wouldn’t feel bad for not letting him sleep.
A large gust of wind sounded outside, making a chill run down Harry’s spine. But it was okay because it was just wind. He still didn’t have his wand either, he had lost it in the hall and hadn’t gone out to get it. But he would when the others were asleep.
Harry positioned himself so he was facing the door. His knees were tucked up under his chin and his blanket was wrapped tightly around him. If he was caught he would be thoroughly embarrassed for sitting like a small sniveling child. But that was how he was acting so he couldn’t be too embarrassed, it was the truth after all. Wasn’t it?
He looked to the small clock that rested on his mantel above the fire. It was just after eleven. Surely everyone would be asleep. Just as he was about to get up he heard the floorboards creak outside his room. Panic surged through him as he watched a shadow come under his door. Someone was right outside.
The shadow shifted and the floorboards creaked again, as if the person wasn’t sure what they wanted to do. Harry couldn’t get his body to move. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He knew he was being ridiculous, no one dangerous was in his house. But he couldn’t calm down. A hesitant knock came from his door.
“Harry?” A muffled voice said, Harry didn’t recognize it. “Harry, it's Draco. I found your wand out here and I… well I just wanted to bring it back to you.”
Draco. Harry took a deep breath. Draco was safe, right? Luna wouldn’t have let him in otherwise, Draco was safe and so was Harry. Harry slowly pulled his cramped limbs away from his body and stood on shaky feet. All he had to do was open the door, so why was he freaking out about it?
He was going mad.
He walked to the door and put his hand on the doorknob, his heart beat so hard it was painful. He was less scared to die at the hands of Voldemort. The metal was cold under his fingers. He looked down at his bony hand, was he really that skinny?
“Harry? Are you okay?” Draco’s voice made Harry nearly jump out of his skin.
He fumbled with the doorknob and opened the door just a crack. There in the hallway stood Draco Malfoy. The boy who Harry had hated with a passion growing up. The man who had just asked if Harry was okay.
Draco looked different, his hair was longer and it looked almost wavy. His skin wasn’t as pale as it used to be and he ditched the classic Malfoy attire. He was wearing dark grey slacks with a loose cream colored long sleeve. Harry met his eyes, they were the same grey he remembered, and just as the last time he saw him, Draco still had dark circles under his eyes, Though they were fainter than before.
Draco smiled softly at him, and then looked him up and down. Harry pulled his blanket around him self consciously. Draco cleared his throat, a faint blush covered his cheeks.
“Um, here you go,” he held out Harry’s wand in the palm of his hand.
Harry stared at the brown wood, he had fixed it after it had broken, he was so excited to have it back, then. But now he wasn’t so sure. Draco had gotten his own wand back after the trials, and that had been a joyous experience for him. Harry knew that having his wand should be good, but it was filling him with anxiety.
“Do you want it?” Draco asked carefully.
“Oh, um… yeah,” Harry reached out a hand and took his wand quickly. He slid it under the blankets with him, hopefully shielding his trembling hand.“Thanks.”
“No problem,” Draco said as he looked past Harry into the room, “why are you awake?”
Harry’s heart skyrocketed again, he couldn’t tell the truth. He couldn’t say he was terrified of the dark, that he was scared to close his eyes. Because what if he woke up and it was still dark? What if he closed his eyes and something was there? He couldn’t sleep in the dark, Merlin, he could barely function in the dark.
“Harry, are you okay?” Draco took a step forward, concern flooded his face.
“Fine, thanks.” Harry managed to get the response out as he shut the door on Draco. He stumbled to his dresser and threw his wand in the first drawer he opened.
He was an idiot. He just shut the door on Draco, but it wasn’t entirely his fault. He hadn’t expected Draco to act so… normal? No that wasn’t the right word, Draco had never been normal a day in his life. Harry walked back to the fire and folded himself into the armchair once again.
He couldn’t leave his room now, Draco knew he was awake. Harry looked at the bottom of the door, the shadow was gone. He could go downstairs, this was his house after all. But the thought of running into anyone made him want to die. Which was an odd feeling for this situation. Usually he longed to have people in the house, but now that there were people, he didn’t want to see them.
But hadn’t it been that way for years? That’s why Hermione and Ron didn’t come as often anymore. Harry would always push them out, they had always been there for him. But they weren’t here now and it was Harry’s fault.Everything was his fault, really. If he thought hard about it. He didn’t want to think, all the panic had made his head start aching again, but he couldn’t stop his thoughts from racing.
He knew logically that everything wasn’t his fault. It was always a battle inside him, just two sides going at it constantly. One side calling him a child for panicking and the other side panicking because he’s a child. A never ending cycle of shame, guilt and dread.He lived with it for a while. Truthfully he had always lived with it. But it all came to a head during his eighth year. He thought he could just jump right back into life, he was freaking Harry Potter, but he couldn’t. Everywhere he looked he saw them. The people he failed.
Sometimes he swore he could hear Fred’s laughter, or see Snape's black robes swishing down the hall going to tell some first years they were violating a rule he made up five minutes ago. Everywhere he looked he saw them. He couldn’t step foot in the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. Every time he went in he saw Lupin. Every time he saw a bright Hufflepuff he saw Tonks.
Everywhere he looked he saw them, even now. They had all lived in this house. He was living with their ghosts. He couldn’t even go on the fourth floor without hyperventilating. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.
The Weasleys lost Fred, George lost his best friend. Little Teddy lost both of his parents. Families lost their loved ones and they were carrying on while Harry was deteriorating in a house that didn’t feel like home. He had felt at home in two places and two places only. Hogwarts and the burrow. But he couldn’t go to either anymore. It was just too much, he was too much, nobody wanted to deal with him.
It was better if he stayed in Grimmauld Place. It was better for everyone. He wouldn’t be a burden and he could keep his issues to himself. Isolated with the ghosts of his past. Which was good. If he was alone then no one else would get hurt because of him, this was something he was willing to do. Call it a punishment or a precaution, whatever it was it needed to be done. He was sure of it.
But he wasn’t alone anymore. He was never alone with Luna but she had never lived here. Draco was here now, with his mom and Pansy and Blaise. If they were smart they’d stay away.
But if Harry knew anything about Draco it was that he never backed down from a challenge. That was okay though, because Harry was very good at making simple situations seemingly impossible. No one would get close to him, he would make sure of it.