Chapter 1
Sirius stood uncertainly in the doorway of the hospital wing, looking at Remus who was awake and sitting in bed, looking entirely exhausted. Peter and James were sitting next to him and his heart sank, he had hoped to get to Remus before they had so he could explain but it seemed he had no such luck.
“Moony?” Remus’s gaze locked onto him and the fury in his eyes froze Sirius in place, he couldn't even breathe.
“Don't call me that. You don't deserve that.” Sirius tried to speak but Remus cut him off. “I don't want your pathetic excuses Black. I don't want to hear anything. Go away.”
“Please, Remus-” Despite Peter's protests Remus stood and stormed over, stopping just a foot away.
“Don't talk to me. I. Don't. Want. To. Hear. It. Do you fucking understand? Get away from me and fucking stay away.” Tears slipped down his cheeks.
“No please I just-”
“Go!” Remus shoved him hard and Sirius stumbled backwards, tears falling in earnest now. When he didn't move away further James walked over and set a hand on Remus’s shoulder.
“Go lay down, I'll get him out.” With a last glare he limped back to his bed as James grabbed him by the back of his shirt and dragged him out of the hospital wing.
“Jamie, Jamie please just listen to me.” He turned his pleading to James, hoping that he might listen to him, believe him maybe, but James just laughed bitterly and shook his head.
“Nothing you say will fix this. You can't talk your way out of this one.” With a small shove he pushed Sirius out of the door. “Now get out of here, if I see you back here again I won't be nearly so gentle in removing you.” Then the door was slammed in his face and Sirius sank to the floor, sobbing silently into his hands.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. He hadn't wanted to tell Snape about Remus, it wasn't his fault that slimy git was good at potions and somehow got his hands on a recipe for veritaserum.
But it was his fault he got distracted enough for Snape to be able to get the jump on him. And it was definitely his fault that he sat in that dusty broom closet and bawled instead of going and getting a teacher or trying to stop Snape.
So in a way if anything happened to Remus because of it would be his fault. The realization nearly made him sick. If Remus got in trouble with the school or ministry he'd be sent away and then he'd have to do full moons on his own again.
If he made it through whatever they'd want with him. Sirius shuddered but forced himself to take deep breaths, he couldn't panic here, not now. He had to clear out his things from the dorm so Remus wouldn't have to see him. He'd probably take the map too so they couldn't find him, not the cloak though, he'd leave that so James and Peter could still do fulls with Remus.
Pushing himself to his feet he ignored his throbbing headache and headed towards Griffendor tower.
- - -
Remus was out of the hospital wing the next day but was dutifully ignoring Sirius and Sirius did his best to avoid Remus. When he walked into the great hall during breakfast Sirius quickly left, despite not having eaten anything. When they went to classes Sirius hid in the far back corner, as far away from Remus as he could be. When there were breaks between classes he hid in the Room of Requirement, where he had brought his stuff and was sleeping, so Remus didn't have to worry about seeing him in the halls.
For a few days Marlene and Lily tried to corner him to talk but then suddenly stopped after James had grabbed Lily's wrist and dragged her away, glaring furiously at Sirius. When the girls started shooting him dirty looks too he thought he just might die.
He was alone, painfully so, and he'd never done well alone.
So that's how he found himself sitting in the bed the Room had given him with a small switchblade making slices on his arm. The blood was warm and dripped down to his hands uncomfortably but he didn't stop, the sting was grounding. Like one of Remus’s or James’s hugs.
Vaguely he realized how fucked up that was, that he drew the same comfort in slicing himself to peices that he drew from physical affection with his boyfriend and best friend. Well… ex boyfriend and ex best friend he supposed since they didn't want anything to do with him.
- - -
A few days later when Sirius realized he'd gotten distracted and had a class to get to, he headed out of the Room of Requirement, only to see Regulus sitting across the hallway, watching the door, supposedly waiting for him to come out since the Room wouldn't let him in. The two boys looked at each other for a few moments before Sirius went and sat next to him. They watched the door fade back into a wall before Regulus spoke.
“You're not eating.” He simply stated it like a fact of life and Sirius just shrugged. “I haven't seen you with your friends for almost two weeks.” He shrugged again.
“They don't want to see me.” Regulus studied him for a few moments.
“What happened?” Sighing he set his head on Regulus’s shoulder and surprisingly he allowed him, even setting an arm around Sirius’s shoulders.
“I can't tell you.” He could sense Regulus’s frown.
“Why not?” Sirius shrugged.
“I just can't.” Because then you'd know about Remus. And you'd probably go after Snape and I don't want you to get into trouble. He couldn't say any of that of course so he remained quiet. Regulus sighed but they sat together for a few minutes in silence.
“Can you come eat dinner with me tonight?” He shrugged.
“I guess.” With that Regulus gave him a small squeeze before pulling his arm away. Sirius almost let out a whine at the loss of affection but he managed to stay quiet, Regulus was already worried about him enough, no need to concern him more.
So that evening he found himself slipping into the Great Hall and sitting down quietly beside his brother. Barty gave him a grin but aside from that they didn't acknowledge the strangeness of him sitting with them. Regulus probably told them not to, he realized as he saw him shooting a staring Slytherin a sharp glare that made them return to their conversation.
“You going to eat?” Sirius shrugged slightly and after a moment Regulus scooped some food onto his plate and handed him a fork. “Eat, please.” Sirius took a bite and had to resist the urge to gag. He'd been practically living off of a candy stash in his bag and fruits he snagged from the kitchen and the flavor of actual food felt foreign and wrong. But Reggie was watching him so he managed to swallow it and take a few more bites. Once Regulus was satisfied that he was eating he turned his attention back to Barty and Evan who were arguing about Merlin knows what.
Sensing someone watching him he glanced around and saw Remus staring at him from across the dining hall. His heart sank and he quickly broke eye contact and pretended to be engaged in the conversation going on around him. It had moved to Quidditch, he could talk about Quidditch, right? He managed to keep his eyes on the Slytherins for a few minutes before he glanced back over.
Remus was still watching him but now so was Lily and Peter. James seemed oblivious, he always was, and was just talking to himself. Abruptly he stood, causing Regulus to jump slightly.
“I have to go.”
“Sirius you need to eat.” Sirius shook his head several times.
“They're looking at me, I have to go.”
“Who's looking at you?” Sirius didn't answer and just hurried out of the dining hall. Regulus didn't follow.
- - -
He was never eating real food again, he decided as he knelt in front of one of the 2nd floor bathroom toilets. Despite having only eaten a few bites his body had revolted, deciding it needed everything out of his stomach, not that there was much.
His throat burned and tears were streaming down his face as he alternately sobbed and dry wretched over the toilet.
Definitely not eating real food again.
- - -
“Mr. Black!” He froze in the hallway and slowly turned around, seeing Minerva looking at him with a stern expression on her face.
“Yes Minnie?”
“My office, let's go.” He briefly considered making a run for it, he doubted Minnie would give chase, but he ultimately decided to just go along with it. He fell in line behind Minerva and followed her down hallways, ignoring the snickers behind him. Once they got to the office and she shut the door her manner softened.
“Go ahead and take a seat.” He hesitated. “You're not in trouble, I just want to talk to you.” After a moment where she settled into her chair he sat as well. She studied him for several moments before pushing an open tin towards him.
“Have a biscuit.”
“No thank you.” He kept his hands in his lap and she frowned.
“I haven't seen you at meals in a few days, take the biscuit.” He gave her a small smirk but didn't quite meet her eyes.
“Minnie, you know I can get into the kitchens.” Minerva studied him for a moment.
“You can, but you don't. The house elves say they only see you every few days and you only ever grab one or two things. Take a biscuit.” He started to shake his head. “Please.” Freezing, he actually looked up at her for the first time and saw that there were clear flickers of worry on her face. Minnie never said please. So he took a biscuit from the tin and took a small bite.
“Now, I understand that you and your friends are in a bit of a fight.” Cutting her off he shook his head.
“We're not fighting.” She pursed her lips.
“Well then, I understand you and your friends aren't currently on speaking terms.” He shrugged slightly and she seemed to take that as a sign that she could continue. “And while I do understand that you four had a… well large falling out I'm becoming concerned.” He didn't respond and she frowned.
“Sirius, this isn't like you. Are you okay?” Standing abruptly he summoned a grin.
“Well. Lovely talk Minnie but I do have homework to do-”
“Black.”
“So I will be going now to do that.” He bolted out the door, leaving Minerva at her desk, frowning after him.
- - -
Sirius sat quietly on the Astronomy Tower, a cigarette between his fingers. It was quiet up above the castle, nothing but him and the stars. It was a new moon and Sirius couldn't help the bitter thought that even the moon had abandoned him after he betrayed his Moony.
After taking another drag of his cigarette he let it fall, watching the small glow become even smaller, then vanish as it hit the ground. It had only taken a few moments, it would only take him a few moments to fall as well. Swinging his legs slightly he felt the cool breeze flutter through his hair.
What would it feel like falling to one's death? Probably scary, he reasoned with himself. Though once you hit the ground it'd be over and he supposed once it was over you couldn't be scared anymore.
You couldn't be lonely either. Not the kind of lonely he was, the kind that absolutely killed him inside every time he thought about his friends. It made sense. He slipped the rest of the cigarettes into his pocket, hissing softly as they rubbed against the cuts he'd made on his thighs a few days ago. Scooting so he was just barely on the edge he looked down again.
What did he really have to lose? Not his friends, obviously, and that's who'd he'd been living for for so long. His family… well Walburga and Orion… were Walburga and Orion, they wouldn't care. And Reggie would get over it quickly enough, they only talked so often anyways, after running off during dinner he'd been trying to avoid Regulus as much as possible.
So he really didn't have anything to lose anymore. Nothing to live for.