Chapter 5
Things were the same as oxford once new year hit, he shared a secret kiss with James, hiding in the bathroom of his parents house as everyone celebrated.
He kissed him firmly, unforgivingly, biting at his lip with his cock pressed into his hip, James’ breath hot on his lips, he smiles, his face creasing.
”What I wouldn’t do to you to right now.”
”Do it,” Regulus dares him, his eyes wide and docile for him, he doesn’t care about consequences anymore, he’s become no better than him.
He almost wants it to happen. To see the shock on someone’s face. To have everything collapse at his feet so he can prove to everyone that he’s not good anymore.
He’s terrible. So terrible.
“Later.” James whispers, kissing him again and leaving him frustrated in the bathroom, calming himself down to then rejoin the party.
He’s in a daze off champagne and cigarettes, he bumps into Lily on her way to the guest room with Harry.
”Sorry,” He mumbles, “Tipsy.”
She smiles and gives him a warm rub on his cheek, “You’re flushed, you alright?”
”Fantastic,” Regulus tickles Harry’s chin where he’s sleeping. “Off to bed?”
Lily sighs and nods, tucking Harry closer to her chest. “Baby boy is tired, mum is tired. Dad is still having a blast.”
Regulus laughs a little, fixing his hair and making a clicking sound with his tongue. “I’ll make sure he’s in bed early.”
I can definitely assure that.
”I’m sure you will,” She says with a smile, kissing his cheek and walking away.
He sets himself down beside Remus and Sirius as James pours them all another drink, sipping his own alcohol free beer.
”When are you going to start seeing someone?” Remus had asked him, lulling his head back as his eyes close. “Or are you?”
Sirius leans forward. “That’s a point, Barty and Pandora are loved up, thought you three were a thing for a good while.”
James looks at him and smirks, Regulus clears his throat and shrugs. “I’m not interested.”
”In anyone?” Remus muses, “Surely you must-“
”He’s still a virgin, aren’t you?” Sirius mocks him. He wasn’t intending to be mean about it, he was drunk and being rude.
But James isn’t finding it very funny, he’s scowling at him, his beer down on the table and his jaw clenching.
”Sirius, don’t be a cunt.”
”I’m not!” He Laughs loudly, his drink spilling on his shirt. “I’m just saying he ought to get out there.”
Regulus tuts, “Maybe I just don’t want to tell you, considering you’re an utter gossip?”
Remus laughs then, nodding in agreement, patting his leg. “Good for you if you are, good for you if you’re not.”
“You’d tell me.” Sirius says confidently. “Of course you would, wouldn’t you?”
“No, I probably wouldn’t.”
It was cruel, he thought Regulus told him everything, they always had. Except that one thing.
James laughs and then Sirius is upset, standing up and pulling a face at him. “Not sure why you’re laughing, your love life isn’t exactly going well is it-“
”Sirius.” Remus quickly snaps.
He was only drunk, he didn’t mean it, Regulus had hurt his feelings, but when James stands up and pushes him backwards, sending him skidding onto his arse, banging his head on the table’s edge.
It wasn’t funny then.
“James!” Regulus hisses, pushing Remus back down where he was about to no doubt pounce on him.
There were too many emotions. Too much male energy and no Mrs Potter to calm things down.
Regulus took James away, he pushed him to the dining room, closing the door and hitting him in the chest. Men.
”That was uncalled for, James… he didn’t mean it.”
James shakes his head, his jaw still clenched. “No, he’s a right arsehole when he drinks, questioning everyone as if he’s some perfect person.”
“He doesn’t understand.”
James scoffs, “Baby, no… he does understand but he doesn’t care. His view is always right and always will be. Would have told him about us a long time ago if he wasn’t such a judgmental prick.”
It made him sad, then pretty quickly angry. Sirius was part of the reason they weren’t public? Really. His own brother.
”Let’s go stay at mine,” Regulus says, “They’ll understand, it got heated… I made you leave, to calm you down.”
An excuse to take him away, just them.
They’re in the car, driving in the dark, Regulus’ hands on James’ thigh. A low hum of music and the smell of skin. The world was gone again and it was them once more.
“I wish we could just… live without closing a door behind us.”
James looks at him then back at the road. “One day.”
”When?”
He doesn’t want to ask. But he does. He’s selfish. He’s horrible and he wants to have him wholly, so no one ever asks him why he’s spent most of his life alone.
“Reg, it’s hard… when Harry’s older and everyone can stop holding on hope for me and Lily, then. But right now, it’ll just be judgment.”
”I don’t care what people think,” Regulus whispers, “I couldn’t care less.”
James doesn’t answer him, the drive is silent and they head inside his house, hang their coats up and wordlessly climb into his bed.
They look at each other and James takes his hand, lacing their fingers together and smiling softly. His eyes are gentle, consolatory, he looks so young when he does it, that soft gentle look that belongs to him.
”Sorry about tonight, that wasn’t very pleasant of me, was it?”
Regulus laughs softly, shrugging as he tucks himself under his arm, wrapping his arms around his waist.
”S’okay, sure we’ll all apologise tomorrow and forget it ever happened.”
James holds him tightly, laying a few kisses on his forehead. “You are too good to me.”
”I know,” He says, closing his eyes against his lips on his skin. “But I don’t know how to be anything but that for you.”
”I love you.”
Regulus smiles, as he always does when he hears those words, because even now, it means he’s living his life just fine.
If he’s loved, he’s always going to be happy.
Everyone did forget about that night, they returned in the morning, Sirius’ tail between his legs as he apologises to them both, they laughed, hugged and he swore to not question their love lives again.
Which he didn’t.
He didn’t need to because that following February they were both caught, in an unusual way. A few days with Lily visiting her parents with Harry and James decided they’d stay at his.
Regulus was used to this, Lily’s gone, he’s there. Lily’s not home. Regulus is. Lily’s home. Regulus is alone.
They were in bed, as it seems they always are these days. Regulus on his knees, his hands on James’ headboard, slamming forward as James grips his hips, they were being loud, probably too loud, they didn’t hear anything.
They didn’t hear the door opening, closing and the steps making their way to his room.
And when Regulus was at the edge of his orgasm, mewing as he rocked backwards, the door opened and then came the gasp.
The dropping off keys and there she was, Lily stood with her green eyes blown wide as James and Regulus scrambled to pull apart and cover themselves.
Regulus couldn’t remember ever feeling so awfully caught in his life.
”I knew it!” She had said, half laughing in a crazed tone, “I fucking knew it… god James.”
James sprung up and he remembers sitting there, sweating still as he stood naked before her and desperately tried to explain himself.
”Do me a favour,” She muttered, “Don’t make me out to be some fool, I had my doubts about you, but I didn’t think you’d… this!”
”Lily!” James said desperately, “I can explain.”
”You don’t need to, we’re not together. I’m not angry,” She said, looking to Regulus with a sour expression on her face. “How long then… awhile?”
Awhile…
Regulus bit at his lip. “I’m sorry Lily, whatever explanation James can provide you, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re sneaking around in your house, I’m sorry.”
It’s all he could really offer, he wasn’t going to apologise for doing it, he never would. He would never owe an explanation to anyone about them. James was his before everyone had their lives together and thought so highly of themselves.
”Your sons got a cold, I came back early to take him to the doctors… perhaps you should go Regulus.”
James doesn’t look at him as he leaves, he takes his cigarettes and pushes past him, getting back into his car and chain smoking all the way home.
He wasn’t angry with James. But deep down he wanted him to just tell her, finally just fucking tell someone.
I love him. No I’m not stopping. We’re going to be together soon. It’s our choice.
But when a few days had passed and no text or call came Regulus was dreading the worst.
Was he that ashamed?
Was he embarrassed?
Regulus wasn’t sure but he did know he didn’t like the feeling in his stomach so he stayed inside, drinking coffee and watching movies, smoking too much and not eating enough.
Only a week later did a text come, not from James but from Lily.
Lily Evans: Hi Regulus. I’m sorry for the way I reacted the other day, I’ve known for awhile about you and James, saw a text last year but thought it might have been a one time thing, James has told me everything. I can’t really imagine what you’ve been feeling these past years, I had no idea you were seeing each other back at school, and if I did I certainly wouldn’t have been there with James when he would come to me. I’m sorry. I do wonder why you would carry it on. I don’t doubt you love him. But I can’t imagine this has been easy for you. James loves you, he has explained in the best way he can but it doesn’t seem he’s really interested in progressing your relationship. We both know James is selfish at times, and you owe me nothing but he owes me the truth. Please do not come to my house again. Please do not hold my child and act like you’re my friend when you have been deceiving me. I would have been fine with it all. I hope you know that. You both have turned this into something unexplainable because you chose to keep it a secret for so long. I hope you know that I think you deserve better than this. This is no way to live.
He remembers feeling so sick he could only lay in his bed and curl up small, closing his eyes and praying that whatever happened he’d just have James.
In some ways he feels nothing for the message. It was kind, it was understanding but the truth hurt him. She knew James and she saw in a week what Regulus had been feeling inside for years.
She was right.
He hated being a secret. It was fine when they were young. But now everyone is looking at him with pity over having had no partners or lovers, he wishes he could have just told them.
It wasn’t bad.
It was bad because they’d hidden it for so long. Now it was, as she said, utterly unexplainable.
He just wanted James.
”Pick up,” He muttered with his phone pressed to his ear, his throat was aching and he couldn’t bear hearing another call that wasn’t him. “Please pick up.”
”I can’t talk right now,” James said as he answered, “I’ve got a lot of shit at my fucking neck!”
”How!?”
”Because Lily’s right, I’m a fucking selfish prick.”
”You’re not, you-“
”I can’t talk now.” The phone line dies and Regulus stares ahead at the wall.
Was it over?
He didn’t sound happy, not thrilled to be able to tell everyone that he loved Regulus, he was angry. He was angry because he could have gone on like this forever. Keeping it a secret.
Regulus spent a long time trying to find it in himself to understand, to figure out why it was so difficult for him. Why it mattered. Why it was always such a big deal. Because if he was honest from the beginning they’d probably be happier.
There would be no baby.
No disgusted mothers.
No shame.
No guilt.
They’d be a couple, like Remus and Sirius, who no one treated differently. It wasn’t because it was gay. It wasn’t because he was a boy. It wasn’t because he wanted something else.
It was because it was Regulus.
Regulus who was quiet, lived alone, had lots of money and nothing quite special enough to make him interesting. He has strict parents who bought him his first home, his second home. His inheritance. Regulus with no friends. Regulus who was kind but not kind enough to be described that way. Regulus who was angry, impatient and didn’t like crowds.
You can accept James being a single father, because he’s kind, he’s special, he’s loving and he’s worked hard.
You can’t then accept James having an affair with someone like Regulus. Cant imagine what he says in him. Can’t imagine what they’d talk about. Can’t imagine such different people being able to love.
He understands then, as he would until the day he died. Regulus wasn’t good enough for him.
There wasn’t a long time of feeling guilty.
It was unfair.
James was his first. James started this. James controlled this. James didn’t want to tell people.
He was so angry, mostly at James, for not defending him, just spilling his guts and implying he was some sort of victim in this. He was somehow coerced. Deceived. That Regulus was just a sad man, who he fucked and maybe he did love him, but certainly not enough for her to notice.
Out of his mind. As James had once said. She must just think he is out of his mind.
To drown out the thoughts he went out, he bought a but of cocaine, sniffed his way through the bag and sat with a scotch, something his father would drink when rowing with Mother.
”Hey,” Someone says across the bar, a girl, curly dark hair, big brown eyes and a pink drink in front of her. “You look like you’ve had a shit day.”
Regulus scoffs a laugh. “You’ve no idea.”
”Cigarette?” She offers, sliding over her pack with a red lighter.
He sits with her, tells her a lie about losing his job, his family being disappointed in him, between cigarettes and whiskeys he found himself adding into the story an affair.
”Your bosses wife,” She had gasped. “Goodness.”
”Mhm,” Regulus replied, “So everyone’s a little angry at me at the moment.”
She rubbed his hand, her long nails poking into his skin. She smiled at him, a big youthful smile that made him smile im return.
“You know what I think?”
”What?” He asked, genuinely curious.
“I think you’ve had a pretty shit time, and you shouldn’t care what anyone thinks about you. You’re young, you’re beautiful and you certainly don’t deserve to spend your life regretting just living your truth.”
His truth. Different than theirs. James’. Lilys. Sirius’. Everyones. Regulus knows the truth. And this stranger was right. What the fuck did he have to be sorry about?
They stayed a long while, he didn’t ask her questions, not even her name, he danced with her and she kissed him, she didn’t look around before doing it, she was grinning up at him, her arms around his neck.
”Wanna get out of here?”
And for whatever reason, he did.
He was in her small apartment, curiously watching her undress before him sat on the sofa.
He was pretty entranced by the whole thing.
The sight of a naked woman, how different she was to James. No hard lines. All soft. Pale. Curved. Perky and sweet.
”Touch me,” She had whispered. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”
Regulus slipped his fingers between her wet folds and looked up at her, the way her eyes closed and her teeth bit her lip.
It was difficult to imagine he’d be here. His face in a perfumed neck as he fucked a girl, for the first time in his life, in control.
She was beautiful, she cried softly and she moaned like music. Regulus was careful with her, he liked the way she looked up at him.
She didn’t know anything about him.
She didn’t have any judgment.
Regulus liked the way she came, how she had turned pink, tightened around him and cried gently. He liked the way when he came inside of her she had giggled, told him off and said she’d have to buy the morning after pill.
He liked how small she was when they were lying down, and how different it was to James.
But despite it all. Despite how lovely she was. How small and beautiful. How sweet.
All he could do was stare at the ceiling as she slept and wish he was with James instead. He snuck out, left her a bit of money for the pill and stepped out into the morning sun feeling worse than the beginning of the night.
He went home that morning, driving half drunk back to his house in the country, finishing the last of his cocaine before he had a bath, laying and staring into oblivion before the water turned cold and his fingers pruned.
Only when he was off his face could he silence his thoughts, ignoring the scratching of darkness clawing at his skin.
James called that night.
When he was hours into a comedown, slouched over the toilet, he answered.
”Hey.”
There he was.
His body sighed in relief.
”Hi.”
”You alright?”
”Not really,” He whispered, staring into the toilet bowl at the mess of liquids. “Not at all.”
“Can I come over?”
”For what?” He asked hopelessly, “Are we not going to carry on pretending?”
”We weren’t pretending,” James sighed, “She a little shocked yes, but-“
”But you could tell her it was my fault,” Regulus smiles, his eyes flooding, “You could tell her how it was just sex, just a thing that kept happening when you drank too much. Because you didn’t ever see me sober that first year, did you?”
He’s silent. But Regulus is depressed, he’s got no energy to play pretend. He’s done too much in a short amount of time and now he’s angry, regretting everything.
”You didn’t tell anyone not because it was easier for you, but because you never were planning on it. You’re ashamed of me, it was easy for you to tell everyone about Lily,” He chokes on a strangled sob, “Because she’s beautiful, perfect, kind and she’s not afraid of being without you. You keep me around because I am afraid of being without you and you know that… you know that I’ll stay even if you never told anyone, you didn’t care if I felt unwanted or embarrassed by my own fucking love, you wanted your cake and you wanted to eat it with no strings attached.”
“That is not what I think!” James says angrily. “It’s hard for me.”
”No it isn’t,” Regulus whispers, “Your parents are lovely, they wouldn’t mind if you were dating a fucking murderer as long as you were happy. It’s easy.”
”Reg,” James whispers, “Baby.”
”I’m not your baby.”
”I’m coming.”
He puts his phone down and rubs his eyes and stares into the toilet, he puts his knuckles into his eyes and squeezes until his vision blurs and he can no longer bear to think about anything.
James lets himself in, he looks down at him hunched over the toilet, sitting beside him and looking at him.
”Are you high?” He whispers, “You’ve got powder all over your nose.”
”I’m not high.” Regulus says, flushing the toilet and laying down against the cold tiles, closing his eyes.
James is silent for a long while, he lays beside him, holding his hand. They look ridiculous.
”I didn’t blame you.”
”Is that why she sent me that text?”
”It’s not that.”
”What is it then?”
”Lily see’s one version of me, a very small view of who I actually am. Dad me, with Harry and that’s about it.”
Regulus lets out a sigh, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. “I’ve lost you too many times… I’ve suffered… so much because of this James.”
”I know,” He pulls him to his chest, Regulus holds onto him. “And I could never be more sorry.”
”But you could have been better to me.”
He could have tried harder. He was good at apologising. Good at being sorry. Good at pretending. Good at making love to him. Not good at much else.
”I know.”
Regulus looks into his eye and hopelessly feels his chest ache. “You’ll be the death of me.”
”I need you, more than you could ever know, Reg. I messed up with you, I should have done things properly, but I didn’t. But I can’t lose you.”
”You don’t want me… you like how much I love you, how selfish I am when it comes to you. How I’m always there. I’ll always be there, waiting.”
James is silent, and he knows why. He’s right. It doesn’t make him feel better. To have figured it out. To finally understand what the meaning of this was.
It’s devastating. He loves him. James loves how much he loves him. He loves the secrets. The dirtiness. The way Regulus breaks every moral for him. He loves having him to blame for everything.
”Would you choose me?” Regulus whispers, “If it meant losing the way people viewed you? Would you choose me?”
James nods but he’s lying, his eyes aren’t on his, he’s elsewhere in his head.
Regulus stands up, stumbling to his bedroom and taking a long moment to decide something in his head.
This is it.
There isn’t anything left to give. We’re going to be this for the rest of time.
”You’re mine, still… right?” James asks at his door, stood with his arms folded and his eyes red.
“I am.”
He crawls over him, kissing him, his hands on his waist, fiddling with his belt. Regulus lays back, closing his eyes and letting him, feeling his chest ache as James blocks his view of anything else.
”I love you,” James tells him, fucking him softly, “I love you and I’m not stopping this for anyone.”
Regulus feels himself slip out of his body, watching them do it, one of them pulling away and one of them clinging on for dear life.
He would never give him what he wants.
He wasted almost 10 years waiting for something James never considered giving him.
When they’re finished James starts whispering about going away, a holiday somewhere.
Just them.
And when they came back things would be better.
So he slept that night in his arms, thinking about the girl he’d had sex with pointlessly, proving some invisible point to himself that he wasn’t chaines to James. But he was.
He was old enough to know if things haven’t changed by now, they probably wouldn’t.
In the morning James was lovely, he woke up to breakfast, a coffee and a cigarette, they shared a kiss, promising to spend the day.
And it was enough for him, as it always had been. James lounging around, gorgeous and smiling, getting what he wanted, as usual.
As long as he’s happy.
Whatever it means for me, he’s just more important.