Chapter 6
Regulus was somewhat happy when things had settled between James and Lily, she allowed him to be in her presence, she acted like nothing happened, at Sunday lunch at his parents house she was polite and it no longer felt exciting lying to her, just depressing.
She probably wasn’t aware they were still seeing each other, or she was, either way, it wasn’t mentioned or brought up to him.
James was happy, spoon feeding Harry and laughing, his hand on Regulus’ lap whilst the other plays aeroplane.
Staring at Mrs Potter as she tells them about her gardening, he felt a little out of sorts, he figured after his revelation there would come some peace, some acceptance perhaps, but being a secret wasn’t much fun anymore. Maybe when he was younger.
Not now.
He was in the kitchen helping wash up when Euphemia started rubbing his back, “You okay baby?”
And he wasn’t. He shrugged a little, brushing the question off, not giving much of an answer for her, so she pushed.
”You can tell me, you know that.”
Regulus felt all his emotions smacking him in the face and he looked cautiously to the living room door where James was before he just lost it. He squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his shaking hands and slumped.
”Oh baby,” She coo’s, rushing him out of the kitchen into Fleamont’s office, she holds him tightly in her small arms and he just stands there like a child. His face in her powdery neck, she rubs his back and neck, whispering that’s it okay. She’ll fix it. She’ll help. Whatever it is.
“You can tell me, I swear to you no one else will hear of it.”
He pulls back to look at her, and it just made sense. To tell her. He scrambled out a pathetic little story of it all, me and James, school, affair, baby, love, all of it pouring out into her arms.
She didn’t seem surprised. She held him and nodded understandably, she wiped away the tears that came when he tried to explain that he’s sorry, he’s so sorry for lying to her, so sorry that he feels like he’s half of himself.
So sorry that he wasn’t really sorry. Not really.
“I knew, I guess,” She told him softly, a supportive smile on her lips. “That summer you stayed after oxford… I saw, well you know... Why are we so upset about this now?”
”Because I’m not sure I’m ever going to get what I want.”
Euphemia kisses his forehead, she rubs up his arms and he accepts the motherly love healing his broken heart. “Stay tonight, I’ll pull up some excuse to them both, okay? We’ll have tea and we’ll really talk about this. You haven’t spoken about it to anyone have you?”
”No.”
”It’s eating at you, darling. Your own thoughts are valid, but should be shared. You go wipe your eyes and sit back down. We’ll sort this.”
And he believes her, as he sits down with a false smile beside James, pretending to be interested in the tv, he doesn’t feel bad for telling her. If she isn’t angry, arguably quite an important person in his life, then he can slowly make sense of it all. Or just try.
“Best be off,” James declares, “Coming Reg?”
Euphemia stands up and shakes her head, “I’d really like Regulus’ help with something, if you’d stay love?”
James looks at him, not expecting him to decline, because he never does when asked to stay. “See you tomorrow then?”
”Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
They all leave and Fleamont makes a quick gesture with his hand. “I’m to leave aren’t I?”
”Yes Monty,” Euphemia smiles, kissing his cheek as he makes his way to his office. “Let me brew some tea, I’ll get tissues and everything will be okay.”
And it was. It was pathetic, sat on the sofa at his big age, with a secret love affair being told to James’ mum, rambling about his first time, how much he wishes it never happened because he fears accepting it once, started all of this.
Once a secret, always a secret.
He’s careful with the mention of Harry, she knows that’s her grandchild, and she does frown when he tells her that they were carrying it on after he was born.
”Why didn’t you stop?”
”Because I love him more than I respect myself.”
She hugged him close, “Your heart is too big, too understanding. James is my son, I love him but he’s a selfish person, especially it seems with you. You gave him an inch and he’s ran a mile with it.”
”Tell me about it,” He says with a sad smile. “But I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I have nothing without him-“
”That just isn’t true.”
”You should have seen me when I found out Lily was pregnant, there was days I considered it would have been better to drop dead than feel his absence.”
Euphemia strokes his hair, kissing his head and pouring all her love onto him. She understands. She tells him so, she tells him that he’s going to have to figure out that James isn’t the sun, he doesn’t revolve around him or his wants. She tells him to set boundaries. To make sure he’s not constantly getting what he wants.
But it was pointless. One look into those eyes, he’s the stupidest man in the world.
And James is his sun. He is the thing he revolved around.
Although he did agree, he promised in fact, but she told him that he should tell Sirius, be honest with him. This lie was getting too big, too unforgiving, too stupid.
”He’s your brother first before James’ friend, he can moan about it, he can be angry… but he can’t take away the fact that this is what’s happening. The sooner James realises the people in his life know, the sooner he’ll realise there’s no hiding behind that excuse.”
He slept in James’ room that night, thinking of what to tell Sirius, because he might not be able to change with James, but he can tell people. This is no longer a secret. Lily knew. Both his parents will know by tomorrow no doubt. But Sirius.
Sirius who he shared a womb with, taught him everything, showed him love when there was none. He deserves the truth. And James can hate him for it, but if he needs him as much as he always claims, he’d just have to understand.
James called that night, past midnight, his worst hour, always alone in bed, needing some attention.
”Hey love,” He whispers in his husky voice that makes Regulus close his eyes. “How are you?”
”I’m okay.”
”What did mum want?”
”Gardening advice, just in your bed currently,” He smiles, “Are you alright?”
James makes a little noise of laughter. “God she has you wrapped around her finger. I’m alright too, just missing you. Sad I didn’t get to see you tonight, hard to sleep without you.”
”Can I ask you something?”
Better let James know, before Sirius starts talking to him after he’s asked or told him his story.
”Sure.”
”I want to tell Sirius… about us.”
James is quiet, too quiet. He sighing heavily, huffing almost. As if it was an expected nuisance to him. “Why?”
”What do you mean why? I don’t want to lie to him anymore.”
”You’ve been fine lying for the past 8 years.”
Regulus feels his words slice cruelly. He had a quick tongue, always right in the worst of times. “Well I don’t want another 8 years.”
”Just leave it, Regulus.”
”No,” He says firmly. “Lily knows.”
”Yeah and Lily thinks I’m a selfish cunt now, which by the way I’m pretty sure is not the case. I asked you in oxford if you wanted to tell Sirius and be my boyfriend, you laughed and said no.”
”That isn’t fair.” Regulus whispers. “You’re being mean.”
”Just fuck off with this subject, jesus. Aren’t I doing enough for you? What do you want, more time? More flowers and calls, more fucking? What is the problem with this?”
“The problem is I’m miserable, James. I’m not being a secret for my whole life, I refuse. I deserve better-“
”Then stop seeing me.” James dares. Cruel again. Manipulative.
”What?”
”If this is so terrible for you and so fucking awful. Then just stop. Stop it completely and let me go.”
The panic arrives immediately, he’s got chills down his spine, a nauseous twisting in his stomach. “Is that what you’d want? You’d rather lose me than have people know?”
James sniffs. “I’d rather stop if you’re so miserable. And I don’t want my best friend to look at me like I broke his favourite toy, that somehow, this is all my fault, that you take no accountability in this to just accept that this is what you wanted first.”
”You’ve started this!” Regulus whispers desperately. “You knew I liked you, and I could have lived with that. Yeah it would hurt, seeing you live without me, but I could have! You started this all.”
”And who let me?”
”You’re so cruel sometimes, James.”
”Yeah well it’s the truth. Call me when your thinking with your head, goodnight.”
The phone line dies and Regulus curls up, frustrated not with James but himself. For even thinking that this was a good idea. You can’t have it all. Choose. It’s him or nothing. You can’t have both.
And he does choose.
In the morning he’s calling James, driving him to Regulus’ house, all forgotten. Making tea for him and deciding this is just it.
I’d have him behind a closed door.
There just wasn’t an option to lose him. There was no strength to try and live a life alone.
The years passed that way.
Mrs Potter didn’t ask when Regulus next came around, she took one look at his face and it’s clear expression that he absolutely didn’t want to talk about it again. She didn’t ask.
She got sick 2 summers later, he had never wanted to accept the fact, that she was frail, thin and sickly. He hated it. Him and James would sit with her, she’d be in bed most days that summer, smiling still as age ate her away like she wasn’t the strongest person he knew.
Fleamont was always in his study, always on the phone with the hospital and doctors. Never smiling. No warmth except when he’d paint a smile for his wife, sit at her side and talk to each other all afternoon.
Regulus would sit with her, in her last days, holding her hand and reading to her, and she’d squeeze his hand, look him in the eye, it took all her strength to just lightly move.
”Don’t keep doing this, baby.” She had whispered weakly. “Don’t let me down. You know you deserve more.”
And he had wept, he had wept over the fact no matter what he did about it now, she wouldn’t be there to congratulate him or comfort him, whatever the out come.
The night she died James had been the last to see her, he made a horrible scream for help and Regulus could only watch Fleamont and James stood over her peaceful body, like she might have been sleeping.
He hadn’t ever felt a pain so agonising. So final. He had thought losing James was bad. But staring at the woman who had shown him love the way a mother should, he mourned her like nothing else.
James was a wreck, his first thought for the bottle, for drink, but Regulus hid everything, he called Lily, whispering what happened and that she should probably explain it to everyone else.
”I’m so sorry Regulus,” She whispered. “I’m so… sorry. I know how close you were.”
He had wiped his eyes, looking to James sat with his head in his hands as Fleamont rubbed his back.
”Harry should be here, he’d make it a little easier for everyone I think.”
And he did, in some ways, at 4 his innocence was easy. He didn’t understand grandma was gone, he just knew people were sad, and he would sit quietly, holding whoever’s hand was closest to him, Regulus and him had a little bond, something small he kept away from other eyes.
He loved him.
He loved how on the worst days, he could smile, and suddenly everyone felt a little less shit.
He loved to play with him, to listen to him garble about whatever it was he did that day.
The funeral was a sunny day, not a dry eye in the room, sharing memories of a woman who loved everyone like a mother.
The best of humanity. The best of them all.
Sirius really struggled with it all, he was so angry, he couldn’t understand why the doctors didn’t do more, he’d call them and shout for hours, until someone would take the phone off him and set him aside to calm down.
Fleamont didn’t stick around long after she had gone, the following winter when everyone was just about healing, he had a heart attack in bed, James had sobbed, like he had never seen, he was so so sad.
He’d just cry to Regulus, when they’d be in bed together, clutching at him, all he could do was cry with him. To understand that life isn’t fair. Life was brutal.
But life was kind enough to not let Fleamont live without his love for too long. He was never the same without Effie, he smiled only to Harry, only spoke when spoken to, the sad truth was he was happier wherever he had gone now.
That christmas was the worst, all their first without Mr and Mrs Potter, they all wanted to just forget the day. But Lily insisted firmly they need to, they have to stick together.
So they did, Lily cooked, with Harry babbling to everyone it wasn’t as bad as spending the day in bed as planned. This was their new family. And everyone made sure James was never alone.
He had changed after everything, he wasn’t ever cold, he had a new fear of losing people that broke Regulus’ heart, he never went to bed without telling everyone he loved them, he never let anyone know it, but Regulus saw it, but he was terrified.
He had lost everything so quickly that now he was constantly on edge, constantly watching out the window of his parents house at the two birds that would perch and chirp all day.
”James?” Regulus would whisper, “It’s okay for you to be sad.”
James would turn to him, he’d smile, his eyes not matching it. “They’re looking out for me.”
”Of course they are.”
”I was thinking… maybe we should tell Sirius. Lily wants to move somewhere bigger, she said she’d prefer to have her own place. Maybe we could move in here.”
It had shocked him. He wanted this for 10 years. Yet hearing him saying it felt nothing like he expected. It felt terrifying.
It felt like it was all too good to be true.
”Are you sure?” Regulus whispered. “You’ve been through a lot and I know-“
James took his hand. “I need to. My mum, erm,” He takes a breath. “She told me she knew about us. She said if I wanted to make her happy, I’d make sure I’d either leave you or commit properly.”
Regulus stares as 2 tears roll down his cheeks. She told him. Of course she did.
”And I really can’t lose anyone else.” He chokes out.
And he understood, however he felt about this, happy or not, it took James losing his parents to understand the gravity of loss. To understand it’s cutting cruel blade. It’s callous unforgiving nature.
Regulus had known it. But James finally understood. Losing people is like losing yourself.
James told Sirius that night, Regulus was looking after Harry in his small room, playing trains with him, talking about this and that.
“Regulus?”
”Yeah?” He whispered back to his little voice.
”Mummy told me my dad is sad a lot, but uncle Regulus helps. Why?”
Regulus strokes his curls, touching his cheek and shrugging. “I give him my heart, I do this,” He presses his fingers to his small chest and rubs. “And all my love just goes in.”
Harry smiles and nods. “When will I learn how to do it?”
”You are extremely special, because you can do it like magic, no touching, you just being in a room can fixed things.”
”I’m magic?”
”You’re the most magic person in the world.”
James appears at the door, a tight smile on his face, Regulus meets his eye. He wonders how it went. He wonders a lot. But he’s more anxious. If it will change his mind.
“Mum told him.”
”What?”
”Mum told him, last summer. He said he knew, he said he understood, he understands I should say… and he’s angry we didn’t tell him, but he said as long as we’re happy, it doesn’t matter much anymore.”
Regulus can’t help but smile, a weight lifts from his shoulders and he says a small prayer for Effie in his head.
Thank you. Thank you.
James was all of sudden so beautifully absorbed in it all, that first time seeing Sirius after he knew or they all knew he guesses, he didn’t shy away from hiding his touch for Regulus, he held his hand on top of the table.
And he couldn’t explain it. How everything was suddenly so perfect. How Remus and Sirius at first would furrow their brows as they kissed softly, but it quickly went away.
James was proudly, and brightly all his.
When they properly moved into the house together, Lily bought them flowers and congratulated them both. Happy for them both, happier than he had seen her in a while.
They made love and didn’t need to lock the door, or scurry away in the mornings, James would hold him, still even when Harry would waddle in, in the mornings, he’d place him between them both.
Harry was easy, he didn’t have a problem with it. He liked it, or at least he had said so.
”Dad?”
”Yeah baby?” James mumbles tiredly.
”Is everyone happy now? Even though grandma and grandpa are gone?”
Regulus squeezed James’ shoulder.
“We will miss them forever… but we’re all getting happier as time passes. Like a cut on your knee, it feels really terrible at first but it eventually fades and just leaves a scar… like a bad memory you’ve gotten through.”
”Do you think they miss us?”
”Absolutely.” James whispers.
Things were finally as he wanted them, Regulus reached out in a letter to Pandora and Barty, a huge apology, an explanation of sorts, how things are going. He said he was happy. He had never been so happy.
He wished they could find it to forgive him so he could share it with him. And it was that simple, they drove down, they all talked, Pandora had a swollen belly, and Barty was thrilled, they shared memories, and stories.
His friends were back, forgiving him. He had James. Completely. He had a family.
He had gotten everything he ever wanted.
That following week, on the phone to James driving back from dropping Harry off at Lily’s they were discussing a holiday.
”Italy,” James suggested. “Finally we can go.”
”I’d love that,” Regulus smiles, squinting through the rain hitting his windows. “Harry too?”
He loved him around, it was true, unfortunately children really were a light in a very dark world. It turned out Harry really wasn’t a mistake. And if he was, he was the best mistake.
“As if Lily would let us have him for long enough yet, she misses him after a night. Maybe next year with him, we have time. But just us.”
”Just us.” Regulus confirms, stopping at the traffic light.
“Hey, I love you.”
”I know, I love you too,” He whispers. “Need anything picking up? just passing the shops.”
”Just you oh and maybe some-“
Regulus had no time to react, nor see as he pulled out of the lane, that the light wasn’t yet off yellow, that the other car hadn’t noticed either. And as he pulled out and the rain crowded his view, the dark shadow of car coming at him full speed shook through his body like lightning.
There was no time to end the call, no time to lay tangled in the road, flipped upside in his car, with James’ voice screaming in his ears, because it was over quickly.
He had felt only the initial hit, the shock of it, the rest was silenced, and as he was suddenly looking at his car, from the outside, with a haze of grey and rain crowding the people who were running to help him. It was just too late.
An accident.
Regulus felt his last breath, his last pump of his heart, and finally saw his own eyes close.
It wasn’t him anymore. That was just his body, broken and tangled, he knew looking down at it, saddened for himself that he had lost it all. But only momentarily, because as his soul sank, he could only think of his life, a quick flash of it all.
Sirius and him as children, laughing and screaming their way down the halls, chased by their nanny. Eton and James. James. God so much of James. Tired James. Happy James. Angry James. All of it.
All of him.
All of his words. All of his love for him.
And then he wasn’t scared anymore. James would be okay. Regulus would miss a lot. But as he stepped back from his body and bumped into a wall, he stumbled, turned around and realised he had to go.
He had used his time. All of it. And then he could smile. There he thought. My life was short, painful at times, I had my month. It was painful, but that month was the best of his whole life, and so what it was short, abruptly ending so violently, but for the cost of loving someone like him, being able to experience a short taste of heaven?
He’d do it all again.
Every tear. Every sting. Every single time he said to himself he wouldn’t go back. He’s so grateful he did. Because loving James was his purpose in this life, blind love that showed Regulus that he has a soul, he had a pure gold soul that never put himself first and constantly pushed the world away to keep what was most important to him close.
James loved him in the end, after years, so many years of having half of him, he had died having all of him.
And so it was okay.
He wouldn’t fight it. He accepted the glowing light appearing and nodded, with some satisfaction.
”This is okay.”
He was mine in the end.
At least for a short while.