Chapter 4
The baby was born in July, a boy, a beautiful healthy boy with dark curls and green eyes, a whopping 7 pounds 8 ounces.
He received the news from Sirius, who was ecstatic for him, Regulus only answered his call out of desperation, he’d been alone at the hotel he was at, he had forgotten what his own voice sounded like.
“His names Harry, god Reg, he’s gorgeous, you need to come and see him!”
Regulus cut the line of cocaine in front of him and sniffed. “I’m busy.”
”Alright… erm, soon though?”
”I’ll see.” He whispers, hanging up the phone and leaning down to the table and snorting the 3 lines as his eyes rolled back.
Regulus had become numb. That first month he felt everything. He waited until James left the flat, removed his stuff and left his key on the table.
He wasn’t needed anymore. And they both knew it.
He had become a soulless man. He existed only to feel the pain of his absence. To carry all the love too heavily in his chest. To have no where to put it. No where for this love he had for James to go. So he drowned in it.
He started using drugs again, he started drinking, he left Barty’s flat eventually and ever since he’s been living in a hotel just outside of London.
Snorting his pain away and staring into oblivion.
There wasn’t much to think about. No job. No university. No friends. No Sirius. No James.
Regulus was completely and utterly alone.
Again.
James was his special thing since he was 15. Now he had lost him to something else, someone else, a partnership formed with another and a lifelong bond. There was no room for Regulus. James hadn’t reached out. He hadn’t called. He hasn’t tried. Because he knows it too. His lost life had now become fixed.
He never wanted to feel again.
It was a long time until someone found him that night, a member of staff, screaming for help as Regulus watched the world tilting off it’s axis.
He overdosed, something of the sorts anyway. When he woke up in hospital with Barty staring at him with red raw eyes and Pandora sat praying beside him, he realised he might have taken too much.
It was pathetic. Lay in a bed feeling nothing but annoyance that if he was going to overdose it didn’t just finish him off.
Regulus could either go to rehab or move in with Barty, that was his ultimatum to not call Sirius. He had changed his emergency contact, just in case things ever got really bad after James, or if he couldn’t take much more.
So he was living with Barty, just about existing.
They were both coddling him. Pandora was the worst, she didn’t leave his side, she refused to let him sleep alone. Silently tucking herself into his body at night, a kiss on his cheek and she’d wordlessly close her eyes.
He wouldn’t come to appreciate it but at the time it was exactly what he needed.
She was a light in a darkened world and she had no trouble telling him the hard truths.
”Look,” She said to him one day, “What happened was awful, inexcusably awful. But right now you’re letting a baby ruin your life.”
Barty winced and awkwardly scratched his head. “Yeah, what P means to say is that you should maybe try… moving on?”
”Not moving on,” Pandora says quickly. “You love him, that won’t change. I’m sorry but it won’t, but right now you’re disgusting. Your hair looks awful, your skin is dry and you haven’t eaten a proper meal in months… I’m worried and I’m not going to let you die glued stuck to Barty’s sofa.”
Regulus looked himself in the mirror that day. He didn’t recognise himself. His hair was unkempt and long, he had large circles around his eyes and he was bone thin, his ribs protruding and his legs were sore just from standing.
You’re ruining your life. What life?
”Barty.” He called.
”Yeah?” Barty said outside the door.
”Cut my hair.”
”Huh?”
Regulus opened the door and stared at him, “Please cut my hair, I look like a drug addict.”
Barty did, quietly he sat with Regulus as he slumped pathetically in an empty bath, snipping away. Regulus watched his black waves drop onto the porcelain and felt a little better once he could no longer feel the tickling of his greasy hair on his skin.
He wasn’t sure why he decided to do it, but with his hair at his ears, his eyes dead looking, he wanted to feel different.
He didn’t want to feel this anymore.
Slowly he started to eat again, Pandora baked and cooked plenty, always happy to offer seconds and thirds. She would move in pretty quickly before Christmas, deciding it was just obvious, and yes it was. She practically lived there anyway.
The three of them.
In an odd way, he should have known it would end like this. 3 outcasts.
There wasn’t much to be happy about, but he could enjoy things. He enjoyed watching Barty and Pandora bicker and argue over washing clothes and not tidying up.
He could smile at bad television.
He could stomach texts from Sirius about the baby without rushing to throw up now.
Barty wanted to call Sirius, explain it all and ask him why he’s still friends with such an arsehole, but Regulus insisted it wouldn’t change anything.
James Potter was unsurprisingly a great dad. Who had moved near his parents with Lily and had a swing set, a nappy bag and stubble now.
He was a stranger.
The James that loved him had died when the baby was born.
And only now could he be okay with it.
Well at least pretend to a level.
It was when Sirius visited with pictures and videos did he feel a strange sense of conflict.
He sat and stared the baby.
The baby was James. It was a tiny fat James with rolls and a gummy smile, only yes, Lily’s emerald green eyes were distracting him from that.
He was a beautiful baby.
But when he looked at him all he saw was everything he has lost in human form.
James’ parents had reached out and asked him to stay but he had ignored them, he knew how close they were and he couldn’t bear to see them and have to swallow down their happiness of a grandchild like glass in a cut.
”James misses you.”
Regulus nods silently, sitting and watching the video of Harry eating his feet.
“You fell out?”
He shakes his head.
”You’re not really talking much.”
”I mean it’s a baby, I can’t exactly ask much or say much. He eats and sleeps and shits in his own pants.”
Sirius frowns. “I’m his godfather.”
Yes. It was lovely. Sirius was a god father. Everyone was happy. Everyone had a new label. Except Regulus.
”I’m happy for you.”
”Come meet him then? James would love it and Lily really wants to connect Harry to all his family.”
Regulus fiddles with his rings and laughs. Family? “I’m not his family, he has zero relation to me, and I have no interest in becoming friends with her.”
Sirius’ face twists in disgust, he doesn’t often look at him this way. “Ever since James had this baby you’ve been acting like an utter cunt, god he’s happy Reg, I know you’re probably upset you lost your roommate but he’s got a future now.”
Every word was a slap across the face.
He didn’t see Sirius much after that day.
Regulus began house hunting, he wanted his own place and wanted Barty and Pandora to be able to tell him that they were together.
He had only realised a few weeks back.
She was humming along in the kitchen, thinking Regulus was asleep, when Barty came up behind her, he watched and smiled sadly as they kissed softly.
He had been so selfishly depressed that he had missed it.
So to avoid any more guilt he wanted to move, not far, not away and isolate himself but he wanted to start over in a space of his own where no memories lingered.
That meant no London.
He moved further north, a small train ride from London, he bought his house in the countryside, only a small thing, Father helped him with securing the property.
It was small, cosy and most importantly, no one could bother him unless he invited them in.
And he enjoyed it. He liked decorating and placing his books around, always leaving the windows open, planting flowers and lighting his fire and smoking cigarettes in his bed.
He was at peace.
Most of the time at least.
There were nights when he clutched at photos of James and sobbed, he had never missed someone who was completely gone before. Like he had died.
It felt to Regulus like he had died.
And maybe in a way that was more comforting than pretending he was still alive and living a perfect life like they never knew each other.
It was only Regulus haunted with memories. He was made of memories. There was no memory in his past 8 years that didn’t have James in, or James lingering around.
He had no idea just how badly he had his claws in him.
It was summer again quickly, Regulus was in his garden, smoking as he skeptically looked at a slug. The sun was hot, the grass was fragrant and he could tolerate the sun on his skin once again.
”Don’t eat my freesia’s.” He mumbled to the slugs.
He had been trying to grow a flower garden all spring but they were dying constantly, Pandora told him they sensed sadness, he told her that was ridiculous, but she might be right, he’d only had a few measly sprouts.
He’s sighing as he hears a car pulling into the gravel, he huffed, thinking it was Pandora who came by constantly with baked goods, checking he wasn’t dead is more factual.
But it wasn’t.
It was James.
Some other James that is.
A James with trimmed tidy hair and a stubbled face, considerably more built and slightly older looking.
It had been a year since he saw him.
Nope. Not today. Not now. Leave me alone.
Regulus just looked back to the slug and wondered what he could do if he did start eating his flowers.
He could probably get some spray to rid them off, but he didn’t want to taint anything with chemicals.
“Regulus?”
Then again if he did, that would probably save his flowers for the winter and their roots, but he could try a natural remedy, Pandora probably knew something to help.
“Regulus.”
Regulus stands and nods, looking at him and waiting to see what he wants.
”Hey.”
”Hello, what do you want?” Regulus murmurs, not looking him in the eye.
God he hadn’t taken the stew from the oven earlier. Hopefully this didn’t last long so it wouldn’t burn.
James furrows his brows and then smiles. “I thought I’d come see your house… it’s great.”
Regulus blinks at him. How stupid it was. How difficult this is, to see his eyes are the same. They were his once. Now they were nervous. He looked away quickly.
”Can we talk?” James whispers sagging his shoulders, obviously dejected with this fake act.
”There’s nothing to talk about.”
”There is.”
”What?” Regulus mutters, “Shall we watch videos of your son and talk about your future with Lily? Sounds like a blast, go fuckyourself.”
He’s walking into his house when James touches his shoulder, he leaps away, like he was electrocuted he rubs at his shoulder like he’d been shot.
“Don’t touch me!” He whispers desperately. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
James’ eyes close and he bites his lip. “Please, I know I don’t have any right to ask you for anything but please Regulus, let me talk to you.”
“My heart hurts looking at you, nothing you say will do anything but make it worse. I don’t-“ He sniffs harshly and closes his eyes. “I can’t bear to feel any worse than I already do.”
”Baby.” He chokes.
And it’s so fucking sick. It’s so twisted and sick. Because Regulus knows it wasn’t his fault. He knows despite his actions and infidelity James didn’t intentionally get her pregnant. He didn’t even want children. He stepped up. Because he’s a man. He’s a good man who made a mistake. He didn’t run. He didn’t hide.
But he left him behind. Only now with his happiness settled does Regulus cross his mind. And it’s awful.
“James, please… I’m finally at peace.”
“I’m not!” He pleads, reaching for him but getting pushed back. “I haven’t known peace since you left, you need to let me see you because I can’t live without you.”
“You have a family, go home.”
”No.”
Regulus chews the inside of his cheek and stares at his arms crossed, a look of perseverance in his face.
”Go home, to your family.”
”No.”
“James go! I don’t want you here.”
James pushes past him, into his house, destroying his peace, his bubble of joy and melting it away with his presence. He sits on his sofa and stares at the wall. Stubborn.
He was insane.
”James go!” Regulus shouts.
”No.”
”Fuck off!” He practically screams, but he’s still, unmoving, his eyes glossy.
”Sit and talk to me and then I’ll go.”
He talks as if he’s being wronged, that Regulus is being unfair, punishing him. He is. He knows the power James has over him. James knows it too. He knows he can leave for a year and Regulus will be there waiting, it’s happened before.
Regulus wipes the frustrated tears from his face and sits opposite him on his chair, hugging his knees to his chest, not caring how pathetic he looks. James looks just as pathetic here.
”I didn’t want this… it happened and I’m happy yes, he’s my world and it’s not going to be nice for you to hear… I get that. But I didn’t want it. I didn’t choose this, I was given it, I could either run or hide, and I am not a coward, it is not a babies fault that I made a drunken mistake.”
”I don’t blame your fucking baby!”
James side eyes him and sighs heavily. “If I could go back and stop it, I would. I’d go and tell myself to go home to you and enjoy it, because as much as I love my son I don’t love Lily.”
“You live together.” He says blankly. The information was static in his head, just buzzing unimportance.
”Yes we’re parents to a human, helps to be close and yes, I’ll admit we tried, we thought we’d see if we had a connection past drunken hookups, but we don’t… I loved you then and I love you now, and I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry baby. But I can’t go another day without you, you’re everything to me and I’m sorry.”
Regulus actually felt worse. He thought he’d be happy. But it wasn’t about how James felt. He knew it wasn’t his fault.
He knew they were probably happy when he wasn’t drunk.
But all he felt was lies.
He felt everything. But mostly he felt embarrassed.
”We can’t have a life together, James.”
James’ face looks stricken he shakes his head as if it’s ludicrous. “Of course we can, I have more responsibilities now sure-“
”You have a baby, a beautiful baby that you should go home to because all this conversation is doing is making me want to die.”
”Reg!” He pleads, he drops to his knees before him, it’s pathetic.
Only because he’s reeling, he’s looking down into his glazed eyes and feeling that ache, that god forsaken lack of self respect and intelligence that he always loses with him.
Regulus cups his face, running his fingers down his skin and shaking his head. “I’ll love you forever James, but if we do this I couldn’t forgive myself.”
James smiles sadly. “It’s not wrong. It never was, I made mistakes but I love you. I love you in a way I didn’t think was possible, I’d trade everything to go back and just have you once more, in our bed at the flat… smoking and watching you sleep.”
He’s done it now. The past haunts them. The past scratches at his heart and tells him not to do it, but he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t remember the year of agony he’s just crawled his way out of.
Regulus is kissing him, he’s got his fingers laced in his hair, he tastes the same as the old times, tea and mint. James is still on his knees, leaning up into him, his fingers resting on his thighs.
He knows how wrong this is.
He knows if anyone finds out he would be the bad person. Pandora would slap him, tell him to think about Lily, despite the fact she doesn’t like her, she holds her morals above it all.
And he certainly isn’t thinking about his own feelings. Because they’re leaking into his mouth like poison.
”James,” He chokes into his mouth, closing his eyes, “This isn’t right.”
”I’m not giving up on us… it’s not time. I’m not ready to give this up. I need this, I need you and I know you need me too.”
He needs me.
Regulus is drowning in his words, standing James up, leading him to his bedroom, intoxicated and naive as he lays down, his sheets untouched.
James pulls off his shirt and he can only reminisce, as he strips fully, remembering all his curves and lines, each freckle on each limb. The way his hair grows on his stomach, his swelling cock and the smell of his body as he crawls over him.
Regulus is naked with haste, James peeling away all his layers until he’s laid with his legs wide open, hating him for this, because words were okay, he could deal with that. But when he was touching him, that physical intimacy that he hasn’t shared with another soul, he feels it glowing embers of gold when they connect.
He’s pushing in and he’s crying out, eyes wide open, James’ lips on his forehead, kissing him as he works his way into him.
”Oh I’ve missed you,” James shudders, Regulus groans and meets his eyes, parting his lips. “I know… I know.”
He knows. He knows how incredibly difficult it is, how pleasure is rising in their bodies as they connect their souls once again, tangling 3 lines together in a mess.
It’s good, because it always was with him.
James knows how he likes it, the angles of his hips are pure muscle memory, Regulus is screaming out for him, his cock aching and his skin slick as James grips his hips, digging his nails into his skin.
The eye contact was unbearable, he’s so in love with him he just stares back at his sweating face like he’s an angel, forgetting he isn’t his anymore.
He’s just not his.
Just pretend. For now.
”Fuck!” James pants, stroking Regulus off onto his tummy as his head tips back, a long drawn out moan leaving his lips.
He had forgotten how beautiful he sounded when he came.
They pull apart and he stares at the ceiling, just to feel James lace their fingers together.
”Don’t start thinking.”
He smiles sadly, looking at him beside himself with sadness and pleasure all at once. “I can’t promise that.”
James nods understandably, “I know baby.”
Baby. I’m still his baby.
“I missed you so much,” He suddenly chokes, everything rising in his throat, all the pain flooding in and tears spilling. “I missed you so much I thought I’d die.”
James holds him as he weeps, he clutches him as tightly as possible, whispering that he’ll make it up to him.
“We’ll make it work, I promise. One day we’ll get us back and it’ll be beautiful, because it was, it is. We have something important and I need this, I can’t- I can’t lose you.”
Regulus inhales the smell of his chest and the strange powdery sweetness of his skin. His actual baby. His child whose dad is betraying his mother who no doubt has no idea what’s happening right now.
“How is it?” Regulus asks, even though it will hurt him.
James swallows and smiles. “I love him, Regulus. In a way I didn’t know was possible, it’s just… I feel like I have to be my best self because I want to be that for him… I have to be that for him.”
”This is your best self?” He asks with a strain of humour as he asks, gesturing to their naked bodies tangled.
”I was always my best with you.”
”You weren’t, I reminisce occasionally how perfect it was, but it wasn’t. We fought, we argued, we-“
James kisses him, shutting him up. “Shut up Reg, alright?”
”Alright.” He whispers.
James stays a long while, between short bursts of sleep and languidly kissing him, there wasn’t much to say, because anything that was said was wrong and hurt.
”I should go now,” He says when the moons up and the darkness falls across the room. “But I want to see you again now, I don’t want you to ignore me. Text me, when I can come I’ll come.”
Hm. He wants this more. He wants an arrangement. He didn’t even ask. James assumes because James gets what he wants. Because Regulus is weak.
”Okay.”
James kisses him and gives him his number, he stands at the door, wrapped in the sheet watching him drive off with tears welling in his eyes.
It became apparent that James had no interest whatsoever in being conspicuous about this, his phone is invaded with countless messages daily since that first time.
James: Harry’s sleeping. Thinking of you. How are you?
James: Can’t stop thinking about you.
James: I’ll come today.
James: Send me a picture of you, I need to see you now.
And each time he came, there was flowers, a smile and a happiness that takes Regulus back home.
They were back where they were and he’d be lying if he didn’t feel some type of happy about it. Ultimately it was false. She took him from me first, he’d think cruelly. She did this to me. Let her know how it feels.
James would fuck him senselessly when he hadn’t been in over a week, no remorse whatsoever as he holds him down and uses him to his liking, as if he needed to, as if Regulus isn’t completely willing to do anything with him.
He’s the one smiling into the wall, as James fucks him, standing with shaking legs as he gets his face held to look at him.
”Look at you,” James would say in ecstasy, “You’re mine.”
And he’d nod, grinning darkly and later when he was gone, he’d smile, his body still sore, closing his eyes at the memory.
Because who cared? Who cares if he’s a shell of himself when he’s gone. Who cares if this is fake. Who cares as long as he’s not aching for death.
It was a little over 2 months when James had asked him to meet Harry, and he said no, not just once but 5 times.
”Why?”
He’d ask. And he couldn’t explain it without sounding like he was jealous over a baby. Which he was. He unforgivingly hated his son.
But he agreed, under the condition Lily wasn’t there, that no one would see him, no one would hear about it and he wouldn’t under any circumstances have to hold him.
James was happy, he found the sick twisted thought of it exciting. He arrived at his house, holding his son, Regulus looked out the window and did a prayer.
Forgive me. I know how sick this is. I know I shouldn’t.
And he was beautiful. James was different with him, he was gentle and careful, he sat down and just stared at Regulus as he looked at him.
A tiny James, bigger now than the last photo he saw, with a drooling mouth and curls, he garbled and bounced excitedly.
”This is Regulus, he’s daddy’s best friend.” James whispered to his son, a smile on his lips.
Regulus did hold him, James put him in his lap with the excuse of needing the toilet. Regulus looked down at him, how delicate he was, how important to James he was.
If it wasn’t for his eyes he would pretend it’s just James. A small James who did no wrong, he just needed some love and attention.
But it wasn’t James. Just an extension of him, and his poor choices in life.
”Hello,” Regulus whispers, “I hope you don’t remember this, or think I’m Sirius because you have no idea how bad I’m being doing this.”
Harry snuggles into his chest, his head smells like James’ chest always does, he sniffs him and frowns.
What am I doing?
”He likes you.”
Regulus looks over to James stood resting at the door frame, his arms crossed and smile on his lips.
”I don’t think babies have good judgment’s of character.”
He sets him on his carpet and watches as he wiggles and bounces, fisting handfuls of the fur below him.
”Thank you for this,” James comes up to him, kissing him. “I want you to know that he’s not an obstacle. I want you to love him, not because he’s mine but because you are my family, Reg.”
Regulus nods but feels ashamed anyway. It’s different when no one is in front of him, a human reminder of a life he lost.
”He’s beautiful.”
”Well obviously,” James muses, scooping him off the floor and laying kisses over his face as Harry screams and giggles. “He’s mine.”
And Lily’s.
After that James insisted that he becomes more involved in his life, he wants him to visit his parents and to go see Sirius more. He pitied Regulus’ life, his recluse life where he’d just about exist when he wasn’t there.
James says jump, he jumps. Simple.
Pandora and Barty were disgraced when he told them that he was going to visit James’ parents, they said it was a mistake, that he’d only be upset. He’d just be bringing everything back, and of course they were right. But he liked this pretend life as it was.
So he pushed them away too.
He forget how they saved his life over and over again, he texts Sirius, telling him he’d like to get closer, and he was thrilled, he planned a whole day for them all.
Dinner at the Potter’s, a day where they could all catch up and enjoy time together.
Regulus was a greedy monster who ran into James’ parents arms and didn’t get a sense of guilt as they coo over him and congratulate him on his degree and house.
He sits at their table as James arrives with Harry, Lily at his side, he’s smiling at her. Hugging her and telling her she looks well, behind her back he’s got James’ tongue down his throat.
They’re not together. Lily is relatively clear about that when they’re talking after dinner, Harry bouncing on her lap.
It’s amazing how casual she is about it.
”James is a great dad, but I’m still very much happy co parenting.”
Regulus sits with it for a while. For some reason it’s strange. That she doesn’t have any desire to be with him. That she’s so modern and just so cool that she’s got everything in the world and just prettily smiles and laughs like she doesn’t.
He hates her because she doesn’t have a bad bone in her perfect body.
”You’ll have to marry one day,” Sirius jokes, “Can’t have my godson floating around england between visits.”
James gave him an apologetic smile, but Lily snorts, she kisses Harry and then rolls her eyes.
”Thank you Sirius, I assure you me and James did try that, but we’re happy. Separate beds, one little boy tying us together. We love each other but only in a very relatable way in the sense that we made something together.”
”God it sounds like you’re just co-workers,” Sirius says miserably.
Sirius adores the idea of Lily and James together. He always talks about it. Regulus can sit in the room and bear her there, just because she is so completely unaware of how happy he is to hear that she doesn’t want James.
Regulus feels no guilt that night, getting fucked by James in his childhood bedroom, knowing she was back home looking after their child.
She doesn’t want him.
So he’s mine.
It’s just now he has to share his affection.
It was all going stupidly well. Regulus was happy, he was visiting often, because it was easy, James was his friend first and it was easy to act that way in front of people.
He didn’t like to be around Lily, but he could stomach it.
Sirius wants him to move closer, and he does, the following Christmas he’s got a cottage just 20 minutes from James’ parents.
And Pandora knew then, when she visited and found out, she grimaced, “That’s sick.”
”How, they’re not even together!?”
”It’s sick because you’re living a lie. He isn’t yours! Don’t you feel guilty lying to everyone’s face!?”
Regulus shook his head. “It’s this or I don’t have anything.”
”You have me!” She says with tears in her big blue eyes. “You have Barty and me and we love you. But I can’t stand to see you back with someone so selfish, James should be ashamed he-“
”Say a word against him and you can leave.” Regulus snaps.
He had never spoken to anyone so poorly, especially not Pandora, she chokes on a sob, shaking her head and looking back at him as she leaves.
”He’ll ruin you.”
Let him.
I will let him.