Chapter 3
The best year of his life started at James’ parents house, his own parents were off in France on business and Sirius was off to wales with Remus, leaving Regulus alone in Oxford, and Mrs Potter wouldn’t let James ‘come home breathing’ if he didn’t take him with him.
So there he was, sat on the table with his family chatting about his plans after university.
“I’m quite into writing,” Regulus explains between bites of Euphemia’s famous sticky toffee pudding, “Nothing too serious, but I’d be pretty happy to move to the country and write.”
Fleamont gives him a grin, “Wise old man you are, son. An old soul.”
James laughed, snorting on his tea. “I thought you’d become a banker.”
”No,” Regulus muses, “My father wants me to become an accountant for their firm, but I’d rather not.”
Euphemia strokes the back of his head, kissing it softly, “Whatever you want baby, do absolutely everything you can to ensure it’s your life, no one else’s.”
He liked the way they cared for him, they were unforgivingly generous and loving. They called him son, and baby, it made him feel so special.
They stayed for the week, lazing around in the sun, going on walks together, laying by his pool.
They’d been eating peaches from the tree’s on the hottest day of the summer when James suddenly asked him a question.
His eyes closed where he was lay against Regulus’ skin, sticky with sweat. “I love this.”
”Likewise.” Regulus whispered. He had no idea how heavenly life could be. So easy.
“Would you really want that life?”
”Hm?”
”Alone… writing.”
Regulus opened his eyes and looked at him with a sigh. He had hurt his feelings. He hadn’t thought to include him, for obvious reasons, but of course his dream had him in it. However unrealistic.
”James,” He whispers, tilting his chin up. “There’s nothing to it. It’s a silly thing and my real dream is to just have you here and laugh for the rest of my life.”
It made him happy. James was smiling, his pearly teeth shining at him. “Good… because I certainly don’t think I like the idea of you becoming some sort of caveman.”
”Never.”
They moved into their flat soon after, with help from his parents, their little flat with two bedrooms and one bathroom was set up.
That first night they’d chainsmoked so many cigarettes the room was full of smoke, they’d laughed and talked about decorating with art of naked men, but decided eventually it was a little on the nose.
But Regulus had never and would never again feel the happiness. His whole life ahead of him, James stuck with him and a lifetime of love to give him.
They’d christened the flat that night, and many others. Long hard sex in the shower, handprints on the steamed glass. Slow and sensitive sex in the kitchen between stirs of pasta. The sofa was already half squished from James’ weight on his.
And the two bedrooms might as well have been one because they only ever stayed in James’ bed, with his linen sheets and lavender candles, they slept together every night, no questions whilst they brushed their teeth, just a simple smile, and Regulus was led to his bed.
He enjoyed sleeping in his arms, tucked up small and having his big arms swarming him, he liked to watch him sleep, to know he was his for now and no matter what happened he could look back at this time and smile knowing they were perfect.
When school started up again, he rushed home, denying Barty’s plea’s that they go out and get smashed, and instead jumping onto James on the sofa and laying with him watching bad movies and eating chinese food.
Of course it wasn’t all bliss.
James was lazy. James didn’t like to do his washing, or do the dishes meaning Regulus was feeling like a housewife most of the time.
”James!” Regulus muttered in frustration one Sunday evening, looking at his pile of socks stuffed under his bed.
“What?” He calls from the kitchen.
”Come here now!”
He walks in and frowns, Regulus points to the pile and looks at him seriously. He hated how many bastard socks he had. “Seriously? You’re 21 and you’re hiding your washing?”
James scratches his head and winces. “Figured I’d get around to it.”
”It smells like it.”
”Hey! They don’t smell,” He picks up the pile and then grimaces. “Okay they do, I’m sorry.”
Regulus laughs a little unable to help himself, punching his shoulder lightly. “I catch you doing that again and I’ll throw them away.”
James kissed him quickly, a matching smile on his lips. “Sorry love, I’ll be better.”
He was back on track at university, Regulus alonside his tutor helped James get back to a high grade and Regulus made sure when he had free time to help him with his work.
Sometimes that was difficult because James was incredibly restless when it came to sitting and doing work. He’d spin around on his chair, throwing things at the wall and playing catch with pens.
Regulus would sit on his lap, forcing him to be still as he quietly typed for him as James gave him prompting answers.
”Reg,” James would whisper in his ear, “When you’re on me like this, I can’t concentrate on anything but fucking you into the wall.”
And as hard as it was, Regulus would smack him away and insist that he write something down first.
”1 page of work and I’ll give you a blowjob”.
James was an incredible worker then, typing furiously and taking no breaks, just to hear him turn around, with a huge grin plastered on his face.
Regulus would roll his eyes and check it over, to ensure it wasn’t nonsense, and drop to his knees, giving him what he wanted.
They were caught at Christmas, it was a reckless thing they did, going out to the club, with James sober and Regulus a little tipsy, he was usually the one ensuring things were safe.
But they were having so much fun, dancing and snogging, touching each other because they always did.
”Oh my god.” He heard behind him.
Regulus froze, James’ hands slipping off his hips, he turned and smiled uneasily at Barty stood with his mouth agape, Pandora on his arm with a smile.
”Shit.” Regulus whispers.
James laughed nervously. “I’m suddenly really in the need for a piss, so I’m… bye!”
He watches him walk to the bathroom and thinks of something to say. Some excuse. Some reason that they were snogging and dirty dancing. But 2 bottles of wine down, he was struggling to find anything to say.
”Told you so,” Pandora whistles, “You owe me a lot of drinks.”
Barty shakes his head in disbelief. “James Potter!?”
”Erm,” Regulus scratches his head. He hates feeling caught. It reminds him of being young. “Well… it’s not like… don’t tell anyone.”
”You’re gay!?”
”No.”
”You look gay!”
Regulus punches him in the stomach, looking around and shaking his head. “Will you shut up! I’m not anything, I know this is shocking or whatever, but I am not answering any questions.”
”You look happy,” Pandora says, kissing his cheek. “I love seeing you happy.”
They were fine about it, eventually, once James came back and won them over with his jokes and easy casual conversation, they understood. They didn’t know much but enough. And they vowed not to tell anyone.
He trusted them.
It was new years when Regulus had his taste of what it would be like to feel James’ love. He had felt his passion. His affection. His heart.
But on new years eve, sat in a pub with Sirius, Remus and Barty and Pandora, the clock ticking down and James happily still drinking his lime and soda as everyone became rowdy.
He felt his hand on his under the table, rubbing circles as Sirius and Barty butted heads over the invention of new years, which no one cared for except them.
Regulus met his eyes, his soft brown eyes he’s stared into countless times, except this time he noticed a little something different, a glaze over them.
“I love you.” James mouthed.
And he felt everything all at once just rushing to his head. The wine. His skin on his. Those words. He felt those words like ambrosia to his wretched blackened soul.
They poured over him like warm honey until he was completely numb. He had never wanted to make the world dissolve more than in that moment.
The countdown began and they stood, James close at his side, their fingers laced behind their back.
And on 1 James snuck him a soft kiss, and Regulus was finally able to tell him.
”I love you, James.”
After 5 years of pining and sadness. He could look him in the eyes and say it without shame or embarrassment. Knowing he felt the same.
The night was a blur after that, they got home, quietly walking back from the pub, skipping the club and deciding it would be much more fun to just sit and exists with this new word between them.
They tucked into bed, the tv on low and the candles lit, a cigarette between them and a silence that would have usually scared him, but he knew it was a new step.
They loved each other.
”Hey,” James whisper finally came breaking the silence, “Just because I don’t drink anymore doesn’t mean you can’t go out.”
”I know… I just don’t want to.”
”How come?”
Regulus tucked closer under his arm, shrugging with a smile, leaning up and kissing him. “Because I’d rather be here with you.”
”Smooth work Reg, I’m actually blushing.”
”You humour me.”
”By the way, thank you for being my new years kiss.” James murmured, nuzzling his lips into his neck.
”S’okay,” He whispered back, leaning his head back. “My pleasure.”
”And I do love you, in case you were thinking I just said it because it was new year, I love you… just because.”
Regulus closed his eyes and nodded quickly. “I know… I love you too, James.”
James kisses him and title his chin to look at him, he flashes a smile and sighs. “Guess we’re in love.”
”I guess so.”
They both laughed, spending the night tucked in and kissing lazily, hands on each others and a million prisoners in his soul let loose into the oblivion. Nothing else mattered as long as he had him.
Things as far as Regulus was concerned were pretty great after that. They were closer than they were before which he didn’t think was possible at all.
They slipped into a mundane routine, uni daily, walking together to class, coffee on their break, chat about what to have for dinner or if they should visit Sirius, which was usually the idea as they were concerned about how much time he was spending indoors with Remus.
They’d go home after university and cook dinner together, share cigarettes and watch movies, do some work and then shower either together or after each other, settle into bed and make soft love.
Unfortunately for Regulus on a library trip alone, he ran into the girl he’d pushed right back into his mind.
Lily.
Lily Evans.
5’3 inches of gorgeous red hair and ivory skin, green eyes that shone like emeralds and a smile so bright it made him feel like a moth.
”Sorry!” She smiles, she’d dropped her books in front of him, bending over to grab them and as she stands he gets a whiff of her perfume.
”S’fine.” He says carefully.
He hadn’t seen her before. But he knew it was her. The way Sirius described her was right. She was absolutely beautiful.
”You’re Regulus, right? Sirius’ little brother.”
Regulus nods, twisting his ring on his finger nervously. He hadn’t ever felt so small.
Lily smiles widely and hugs him, he feels her breasts squish into his chest and he frowns.
He felt all the inadequacy in the world weighing on his body.
”You’re gorgeous! You live with James don’t you?”
”Yes.”
”How is he? Not seen him in ages.”
Good. Perhaps I’ll gouge your eyes out so you may not see him again?
“He’s good, really happy… up to lots, not much time to spare.” He replies pretty coldly.
But she just smiles, “Great, give him my regards… lovely to meet you.”
”Likewise.” He whispers, watching her walk away, her skirt swishing at her rounded hips.
He didn’t give James her regards. In fact he actually was annoyed at James. Fair enough he had sex with her, she was beautiful, but now Regulus’ entire existence was now ruined because he would compare himself to her for the rest of his life.
They’d made it their first year of living together and everything was seemingly bliss. They were happy, they were still constantly together, still in love, still having amazing sex.
But he noticed his anxiety when he was talking about his graduation, what he’d do after, he didn’t want to get a full time job.
Of course he wouldn’t have to if he kept with Regulus and his trust fund, he’d never have to work.
”I don’t want you to think I’m leeching off you, because I’m not.” James said with his diploma laid out in front of him and not an ounce of pride to go with it.
He had saw his brother and James graduate, he was endlessly proud of them and he didn’t understand why James didn’t seem to want to talk about it.
”I know.”
”No you don’t, you’re too casual about money… I know you have loads and I appreciate that you’ve paid both of our rents this whole year… but I’m starting to feel guilty.”
Regulus frowned in confusion, sitting beside him and massaging his neck. “Hey, don’t worry, you should be happy, you finished university, you’ve got a degree from oxford and you’re gorgeous, young… really funny.”
James side eyes him and smirks. “Wow, that was poetic.”
”C’mon, it’s summer, I want to fly you to France and eat pastries off your naked body, not think about bloody jobs.”
”Your mum was throwing me major evils the other week, I think she’s sussed something out.”
”Don’t care, she can tell me to do anything but for her to even suggest anything about you, I’d just laugh.”
She can have anything from him. But not James.
”I love you, just super stressed about my future.”
”I know, James.” He whispers, kissing his ears and holding his hands in his. “But I’ve got you.”
”You got me.”
That summer in France, with them hopping between hotels, eating pastries and teaching James the language, he’d started to get a bad feeling in his stomach. Something was wrong. He didn’t know what. He really didn’t.
It was just a dull scratch in his chest, something tearing that he wasn’t sure how to prevent.
They seemed fine. Really fine. But it was just a slight change in his body. Something that was telling him to be cautious. But he ignored it.
James was tanned, gorgeous, slightly tired maybe. Glued to his phone as he texted Sirius about this and that. Sirius was very happy, he and Remus had moved to wales, he’d rented a flat there and James and Regulus were pleased, they’d miss him but this was life progressing.
You fall in love. You move. Life changes pretty quickly.
After France, back in Oxford and his last year impending, he was troubled by James’ decision to start drinking again. It started small, harmless if anything.
Regulus was enjoying a glass of wine by the television, James sprawled across his lap, his eyes on his glass.
”Can I have a glass?”
It had been a long time since he drank and he didn’t seem to miss it, but Regulus had stupidly forgotten how bad it actually was back then.
So he poured him one.
And another.
And then the old James, the guy who was the life of the party and the most popular person in the room, was back. He was back at the pub when he could be, with class mates from last year, coming back to Regulus stinking and giddy.
He didn’t mind at first.
Until he started to come back later and later, he started looking wrong, tasting wrong. Smelling wrong.
They had their first big fight after he came back and Regulus could smell perfume on him.
It had fallen apart so quickly and he hated himself for pouring him that first glass. Because drinking would ruin everything for them, always.
”Where were you, it’s 4am?” Regulus asks, staring at him stumbling into his bed.
”Pub, Frank’s birthday.”
”You smell disgusting.”
James smiled drunkly, “Shh, buzzkill.”
”James I’m sorry but I think you need to stop drinking, one glass of wine is fine but you clearly don’t know how to stop.”
He turned pretty nasty then, his lips curling down. “I can stop whenever I like.”
”Clearly that’s why you’ve been out nearly every night this week smelling like perfume and sweat.”
James shrugged, wordlessly climbing into bed beside him. “Shut up, yeah? Got a headache and your voice is driving me insane.”
Regulus didn’t sleep that night, with James passed out beside him and his phone stuffed under the pillow, he knew something was wrong.
Worst of all he didn’t want to look through his phone, because he knew, deep inside some dark place he knew what he was doing.
It was all confirmed near christmas, they had stopped laughing, stopped having sex and stopped sleeping beside each other.
He had pulled away.
Regulus felt the pain of his absence despite being close to him. He felt his heart beating for one that had skipped a few steps back.
”Who is it?” Regulus asked, a night where James wasn’t drunk, just making dinner in silence.
He hadn’t slept properly in weeks and he was miserable. Utterly and pathetically miserable. There was only so much he could take. James loved him. But he couldn’t be the other woman, he just couldn’t.
“What?” James muttered.
”You’re sleeping with someone else… seeing someone else… who is it.”
”I’m not.”
”Do me a favour James,” He breathes in, trying to keep his composure, really he wanted to bawl, to beg him to stop. “Don’t lie to my face. The truth hurts once, a lie hurts a thousand fucking times worse.”
James looked at him, his eyes dark, no smile or cheekiness. Not him. “Does it matter?”
Does it matter? He almost wept.
The confirmation was cold. He hadn’t ever thought James could be that way.
Regulus turned away from him, blinking tears down his cheeks as he bit his knuckles to stop the noise.
He hadn’t understood then, how bad things would get from there.
The insecurity. The sleepless nights. The pain. The feeling of his soul slipping away.
Regulus celebrated Christmas with his parents that year, wanting to be away from him, he was so depressed he felt better being back in his old house. Being pestered about Sirius, his degree and everything else he’s neglected since finding out about James’ infidelity.
If he could call it that.
They weren’t a couple. Again. The issue of a label made him feel stupid for caring. As if having sex with someone else was the issue. James was cold. And that wasn’t him. That wasn’t the boy who had taught him everything at 15, or kissed his forehead, or did anything this horrible James did.
This James liked to drink, and Regulus only had himself to blame.
He sat there on Christmas day, crying silently as his phone rang, James’ name flashing across the screen. He wanted to ignore him. He was scared he was calling to say he’d move out. That he hated him.
He answered anyway.
”Hello.” He whispered, if he spoke any louder than a whisper he’d sob.
”Baby,” James whispers down the line, “I fucked up, I’m so so sorry! I need to stop drinking, I’m so fucked up… please come home baby I need you.”
That would be the second time he would forgive James for a mistake. Not the last. Perhaps it was the fact that without James Regulus’ life was completely utterly meaningless.
He could be the other woman. If it meant he had him. He could forgive him.
So he went back, on boxing day, opening his door to the table set and a boquet of flowers in a vase, a cigarette and an alcohol free wine. James stood with a sad smile and a present in his hands.
”Hi baby.” He whispered.
Regulus smiled but the tears came, he hated crying, especially in front of James, he stumbled into his arms and James shushed him, he apologised so beautifully.
He swore never again. It meant nothing. He loves him. He can’t live without him. It was only once, no twice, a few times.
Maybe he meant it.
”Please don’t do this to me, James.”
”I know, I’m sorry, I’m back at alcohol anonymous and I’m going to be better, the drink it just… it just fucks with me.”
”I know.”
“Here,” James thrust the gift into his hands and smiled. “Picked it out awhile back.”
Regulus took a few deep breaths before he sat beside him, peeling open the paper and opening the box.
It was another ring.
“This one’s a little different, although I know you like this one,” James’ trembling hands took it from the box and placed it on his ring finger on his left hand. “This is a promise, that no matter what. I am yours.”
He believed him. A small smile on his trembling lips as he admired the silver band, James kissed him, he kissed him back and it was forgotten.
And he did believe him, he lived in paranoia each time he left the house for any reason, but after a month of no drinking and no pub trips, Regulus convinced himself it really was the drink.
People did bad things when they drank. Some people couldn’t handle their drink.
As long as James didn’t drink, they’d be fine.
He got back into his classes, met with Pandora and Barty who were worried about him but he could smile genuinely now, because it was all fine.
James wanted to go on a trip soon, feeling restless in Oxford with no job he was pretty much just sitting around and watching television all day.
Regulus didn’t mind.
“Maybe… Italy?” James suggested, flicking on his phone at locations.
”I heard Créma is lovely,” Regulus replied, “When though? I graduate June and I’ve got my exams in April.”
James hummed and then smiled. “Well let’s go after that then, as a celebration.”
”I like that.”
Regulus booked it that day, smiling as him and James chose a hotel, the very best, because he deserved it.
”Ugh I love you!” James kissed his cheek that night. “You’re so good to me.”
“You deserve it, I love you and I like you happy, especially happy in the sun, it’s very becoming of you.”
James started attacking him with kisses, all over his face and neck, Regulus was laughing loudly, his body relaxing into his touch.
He was so happy.
Once he’d finished his final exam in may, he was desperately excited to see James, he threw his books back at the library and met Barty and Pandora for a celebratory dinner and drink, slightly giddy when he got home.
But when he got home, expecting James to be sat down where he usually was, he was stood, staring out the window at the April evening sun.
”You alright?”
James turned, his eyes were red raw and he looked awful. Regulus looked for a bottle. He drank?
”Are you drunk?” He asks fear rising in his voice.
”Sit down.”
Regulus clutches his chest and feels something knot, he starts to breathe deeper and he sits, James sits beside him and he sobs it out.
”She’s pregnant.”
”Who?” He asked. But he knew. He knew.
”Lily, she’s pregnant… it’s mine.” James whispered through a strangled cry.
He smiled at the ceiling as tears rolled down his face. There it was. This was how he lost him. Not just to her, but to something he could never give him. A baby.
”How long?” Regulus says emotionlessly. He wished he could die. He wishes he could drop dead before this conversation so he could die peacefully.
He was going to be haunted by this for the rest of his life.
“She’s due in July.”
Regulus laughed, manically, he stood up and laughed. He laughed and laughed until he was sobbing, clutching his chest as James sat on the sofa with his head in his hands.
3 months.
He had been loyal, but James’ past came back and now he had lost him. He wouldn’t ever be his in this way again. Not ever.
“Congratulations James… you’ll be a great father.” He chokes. “But I fucking hate you.”
He left. He left all his things and everything, he went to Barty’s flat and banged the door down.
He fell to the floor, sobbing, Pandora was there after a quiet phone-call after Regulus had explained.
She held him tightly and didn’t let him check his phone that was incessantly ringing.
“The fucking bastard!” He heard Barty say to Pandora when the sun had set. “A baby at 21?! Is he fucking mentally deficient?”
”It probably wasn’t his choice, I’m sure Lily wasn’t happy, but… things happen.”
“I hate him… how could he do that to him? Regulus kept their fucking secret, lived a lie with him and now James gets to be a dad!?”
Regulus covered his ears, he wept silently on the sofa, staining his cheeks and smiling as he felt all the happiness he had felt in the past few years be snatched under him like a rug.