Chapter 2
It was a mysterious thing to have a soul. Something binding to your body, like your heart hidden behind your ribs, you know it’s there despite the fact you can’t see it, you can feel it, at times.
When you’re scared. Nervous. Happy. It beats, fluttering like a butterfly behind your chest.
It was unsettling to think of your soul in a human form. Regulus figured his would be some dark creature, made of not flesh, but something entirely different, black wool that looks like bark, a rough scaly thing that would probably scare children, something of nightmares.
That was until he had fallen in love. Then he figured his soul can’t be so bad. At least something that could be viewed as not terrifying at least. Because to love, your soul has to have some beauty in it, at least that’s what Regulus told himself.
Him and James were both aware something happened to them after that second night together. The first time he had felt it was when he had given him his ring. But when they were watching the movie with a little knowledge on their feelings towards what happened, a small passing glance confirmed something.
That was not just a casual moment.
When it started happening frequently from that night was the real telling realisation. James had and could have anyone he wanted, he could go into a pub and smile and girls would drop their knickers for him.
But when he’d come over, smelling like booze and cigarettes, his eyes crowded with dark circles, grasping onto Regulus like he was his lifeline.
Regulus decided that whatever his soul was made out of, it would absolutely have James Potters scratch marks all over it’s exterior.
He loved him so desperately he didn’t mind sneaking around with him. He felt no guilt when Sirius would question what he had been up to last night whilst he was out. He’d smile and say not much, just work.
James became gentler as the days passed, the first few times were so intense and rushed, very little eye contact and marks on his skin were visible from how hard he’d been clutched. But as classes started and Regulus found himself unfortunately quite enjoying his life here, James became softer.
He felt grown up, accomplished, not the scared boy he was once. He was changed.
Regulus had made a friend too. Which he would tell James about one night, between a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarette’s, tucked under his sheets.
”A friend, I don’t believe you,” James whispered, exhaling the smoke from his bruised lips. “What are they like?”
He takes the cigarette from his lips and sucks on it, grimacing before coughing, “He’s moody, withdrawn and socially awkward… he’s a real cunt, I like him.”
His name was Barty. He had messy hair and green eyes, permanent bags under his eyes and a crude mouth. Regulus had been sat beside him in a lecture and overheard him telling someone who was constantly interrupting the lecture, ‘to shut their twatty mouth before he started screaming in their ear’.
Regulus decided relatively quickly that he liked him. So he approached him after class, complimented his pen, told him he thought his hair was really stupid and he appreciated his words.
They had been sat beside each other throwing remarks ever since. It was like a devil on his shoulder, his worst thoughts vocalised at all times. He liked him because he was so utterly himself, he told you exactly what he thought and Regulus appreciated that more than he could realise.
”Hm,” James laughs, “Well congratulations on your friend.”
”Thanks,” Regulus brushes a hair from his face and swigs the wine on his bedside table. “You staying?”
”Yeah… do you mind?”
”No, Sirius is barely here recently. Not sure why he doesn’t bring that guy here, it’s definitely more spacious than wherever he lives.”
James gave him a disapproving look, “Classist.”
”No, just an assumption.”
It was pretty difficult not to get ahead of himself over James. They now not only had frequent sex, sometimes multiple times a day, he was also sleeping in his bed when Sirius was away. It was personal. More personal than being bent over, which he realised was ridiculous.
Neither of them really addressed what they were doing until 2 months in to the semester.
James was laid between his thighs, staring at the ceiling an unlit cigarette between his lips. They’d just gotten back from the pub, buzzed slightly and instead of having sex as usual, they were just lying there.
”Do you think Sirius would be angry if we told him?”
Regulus had only briefly considered the idea, partly because there wasn’t much to tell, what did it matter to Sirius, what would he say? He would just know they were having sex and that seemed just uncomfortable for everyone.
”I don’t know.”
“I’ve just been thinking… like, we’re adults right. And we’re constantly doing this and I feel like it would be worse to be caught than to just tell him.”
Regulus lights his cigarette for him and sighs heavily, closing his eyes as he lays his head back. “Tell him what exactly?”
”That we’re…” He trails off into a silence and they both realise very quickly there really was nothing appropriate to say about what they were doing.
”We’re what? Having sex… why would he want to know, I wouldn’t want to know. Unless we’re to be married in the near future I think we’re fine as is.” Regulus jokes, opening his eyes and looking at James’ pained face.
”I’m not leading you on, I’m aware that you’re probably not interested in me besides this-“
”I never said that, so don’t assume that.”
James turns onto his stomach and raises a brow, a smirk on his lips. “You don’t want to be in a relationship with me, do you?”
The way he said it made Regulus look and sound stupid. Even if he was lying. He puts his pride before his vulnerability. He knew it would be stupid to start professing love.
”No… but I’d prefer to stop if you started seeing someone else.”
”So, a loyal friend’s with benefits?”
”No you’re my friend and we have sex, and I don’t sleep with anyone else, clearly or I’d definitely choose someone without a filthy smoking and drinking habit.”
James rolls his eyes, leaning up and kissing him softly. “Thought you liked me and rough and ready.”
”I like you when you’re quiet and… beautifully lay between my thighs, blabbering away.” Regulus murmurs, taking the cigarette and taking a breath before placing it back between his lips.
“You know when I like you best?”
Regulus meets his eyes and cocks his head.
”When you’re on your knees begging me to go deeper.”
He couldn’t bear it when he teased him. Whispering rude things in his ear when they were with Sirius. Direct eye contact and a tongue in his cheek now was no different, he was hopelessly attracted to him.
And James knew it.
They were quickly wrapped up in their own heads about the whole thing, James would never mention anything to do with progressing their relationship and Regulus would not ask again, for a long time at least.
It was well enough for him to be his secret. Besides, he wasn’t always a secret, in clubs when Sirius was elsewhere, his hands would find his hips and he would lean his head back against his chest, knowing a little of the world had some blurry evidence of them.
Of course it wasn’t always bliss.
There were fights. A lot of fights, specifically after Christmas, a few vodka cokes and James was at his door, banging and yelling to be let in, which he usually would answer, but he’d had his headphones in, reading peacefully to himself.
So James assaulted his door in his drunken state until his phone (which he got for christmas, for his sins) was vibrating incessantly on his table, he fiddled around with it and realised James was calling.
”Let me in.” He mumbles darkly.
”Coming.”
When he opens the door the first thing he notices is how terrible he looks. His skins dull and his eyes are practically purple from lack of sleep, he stinks of booze and his shirts stained with vomit.
Regulus is pushed back as he bursts through, still yelling about nonsense.
”You never even- Heard me!”
”Yes I was reading.” Regulus whispers to himself.
James is downing his gin on the counter when Regulus feels disgust rising, he snatches it off him and looks at the stranger before him.
”What the hell James?”
”What?” He spits, his eyes lulling.
”You’re a mess, what have you been doing?”
James sways where he’s stood, his eyes are flooding with tears and he starts sinking to his feet.
”I can’t stop.”
”Stop what?” Regulus says, crouching before him and wiping at his head where’s got a graze.
”Drinking… I can’t stop drinking. I can’t stop fucking up!”
”You’re not fucking up,” He told him gently.
Despite his state now, it wasn’t his first time noticing his lack of control with drink, he drank a lot, but Regulus had grown rather fond of the affection he got when he was drunk.
That was a selfish mistake he had made. He didn’t realise what a normal amount of drinking was. If he did, he’d have known immediately he had a problem.
James looks up at him, his eyes wet and his lip bleeding. “Something’s really wrong.”
”What? Tell me, I’ll fix it.”
“I’m just lost.”
Regulus couldn’t fix that. He sat before him and held his hand and listened as James told him through deep breaths of his pain and his money problems, his lack of sleep, his constant drinking.
He was failing as-well. He had missed half his lectures and seminars, he scored a 34 on his last assignment. It was bad.
But he figured he could help. He ran him a bath, he sat at his side, made him tea and cleaned his cuts.
It broke his heart. Partly because of how selfish he’d been with him, he let him become lazy. He let him get drunk. He never denied him a drink. Never suggested he stop spending his little money on the pub. Regulus had neglected everything other than their time together, and he vowed to never be so selfish again.
The first thing he did was tell Sirius, he explained the money and the drink, he cautiously avoided the topic of their time together and asked him for advice.
Because he had no idea what to do.
”His dad was an alcoholic, you know?”
”No… what is that like an inherited gene?”
Sirius shook his head, looking to the sofa where James was sleeping, with his head resting on Regulus’ pile of clean laundry.
”I mean… he knows, at least. God I thought it had to do with that girl he was seeing.”
Regulus had felt a clean blow to his stomach as soon as the words left his mouth. A girl.
“What girl?” He has tried to sound nonchalant but there was a slight stabbing in his heart in each syllable.
Sirius shrugs, sniffing and side eyeing the sofa. “Lily, met her awhile back, they’d been casually meeting up all of last year and she’s great and all but she has no interest in being tied down, she told him they can shag but to leave her out of anything else.”
It had been a while since he felt that darkness, that all too familiar anger in his blood. The worst thoughts entering his head.
”Is he… still seeing her?”
”Course he is, he’s bloody obsessed with her, surprised he hasn’t told you about it. He was with her last night and they’d had a row.”
Regulus finds the strength to keep himself stood up, but the anger is there, it claws at his face and his loins. He had never felt so angry at so many people in his life.
So pathetic.
He’d been drowning his sorrows and coming to Regulus to patch him back up. The irony wasn’t lost on him. And as James awoke that day he felt a sickness so deep, he couldn’t bear to look at him.
Sirius and him were sat with him, staring ahead as he listened to James explain his thoughts on stopping drinking.
”She’s fucking with your head! God James, how many times does someone have to tell you they don’t want you to realise, they’re probably not lying.”
Regulus felt the air change, James was no doubt staring at him, he knew he had found out now. Regulus kept his eyes trained ahead and let the anger come in, he let it fill his bones and he sat with it.
He sat with it all night.
He didn’t move off that sofa until Sirius had gone to the shop and James and him were alone and his hand was reaching for him, Regulus slapped him away, he got up, slammed his door and locked it.
And he cried.
He cried and cried.
Of course he wasn’t the only one. Of course he had never asked him about it. Of course he didn’t see the signs. Of course he was fucking devastated. Not because she now existed in his mind. But that fact she didn’t even want James! She didn’t care about it. She had no idea how badly Regulus had yearned for him, how disgustingly loyal he was to James. Because he was just a boy to her.
And god did he hate her for having everything he didn’t have.
There was a long time of anger, where he’d only talk to Barty and they’d go out, they’d drink and they’d start an unfortunate affair where they’d begin doing drugs.
Because losing himself in James wasn’t an option, he snorted his way to oblivion and felt a lot better for it.
Regulus didn’t speak to James. He threw his phone away and stuck close by Barty’s side. Barty was easy.
They’d go to the same club every other day and they’d sit through their highs and slowly they’d both smile and they could forget everything for a little bit.
He didn’t know much about Barty’s troubles, only it involved a dead mother and a slightly more evil father than his own.
There was one night, where things got a little out of hand, they’d tried something new, stumbling out the toilets and staring at their reflection in the bathroom mirror.
He remembers thinking how terrible his reflection looked, and how much better it looked when it was warped and blurry.
”Pandora’s here.” Regulus notices, spotting her sat alone at the bar.
She was Barty’s wife for all purposes, except he hadn’t ever actually spoken to her and they both just enjoyed watching her. She was devastatingly beautiful. With white blonde hair that met her hips, wide blue eyes and always sporting a silky dress in pink or blue. If you were to ask either of them to describe their perfect girl, they’d both say her.
Pandora was so beautiful because she didn’t know it. She didn’t enjoy talking to strangers, she liked to dance alone and drank fruity cocktails, she was also weird, but in a ‘hot’ way as Barty would often say.
”Shall we go over?” Barty says, obviously that line had given him some confidence because he usually just stared her out.
”Both of us?”
”Sure.”
”Alright.”
They made their way over and she smiled, she moved over without a word from either of them and she sighed, like she was relieved to see them.
”Hello,” Regulus begins, as no one had yet made the slightest attempt at conversation. “I’m Regulus, this is Barty.”
”Hello, Regulus, Hello Barty.”
Barty’s smile was ridiculous, he was practically beaming as she shook their hands.
”I haven’t seen two sad people so… unusually close.” She said, looking at them both with a smile.
It was hard to know what she meant, maybe they did look sad. They were here all the time at the minute and he certainly didn’t want to go home anytime soon.
Home just meant a depressing double bed with no warmth.
”We’re not that sad,” Barty assured her, “Troubled souls and such, we saw you and thought you look happy, we should steal her happiness and keep it.”
Pandora giggled, she was achingly beautiful sat there, so young and happy, her hands held both of theirs as she told them about her secrets of life.
And weirdly, perhaps it was the drugs. But him and Barty held her heavily ringed hand back and clung onto every word she said.
She told them about their horoscopes, their charts and their birthstones, she whispered that she was psychic and they’d both just thought it was brilliant, grinning at her and feeling a strange sensation of warmth from her.
He had never met someone so beautifully pure, not for a long time at least.
”Shall we go get tea?” She asked them after finally deciding she’d shared pretty much all of her secrets.
”Sure.”
Regulus and Barty held each of her hands and they walked to his flat, he let them in and they drank tea on his sofa and thanked god Sirius wasn’t here to see how bizarre this was.
”Are you in love Regulus?” Pandora had asked when the sun was rising, their heads resting on her shoulder.
”No.”
”Are you lying?”
”Yes.”
She sighs a little and looks at him, a knowing smile on her lips. “I can see it in your eyes.”
”Can you?” He whispers, blinking and trying to think if he could see it himself. But he can’t.
Barty peers over and nods, as if he had a clue. “Totally.”
”I saw you on our first day, your eyes were brighter, it might be that stuff you’re putting up your nose, but your eyes are a little less sparkled.”
He didn’t tell her about James, the way she squeezed his hand and smiled made it seem like she just understood.
They fell asleep together that night, waking up to the birds and the sun shining through the windows.
He looked at Barty sleeping with his arm around Pandora and felt happy that however strange the night was, he had gotten at least to touch the girl he fancied.
After that night it was as if they were inseparable, no class, no study, no library session was alone, where you’d find one of them, they’d all be shortly behind one and other.
It helped.
Considering his only friend James was now absolutely not joining him in these things. Yet despite them, and their friendship. He missed James. He missed everything.
He missed getting touched. He missed kissing him. He missed his body in bed. His laugh. His heart beating below his head.
He had avoided him so much when he came home one day to find him and Sirius watching television, he almost fainted.
”Hey Reg,” Sirius mutters casually as he types on his phone. “Sit, we’re about to order food.”
Regulus looked at James’ eyes, the guilt in them. He looked himself again. He was clean off alcohol for a month now. He was keeping track as sad as it was. He was tidy. Beautiful. The James he fell for.
”Hey.” James said softly.
”I’m not hungry.”
”Sit anyway.” James urged, you could tell he wanted to talk to him, to say anything.
And he did. Because he was young, he was stupid and he knew that avoiding him was just shooing the pain away until it was back.
Regulus sat and listened to James explain his sobriety, his new job at the sports centre and that his grades were being improved greatly from a tutor Sirius had paid for.
”That’s great, good to see you yourself again.” Regulus says coldly.
“Jeez Reg,” Sirius says looking over at him, “I’ve heard more sincerity in my farts.”
James smiled sadly. “Nah it’s alright, I’ve been a real dickhead to you both these last few months and I’m sorry, I promise to make it up to you.”
He doesn’t think he can.
But that night, when Sirius went to bed and it was James and Regulus sat down with a pack of cigarettes and bad television on, it was just all so pointless. The month of ignoring and avoiding. Because one look of those big brown eyes and nervous smile and Regulus internally sighed. His heart sank and his eyes met his.
”Hey,” James whispered, like they hadn’t been here for hours and now it was them again. “I’d really love to talk to you.”
Regulus shook his head. “I don’t want to talk.”
”Alright… do you want to… go on a walk?”
”No.”
”Reg,” He pleads. “Please… let me explain myself.”
Regulus laughs and shakes his head. “We weren’t together, figured I should be owed the courtesy to know, just to avoid sexual diseases and such if you’re going to be go around and sleep with the riffraff.”
It was cruel, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care at all if it hurt his feelings or hers. He made a vow to not protect anyone’s feelings but his own.
“I got tested, I’m clean.”
”Wow Potter, good for you!” Regulus says in false enthusiasm. “Glad you’re back to your usual self.”
James frowned and touched his hand, he felt like he was electrocuted, Regulus stiffened, his eyes flying to his and realising he has no power when he’s touching him.
He’s 18 again, his hands on his thighs as his eyes search into his.
Regulus was back in his lap, straddling him and letting out all his anger into his mouth as James roughly fisted at his hair.
It was the first time James would get his way with him, but not the last.
They were back in his bed in minutes, their clothes ripped and piled on the floor, Regulus on his lap, riding James as he scratched down his back.
”I can’t stop this,” James whispered in his ear, digging into him so deep Regulus gasped. “I need this.”
He needs this.
Regulus nodded feverishly, forgetting it all, because thats what James does. He takes the bad. Regardless if he was the bad.
He hadn’t forgotten how to pleasure him, as Regulus’ mouth cried into James’ palm he had forgotten how incredible it was.
How big he was, how his muscled arms flipped and pinned him to his liking, like Regulus was his willing toy. James and his dirty whispers about how he felt, how unforgivingly good he was at it all.
Regulus ended the whole thing with his body upside down off the bed, his head resting on the floor as James destroyed the last of his self control.
A dirty smile and Regulus was once again in his arms, his head on his chest and a warm hand resting on his back as he clutched to him.
He would be sorry tomorrow. Tomorrow him could deal with this.
Because rinsed in pleasure and having James look at him like he was something so special and beautiful, he could only lay back and smile.
”You’re beautiful Reg.”
”Stop it, James.”
”I’m serious,” He whispers, tickling his fingers down his sternum. “You’re so sexy, sometimes I look at you and I could cum just looking at your face.”
He’s blushing, covering his face and laughing softly, childish and naive. “You’re so crude.”
James kisses him softly, nodding, “And you’re mine, alright?”
”Alright.”
That was the start of the good months, the good year if he knew any better. It was like last time, but different, more romantic, James knew he was hurt, and god did he make it up to him.
Whether it was flowers delivered to his door with notes, that had Sirius suspicious of a secret lover, he had assumed it was Pandora, given they were always together he thought they were a ‘thing’.
James wrote him notes, slipped it in his pockets in the pub, with a lime soda infront of him, a smile on his lips as he massaged his back away from eyes.
Cigarettes in the park whilst they spoke about what they wanted out of life. That was one of his best days.
”I don’t think I want children,” James had said wistfully, “I think they’re a real pain.”
Regulus had grinned, shook his head at the thought of the most fatherly man not having children, it would be a dire waste.
”You must, James. I need to see generations of your bad hair and camaraderie.”
“Well unfortunately, unless you’re hiding a womb inside that fantastic arse of yours, I’m not having any.”
It was exciting to hear him suggest some kind of future, it made Regulus feel important, like although he had betrayed him with a woman, he still wanted him despite the fact he unfortunately lacked the things women had.
They were all planning to move in with each other, or well that was the plan. Until Regulus and James were sat watching movies one night when Sirius walked in with his boyfriend.
And he had understood pretty quickly what this now meant. He shook his hand, looked into his kind eyes and firm grip, the smile lines on his eyes.
Remus Lupin was gorgeous and definitely not his casual partner.
James liked him, so did Regulus, he was quiet, easy but had a dark sense of humour that they all appreciated.
And when the topic of moving in with eachother came up, Sirius had told Regulus in private that he wanted to live with Remus, alone, and he was cutting contact with their parents.
It wasn’t a surprise. Mother had visited a few times and each time Sirius made it his mission to disappear for her whole stay.
It was daunting though, knowing Regulus had to bear the brunt of their frustrations about Sirius onto him, they’d been furious, calling Regulus who could only apologise and insist Sirius would be back in no time, which he knew was a lie.
Seeing how happy he was in Oxford, with a boyfriend and countless friends, a future ahead of him, why on earth would he convince him to go back?
That was when James came over, a box of chocolates and alcohol free wine, a gorgeous smile and an expression on his face that he’d never seen before.
He was nervous.
”So I erm, wanted to ask you something.”
Regulus sucked the chocolate from his fingers and anxiously looked at him. He expected the worst, always has, always will.
James nervously laughs and then sighs. “Would you wanna live with me? Just us… you know since Sirius isn’t wanting us around, I figured it made sense.”
Regulus remembers the warmth of fire beating alongside his heart, his eyes closing and a smile crowding his blushing face.
Yes, he thought. Yes.
“I suppose if I absolutely must.”
He’d heard the expression ‘making love’ a few times, but that night, with chocolate tongues and blushed cheeks, he got to experience it.
There was no rushing, no violence or speed, he was laid down beneath him as James held his face and softly fucked him. With hot kisses and whispers of promises of how much fun they’ll have.
And he had almost cried when he came, with James’ head in the crook of his neck, losing himself and swearing incoherently in his ear, Regulus could only clutch onto him and moan in ecstasy.
Telling Sirius was a little strange, he was a bit concerned they’d start fighting being in such close proximity, unfortunately all Sirius brings up now is that day when Regulus was unfortunately a little rude to James and now he was just always expecting them to start fighting.
For whatever reason.
”Just you two?” Sirius said with a raised brow. “Why not move in with Pandora?”
James had laughed, as he so often does when Pandora is brought up, he found it utterly hilarious.
”Sirius, we’ve decided, it works for Reg, works great for me and means I don’t have to go home at summer, which I’m trying to avoid until my grades are actually higher than a 2:2.”
Regulus nods along, “Plus, it means that if Mother ever comes over, I can say the bedroom is yours, leaving any questions about your whereabouts nulled.”
”You don’t even like James that much.”
He fought his smile, he still had no idea. Not a single bloody clue. “James is nice, I like James… James I like you, you know that right?” He mused.
James nodded seriously. “Totally, we like each other, we’re actually pretty good friends Sirius, unless you missed the past 5 years.”
Sirius shrugged, tossing his hair. “Alright, don’t come over if you have a fight, remember this conversation, and remember James is really bad at doing the washing up.”
Perfect. It was all perfect.