Chapter 1
Regulus had always seemed to be angry at something.
Whether it was someone else. Something else. Himself. His defining emotion always seemed to be anger. He had been torn between solitude and self hatred for so much of his childhood he had forgotten that the sun even existed past it’s shining view into the windows, which still, were shut at most times.
He became a sickly child. A troubled one, as his mother would say. Her beading grey eyes distastefully grew solemn the more she realised Regulus wasn’t troubled.
Regulus was depressed.
Regulus had been depressed since he left his mother’s cold womb and laid his head against his bassinet. His black curls grew and his teeth came through and yet you wouldn’t even realise him there, because he never smiled, nor cried.
He had been completely emotionless up until he was old enough to talk, which he did very little. To Sirius mostly, who shared his feelings sometimes, he could understand his silence and his want for darkness.
Sirius was born with one little difference to Regulus, he was born with a sense of hope, he knew despite the fact that they lived in a grand house full of darkness and strangers caring for them instead of their parents, he knew deep inside he could one day find his way into the world.
They were both somewhat different to each other, but that was their biggest difference. Regulus didn’t care about going into the world, for what? He would think, to be more dissatisfied? To feel the sun on my skin and feel the depths of my loneliness in a greater sphere?
He didn’t care for it. He didn’t care much for anything.
He had hobbies of course. He liked to read, he wrote furiously in his younger years, every ounce of self worth spilled on pages, a self manifesto that looking back was just a cry for help, scrawled lines of how badly he wanted the ground to swallow him up and disappear back to wherever it was his soul had unfortunately came from.
No one cared if they ever did find it.
Regulus and Sirius had never saw another person their age until they 15. They were done with homeschooling, they had perfect grades, perfect hand writing and could both play 5 instruments and speak 4 languages.
They were academically set for greatness their tutor had told them. Mother and Father were pleased, they might have even smiled if he could remember anything that specific, things tended to be forgotten by him pretty quickly at that age.
They were viewing Universities, colleges and other institutions that Mother and Father deemed acceptable for their futures.
Sirius wanted to go to a music school, he wanted to play piano and strings, he loved music and his heaven was to be filled with praise as he lost himself in his tune.
Regulus would just do whatever he did.
But of course, it wasn’t that simple. Mother deemed it too easy, she could play like she could breathe and insisted to Father that they’d become lazy, her sullen cheeks would become sore from scowling at Sirius’ plea’s to go.
Father said no, and then it was not worth pleading, nor talking about it ever again. Their father was a fair man, as they go, he was never violent nor did he shout or scream, that was all mother, he said what goes and no one questioned him. It was just that simple.
Mother had ultimately decided on Eton. She felt an all boys school would prevent any wandering eyes and any other unpleasant distractions. She liked the attention she got when they went and viewed it. Her thin frame wrapped in a black silk dress, her eyes lined and her hair falling down her back, she was beautiful in some respects, to others at least.
She walked into a room and found the greatest pleasure of every man in it wanting to talk to her, and even greater pleasure turning them down.
That day was the first time they’d seen another young man. Sirius had stared aimlessly into the classrooms full of boys and looked to Regulus, like they were viewing some abstract painting and not just a normal day for the other children.
It was strange.
The boys were all different. They were so… pure. They had mischievous grins and wide eyes. Spotted skin and metal fitted around their teeth. Sirius was excited. Regulus didn’t care for it all. He quite enjoyed learning alone. He knew their would be distractions and they would not have their own space.
But it had been decided.
The following year they were stood before the school grounds, with their suitcases and their uniforms neatly tied around their bodies.
It was all terrible at first. They were mocked for their accents, specifically Sirius who would talk to anyone who would glance his way, with excitement and enthusiasm. They were born in France and it showed every time they had to pronounce the words for their morning prayers.
Each syllable had them stressed as mocking smiles looked their way.
It was second semester, when Regulus had somewhat adjusted to being away from home and was ‘enjoying’ the sun shining inside his windows of the room him and Sirius shared. Mother had paid a lot of money for them to share, she found the idea of them sharing with strangers ghastly. So they were both ridiculed for that too.
‘The gay black brothers’.
It was that semester when they learnt what being gay was. What homophobia was. What racial prejudice was. What sexism was.
Regulus had found some humour in their insults. He didn’t even know a single thing about life to be labelled as anything. But Sirius didn’t like it. Sirius had gotten into 4 fights after those words were spat to him. He hated the word gay.
He hated it so much Regulus was worried he actually was gay.
“Why does it bother you, so much? They don’t know you.” Regulus had asked him, sat down on his bed staring as Sirius scribbled something down on his laptop.
A gift from Father, they were to share it. But Regulus hadn’t touched it.
”Because it’s foul Regulus.”
”Foul to be gay, or to be addressed as such?”
Sirius had turned to him, a hopeless look in his eyes, his face crumbled up in a frustrated expression. “Do you know what it is?”
”When may lay with men.”
”Yes, Regulus, but they don’t just ‘lay’ with them. They have sex.”
Regulus then learnt what sex was. Staring wide eyed and touching his thighs as he stressed the logistics of it all. Sirius showed him a video, what he now knows is pornography, a violent thing really, some woman naked, her breasts bouncing and the man’s body mostly hidden, he didn’t like it.
He hated the way it made him feel. The sour twisting in his stomach, the anxiety rolling up his spine. It felt dirty.
”Do you know how stupid we look here? I have made one friend and only now do I actually know anything that mother and father decided not to teach us, which is pretty much everything.”
”You have made a friend?”
That had changed everything from then. Regulus never saw this friend of his. He only heard whatever he was teaching Sirius; which then he would learn by extension.
This stranger had taught Regulus about all the things they had missed out on. Sex. Masturbating. Periods. Gay sex. Lesbian sex. Genders. Flirting.
It was all lewd. At first anyway. Sirius would laugh with him about whatever his friend would say. They’d watch videos online about how to kiss and they’d mock the people with such great humour they’d be in pain from laughing so hard.
It was the end of year dinner when Regulus met Sirius’ friend, he was approached at his table by them both.
As Regulus hadn’t looked up at him he felt that god awful sensation he got when him and Sirius had watched that video. The creeping shame and wide eyes, the intense drop of his stomach.
With his doe eyes and large smile, his tanned skin and messy hair. Regulus had sworn he had never felt closer to the sun, despite being inside.
”Hello.” Regulus had said, his eyes were carefully set now on Sirius who was nodding to him, a prompting thing he does when he needed to be polite.
”Alright? God you’re like twins… I’m James, Potter. Some people address me as Potter, but I’m not fond of that unless we’re enemies.”
”Hello, James.”
He had felt so incredibly small, his hand reached out to shake his and Regulus had felt a terrible sensation of a knot being loosened inside, it slipping down his soul and falling uselessly at his feet.
From then on it was unusual he didn’t see or talk to James on a daily basis, he’d be with Sirius in their room when he returned from class, they’d be watching videos, listening to music or talking about things Regulus had no interest in.
But he liked him there. It felt like he was being pulled away from the darkness of his life and getting transported into some foreign place, a place that made him smile, that made him happy.
A place that felt safe.
He had not known then and if he did know what he knew now, what James would become to him. He had been his friend first. His brother of sorts secondly.
They had inside jokes about Sirius. He received gifts at christmas from his parents. He and Sirius had found their first friend and they were so terribly hopelessly in love with him.
James had grown up alone, he had been homeschooled like them, except his life had been bright. He was liked by many, he was the captain of the football team. He had girls that texted him from different schools.
He was their god by all means appropriate.
James knew everything. James taught them everything. James was their first thing they had ever had that didn’t cost them anything in return.
James Potter was their special thing and they were never treated badly again at that school because of him.
He had some sort of life force that would stray the cruelest of words off with a harsh glance.
Sirius had then made many friends from James. He had countless, he would sit with them at meal times, laughing and joking. Regulus was happy for him, he deserved nice things like that. But he didn’t want another friend.
He had James now and decided that would be enough for him.
And on his 18th birthday everything would change. Sirius was in a detention, James was waiting for him, they were talking quietly about what exactly he had gotten for his birthday.
“I got a new piano.” Regulus told James who had mocked that, claiming he got one every year, which was true.
James then pulled out a small box from his blazer and handed it over, a grin on his lips and a sparkling in his eyes. Regulus had felt his cheeks flooding with colour, unable to control his pure pleasure. James always gave the very best gifts.
”Open it, you’re red like a tomato.”
”It’s a scientific response to-“
James tutted, pushing him playfully. “I know you’ve told me this, open it, please.”
His fingers ran the lines of tape, carefully un-peeling the wrapping and then opening the black velvet box inside.
It was a silver ring, his constellation was etched on the inside of the band. He had never been able to describe what happened to him in that moment. How James knew his constellation. How he had gotten it. How expensive it must have been. How badly Regulus wanted to cry for reasons he could not explain.
How terrible the moment was when he looked up into his eyes and felt that darkness inside of him dissolve into a puddle.
How terrified he was that he knew a balance had now been broken.
”It’s too much.”
”It’s not.” James said with a smile. “It’s your special birthday, I know you don’t like what Sirius does, or I’d have gotten you a leather jacket.”
Regulus had never had an emotional outburst, but he had threw himself into his arms and clutched at him so tightly James had made a strained noise.
”Christ, Regulus… It’s nothing really.”
”I love it.” He had whispered to him. “Thank you.”
It was difficult to say where things went wrong from there. He had worn the ring like it was keeping him breathing. He never took it off.
He had unconsciously sworn himself to James from that day.
When Summer came and James was not around he knew that darkness would return, but it never stayed long. He knew in a few weeks he’d be back in the sun again and he’d get him back.
James had changed when it was his final year in Eaton, when his face grew hair and his eyes wandered. When him and Sirius would start to drink and they’d sneak out together, Regulus never really got to see where they went but they returned, smelling strangely and looking disheveled.
Regulus found himself stinking of jealousy and anger towards them both, especially when they’d start talking about girls. When Sirius would sit and tell Regulus about the girl he had met and what he had done to her, and James would laugh and add in his own parts of her friend.
They had lost their virginities beside each other, in some girls dorm at a university campus. Regulus had felt disgusted with them. Like their friendship was shattered. He wishes he could go back and tell them not to go. Or to cover his ears as James told him what he did to the girl, how loud she was and how much she loved everything he did with his tongue.
Regulus had felt the darkness return in a different way. He felt the anger rising and the fear that came with it growing.
He hated them both for it.
He hated them both because they knew Regulus wasn’t into that.
He had always expressed his distaste towards sex. He had told them he was sure he wasn’t going to get married either. They had shrugged in confusion, not understanding, or at least pretending not to understand.
It was their final month of school when Regulus had enough of it all. He had told them both to stop telling him about girls. That he truly didn’t care if the girls had worshiped them or screamed louder than sirens for them. He wished death on them all and he left instantly, slamming the door and walking outside, tucking himself under a tree and frantically ruminating to himself as he knew then what it meant.
That he didn’t hate girls. He didn’t want them to die. He didn’t mind when it was Sirius, he could laugh. But when James told him, when he’d get that far away look in his eyes and smile, he felt the pain of his soul being ripped to shreds. He loved him. He loved him so deeply he’d rather die than ever hear another word of his pleasure.
He mourned everything that day. He mourned the friendship. His brother. His future. His knowledge his life now would be full of loneliness and insecurity.
He was gay. He was gay and he didn’t like the way it sounded. He would never like the way it sounded.
Sirius had put it down to jealousy, that he was upset they hadn’t invited him, or perhaps that he felt insecure. He let him think that.
James on the other hand had become cold towards him, he said hello but never spoke about anything in his life from that point. It hurt him terribly but he couldn’t go back on what he said.
His feelings might be hurt but Regulus’ were destroyed.
It was their last day when things went south. Sirius was elsewhere with his friends, James stumbled in, drunk he supposes, about to go into town with his friends, he had invited him on a whim.
”Come on, it’s our last day.”
”Your last day, James.” Regulus reminded him.
James had sat on the floor before him, tugging at his shirt, staring at him. “Don’t be boring.”
”I’m not boring I just don’t want to come.”
”Why?” He moaned, “You never come.”
”Because I don’t want to, Sirius is elsewhere, go.”
James placed his hands on his thighs, looking up from where he was crouched on the floor. “Please.”
Regulus felt his stomach twist. He wanted to scream that he stop touching him. That he felt he might die if he keeps touching him.
”Is it about the girls? Because no girls will be there.”
”I just don’t want to.” Regulus whispered desperately.
He felt it then, in the way James’ messy stare became focused, his brow raises and his tongue ran his bottom lip. He had made some calculation in his head. He parted his lips and then he furrowed his brows.
Regulus knew he had gotten it then. He was too afraid of being judged by him, he had looked away, his face at the wall and his mouth twisted downward.
Let it be over quickly. Hit me. Do something terrible. Show me how disgusted you are with me.
”Reg.” He had whispered. “I won’t… tell anyone.”
”I don’t care.” He lied.
James squeezed his thigh and then he felt his hands, he froze as they ran up his shirt and his fingers explored his untouched skin.
He had turned and found James’ eyes focused on his own hands, how they were touching him, how they started undoing buttons and before Regulus could possibly ask what he was doing James made a strained noise.
”Don’t tell anyone.” Is all James had whispered.
Regulus was nodding, his eyes closed as his shirt came off his trousers being fiddled with and James’ clothes melting off as they started fumbling around.
His hands were desperate, he grabbed James everywhere he could, he spat and got spat on, his fingers tangled in his hair.
James was inside of him, Regulus was pushed up against the wall, crying into the paint and James thrusted into him with as much desperation as he had.
His tears were thick and salty as they poured into his open mouth, he had never felt anything like it. He was in so much pain yet with James’ hoarse groans behind him he could only pray to god that he would repent later, he’d be sorry later.
James wasn’t gentle. He didn’t kiss him or ask permission. He was rushing and trying to make sure that neither of them got the wrong idea about this.
This was what they call a pity fuck.
Regulus came hard, his nails scratching the wall, making a mess on his sheets, trying not to make any noise, James was close behind, a loud groan and his hips shaking, he bit hard into his skin as he came inside of him.
They pulled apart and James dressed quickly, his eyes refusing to look at him. Regulus had sat there naked, staring at him wishing he would say something. Say anything.
But he didn’t.
He left.
He left and Regulus wouldn’t see him again for another year. He was home and Sirius was already moving into his dorms at Oxford with James. Mother was dissatisfied with James, she didn’t like him and claimed he was boisterous. But allowed them to attend the same school and paid for them to be paired together for their first year.
Regulus was alone that entire summer. A scar on his shoulder the only reminder of James, and the only evidence he had to prove to himself that it had actually happened.
Sirius wrote often. But the letters stopped in august, he was settled in and having fun, he had made so many friends and he didn’t feel the need to update him. Regulus didn’t hold a grudge about it, just because he was miserable and alone, didn’t mean he needed to be.
School was painful. When he went back he had their dorm, just now he was alone it, no Sirius no James. No friends. He just had his thoughts and prayers that everything would work out.
And it did. He worked hard and studied furiously. He wrote stories and when January rolled around and his application for University was done, he knew he’s see them again. Mother would only allow Oxford or Cambridge, and if he knew better he should have chosen cambridge, he got offers from them both. Fine arts at Oxford. Classical studies at Cambridge.
But he was young. Too young to know how poor of a decision it was to choose Oxford, how if his adult self could talk to him, he’d say to run as far as possible from the school and go elsewhere, but he couldn’t.
Regulus was accepted and he was congratulated in a quiet letter from Sirius in the spring. How excited he was to see him and what he’d been doing, who he’d been seeing and what it was like there.
It was easy to forget about James when he knew he’d be back in his life in a short time. He’d be able to look him in the eyes and feel him in his soul once more.
He wondered from time to time if he ever thought about that night. If he regretted it. If he even remembered it. He was drunk after all.
Summer came and he didn’t mourn his school, he didn’t hold any ties to it, he didn’t like the tutors and found it awful in all honesty. He didn’t even care to tell his parents that he had been given the top student award, or that he had won a scholarship for Oxford, it didn’t matter, he didn’t lack the money so he turned it down.
He went home that day, straight to his room and smiled, seeing Sirius sat on his bed, waiting for him. He was different.
He had a piercing in his ear and a stud in his nose. His clothes were dark and his hair was longer.
Regulus had missed a lot.
They had gone a long walk and Sirius told him absolutely everything.
”So I’m bisexual.”
Which had made him panic, he had thought maybe James had done the same with him, some drunk mistake or pitying fuck. But it wasn’t.
He had met someone. Some man called Remus who was studying the same thing as him, they’d been seeing each other for a while now, he told Regulus how strange it was at first, how he was ashamed. But he liked the shame in the end, he said anything their parents wouldn’t like he loved.
Regulus was shocked. He asked endlessly about him. How it began. If he was into all men now. But he said it complicated. He still liked women but he now just liked Remus too. It made some sense.
He spoke about James a little, he was struggling with the workload and drinking a lot, he started smoking cigarettes with Sirius and stopped talking to this girl he was seeing at the end of last year.
”I thought you were going to say you and James were together.” Regulus forces a laugh. It was pathetic. He was so relieved.
”Ha,” Sirius laughed. “Never. He’s like you, my brother. Never ever… god I can’t imagine something so awful.”
Regulus had laughed with him, mostly in sordid relief. That that time together wasn’t just a coincidence to them both. He didn’t really care what it meant. He had never felt pleasure like it and he wanted it to happen again. However bad. Whatever the consequences.
If he could have James like that, rough, and hard, intimate, he’d do anything.
”You’ll like it, I promise. Hopefully you’ll like Remus too.”
”I’m sure I will… just got to get through summer.”
Their parents were still not entirely used to their children not being around and hovered over them a lot that summer, asking endless questions that they each lied to accordingly.
Before he knew it, him and Sirius were packing their things and leaving their home again.
Now with Sirius at his side collecting his key to their own flat, that of course, Mother had paid for thinking him and Sirius would be better behaved together.
They found themselves almost giddy. They had their very own place. With their own rooms. Their own bathroom. Their own kitchen. It wasn’t lavish, but it was large and clean and Mother said she would be visiting often to check in, but they didn’t mind.
It was their first real taste of freedom from them. No need to return home at Christmas or Summer. They were together again.
It was lovely at first, having Sirius happily chatting and planning things they can do together, cooking meals or attempting to at least.
Laughing endlessly as Sirius tells him what freshers is like and where to avoid. It was pretty beautiful. He had forgotten how much he can breathe better when he’s around.
”James is coming around soon for a few drinks, bet you’ll have this same conversation with him.”
Regulus smiled outside the window, a glimpse of the moon peering from the clouds.
“Maybe.” He whispers.
James was there quickly, crashing in with 2 bags full of alcohol, him and Sirius having their hug and quickly filling each other in.
Then James looks at Regulus stood by the window, he offers him a gentle smile. He looks older. His hair is tidier that’s for certain.
Regulus gives him a smile, not a guilty one nor a sad one. A real one. Because no matter what happened the last time they spoke he loves him. He’s his friend and that matters.
”Hello, trouble.” He says, pulling him in for a hug.
Regulus inhales his scent and clings to him. “I missed you.”
”Missed you too.” James whispers, rubbing his back before pulling back and patting his shoulder. “No excuses this year, you’re unfortunately going out.”
Regulus knows this. Agreeing to coming here was agreeing to becoming their little 3rd wheel again. He didn’t mind. Anything to be close to him.
They were drinking, Regulus’ first drink that is, frowning at how disappointing the taste was, he liked the way it made his stomach feel though.
James drank a lot, becoming loud and rowdy, explaining in detail how bad his dorm was and how it stunk of damp dogs.
”Well it’s better than Eton, sharing a room is awful.”
”I’m inclined to say sharing a bathroom is worse,” James replies, eyeing Regulus who was staring at his tattoo on his arm. “Admiring my ink?”
”Confused at what I’m looking at.” Regulus says truthfully. It was upside down on his bicep so it looked like a big blob to him.
Sirius rolls his eyes and pulls his sleeve up. “It’s his constellation… well his star signs constellation… I have mine too,” He tugs up his shirt revealing his stars scattering over his chest. “Romantic of us, I know.”
Regulus fiddles with the ring on his fingers and nods approvingly. It was nice. He thinks. He was confused by it. When they decided on it, or how it was decided. How he felt a little left out, but that was a familiar feeling with them two.
”Cool.” He guesses.
”You should get one,” James says then, swigging his drink, “If you want.”
”I don’t like tattoo’s.” He admits honestly. He hates them. He thinks they’re awful. He’s angry James’ flawless skin is now tainted by ink. But whatever, not his choice.
The more he drank, the more he felt that fuzzy feeling in his stomach and his smile on his face became wonky and Sirius declares they best go now before they all fall asleep.
He’d never stepped foot inside a pub, and when he’s in he smells the scent of beer and perfume, deciding immediately he’s not a fan.
It’s loud and obnoxious. There’s lots of skin showing and the music is terrible. But with a pat on his back from James he calms down, he orders himself a drink and sits down.
Sirius is approached immediately, a girl with long blonde hair gives him a shove and grins. “Bastard, didn’t even say hello.”
”Sorry Marls, hello gorgeous.” He replies giving her a kiss.
She looks at Regulus and frowns. “I’m so drunk I swear you’re sat on two chairs right now.”
She was pretty. She had lots of jewellery on and a piercing hanging from her nose and one in the centre of her lip. He was confused where everyone had suddenly gained an appeal for holes in their skin.
”That’s my little brother, I did tell you.” Sirius tuts.
She squints at him and then grins. “Regulus Black, professional academic and master of piano and stoicism… so I’m told.”
Sirius gives him an apologetic smile, but he doesn’t mind, it’s all largely true.
“Nice to meet you, although I’m trying to not to be as stoic.” He says with a smile, shaking her hand just to be attacked with a kiss on the cheek.
Right then.
”You’re gorgeous… much better looking than Sirius. Are you single? Loads of my friends are-“
”He’s not interested Marls.” James says cutting her off. “He just got here, let him breathe.”
She sighs and nods with a wink. “Let me know though, see ya later!”
Regulus looks to James and gives him a nod. Thank you. Whatever that meant he had no interest in it.
They’re drunk pretty quickly. Sirius is dancing on the unfortunate carpet with lots of girls, and him and James are watching from the corner, sat in a comfortable silence.
He was in his element. He’d never seen him so happy. So completely himself.
”He’s happy,” Regulus whispers, “He’s so happy.”
”Yeah, he is… figured it would take moving out to do it, but he’s really found his feet here, he knows everything and everyone.”
Regulus looks to James and smiles. “You best be looking after him, I don’t want to find him becoming some floozy.”
James grins at him, his eyes sparkling. “He’s had that phase, he’s over it… but he’s found a new obsession with this guy Remus who he still hasn’t introduced me to.”
”Really?”
”Yeah, he’s taking it slow… I think he’s utterly obsessed with him.”
“When did he figure… that out.”
He finds it ironic he’s talking to James about this. How inappropriate it is. How comedic it all seems now he’s drunk.
James gives him a look. “Come on.”
”What?”
”Reg, he’s been as queer as queen since he was 16.”
”Has he?” Regulus whispers in disbelief. He had never noticed.
“Reggg,” He groans, leaning his head back and groaning, “I forgot you two were aliens before eton.”
”Hey,” Regulus laughs loudly. God he missed laughing with him. “We were not, we just didn’t know much.”
”Aliens… but yeah, figured that out pretty early, he’s bisexual or whatever the word is.”
The word is making him feel nervous. Like he should say, ‘oh me too’ but he’s not and James definitely knows that, in the best and worst way.
He slyly thinks of it now and then. When he’s alone. The way it all felt. How he looked naked. How his hands were shaking like he was just as terrified as him. His face red and sweating. The sounds.
Regulus closes his eyes briefly and shakes his head. Enough of that.
“You wanna go? He’ll be here all night.” James asks an hour or so later.
”What just leave him?”
”You wanna be here until 6am?”
”No.”
”Then let’s vanish, because he won’t be leaving until he’s good and ready.”
Regulus agrees feeling a little guilty as he slips out the door into the cold, with James at his side, heading back to his flat.
“How’ve you been?” Regulus finally asks.
James shrugs, lighting a cigarette and exhaling deeply. “It’s cool and all, expensive and my mum hates how much money she has to send me just to survive here, but it’s good.”
”If you need money-“
”Don’t, I’ve had this conversation with Sirius. I appreciate the fact you’re disgustingly rich but I’m good, besides humble beginnings.”
He wasn’t sure if going to Eaton then oxford was a humble beginning. But he didn’t press the matter.
Regulus unlocks the door and they head up, James pops on the tv with some music and removes his jacket.
He wonders now, completely alone, if he should ask about it. But he doesn’t want to ruin this invisible line that they’re obviously both become comfortable with.
He sits beside him and fingers his glass of water, “Being drunk is kind of fun.”
”Yeah?” James grins, “It is.”
”Yeah, makes my head quieten.”
”Bit loud in there?”
”You’ve no idea.” Regulus whispers, resting his head back.
He didn’t mean it anyway but the way James guiltily looks at him he finds himself feeling awkward about it.
”I didn’t mean it in anyway.”
”No… it’s not that… just figured you’d have a good grasp on your thoughts.”
Regulus raises a brow. “Why?”
”You know, you’ve never been very vocal.”
”No, but that doesn’t mean my brain is quiet.”
James licks his lips and shrug, a moment passes then he’s sighing. “Can I crash here?”
”Of course.”
He’s saying that before he can make sense of any of this. Before he can notice the condom sticking out of jean pocket, or the way he’s fiddling with his hands.
Regulus stares at the blue condom and blinks. Was that a presumption? Did he always go out with that?
“Getting lucky tonight?” Regulus mutters, trying to watch the television instead of looking at it.
”Pfft,” James laughs, shoving it deeper into his pocket. “Nah, s’just in there from when I went out last week and Sirius said I needed a shag.”
”Alright.” He replies tightly. Shouldn’t have asked. Don’t care. Don’t want to know.
James touches his hair and hums to himself, “You’re curlier these days.”
”Am I?”
“Yeah, last time I remember your hair was a little looser.”
”Probably because I was in bed.”
As soon as he says it he realises his mistake, because he knows now they’re both trying not to think about what he meant, or didn’t mean, but somehow they’re imagining it anyway.
James shuffles where he’s sat. Regulus looks at him from the corner of his eyes, noticing the way his bottom lip is now between his teeth.
”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply-“
James grabs him, pulling him to his lips and scorching his mouth with a hot wet kiss, Regulus jumps and sort of guesses what he should be doing. Not having kissed anyone in his life he sorts of just sits there in shock.
”Sorry!” James hisses, stumbling to his feet and running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”
Regulus shakes his head, standing with him and putting a hand on his shoulder. If he wanted it again. He could. He’d give himself over until he was nothing. Besides, if he knew from the beginning of the night this is what he wanted, he wouldn’t have wasted so much time.
He was desperate himself.
”It’s fine.”
”No it’s not- I fucked up that night and you’re not even-“
”I’m not sorry about it.” He whispers.
James stops stressing, his hand dropping from his hair and tilting his head. “No?”
”No.”
“At all?”
”Not at all.” He whispers. He can be vulnerable with him. How couldn’t he? He doesn’t care what he knows, as long as he wants it too.
James is on him pretty quickly, one hand on Regulus and one hand opening his bedroom door. Shoving him in and rushing to take off his belt.
Regulus is mindful not to be frozen, trying to take off his clothes as fast as he is, but he’s being dragged to the end of the bed by his jeans before he knows it.
Oh my god, he thinks when James is stood above him, his cock hard and his arms muscled, his eyes are dazed and Regulus thinks he’s never looked more beautiful.
He parts his legs and gives him a swift nod, and James is the same, a little softer this time perhaps, his hand around his neck and his face buried in his hair.
”Fuck!” James mutters, his hips grinding into him. “Fuck Reg.”
Regulus stares up at the ceiling, smiling drunkly as he starts to feel his darkness disappear out of himself and let out into the cries that leave his lips.
James squeezes his throat and takes a long look at him, his hips speeding, his mouth opens and his head tips back in ecstasy.
He starts to cry out for him, his nails scratching down his back, his legs shaking as James drives deeper into him, he’s done quickly, a bump inside at the right angle and he’s coming across his stomach, James looks down and shakes his head, his hips slapping into his, he makes a loud groan and spills inside of him, with hot force.
”Fuck!”
Regulus exhales shakily as James collapses onto him.
There wasn’t much to say. He figures their bodies did the talking pretty well. But when James lifts his head and swallows heavily, looking at him with a defeated smile he figures he’s probably been thinking about it for a while too.
”I’m sorry, for the way I left that night… that was so shit of me.”
Regulus stares at him. “I don’t mind.”
”No, it’s not about minding,” James pulls back on his boxers and trousers, “It was rude as fuck.”
”It’s okay.”
”Stop being polite, I was a dick and you could have acted that way, but you didn’t.”
He’s confused by what he’s saying. As if he could ever actually be angry at him. Or hold some grudge after the best night of his life, or second now he guesses. This time was better. A lot better.
”I forgive you… can you get me a tissue or something?”
James looks down at him and nods, “Was it… alright?”
Regulus smiles and nods. “Yeah.”
”I don’t know why… but I just- god I don’t know, but I think I’m losing my mind.”
”Tissue… please.”
He doesn’t want to think about James losing his mind, or if he was, that’s why that happened because that was just too disappointing for him.
James wipes down his stomach for him and between his legs carefully, he runs his hands down his stomach and awkwardly pats him. “Movie?”
”Er, sure.”