How the Past and the Present Overlap
Barty Crouch Jr. was a complicated human being. He was loud, talkative, impulsive, rude, annoying, and considered strange at times. But most of the time he considered himself unlovable and intolerable. That was a side of him that most seemed to misunderstand.
In truth, most people did not see the real Barty that he himself experienced most of the time. That wasn't uncommon as he didn't really seem to understand it himself either. The times when he felt too tired to get out of bed and would only sleep, the times when he couldn't eat, and the times when he could only cry himself to sleep or was too numb to cry, confused him more than anyone else. He would lie awake as his roommates would get ready for bed, when they would be fast asleep, and as the birds picked up where they had left off chirping. He just couldn't sleep.
Those were the parts that Barty hid by showcasing a huge intolerable smile and by messing with others so he wouldn't have to feel so miserable. He liked seeing their faces puff up when they came face to face with Barty. He liked seeing their reactions when Barty made them feel just has horrible as he felt, because it meant that he wasn't alone. That's why he would purposefully make a first year Hufflepuff trip or hide the spellbooks of an annoying goody two-shoes Ravenclaw or annoy his best friend's brother as he was so easy to flare up.
He also liked going out at night when he couldn't sleep. Instead of hearing his spiteful thoughts roar, he'd go up to the astronomy tower with a spliff and a half-empty bottle after he'd made sure his roommates were asleep, or, he'd walk the school grounds and hit the Two Broomsticks until he was too plastered to walk in a straight line and either resulted in stumbling back to his dorm with much difficulty, or passing out in an alleyway before he could even make it half way.
That's what he would do tonight, Barty decided, as he lay in his bed, tussling and turning. He'd already thrown the covers off him, but, even in the dungeons, the summer heat made sweat slick all over his body, causing the fabric to stick to each inch of exposed skin.
He sighed, listening to the breathing of Evan and Regulus, who seemed sound asleep. Sometimes, he liked matching his breathing to that of either one of his roommates, pretending so that, if he breathed similarly, he would feel just as peaceful as they did. And, for just a second, but a second nonetheless, he would slowly start to relax.
He didn't really know what time it was by the time he'd given up and had gotten up, but he didn't really care either, honestly. He simply grabbed his wand, his packet of cigarettes that contained a few stray spliffs, a half-empty bottle of fire-whiskey, his shoes and socks, and some shorts. He was wearing the same T-shirt as the day prior even though he was sweating profusely and probably smelled like it, too. But, it didn't really bother him, nonetheless.
He walked up to Evan's bed and slowly pushed the canopy to the side, just a tiny bit, just until he could make out Evan's features. He often did that, just to make sure his best friend was save and sound. He couldn't quite comprehend why, but it made him feel calm and peaceful in return.
Barty truly did care for his friends with every piece of his soul that he could master, and he knew, deep down, that they cared for him, too. Even if he did feel like a burden to them most of the time.
He didn't bother using Lumos as he walked the corridors. Wandering as he often did, he knew each crevice of the castle from his dorm to the courtyard by heart. The moonlight led the hallways with a dim glow that made it just possible to make out the shadows of the bricks that led his way. He didn't bother using the front doors: Filch or his disgusting cat would've caught him before he could've blinked. So instead, he walked through one of the smaller, less known doorways that opened directly to the courtyard.
He immediately was overthrown with the fresh air and inhaled deeply. He then let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. It always felt better to be outside. The walls made him feel closed off. However, often it could be nice, too, as the closeness often made him feel rather safe.
He walked a different route than he normally did and the sky was starting to turn a bit orange-pink-ish as he walked down one of the Scottish hills, past an ugly shed where one of the caretakers seemed to live, past the edge of the forest, until he turned and reached the lake, sitting down on the damp grass, and watching the sun rise slowly.
Barty opened the bottle and took a swig without a reaction. He was kind of used to the vile taste after three years of drinking, so he lit up his spliff, inhaling deeply, and waiting for both effects to drown out his thoughts.
Immediately he felt a feeling of calmness overcoming him the moment he breathed in. He watched the smoke diffuse into the night-sky as it consumed him and took the never-ending restless part away, replacing it with a sense of euphoria. He smiled.
He took another swig, a big one now, and the familiar burn was starting to form in his throat as he did, and in response to the disgust, he scrunched his nose.
Then he just waited until his surroundings started turning slightly blurry as a result. It made him feel giddy, the effect of both the alcohol and the weed. Barty was consumed by the sense of everything slowing and speeding up at the same time. He definitely would have a headache in a few hours, he concluded without a care in the world.
Slowly, the shades of blue in the sky seemed to lighten up and Barty could make out the slightest outlines of clouds above him. These were moments when he felt truly content. Not happy, but as close as it got.
☆☆☆☆
When he got back to his dorm, he let himself fall onto his covers. It had taken him longer than usually to even get to his room, but now that he finally had, he felt extremely exhausted.
The alcohol had worn off, but the cannabis made everything look and his own body feel as if it's functioning in slow-motion.
He didn't bother taking off his shoes as he felt himself slowly doze off. His eyes started growing heavy, and the subtle sounds surrounding him, faded all into a single white noise before all turning quiet completely.
He was a light sleeper, used to not dreaming and somehow, he still felt the headache in his dream. One way or the other, he did grow weary of his surroundings.
A bit later, he wasn't sure how much time had passed, but Barty thought he heard something akin to his name in a low volume. He wasn't sure who it was, but he liked the voice, nevertheless.
"Barty, c'mon breakfast is almost over." Evan said softly, but Barty barely heard it, finally being able to get some shuteye after countless of restless nights. He groaned sleepily, turning to hide his face away from the bright light and the headache that was starting to form.
He dozed off again, a deeper sleep this time, filled with memories and emotions. Not noticing as Evan and Regulus left for breakfast and class.
----
His father sat on one of the modern, brown chairs in their dining room. He was mumbling to himself and frowning, Barty didn't understand why. There was nothing to frown about, he thought.
He really wanted to show his father the new toy he'd gotten from the neighbours who were kind people that always seemed to care for Barty as their own. He liked them more than his father, but they didn't ignore him as he did.
Barty stood 3 feet and 4 inches tall at age four and could barely look over the table. His father--who'd always seemed like a giant to him--was sitting comfortably on one of the cold, uncomfortable chairs. Barty always hated how they sat, they made his butt hurt and he couldn't reach the ground causing his dad to scowl at him when he wiggled too much.
"Daddy! Daddy, look!" Barty said with a wide smile as he came running into the dining room. He held up the toy with his little hands. It was a beautiful toy made from wood and metal, covered in decorative signs and symbols. The neighbours had said that it was handmade in a country somewhere far away, just for him and they'd made him feel special and loved.
"Look! The neighbours got me a train! They got it made, just for me!" He had the most exciting smile on his face that could only be described as a child's innocence. Did they know it had been his birthday the day before, too?
His father didn't bother looking up or showing any interest at all, but Barty knew that he had heard him so he continued: "It can move on it's own. It's so pretty, right, dad?" He waited for confirmation or a reaction of his father, but it never came. Bartemius Sr., didn't seem to care his son existed and didn't seem to know his only child was standing besides him with a smile that could light up the world, looking at him with so much admiration and love. It was only evident in the slight clench around the quill he was holding and the tension setting in his jaw.
Barty Jr. shrugged and gave up and instead moved away from his father, making "choo-choo" sounds as he ran around the table, the train in hand, pretending to move at an incredible speed over mountains and past the sea.
His father had no sound coming out of his mouth and moved his chair backwards in one swift motion, quieting the empty room down with just his presence. He looked up at his son without any warmth present in his eyes.
When his mum wasn't there the dining room felt empty, just as his father, at times. Barty's dad didn't decorate the space with vases filled with colourful flowers, Barty's art that he'd made for mother's or father's day, or garlands for when it was his birthday. His mum always did that, as stay-at-home mum it was her job. But, grandma was sick, so mummy had to go to Scotland which meant that he was stuck alone with his dad in the huge empty manor for a while. Therefore, the room remained empty and lifeless.
"Son, let me see that, will you?" His tone sounded much too nice and inviting for the look in his eye to mean nothing. However, Barty was already happy that his father had noticed his new toy he loved so much. It was his favourite, but he wasn't sure yet.
Barty looked up at his father and handed him the toy with a slight doubt in his body language. "It can make a "choo-choo" sound, too. Look." He pressed a button proudly and the train indeed did make a "choo-choo" sound. Only his dad didn't seem to find it was funny as he did.
His father didn't look at him--well he did physically, but he seemed to look through Barty instead.
Barty awaited his father's reaction, his own smile faltering as the toy fell to the floor. He looked up at his father again with tearful eyes but instead of an apology or comfort Sr.'s smile seemed to turn cynical. His eyes seemed to widen, and his voice started to sound inhumane. The entire room seemed to shrink in size, and it started spinning around vigorously as his father turned into a horrid monster with no pupils and a huge jaw with pointy sharp teeth that chased him all at once. His father was gone and instead he was stuck in a room with the Devil himself while barely being able to open doors on his own. His breathing fastened and as he finally got the door to open and wished to escape, the outside world seemed to have become a dark bottomless void, trapping him instead. The monster/father scurrying behind him with huge claws and an evil smirk.
-----
Barty woke up, sweating profusely, his breathing sharp and almost painful. He hadn't fallen into the void or been chased by monsters, but the room still did seem to be spinning. He groaned because of the pain forming in his head as well as the nauseating feeling of post-drunkenly bliss that enveloped him.
God, he was going to puke.
He ran to the bathroom--which Regulus always needed to be tidy and clean. He was always grumbling and mumbling about Barty being too careless and messy. --and got down on his knees, he'd care about cleanliness later. He retched until all the contents of his stomach were emptied into the toilet and then continued to dry heave until most of the nauseating feeling seemed to have stopped.
Barty curled up besides the toilet, his body and hands shaking from the exertion, and stared up at the ceiling breathlessly with his chest heaving. He noticed that his bare feet were cold against the stone floor. Evan must've taken off his shoes before he left. He was always taking care of Barty.
He flushed the toilet before getting up, Regulus could scold him for it later and stumbled back to his bed.
It was only then that Barty noticed the plate with one slice of plain toast (in case he was too hungover and couldn't stomach anything else), and one slice with peanut butter--just as he liked it--on his nightstand with a goblet and a little note next to it.
He folded the note open with still shaking hands and read it a few times repeatedly.
don't forget to drink, will make you feel better. will be back in a few to see if you're alive.
-E
Something felt special about the note. It gave him a sort of warm feeling that he didn't seem to experience often.
And despite how Barty was feeling, he felt a small smile tug on the corner of his mouth, because Evan was always taking care of him.