Toxic Romance

Severus Snape knew that he was a man of many talents; some obvious like his unrivaled skill in potions, which had earned him the title of Potions Master, one of the youngests of the century; and the truly obscure ones like his skill as a double agent for both the Light and Dark Sides.

No matter what the case may be, he knew that he was still lacking in many ways, though he was loathe to admit, which was what had landed him in his present… conundrum.

To say the present sitting arrangements were not to his liking was a gross understatement. It was truly a pity that Minerva was tending to the first years. Truly a shame, because having to sit through Quirrell’s stuttering diatribe of vampires was worse than any form of magical torture, Cruciatus Curse or otherwise, that the Dark Lord had deigned him be subjected to. He tuned out the blathering  fool as he surveyed the rest of the Great Hall’s occupants, getting  lost in his thoughts.

‘Speaking  of Minerva, I wonder how she manages to look forward to guiding a new set of dunderheads annually. It’s  not like the lot of them amount to much, the exceptional ones are so few and far between, for Merlin’s sake!

Severus’ expression darkened at that. ‘Ah yes. The Girl-Who-Lived would be attending  this year, wouldn’t  she?’

Severus had full notebooks of all the things he despised in his life, having started compiling them ever since he himself was a student at Hogwarts, as a sort of coping mechanism, which had then developed  into a habit that he would not admit, even on pain of death. He was rather proud of his private achievement, boasting several copies of every student he had ever taught himself. However, none of them had ever had their own copy pre-made except for one Harriet Potter, of whom he had already written ten pages of.

His fingers itched in anticipation, waiting for the damn brat to show her smug, pampered face tonight. That alone was enough to fill the remaining pages of her journal. He unknowingly let a smirk settle on his face at the thought, startling  Quirell badly, having briefly forgotten where he was at the moment.

Severus collected himself, seamlessly regaining his composure at the same moment, as if the smirk he had sported had merely been a figment of poor Quirell's imagination.

He recalled one of the many conversations he'd had with Dumbledore, and his mood soured further than he thought it could.

"She looks just like her father,"  was all the damnable, old coot had said, with his blue eyes twinkling with mirth in that Merlin-forsaken way it always did. Severus did not hide the fact that, that was too cruel a jest, one that he had no intention of partaking in. 

He focused on the grand doors that, through which, held the current object of his loathing for tonight, and many years to come, until The Potter Spawn will leave and stop gracing the humble halls of Hogwarts with her presence.

'How dare he?!'  Severus thought. 'How dare James bloody Potter sully a child of Lily with his genes? It hadn't been enough that he'd won her, like he said he would, but now...now...'

Severus felt his brows twitch with the beginnings of a migraine for the fifth time that night, and fought the urge to massage his temples. It wouldn't do for him to lose his composure, not when he'd come so far, waited so long to have The Potter Spawn within his grasp. Not to torture her, of course, he was not such a barbarian. No, not at all. But Severus had a feeling that the brat was used to her every whim being catered to, and now it was up to him to teach the brat some discipline. He discreetly eyed his colleagues, shooting daggers at the bumbling Quirell who was now chatting with someone else, or at least trying to. 

'They are all too soft.' 

Indeed, they were. He could just picture them bending to The Brat's will, caving in on that 'Girl-Who-Lived' hogwash. Dumbledore will certainly encourage it, damn him, and the others would not be so much better off. Minerva would hold out for a while, but knowing how much she favoured Lily and that bastard,... Severus really was not hoping for much on that front.

No, it was up to him to deal the girl a...firm hand.

The massive doors swung open as he finished his train of thought, and though he tried to feign nonchalance, he couldn't help but sweep his gaze above the many heads of the approaching first years. He frowned as he noticed that the few dark-haired students he was observing at the front looked nothing like the older Potter.

'Hmm. Could she be at the back, perhaps?' Severus laughed inwardly. 'As if a Potter would shy away from all the attention.'

Severus looked further back and spotted the telltale white hair of one Draco Malfoy and, sweeping his gaze next to him... Severus' lips curled in annoyance when he spotted the heads of two red-haired children.

'Two more Weasleys to deal with this year. Lovely.' He thought sarcastically.

But something kept niggling at the back of his mind, the feeling that one of the children's hair was darker than the other, a vivid shade that was imprinted in his memories. His instincts had never failed him before in all the years he had been undercover, having been the only thing that had kept him alive for so long, and he didn't feel like it would start to fail him now.

He searched the Hall, trying to find what exactly was setting off his internal alarm, and found it exactly in the place where simultaneously least expected it, and expected all in one. Dumbledore was staring pointedly into the crowd of first years with an unwavering smile that was difficult to see under the mass of beard he possessed. The unsettling twinkle, in Severus' opinion, was back in full force. He tried to see what the older man was looking at, but it was just the first years, so Severus tucked that piece of information at the back of his mind.

 Severus felt the sensation intensify in the span of a few seconds, although, that was nothing compared to what came next: the feeling of being watched.

Severus felt his mouth go dry instantly, the whiplash of such intensity in Hogwarts, and in Dumbledore's presence, was enough to make him tense. A sudden irrational fear coursed through him and he felt himself freeze under the rigorous scrutiny, the likes of which he hadn't felt since his days as a Death Eater.

Cheers erupted from the Gryffindor table, unexpectedly startling him. He glared at them with pure malice, which quelled their raucous cheers somewhat. The scrutiny still persisted, and it didn't help that the Hall was so wide that he couldn't exactly point out where it was coming from.

He glanced back at Dumbledore in warning, only to find that he was still staring at the same spot. Severus followed his line of sight, and right there, among the now thinned crowd, was someone he had thought he would never lay eyes on again.

His alighted eyes zeroed in on a young girl eleven years of age. Her red hair flowed down over her dark robes, spilling a lovely red on its bland surface. And her eyes...Severus would know that vivid shade anywhere, the only shade of green that both haunted him and remained the object of his desires, after all these years.

Even though they were framed by an ugly pair of glasses, it did nothing to diminish their beauty, as eyes of a haunting green locked with sorrowful obsidian.

Feelings that had remained dormant for more than a decade flared to life within him.

Shock.

Elation.

Regret.

...Love.

"Lily." Severus whispered with the pain of a love lost.

'She's still the same.'

Still looked the same as she did all those years ago, when they were separated into different Houses. Back when she still looked at him.

But something whispered in his mind just then, the truth he had been overlooking in favour of seeing the perfect image he wanted to.

'But they're not the same, are they?' His mind whispered to him mockingly.

'No.' He agreed with himself, though it tore at his heart to do so.

Lily had never worn glasses before. She wouldn't have been caught dead donning one, especially not one that looked so dreadful.

'And her eyes...' Severus closed his eyes momentarily to repress an uncontrollable shudder.

'When had Lily ever watched me like that?'

The intensity of both equally familiar and unfamiliar eyes raked his person, a gaze so intense that he felt an imaginary inferno burning his skin, whilst licking at his heart in a gentle smoulder, and Severus absolutely revelled in it.

Severus wanted to sink in this sensation forever, so badly wanted to feel it's rough waves batter against his body in its unfamiliar frenzy...

'...But she's a child.' His voice of reason wormed its way to the front of his mind.

Severus' mind ground to a halt at that particular thought, and shame welled within him.

'How could I have sunk so low?'

Severus closed his eyes as his heart panged rhythmically to his welling shame. He had lost control in the blink of an eye, one he had kept so tightly wound to his chest, around the wailing abyss that was his heart.

'Lily is dead,' He repeated in a mournful mantra, 'and its all my fault.'

He opened his eyes and found himself once more locked in an intense staring match, with The Potter Spawn.

'No. I refuse to carry all the blame. If Potter had left her alone, if his highness hadn't seen it fit to sire a mangy wench..., if Lily had never married him...'

Severus felt his lips twist into his nastiest sneer as he glared at his bane.

'...Then Lily might have lived.'

He sneered at her as he turned away, his previously slumbering contempt making itself known once more. He cursed James silently within himself, for Lily, and for the Brat now bearing his face. He heard her name being called by Minerva, and watched as she seemed to startled out of whatever grandiose daydream she was in, and strutted up to the stool.

Severus felt himself sinking deeper into his musings, ignoring the Sorting as best he could. His mind kept going back to the look they'd both shared, and he felt himself fighting down another shudder for the second time that evening. It had felt too intense to be called a mere accident, and too intentional to be called random.

'Had Dumbledore put her up to it, as a new way to keep me under control?' He wondered. Honestly, Severus wouldn't put it past the old man, knowing barely a fraction of what he was capable of, but even still, from what Severus could discern from their brief interaction, that was either the most unlikeliest of coincidences, or the girl was the best actress he had ever met, and in his own opinion, he had met the best of them during his Death Eater days, passing off as everyday citizens...

He shook his head as he berated himself for overthinking. It seemed like The Brat had more effect on him than he'd thought.

'Speaking of, is she still being Sorted?'

He glanced over at her, with her back to him now, he noticed how small she looked. Surely such a fragile thing wasn't who had caused his earlier unsettlement.

'Sigh. I must be getting out of practice. Why is her Sorting taking so long by the way?'

Normally, he would have chalked it up to her "unique" Potter-ness, having made a "funny prank" to delay the Sorting for effect, but as the Hat was a magical artifact, he didn't think that that was possible.

'Well, it's not like The Brat would be anywhere other than Gryffindor.'

"BETTER BE-" The yell from the Hat snapped him out of his thoughts. He made to lean back in his chair, having already predicted the next word of the announcement.

"SLYTHERIN."

Severus froze mid-act as if he had been struck by lightning. Surely, his ears must have deceived him at that moment, because...

'JUST WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME WAS THAT?'

Surely, it must have been a trick. An elaborate plan to give him an aneurysm by the end of the evening. Severus reeled his Occlumency Shields in place, finally feeling them start to slip after so many stressful events in a single night. It wouldn't do for him to lose his composure, not when he'd come this far.

He turned to face Dumbledore again for the second time that evening, trying to glean even a fraction of a clue, just to see if this was another one of his many schemes he had put in place, with a twist to guide the situation to his advantage, but it seemed that that was not the case.

The twinkle that had been in his eyes mere moments ago was now gone, like a blazing flame that had gone out, all at once. A lot people wouldn't have noticed it, even those he claimed to be close to, but Dumbledore's eyes now bore a hard, but subtle edge that Severus had come to recognize as disappointment, and something more... calculation.

Severus' mind whispered softly, in the vestiges of his consciousness. Perhaps the thought itself was a betrayal of where his true loyalty lied, but he couldn't help the brief thrill of joy that registered within himself.

'Ah. It seems, for once, that the old man has miscalculated.'

Severus turned back to survey the situation at hand, and only just missed another face sporting a similar expression, and then it was gone in an instant.

Minerva wore a grim expression as she took the Hat off of The Brat's head. And then the whispers started. He could hear them from where he sat, of course, and none of them sounded favourable for The Brat, either. She spun this side and that as she heard them, and Severus felt a satisfaction that he'd never felt before at that, as he sneered in her direction.

'Don't tell me, is she perhaps expecting a standing ovation?'

He took the time to observe her carefully, and that was when he noticed something strange about her countenance, something he himself was all too familiar with, and something he didn't expect to see in someone like her.

She was panicking.

'Why isn't Dumbledore doing something about this?'

And that's when the boos started, with the Weasley twins egging them on. Severus heard Draco call her name, but it seemed like she was too far gone to hear him. She sent one more desperate look around, and that was when Severus caught her expression, and seeing it in the eyes of someone he thought he would never see again...,well it wasn't an exaggeration to say that it broke his black heart.

The eyes of a now familiar green had gone dull and lifeless, staring nowhere in particular. Her despair was evident in the way she had frozen up, so much so that she couldn't hear her own name being called. With her face having gone eeriely blank, Severus wondered why, if not Dumbledore, hadn't Minerva done something, since she was standing right there. But then of course, the truth doused him like a bucket of icy water.

'She is now a Slytherin. Of course they want nothing to do with her, now that she hasn't become one of their precious Gryffindors.'

It was all up to him now to remedy the situation, and Severus could tell that if he didn't do something now, she might be lost forever.

"But what? " He muttered.

He spared her another glance, only to find that the doors of the Great Hall now held her attention.

Severus could only see her back once again, but he could sense profound loneliness from her. His mind flashed back to his own days at Hogwarts, of how he too had felt after being separated from his only friend. His vision of a red-haired girl overlapped with the one in front of him, and just for a moment, that cleared all the negative thoughts from his mind.

'I can't fail her again.'

Severus knew what to do, and he did so unconsciously, and truly, without regret.

The first clap had been so out of place in the noisy din that it would have gone unnoticed, had Severus not cast a silent charm so that it could be heard.

The object of his ovation had frozen momentarily, then slowly turned in his direction, and Severus didn't need to even need to try to discern her expression, for they had been so plain on her face for the world to see.

Confusion.

Clap.

Surprise.

Clap.

...Hope.

...And the same expression she had when she had been watching him earlier, the one he can't place.

'Gratitude, perhaps? But that still doesn't explain the one from earlier.'

Severus vaguely heard the other Slytherins' applause as they held each other's gaze. He wanted to delve into the girl's mind, but only just refrained from doing that. He shouldn't, not with the other teachers here. He gestured to Draco to come collect his friend, and only watched long enough for him to hop down from the bench. And still, even as he came closer, the girl didn't even spare her friend a glance, still watching him in that manner that Severus didn't find all too uncomfortable. Well, Severus could understand her gratitude, even though she portrayed it through her unblinking stare.

He watched her get practically dragged to her seat, as he came to a decision.

'It seems...I will need to speak with the old man.'

...

Severus sat in his favourite armchair in his chambers. The blazing embers from the fireplace illuminated his half empty bottle of Firewhisky, as he knocked back a glass, its burn dragging down his throat.

His meeting, or rather confrontation, with the headmaster had gone as well as expected. There hadn't been an ounce of concern in the old man's expression as Severus had demanded answers from him. He had only uttered a single sentence.

"Watch her, my boy."

Severus poised to refuse, the rejection at the tip of his tongue. But then he had caught Dumbledore's subtle, but hardened expression, his twinkleless eyes affixed on him. Severus didn't need any verbal answer to know what that look meant.

'Do not question me. Know your place.'

Severus had gulped down whatever questions he had left, whatever scathing retort he could have thrown at the old coot, and just...left.

Yes, Severus knew exactly what his place was. He hadn't forgotten one bit about how he had begged him to use him as a spy, nor had he forgotten what had driven him to do so.

Even now, sitting there by his lonesome, he grimaced as he knocked down another shot.

"She looks just like her father." Dumbledore's eyes had filled with mirth as he had told him that, for what seemed like ages ago, and Severus had recognized the words for what they were: taunts. Taunts which made a mockery of everything he had ever had and lost, like sand slipping through his fingers.

He thought of Lily, of how close they had been, how he'd yearned for her presence over the years, and he felt the truth like a knife stabbing him, and as if that knife was being twisted in his gut.

'You can't lose something you've never had.'

His own words haunted him, as if they were the final words of damnation to a hanged man. The noose of hatred and regret tightened around Severus' neck, choking him, pushing out all happy thoughts he'd tried to convince himself with repeatedly, as if it were his personal Dementor.

"Well, I suppose Dumbledore could pass as one, to me at least." He huffed out a quiet laugh at his own joke.

He topped off the rest of the drink, now feeling more than pleasantly buzzed. He knew that he was going to regret drinking later in the morning, for the span of the few minutes it would take him to locate the Cure for Hangovers potion. Well, he'll deal with that in the morning.

He eyed the unassuming black book on the table next to him, the one he had been ignoring all night. The only evidence of its usage was the marker that had been placed in it delicately, because even though it was a compilation of the child of his worst enemy, even he wasn't such a barbarian as to litter it with slurs.

Please, he was Severus Snape. He had class.

He grabbed the book and flipped to a new page, wordlessly summoning a quill and inkwell. He was about to start writing, but then he hesitated.

What would he write about her anyway?

The last few pages were all about how he thought she'd be, just like her father. But now...

His alcohol-addled mind tried to put together his thoughts as best as it could in that moment, which was not an easy task.

"She looks so much like you, Lily."

He felt himself getting lost in his memories again. He looked down at the book in contemplation, then slowly closed it.

"Not tonight."

...

Severus was glaring as calmly as he could at the stuttering dunderheads, who had interrupted his first class with the first years' on that very day.

He tuned out the half-arsed excuses they were stuttering out. Normally, being alone in the almost empty classroom, with such idiots as these three, would have encouraged him to at least make them run away in tears, but for the time being, his mind was elsewhere.

The Brat had surprised him today. He hadn't expected her to be able to answer any of the questions he'd thrown out, be them simple ones or not. He had just wanted to ignore her existence as best he could while going about his mission.

He thought back to when she was speaking to him, looking at her, all he could see as Lily, over and over again, so much so that he had accidentally let a sincere smile slip. He wondered if it was just a fluke though, and if she could keep up with his Potions class.

A truly unsettling smirk rested on Severus' face, causing the three boys to blissfully shut up.

'Well then, let's see if she can.'

...

She could, apparently.

Every home work he had assigned, she had done to perfection. Every question he had asked in his classes, she had answered with little hesitation. Severus couldn't help but give her subtle praises in his classes for her hard work, making her beam at him.

It was quite a strange expression to see being directed at him of all people, and the first time it had happened, he had to double check to make sure it had been aimed specifically at him. Though not unwelcome, it had taken him aback a few times.

Draco was right about her. She was a weird one, indeed.

...

Severus was again lost in his thoughts after observing the occupants of the Great Hall in front of him, a task which had initially proven to be nigh impossible, because no matter where he looked, trying to find some blank spot he could focus on and tune out everything, his sight had only met the blasted Halloween "decorations", a term he used quite lightly.

The garish decor, in his own opinion, grated his every nerve and made him reach for his wand a few times, only just managing to stop himself just in time. What in the world had happened to the more nightmarish decor they had had in his own school days? Well, at least Dumbledore had the decency to keep the live bats, just for the aesthetic.

He saw The Br-girl -enter the Hall alone, this time without her ever faithful sidekick, Granger.

Severus changed his focus to Draco, whom he saw was adamantly refusing to even spare the girl a glance.

'Ah, they are still fighting, aren't they?'

Severus idly waved away a bat that had gotten too close to him at some point, briefly wondering what Lucius would have to say about his son having a quarrel with The-Girl-Who-Lived, and knowing him, a light scolding was by far the least the boy would be subjected to.

It was almost time for the feast to start. Severus was just waiting for Dumbledore's announcement. But there was something that bothered Severus, though. He looked at the vacant seat next to him.

While Severus would usually welcome the blessed silence, this was far too suspicious for him to ignore. Quirell, as far as Severus knew, was a creature of habit. He was always the first to arrive at mealtimes and the first to leave. Not to mention, he had been acting rather oddly since earlier in the day, almost shifty...

Severus felt dread settle in his stomach. He was so sure that he was missing something, but what could it be?

The doors of the Great Hall slammed open, and in came Quirell, breathless, barely uttering a proper sentence before passing out in a dead faint.

"Troll- in the dungeons- thought you ought to know."

A pin-drop silence enveloped the Great Hall, an Severus saw exactly when the first person panicked, which was, unsurprisingly, one Neville Longbottom.

As Dumbledore was remedying the situation, Draco tore towards his direction at breakneck speed, skidding to a halt so close to Severus that it startled him enough for him to take a step back.

He moved to reprimand the boy, only to stop just short of doing so when he saw the terror on his face. And then he uttered something that made Severus' blood run cold.

"It's Harry, sir. She's gone."

...

Severus felt his heart pound in his throat as he chased the Locator Spell down the unending hallways. He had broken out in cold sweat, and it was only his Occlumency Shields that hadn't let his mind drown him in negative thoughts.

'Please, Merlin, not again.'

He repeated the silent prayer as he ran, blindly following the spell. 

'I can't lose her again.'

A million emotions assaulted him all at once, and from among the worry and despair, laid a quietly simmering anger. 

He skidded around the last corner just in time to hear the sound of something being smashed. And a muffled scream. He dashed to the bathroom door, sliding on the wet stone as he tried to regain his balance.

Severus came upon the scene of the troll bringing its club down on the girl. Her fearful green eyes bulged in terror, so wide that he could see the whites from the doorway.

'Lily!'

His wand followed its master's call and slipped smoothly into his hand. The dull anger that he had been feeling had now evolved into a cold fury, leaving surprisingly calm.

Severus uttered the curses in a manner that could only come from years of practice that had paid him well, and now served their true purpose. His usage of them had settled his churning emotions, in the calming effect of a forbidden lullaby.

The troll was dead before it hit the floor, spraying water-infused blood from the remains of its severed arm.

He felt himself being watched again, for who knows how many times in almost two months, the intensity and familiarity of it making him face the direction it was coming from.

Severus didn't even realize that he had crossed the room in a few steps, hadn't even noticed that he had grabbed the girl and was shaking and scolding her. 

What had stopped him in his tracks, though, was the smile on her blood-drenched face, and the whisper that she had barely gotten out.

"I knew you'd come." 

...

Severus had swiftly retreated to his bedroom that night after his bath. He had refused the offer of dining with Dumbledore, having lost his appetite. 

He had met a few of the other teachers on his way to the infirmary, carefully levitating the two children in front of him.

It was only now, in the privacy of his own bedroom that he truly felt the gravity of the situation that had occurred. He hadn't even realized that he was shaking, until he had held his hands up to inspect them, seeing how much the nerveless fingers twitched.

"I knew you'd come."  The words of reverence echoed in his mind as he recalled the event.

He shook his head to get rid of the thoughts, after all, he shouldn't hold dear the words of a young girl on the verge of fainting.

"I knew you'd come." 

Severus sighed as the words echoed in his mind once more. He could have used Occlumency to block them out, but then again...they felt strangely...nice to hear.

He scoffed in disbelief at that as he laid on his bed, trying not to think further of the matter and get some sleep.

Severus did not sleep a wink that night.

...

"Thank you for coming, my boy." Dumbledore said by way of greeting.

Severus barely refrained from saying: 'As if I had a choice.'

The damn old man had called on him in the middle of the night, out to an unfamiliar corridor, and on his Christmas break, too. Someone had better be dying, or else he was going to be cross.

Dumbledore chuckled when Severus didn't return his greeting.

"It seems like your student is out of bed, my boy."

Severus frowned at him as he looked around the corridor, and in the most polite voice he could say at that moment, asked:

"Well, where is she, then?"

Perhaps, that had not been as polite as he'd thought. Well, the old man deserved it for waking him up, anyway.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he quietly pushed open the door he had been standing in front of, and there Severus saw her tiny sleeping form, pressed so firmly against the only mirror in the room, as if she wanted to merge with it.

Severus recognized the Mirror after a short pause, and felt for the girl.

'She must have seen her parents.'

"I see, Headmaster."

He withdrew his wand and levitated her, careful not to look into the Mirror and fall victim to its thrall once more.

Dumbledore watched him all the while like a hawk, his expression never breaking that twinkling mirth that Severus had come to hate. Severus left him in the room, never looking back even once.

They navigated the winding corridors until they finally arrived in the Slytherin Common Room. The fire burnt low, and the green-tinted moonlight streaming in from the lake outside the massive window cast everything in an eerie glow. Severus watched the girl as she floated in front of him, and in that light, she looked like she had drowned amidst the light, though she merely slept.

He guided her to her dormitory, and to her bed, gently pulling the blanket over her. He didn't see her stir even as he removed her glasses, still careful not to wake her. He then stood and looked her over to make sure that she was comfortable. He turned to leave, making his cloak billow out of habit and felt it snag on something.

Severus allowed himself a brief moment of embarrassment. How many hours had gone into practicing for this to happen so randomly?

He turned to remove his cloak from what it was snagged on, and raised his brows in astonishment.

As it turned out, his cloak had not been snagged on something, rather by someone.

Bleary eyes blinked up at him in the dim light, trying to focus on him. Her sleepy voice reached him in the quiet space.

"Please, don't go."

It took a while for Severus to find his voice.

"Sleep, Miss Potter."

Then, as if his night had already not been going to hell after seeing the old man, the girl started to sob of all things.

"Ple- please don't leave me. Y- you can't go. You can't. You can't leave me, too! Stay? Please?"

Severus felt his mind go blank, and then he had an eureka moment.

'I see. So she thinks I'm her father. She must have seen him in the Mirror.'

While Severus absolutely loathed the bastard, he looked at the girl as he thought.

'...She is also Lily's child.'

Severus heaved a sigh as he conjured a chair next to her bed, and collapsed in it.

'Just this once.'

"Alright. Go to sleep..., Harriet."

She laid down and faced him, staring at him until her eyes started to droop. Severus reached for his wand, to pull her blanket over her once more, and stopped just shy of it. 

He took her blanket and gently tucked it around her.

'Just this once.'