Chapter 5
Van tried. She really did.
But between not smoking or drinking for a week, the cutting got far worse.
They tried to act normal, and it mostly worked. Van slept at Tai’s house a few nights, but when she was at home and lonely, she couldn’t help herself. Between the thoughts pounding in his head, the longing for silence, and the dull angry ache in his chest, it seemed impossible not to cut. A habit of Van’s that Tai remained unaware had returned.
That day, the locker room was almost empty, the air thick with sweat and leftover adrenaline. Most of the team had already cleared out, leaving only the sound of lockers slamming shut and the distant echo of sneakers squeaking across the gym floor.
Natalie was moving on autopilot, shoving her gear into her bag, until something caught her eye, Van, sitting on the bench, bent over to tie their shoes. Their shorts had ridden up, and just above the knee, running up their thigh, were scars. Not just old ones. Fresh ones too.
Natalie froze.
“What the fuck is that?” Her voice came out sharper than she intended, but she didn’t care.
Van glanced up, then immediately yanked their shorts back in place and stood up. “Jesus, Nat.”
“No, don’t ‘Jesus, Nat’ me,” Natalie said, stepping closer. “What the fuck is that?”
“Nothing,” they muttered, grabbing their bag.
Natalie scoffed. “Oh, yeah? Just some fun little decorative slashes on your leg?” She reached out, not to grab them, rather to point, but Van flinched away like she had.
“Can you drop it?” Van spoke through gritted teeth.
“No,” Natalie snapped.
Van exhaled sharply through his nose, shaking his head. “It’s not a big deal.”
Natalie felt something hot rise in her chest. “Not a big deal?” She lowered her voice, like that would help. “Van, you told me you weren’t doing this anymore.”
They shrugged. “I’m not. Mostly.”
That did it. Natalie ran a hand through her hair, letting out a frustrated laugh. “You’re fucking kidding me.”
Van rolled their eyes and moved toward the door, but Natalie stepped in front of them. “I have to tell Tai.”
Van’s expression darkened. “No, you fucking don’t.”
“She’s your girlfriend, dude.” Natalie threw up her hands. “She should know.”
“She’s also already worried about me,” Van shot back. “You think I don’t fucking know that? You think I don’t see the way she looks at me whenever I crack a joke that’s even a little too dark?”
“Maybe because she loves you,” Natalie said. “Maybe because she wants you to be okay..”
“Yeah, well, so do you,” Van said, voice dripping with sarcasm. “And look how fun this is.”
Natalie’s jaw clenched. “Oh, I’m sorry, do you want me to not give a shit? I’m supposed to act like you? Like nothing matters?
Van scoffed, stepping back like they needed space between them. “I want you to mind your fucking business.”
“No.” Natalie’s voice was firm. “No, I’m not gonna just sit here and pretend like it’s all fine. We got so used to fucking ourselves up together, and now you’re trying to quit that for Tai, which y’know- great for you, but this is still happening? You think she wouldn’t want to know?”
Van flinched again, just barely, just a flicker, but Natalie caught it.
“Tai makes me better, okay?” Van said, quieter now. “I don’t want to give her a reason to think I’m too fucked up to handle.”
Natalie felt her stomach twist. “Van…”
“Just don’t, okay?” Their voice was strained, like they were barely holding it together. “Please, Nat. Don’t tell her.”
Natalie swallowed.
This was Van. Their best friend. The person they’d done stupid, reckless shit with since freshman year. The person who had their back every single time.
But this wasn’t just some dumb mistake. This wasn’t just sneaking out to drink warm beer behind the bleachers.
This was Van hurting himself. And Natalie had no idea how to stop it.
“I can’t promise that,” she finally said.
Van let out a short, humorless laugh. “Then fuck you Nat.”
They shouldered past her, shoving the locker room door open so hard it slammed against the wall.
Natalie didn’t follow. She just stood there, heart pounding, knowing that no matter what she did, someone was going to get hurt.
Van met Tai at the front of the school, the cool outside air hit their overheated skin in an instant.
Tai smiled, “Hey-” she did a double take of Van’s reddened cheeks and puffy eyes “What’s wrong, are you alright?”
Van sighed and looked to her feet, ”I really can’t right now Tai. I’m- I’m not good.”
Tai chewed her bottom lip, concern etched into every part of her face “I’m sorry V. Is there anything I can do?”
Van swallowed hard, gripping the hem of their shirt like it could keep them from unraveling. “I’m… I just…” Their voice wavered, and they shut their eyes for a second, trying to steady themself. “I don’t know what to do.”
Tai nodded solemnly, waiting. She didn’t push, didn’t demand answers, but her presence was steady, grounding. Van wanted to step into it, to let Tai pull them in and tell them everything was going to be okay, but they didn’t believe that right now.
Tai reached out, hesitating for only a second before taking Van’s hand, squeezing their fingers gently. “Whatever it is, we can figure it out,” she said.
Van exhaled shakily, squeezing back just a little.
For a second, they almost said everything. That Nat had seen. That Nat wanted to tell Tai. That the thought of Tai knowing, really knowing everything, terrified them in a way nothing else did.
But the words stuck in their throat.
Instead, they let out a humorless laugh, shaking their head. “I got into it with Nat,” they muttered.
Tai frowned. “What happened?”
Van hesitated, then shrugged, forcing their voice to stay even. “Just—she’s being a pain in the ass. You know how she is.”
Tai didn’t look convinced. “Van—”
“Can we not do this right now?” Van cut in, glancing away. Their chest felt tight, like there was something pressing down on them, like if they stayed in this conversation too long, they’d break apart completely.
Tai studied them for a long moment, then nodded. “Okay,” she said quietly “I’ll leave it.”
They stood there for a few seconds, neither of them speaking. Then Tai gave their hand another squeeze. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s just go.”
Van didn’t ask where. Didn’t care. They just let Tai lead them away from the school, away from everything, hoping that maybe, just for a little while, it would be enough.