Chapter 4
Van woke up in Tai's bed.
She was alone, with no idea how she had got there. But he knew alcohol was involved because of the stabbing headache that hit as soon as he sat up. "God Fucking Damnit-"
"Watch that mouth Ms. Palmer!" Tai's mom appeared in the doorway with a laundry baskt. "Mrs. Turner- I'm sorry I didn't-"
Ms. Turner laughed softly, "I'll let you off this time. Oh and you're welcome to stay until your mother is well again."
Van perked her brow "My mother?"
"Taissa told me about her flu! We wouldn't want you catching it would we?" she spoke while coming into the room, setting a neatly folded stack of clothes at the end of Tai's bed. "Ah yes-" Van picked up Tai's lie quickly "It's just killing her! She's practically stuck to the couch."
"Mom!" Tai appeared behind her mother, "Thanks for the laundry, I can handle it." She attempted to subtly rush her mom out.
"Okay okay, I'll leave you girls alone, gosh I miss being your age. I just loved gabbing with my girl-friends!" She smiled, and the two lesbian in front of her held back their laughter.
"Oh yeah Tai is the best girlfriend i've got-" Van joked with a smirk, receiving a sharp glare from Tai.
Ms. Turner smiled obliviously and ducked out of the room, shutting the door behind her.
Van immediately wished Ms. Turner hadn't left when he found himself alone with Tai. A tension filled the room, making the air thick and hard to inhale.
Tai sat in the bed next to Van, "How do you feel?"
"Uhh not great." Van rubbed their head, "Gonna need to nurse this headache."
Tai's eyes flickered with a tinge of pain, "But how do you.. feel?
"I don't.. I don't know." Van spoke truthfully "I'm confused I guess."
Tai tilted her head "What do you remember from last night?"
"I.. I was freaking out so I got drunk and then I... I was at Nat's wasn't I?"
Tai nodded, biting her lip hard "Do you remember us talking?"
Van's eyes went wider, and she shook her head. Tai put her hand on Van's arm, lightly rubbing circles with her thumb. "You told me some things.." Van stayed quiet, too scared of the answers to ask any questions.
Tai took a deep breath, "You said-"
"Whatever I said I was clearly very drunk!" Van exclaimed, inerrupting Tai.
"Van." Tai looked at them with a pitiful sadness, not willing to pretend to not know "Why do you want to kill yourself?"
Van's breath got caught in his chest. "I dont- I was drunk I just-"
"On the way here... you said you've tried before." Tai continued to push.
Van was quiet. She stared at Tai's wall. She said nothing.
"Van I need you to tell me the truth. I want to help you." Tai pleaded, grabbing van's hands and lovingly squeezing them.
Van squeezed back, "Just.. let me think for a second.." she spoke softly, almost as timid as she was on the phone. "I.. hate myself a lot. I hate that I can't just be happy. Tai nodded, holding their hands and listening.
"The hate.. it just eats me alive. I like to replace it with stuff that makes me feel good, or feel anything. Like drinking or smoking or..” She couldn’t voice her third vice just yet, “and yes I know its stupid I just.. I won't pretend it doesn't kinda work. For a little bit at least." Tai frowned, gripping tighter. "It just feels inevitable."
"What does?" Tai's voice shook.
"That I'll do it. That I'll take my moms pills and wash them down with liquor, or i'll jump onto the rocks, or cut too deep again or-"
Tai tensed up "Too deep again?"
"Don't act like you believed the story about the fence post.." Van referenced the long straight scar on her forearm, the one that had almost killed her many years ago when Tai was just a friend she had a crush on. It was the scar she told everyone came from a run-in with a fencepost on an adventure.
"Jesus Van, how have you kept this to yourself for so long?” Tai's heart hurt for them, along with a tinge of betrayal, she wondered if maybe she didn’t know Van as well as she thought she did.
“I just did. I don't know. I just... I feel like theres always gonna be a side of me that I have to keep everyone safe from.” Van wiped her eyes, trying to dry them before the tears could become real, “I can’t help what I need and I need to do the stuff i do. It’s how I stay alive..”
“You stay alive by almost killing yourself?” Tai laughed, not cause it was funny, but it just sounded unreal. Van couldn’t help but laugh along, “No but yes. Emphasis on the almost part.”
Tai’s laugh faded, and her smile flipped “I’m scared Van.”
“I don’t want you to be.” Van caressed tai’s cheek, “that’s why I have to just figure shit out on my own.”
Tai frowned “As if that’s doing you any good..”
Van pulled away, “Hey. I’m trying alright? You don’t know how hard i’m trying. Every single day i’m trying. When I get out of bed i’m trying.”
“You’re right,” Tai nodded “I don’t know. But I want to. I need you to just…” Tai sighed, wanting nothing more than Van’s honesty “I won’t tell you what to do. Just.. please try to tell me how you’re feeling.”
“I’ll try.”