Chapter 1
The team had stayed late at school for a scrimmage, and the sky was a deep wine sunset when they finally left the field. Tai walked beside Van, hands shoved deep in her jacket pockets. The air was cool, crisp, carrying the scent of damp earth and woodsmoke from some far-off fire. Van, as usual, was talking, spinning some wild story about the time she almost got arrested for sneaking into a concert.
“I swear, Tai, I was this close to getting caught,” Van said, holding their fingers barely an inch apart. “But then this security dude—who, by the way, totally had a mullet—turned his back for one second, and boom! I was over the fence and in the pit before he even knew what hit him.”
Tai snorted. “You have the worst luck with security guards.”
“I know, right?” Van grinned, kicking a rock down the dirt path. “It’s like they sense me.”
Tai studied them out of the corner of her eye. Van was buzzing.. talking fast, eyes bright, movements a little too loose. It wasn’t just excitement. Lately, it never was.
“You’ve been drinking, haven’t you?” Tai asked, her voice careful and timid.
Van let out an exaggerated gasp. “Me? Never.”
“Van.” Tai frowned.
“Okay, maybe a little,” Van admitted, smirking. “But in my defense, Nat had a bottle stashed under the bleachers, and it felt rude to say no.”
Tai exhaled through her nose heavily “And the smoking?”
“What, are you my mom now? Sniffing my clothes when I walk in?” Van scoffed “As if my mom would be sober enough to do that anyways-“ she trailed off, kicking rocks.
Tai didn’t answer. She just kept walking, Van’s trailer park coming into view in the distance. It made her uneasy leaving Van alone there. She didn’t know why, maybe it was the fact that Van was totally alone at home, even when his mom was around. Or maybe it was Van’s constant access to alcohol at home due to her mom.
Van nudged her out of her thoughts. “Relax, Tai. I’m fine.” Tai wanted to believe her. But lately, “fine” sounded more like a cover than the truth.
”I don’t think you are fine.” Tai muttered under her breath.
Van stopped in her tracks “What am I then Tai?”
“I don’t know,” Tai frowned, looking into Van’s eyes, eyes that flared with a fire she barely recognized in that moment “something is just different with you lately. You don’t seem happy.”
“Well fuck Tai, I’m sorry I’m not happy to live in this shitty town full of shitty people that hate who we are.” Van scoffed, starting to walk towards her trailer again.
“Van-“ Tai followed, “I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t have to be happy all the time, I just want to understand-“ she reached out and put a hand on Van’s arm.
“Well you don’t.” Van turned back, ripping her arm away “Clearly you don’t.”
“It’s not like you’re trying to help me understand.” Tai spoke through a clenched jaw.
“I can’t fucking deal with this Tai!” he yelled, shocked by not only the volume of his voice but also the look in Tai’s eyes. A look of fear. “Tai- I’m sorry. It’s just.. I’m fine.” Van’s eyes were glossy and dull as she pleaded “Please just trust me.”
Tai didn’t. But she nodded, pulling in Van for a tight hug, the kind Tai was scared to let go of. “I love you a lot.. okay?”Tai quietly whispered as she ran her hands through Van’s long hair.
“I love you too. I’m… I’m gonna go inside. Get home safe Tai.” Van kissed Tai’s forehead, a kiss with a plausible deniability of being platonic if anyone happened to be watching.
Tai lingered for a second, like she wanted to say something, but instead, she just sighed. “Get some sleep, Van,” she said softly.
“Call me when you’re home.” Van smiled at Tai as she turned away, but it was clearly forced, and looked nearly painful. Tai hesitated, feeling a dark pit of dread in her stomach, then turned and walked away, her silhouette disappearing into the dark.
Van stood there for a moment before heading inside. The house was quiet, too quiet. The air felt thick, stale, like a space that hadn’t been lived in properly for a while. She dropped her jacket on the floor, kicking off her shoes, and made a beeline for the bathroom.
They didn’t think about it much. That was the thing. It wasn’t a big dramatic decision, it was muscle memory now, as easy as taking a drink, as easy as laughing something off. She turned on the faucet, letting the water run just for the noise, just to fill the silence. Then she opened the drawer, grabbing the blade she knew well.
Tonight, that edge of nothingness inside him felt too sharp, and he needed something to dull it down.
She took to her upper thigh, trying not to think of how horrified Tai would be to see what she’d been doing to herself.