Chapter 2
Under the bleachers, the air was thick with the smell of weed and the fading remnants of a school day. Van exhaled slowly, watching the smoke curl into the evening air, a moment of calm amidst the chaos of their thoughts. Nat sat next to her, the two of them sharing a quiet silence, the kind that felt almost comfortable despite the tension hanging between them.
Van took another drag, her eyes half-closed as she passed the joint to Nat. “You ever just… feel like everything’s kinda pointless?”
Nat looked over at them, their expression unreadable. She didn’t answer right away, taking the joint and inhaling deeply before exhaling a thick cloud of smoke. “Yeah, all the time,” she said quietly, eyes tracing the empty field beyond the bleachers. “Sometimes it feels like we’re just going through the motions, you know?”
Van nodded, her fingers tightening around the joint. “I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Everything’s just…” She trailed off, her voice trailing into nothing. She couldn’t even find the words. Everything felt too heavy to talk about.
Nat looked at her, a knowing look in her eyes. She knew that weight. It wasn’t something Van had to explain. “I get it,” Nat said softly. “But it’s gotta suck for you, right? Hiding who you are, especially with Tai. I mean, you’re not the only one keeping shit locked up, but damn…” She exhaled again, her words lingering in the air. “Must feel like a lot.”
Van tensed at the mention of Tai, her throat tightening. She looked down, kicking a small pebble across the dirt beneath their feet. “Yeah, it’s a lot. I love her, but it’s… it’s not easy, you know? Having to act like everything’s normal. Pretend I’m someone I’m not just to keep her safe from all the shit people would throw at us.”
Nat could feel the weight of Van’s words hanging in the air, and for a moment, she wished she could reach out and take that burden from her. But she knew better than anyone that sometimes people had to carry their pain alone, even when they weren’t ready to share it. “And your whole… butch thing?” Nat continued, her voice gentle. “I mean, that’s gotta be just as exhausting, hiding parts of yourself that you can’t even explain to anyone.”
Van’s jaw tightened. He took another drag, holding the smoke in his lungs longer than he probably should have before exhaling. “Yeah, it’s like… I don’t know. I’ve always been this way, but it’s like no one gives you room to just be. I’m not a girl, I’m not a guy. I’m just me. And it’s like… people just don’t get it.” His voice faltered for a moment, the bitterness creeping in. “And I’m tired of pretending, but I don’t know how to stop.”
Nat exhaled slowly, her gaze softening. “I don’t think either of us really knows how to stop pretending. But maybe, just for a second, we don’t have to hide it from each other, right?” She passed the joint back to Van, giving her a small, understanding smile. “We’re both a little fucked up, but maybe that’s okay.”
Van let out a soft laugh, “Yeah, guess we are. But thanks… for not being a total dick about it.”
Nat smiled back, the quiet between them settling into something comfortable. “I don’t do fake sympathy. Just here if you need someone who gets it.” Nat took a swig of the bottle that had sat beside her, “Hey, how about you and Tai come meet me at the quarry tonight?”
Taissa didn’t want to go, but she said yes for Vans sake, thinking if she was there at least Van wouldn’t get totally plastered.
Van had always been good at pretending. Pretending they were fine. Pretending she could take anything. She could handle pain, loss, abandonment whatever the universe threw at her. She could bounce back, laugh it off. Because what was the alternative? Let it swallow her whole? That was never an option.
So when she knocked back her fourth (or maybe fifth?) shot in ten minutes, she barely felt it. The fire in her throat, the warmth in her chest, it wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough.
“Bet you won’t jump,” Natalie said, smirking as she took a drag from her cigarette.
They were perched at the edge of the quarry, a place kids always swore was cursed, or haunted, or just plain dangerous. The water below stretched out in the darkness, still as glass, swallowing the moonlight. It was at least fifty feet down. Maybe more.
Van swayed a little, grinning. “You think I’m scared?”
“I think you’re wasted,” Tai said through a tight jaw, “And that you make some really bad choices when you’re wasted.”
Van scoffed, peeling off her hoodie. The air was sharp against her skin, but she barely felt it. “It’s just water.”
“It’s rocks, dumbass.” Nat’s voice had a teasing edge, but there was something else underneath it “Don’t be stupid, I was kidding.”
Van ignored it. “I can make it.”
“Or you could fucking die,” Nat muttered.
Van stepped closer to the edge. The gravel shifted under her sneakers. The air felt different here, thinner, lighter. If she just leaned forward—
“Van.”
The voice sliced through her haze, clear and sharp.
Van barely had time to turn before Tai was there, grabbing her arm and yanking her back so hard she almost stumbled.
“The fuck are you doing?” Tai’s voice was low and tight, her fingers digging into Van’s arm. Her eyes were wide, dark with something Van couldn’t quite place.
Van yanked her arm back. “Jesus, Tai, chill.”
“Chill?” Tai repeated, voice rising. “Chill? You were about to fucking jump—”
“It’s a dare,” Van shot back, rolling her eyes. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s fifty feet onto fucking rocks!” Tai’s voice cracked, something raw slipping through. “What is wrong with you?”
“Relax,” Van muttered. “I can handle it.”
Nat exhaled slowly. “Can you?”
Van’s stomach twisted, but she kept her smirk in place. “Oh, so now you’re both my moms?”
“Jesus Christ,” Tai muttered, running a hand over her face. Then she looked back at Van, and something in her expression changed. “You really don’t give a shit, do you?”
Van forced a laugh. “Why, do you?”
Tai flinched like she’d been hit.
Silence stretched between them. The air felt heavier now. The only sound was the distant ripple of water below, the wind rustling through the trees.
Tai’s voice was quiet when she spoke. “Not anymore.”
Van’s stomach dropped. “What?”
“I can’t do this, Van.” Tai’s voice was steady, but there was something breaking underneath. “I can’t keep watching you try to destroy yourself and pretend it’s a fucking joke.”
Van’s grin faltered. “You’re being dramatic—”
“No, you are.” Tai’s eyes burned. “You think this is funny? You think this is just some dumb dare? Because it’s not. It’s you standing on the edge of something, and I don’t even think you care if you fall.”
Something twisted in Van’s chest, something ugly and sharp. “That’s why you’re breaking up with me? Because I took a fucking dare?”
Tai shook her head, stepping back. “This isn’t the problem, Van. It’s just the part I can’t ignore anymore.”
Silence again.
Van wanted to say something. Anything. That he was fine. That it wasn’t that deep. That sometimes he just needed to feel like he could do something reckless, just to prove she was still here, alive at all. But Tai wouldn’t believe her. Hell, Van didn’t even believe herself anymore.
Tai’s voice softened. “I love you, Van.” A pause. “But I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be here with me.”
Van swallowed hard, her throat burning. “That’s not—”
But Tai was already walking away.
Van stood there, watching her go, the night suddenly colder, emptier.
Nat sighed, flicking her cigarette into the darkness. “Fuck, dude.”
Van let out a shaky breath, staring down at the water.
“Yeah. Fuck.”