Sapling.
“Bye Betsy!” Lisa calls out as she’s just heading out the door, making her way over to Carla’s studio for 8pm.
Betsy had raised a questioning eyebrow as she watched her mother head out the door, a smirk adorned her face. She was delighted that her mum was going out for the night, even if it wasn’t necessarily a social event or a night spent with friends.
Betsy had spent the last three years watching her mum slowly recoil into herself. She was sure she was lonely - but Betsy knew her mum would never admit it, and even though she knew her mum had Kit and Ryan, and their casual Friday night drinks, Betsy couldn’t help but think her mum was missing something else, someone else.
Don’t get me wrong, it hurt Betsy a lot to ever think of her mum meeting someone new, loving someone other than Bex, Betsy’s other mother, but Betsy had grown up to learn how hard her mum loved. How fiercely she loved and how big her heart was, and Betsy knew that her mum wouldn’t just settle for anyone. They’d have to be pretty special to even get a look in.
Carla’s already waiting for Lisa as she arrives at the studio. As Lisa steps in to the open space, she takes in the familiar surroundings from Monday night, although what greets her is a stark contrast to what she expected.
The large room is softly lit and a warm scent of lavender floats around the atmosphere. There are a few candles flickering in each corner of the room and Carla has created a soft and welcoming space in the centre of the room. There’s sheets, blankets, pillows and cushions delicately and carefully placed with such tender care. There’s low sounding melodies to add to the safe environment, softening the silence between them.
Lisa feels a sense of freedom and warmth as she steps into the space that Carla has created. She’s dressed in a loose-fitting t-shirt and sweatpants, with her golden blonde hair pushed up into a messy bun. A stark contrast to her usual work attire.
Carla assesses Lisa as she watches the blonde step cautiously into the room, a gym bag tossed over her shoulder. Carla’s taken aback by the light that shines from the blonde and wonders if it’s at all possible that she could be two different people - such a difference from the sleek, sharp suit and tight bun that she’d witnessed on Monday night. Although their drinks together had certainly released a softer side to the mysterious blonde.
Carla cleared her throat as Lisa walked up to greet her, a shy smile and a tinge of pink in her cheeks. Carla had never had a problem before in being professional, undistracted, but something about Lisa was entirely captivating. Her heartbeat quickened unexpectedly as the intimacy of her own safe space she’d created for Lisa takes hold and for a moment, makes her feel seen and vulnerable too.
“Hi” they both breathe out after as they greet each other with a warm smile. Nervousness lingers in the air between them both but Carla’s calming presence soon envelopes them.
Carla invites Lisa to sit with her on the blankets and cushions in the space she’s created, encouraging Lisa to sit face-to-face with her, all whilst making sure she is comfortable too.
“I was thinking we could just start off lightly, with a chat. I’d like to know if you have any intentions of what you’d like to gain from this session, any goals? It’s a safe space Lisa, anything you share with me is in complete confidence and if you feel comfortable enough, I’d like you to share if you have any apprehensions or fears about today too.”
Lisa swallows hard as she listens to each word fall from Carla’s lips. Lisa hesitates and for a moment remains quiet as she gathers the thoughts that are swirling around her brain. Carla watches her intently, but every so often averts her gaze so the blonde doesn’t feel overwhelmed. Carla wants her to know that she’s interested in her intentions, goals, fears and uses her expression to encourage openness, but at the same time doesn’t want Lisa to feel pressured in any way.
“I- I have to admit this is a bit out of my comfort zone.” Lisa announces, a little sheepish.
“Just take your time. There’s no pressure Lisa. If you’re not ready to share, we can try something else first if you’d like? But I want to do my best for you, and so may I ask for a little something at least to go off.” Carla smiled gently at Lisa and Lisa felt an overwhelming sense of safety from Carla. She felt an urge to want to open up, but hesitation set in and so she somewhat held back, but offered what she could.
“I don’t really know what to expect or what to gain, but I suppose I’d like to try and be open to anything. I’d like to feel safe most importantly. I-“ Lisa pauses momentarily as she hears her own voice breaking.
Carla shuffles a little closer. Wondering if perhaps that’s enough sharing from the blonde for the moment and doesn’t push or press any further. They could always explore intentions, goals and fears along the way.
“Thank you for sharing that with me, Lisa. I get it can’t have been easy.” Carla’s offers her an empathetic look, careful to not get her own emotions mixed in with sympathy. It’s really important to Carla that her clients know she understands and reasons with their feelings, but that she stays clear of feeling sorry for them as she wants them to feel strength and empowerment.
“Okay, so I’d like to start with a simple breathing excerise.” Carla encourages. “Close your eyes for me and I want you to engage in some long, slow, deep breaths, holding it there and on the count of three, releasing it. Allow your body to let go, to feel free from any tension.”
Carla begins the simple exercise with Lisa, who has her eyes tight shut. Lisa initially finds it a challenge to quiet her racing thoughts and let go of the tension in her body. She tries to separate herself from her life, her demanding job, her fraught relationship with Betsy, her grief and she tries to solely focus on Carla’s voice. The softness of her tone, and it provides some kind of relief, some sense of comfort, but Lisa finds it hard to completely let go.
Carla, sure that her expression looks as though if she screws her face up any tighter, her head might explode. Sensing the blonde’s struggle, Carla moves quietly with added grace, trying to find a balance between offering comfort and respecting Lisa’s boundaries. Carla felt drawn to Lisa, compelled to want to help her.
Carla settles close behind Lisa, careful not to startle her as she continues to use her voice to soothe Lisa. “Just breathe, Lisa.” Carla continues as she softly encourages Lisa to sit up straight, gently guiding her arms outwards with a tender touch that reassures Lisa. “Let my voice carry you deeper into this moment.” Carla whispers softly.
Lisa can sense movement - she’s not daft. She’s built to know things and admittedly she does feel a little more nervous, but she pushes it away. Allows her body to feel Carla’s presence, allows herself to follow Carla’s instruction, strong hands rest gently on her shoulders as she’s beckoned to sit upright. Caught up in another world almost, The closeness is strangely comforting and so she surrenders to trusting the process and the beautiful woman who’s guiding her.
Carla feels Lisa gently move towards her, begins to fall into her almost so Carla re-adjusts Lisa’s posture with her hands, settling them on the blonde’s hips delicately before scooting further into her, almost as if it had been a silent invitation from Lisa.
“Inhale deeply through your nose, hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth.”
Lisa did, as she was asked. She felt the warmth of Carla’s breath in her ear, the warmth of her body behind her envelope her. She felt the weight of her worries start to lighten; she imagined the dark clouds of stress and anxiety evaporate with each inhale and exhale.
Carla felt the tension in Lisa’s body start to ease, as she felt her muscles relax into her. “That’s it Lisa, just let go.” Carla encouraged, her voice soft and warm.
The sound and feel of Carla around her made a sanctuary almost, a space where she could finally confront all the shadows of her demons without judgment. Lisa thinks about losing Bex, about Betsy; about how frail and fraught their relationship is, but Lisa hopes that with Carla’s help with her internal fighting, she and Betsy can start to build on something new.
Carla sensed a shift in Lisa’s energy and wondered exactly what was going on in the blonde woman’s head; what else was troubling her; what demons she was fighting?
“Lisa, I want you to visualise a light. Let it wash over you, let it fill you with peace and warmth. Let it shine brighter than anything else that you’re fighting.” Carla continued, her soft voice guiding Lisa as her body and mind battled and fought within and against itself.
Lisa found herself melting into Carla’s hold, almost. As if in some way this woman, this incredible woman could protect her from all manner of things.
However, as Carla guided her through one last deep breath, encouraging her to imagine on the final release, she was letting go of all the negative energy, all the pent-up emotion, it scared Lisa how safe she had felt in that moment; how safe she felt with Carla. Lisa actually felt somewhat free - it wasn’t just free from the weight of the lonely weekend, or free from the tension that she held in her body since Friday night; it was almost as if she was free from everything.
So as Lisa opened her eyes, she felt reality come crashing back. She’d allowed herself to feel free, to feel comfort, to feel a whole lot more than she bargained for and she panicked as she was acutely aware of the closeness of the beautiful woman that still remained behind her. Hands still resting on her hips; bodies still pressed together.
Panic rises in her chest and Lisa instinctively stands up, stammering out an apology as she rushes out the studio.
“I’m so sorry, I have to go.” Her words tumbled out in a mixture of confusion and urgency as Carla watched on, concern etched on her face. Carla instinctively knew not to go after her, she knew that following Lisa or pushing her to open up wasn’t the right thing. She didn’t know Lisa all that well, but she’d learnt she was different, very quickly. Carla saw a strength in Lisa that very few people held, but also a fragility that was borderline on breaking point. But she also knew not to go after Lisa, because Lisa would come back soon - if not for the car keys that had fallen out her pocket, lying on the floor underneath the chair.
Carla did hope however, that she hadn’t pushed Lisa too hard, but understood that the journey to self-discovery could be daunting.
Once Lisa was outside, her adrenaline began to fade and her mind raced as she reached for her car keys, searching her pockets frantically only to find they were no where to be seen. Panic set in again as she shook her head and cursed herself. Bracing herself having to walk back into the studio to face Carla; no, she didn’t fancy her meditation coach, don’t be so ridiculous.
As Lisa poked her head through the door, the atmosphere felt different. Softer, more intimate. Carla looked up as she heard the door creak open and Lisa’s head peek inside; a mixture of relief and concern washing over her. “Hey, are you okay?” Carla asked gently, making her way toward Lisa but remaining a safe distance apart, not wanting to overwhelm Lisa any more than she already felt.
“I-I forgot my keys,” Lisa admitted bashfully, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.
Carla handed them out to Lisa, encouraging her silently to come back into the room. Lisa moved closer to Carla, “I’m so sorry for running out like that,” Lisa admitted.
“Don’t worry Lisa, I totally understand. It can be a lot to handle, especially when starting something new.” Carla’s expression softened and Lisa felt the tension in her shoulders dissipate as Carla’s understanding washed over her like a warm embrace.
“Thank you for being so patient with me,” Lisa said with a soft smile as she stepped closer to Carla to retrieve her keys from the brunette, their fingers brushing together as she did so.
“Maybe next time I’ll walk you through a grounding exercise before we start?” Carla suggested, unsure if she’d even see Lisa again, let alone be able to help her again.
“I’d love that, thank you…if you’ll have me again?” Lisa asked gently, shyly.
“Of course.” Carla smile was full of warmth and the air changed between them, charged.
As Lisa left the studio, she felt warmer, lighter, but still had a sense of trepidation as her heart raced. Seeing Carla again confirmed her suspicions; she definitely did fancy her meditation coach.
Oh boy.