Lessons in Self-Defence

“£2.50 please, DS Swain,” Shona says as she passes the large black coffee for takeaway across the counter to Lisa.

“Thanks, but please, call me Lisa,” she says as she rummages in her coat pocket for her purse, before coming to the realisation that she can picture her purse—at home—on the kitchen counter, right where she was supposed to pick it up on her way out.

Lisa was having a nightmare of a day already. Betsy hadn’t been ready when she was supposed to be and so was late to college, only adding to Lisa’s frustration as she’d read the letter this morning from Betsy’s college informing her that Betsy’s attendance and lateness combined had dropped to under 90%—all completely unbeknownst to Lisa. A conversation that Lisa needed to have at some point soon with her daughter. To add to Lisa’s day, she’d been swamped with paperwork that her colleagues beneath her had taken a back seat to, and she’d been warned by her DCI that she needed to get a grip on her team, her paperwork, and her workload. So Lisa knew already that today would be entirely spent in the office, catching up, rather than focusing on the real cases that mattered. And now, to top it all off, she couldn’t even buy her much-needed black coffee that she’d stopped by for to wake her up after her third consecutive night of lack of sleep.

“Sorry, Shona. I’ll have to leave it; I’ve left my purse at home. Sorry for the trouble,” Lisa said, deflated. But just as she was about to turn on her heel to leave, she could smell that familiar scent of her perfume.

Carla leaned around Lisa, who was seemingly frozen to the spot. Lisa could feel the heat in her body rise as her cheeks flushed at Carla’s smell, the sound of her voice, and the way she so easily leaned around her to reach the card reader Shona had been holding out.

“It’s alright, Shona; I’ve got this,” Carla said as she paid for Lisa’s coffee before Shona took her own order.

“Thanks, Carla,” Lisa whispered as she found her voice. “I’ll pay you back.”

“No need. Just have that coffee with me instead?” Carla asked, a soft smile playing on her lips. However, the heat continued to burn through Lisa’s cheeks, and she knew she had to get out of here.

“I can’t. I’ve got to go. Thanks for the coffee, Carla. You’re a lifesaver.”

Carla just stood there, smirking as she watched the blonde step away from her, grabbing her coffee before making a swift exit from Roy’s café.

“One second, Shona—” Carla said, holding her order as she dashed out to chase after Lisa, not willing to let the brief interaction settle.

“Lisa, wait,” Carla called after her.

“Yeah?”

“Feel free to tell me to butt out, but are you okay?” Carla asked, her voice laced with concern.

“You know, you’re the only one who ever asks me that,” Lisa snapped as she made her way around to the driver’s side of her car.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Carla replies softly.

Lisa’s tone remains unchanged. “No, it’s fine. It’s called being a copper.”

A smile pulls at Carla’s lips. “Alright, so, are you okay, officer?”

Lisa sighs heavily. “It’s difficult; I’m just—” Lisa takes a breath. “Do you know what? You don’t want to hear all of this.” Lisa turned on her heel, opening her car door.

“Don’t jump to conclusions. Isn’t that what they taught you in police college?” Carla quipped back.

“Clearly, I wasn’t paying much attention that day,” Lisa replied before climbing into her car and quickly driving off.

Lisa was neck-deep in paperwork at her desk, and all she could think about was how Carla had kindly paid for the black coffee she so desperately needed and how she had thrown it back in Carla’s face, metaphorically, of course.

Lisa picked up her phone, scrolled to Carla’s number, and drafted a text message.

Hi Carla, I’m so sorry about earlier. Can I make it up to you? L x

Lisa put her phone in the drawer next to her in a desperate attempt to put off watching and waiting for a reply from Carla—not that she deserved one after the way she’d acted earlier. But it wasn’t long before she heard the vibrations of a message coming through in her desk drawer, so without hesitation, she grabbed her phone back to take a look.

Lisa, it’s fine. No harm done. I’ve been thinking about you, though—I do actually want to know if you are okay? C x

No, it’s not fine, Carla, and I am sorry. I really would like to make it up to you. L x

I’m free tonight, so have a drink with me. C x

It wasn’t as much as a question as it was a statement. To the point. 

I don’t want to be an inconvenience and take up your evening. I couldn’t ask that of you. L x

What makes you think you’d be an inconvenience? You’re not asking; I’m offering, and if I’m honest, I’d like to see you. C x

I’d like to see you too… But let me provide the wine and the hospitality, okay? L x

I’m not going to argue over free wine. 😉 C x

I’ll text you my address later; it might be late, though. I’m swamped at work. 😪 L x

Late is fine as long as you don’t push yourself too hard. I don’t want you undoing all my hard work! 😉 I’ll see you tonight; I’m looking forward to it. C x 

Lisa smiled as she read Carla’s last text. Feeling a little flutter of butterflies in her stomach at the thought of spending a portion of her night with Carla. 

It was around 8 PM when Carla arrived at Lisa’s; Lisa once again feeling like she was apologising to Carla for being “a pain in the arse.”

When Lisa opened the door, Carla was pleasantly surprised to see the blonde looking more relaxed, and in fact comfortable and quite radiant, the way her hair cascaded down her shoulders.

“At least you’re a pretty pain in the arse,” Carla said before stepping inside. “These are for you,” Carla offered, handing Lisa a bottle of red wine and a beautifully wrapped box of chocolates.

“For me?” Lisa asked skeptically, unsure she’d heard Carla right.

“Yeah, well…” Carla started, but found herself to be the one blushing this time.

“You do know it should be me treating you, and I said I’d supply the wine…” Lisa returned as she retreated to the cupboard for two wine glasses and brought out the bottle she’d bought on the way home from work.

“Well, we’ll save mine for next time, shall we?” Carla offered with a smile.

“Okay,” Lisa replied, finding herself blushing this time as she poured two wine glasses and gestured for Carla to follow her through to the front room.

“So, are you going to tell me what today was all about?” Carla was quick to the point.

Lisa sighed heavily, checking behind and through to the hallway to make sure Betsy wasn’t lurking anywhere.

“Hey, Lisa—” Carla said gently, placing her hand on the blonde’s thigh as a small gesture, encouraging Lisa to be open with her.

“Sorry, sorry—” Lisa said as she turned back to face Carla. “Just checking Betsy wasn’t nearby listening in. You don’t mind, do you? That she’s here—”

“Lisa, she’s your daughter. Why would I mind? It was my choice to agree to come here, because I wanted to see you. I wanted to check in on you, and I’m glad that you let me,” Carla said gently.

“I’ve just had a nightmare of a day; Betsy was late to college today, but I also got a letter this morning saying her attendance and lateness combined have dropped to less than 90%, so she’s dangerously close to being kicked out if she doesn’t pull it together soon. Then the officers on my team haven’t been pulling their weight, so I’ve had an earful from my DCI too, and I just feel—” Lisa took a breath, “I just feel so out of control with everything, you know? I had that incident at work that I’ve been trying to overcome, and after my session with you last week, I actually felt like I was getting somewhere, and today I just feel like I’m going backwards.” Lisa breathed out as she off loaded to Carla.

“Have you talked to Betsy about it? About her attendance and lateness?” Carla asked gently.

“No, not yet. I was supposed to tonight, but then I was late back from work, and I didn’t want to cancel my plans with you. I just wanted to see you, and I felt awful for the way I left things with you this morning…” Lisa admitted shyly, looking down as she stared into her wine glass.

“Lisa, please forget about this morning. I have. I’m here, aren’t I?” Carla said kindly; her expression was gentle and open. “How was work today?” Carla asked next, leaving her last question hanging in the air.

“I gave my team more than an earful. I literally bit everyone’s head off, ripped a shred off them all, got caught up with all the paperwork, which was why I was so late for us tonight, and then left, hoping that when I return tomorrow, everyone will have got their heads out of their arses and I’ll be back on the good side of my DCI.” Lisa huffed out a laugh; saying it all out loud still seemed too good to be true.

”Our Ryan giving you a hard time? I can give him more than an earful.” Carla teased, causing Lisa to roll her eyes playfully. “Oh trust me, he’s had more than an earful off me today.” Lisa replied, and Carla trusted that he most certainly had. Especially if his flippant mood back at the flat earlier this evening was anything to go by.

Carla put hers and Lisa’s wine glasses down and gently took Lisa’s hand in her own. “Look, on your next day off, you’re going to talk to Betsy, and you’re going to spend the day together—”

“But—” Lisa started, but Carla soon interrupted.

“I’ll deal with her college. Just give me the number and leave that to me. Talk to her, Lisa. That’s all she might need, and then, if it all goes horribly wrong, you text me, and I’ll clear my diary. Then I’ll come over, or you come to me, whatever you need, okay?” Carla looked at her with such sincerity that Lisa’s eyes filled with tears.

“Okay.” Lisa’s voice was small, almost silent as she took in everything Carla was offering her. “I just need a minute; excuse me,” Lisa said as she quickly withdrew her hand and left the room.

As Lisa returned, her arms filled with snacks and more wine to distract the fact that Carla had caused her eyes to well up with tears from her kindness, she’d caught Carla with one of the pictures on the mantelpiece in her hands.

Lisa put the wine and snacks down and headed over towards Carla. “That’s Bex, me, and Betsy, when she was six. She was such a happy child,” Lisa said softly. “Betsy blames me for the fact that Becky was killed in the line of duty three years ago, and then hates me on top of that for doing the job that killed her other mum.”

The gravity and weight of Lisa’s words hung in the air, and Carla could see the pain and hurt etched in Lisa’s eyes. “Lisa, I’m so sorry,” Carla said softly, her own heart aching for the woman standing before her. “That must have been incredibly difficult for you to manage on your own. For what it’s worth, I think you’re incredibly brave.”

Lisa huffed out a laugh; brave was the last thing she thought she was. “It was—it is difficult. We had plans, dreams… and then everything changed. Just like that.” Lisa’s voice trembled, but she carried on, “She was the woman I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. That we’d grow old together… she took a part of me with her that day I lost her. A part I’ll never get back.”

“Those memories are precious, Lisa,” Carla said as she placed the photo back in its place. “That’s why it’s so important you keep them alive, and I can help you do that through our sessions if that’s something you feel like you’d like to do, and you’d be comfortable with sharing with me. You have to remember that these sessions are all about you. That’s the beauty of the one-to-one interactions; I can tailor everything to you,” Carla offered.

“I’d like that. Bex always had a way of bridging the rifts between me and Bets; she always had a way of knowing my bad days before me and how to fix me when I got home. She’d have takeaways waiting, and then we’d cuddle together on the sofa, picking apart the latest crime dramas,” Lisa laughed, and Carla smiled.

“You should laugh more. Your face lights up when you laugh,” Carla admitted, causing Lisa to blush.

“Can I ask you something?” Lisa said shyly, withdrawing back into herself a little bit; her smile soon faded as she shuffled anxiously on the spot.

“Anything.”

“Would you… would you hold me for a little while? If it’s too much—”

“Of course I will. I’d like that,” Carla admitted.

Carla edged towards the sofa first, sitting down before opening her arms and inviting Lisa in. Lisa soon melted into Carla’s soft and inviting embrace; Carla’s arms felt strong and safe around her as Carla wrapped her arms around Lisa. Lisa felt an overwhelming sense of comfort wash over her, and she shuffled a little closer, and Carla smiled as the blonde cuddled further into her.

“Go on then; you must have plenty of funny cop stories to share with me,” Carla asked as she absently trailed her hands up and down Lisa’s arm, trying to ease the sadness in Lisa from a moment ago. 

“We once got called out to a neighbour dispute over a missing pink flamingo garden ornament. Anyway, when we got there, it turned out it was a hoax call, and the whole street had a pink flamingo just sitting there on the front lawn.”

Carla chuckled. “What did you do?”

“We couldn’t do anything. The call came from a burner phone, and we couldn’t arrest the individuals from 32 houses when there was no way of knowing who made the call. It turns out the street celebrates every weird and wonderful event that ceases to exist, and that particular day was Pink Flamingo Day,” Lisa chuckled. “What can you tell me?” Lisa asked as she already started to feel lighter, in Carla’s presence and in Carla’s warmth.

“I once got a black eye from a clumsy student,” Carla retorted.

“What?” Lisa looked up at her, bemused.

“So I was demonstrating a kick to the class, and I had this student who thought of themselves as a bit of a joker, and while trying to impersonate me, she lost her balance upon kicking her leg up, accidentally kicking her shoe off, launching it across the room, and it hit me square in the eye. Not my finest hour.”

Lisa laughed hard. She laughed so hard her belly hurt; tears were streaming from her eyes.

“Well, I’m glad you find it so funny,” Carla quipped, her tone serious, her expression stoic. But there was a playfulness laced there.

“Sorry,” Lisa mumbled, but she was still belly laughing.

“No, you’re not,” Carla nudged her playfully, but then her head tilted, and she smiled at Lisa in a different way—almost softer, if that was at all possible. She’d tried to remain serious, but that was impossible around this impeccable woman.

“What?” Lisa blushed as she looked down, unable to make eye contact with Carla while she was looking at her like that.

“You have such a lovely laugh, Lisa. You really are beautiful when you laugh,” Carla gazed at her as Lisa dared to look up.

Lisa’s eyes flicked between the brunette’s eyes and her lips, which sat just slightly parted, as if inviting her in.

“Carla, I—”

“What’s going on here?” Betsy asked, breaking the moment between the two women, her tone sharp and accusatory as she stood there scowling, arms crossed.

“Nothing, Betsy. We’re just hanging out. I was upset, and—”

“Looks like it,” Betsy interrupted her for the second time, her tone laced with sarcasm.

“Come on, Bets; it’s late. We’re just having a drink and talking. Can you at least respect that?” Lisa asked gently; her mood had shifted drastically from what it once was as she withdrew herself further from Carla’s embrace, but Carla held her hand just at the small of Lisa’s back—a gesture of softness and reassurance, reminding her that she’s there, silently offering support.

“Whatever. Just… don’t do anything stupid,” Betsy huffed, unimpressed, as she turned on her heel, stomping up the stairs and slamming her door in the process.

Lisa closed her eyes, feeling deflated already. She was having such a lovely evening with Carla, actually being able to laugh like she meant it; laugh so hard it brought tears to her eyes had made her feel alive.

“Maybe I should go,” Carla offered gently.

“No, really, Carla, you don’t have to go. I enjoy having you here,” Lisa shuffled closer, closing the gap she’d made previously.

“Hey, look. It’s late, and I’ve really enjoyed tonight, Lisa. You know where I am; you can call me or text me anytime, and if you need me, I’ll make myself available, okay? And I’ll see you Wednesday.” Carla smiled at her; their fleeting moment from earlier had passed.

“Thank you, Carla; I really appreciate it. I really appreciate everything,” Lisa smiled warmly at the brunette as she walked with her to the door. She felt her heart fill with warmth but still couldn’t help the pang of disappointment at the thought of Carla leaving.

“Goodnight, Carla,” Lisa said as she closed her door behind her.

“Alright?” Carla greeted Lisa with a warm smile as she slid in through the studio doors, watching Carla set up for their one-to-one session.

“Hi,” Lisa smiled at Carla.

Things felt a little different to Lisa today. What a difference 24 hours could make in the company of Carla. The weight of everything she’d been carrying certainly remained… lighter, and even for a second, almost, almost felt like it didn’t exist—especially in shared space with Carla, when it was just the two of them.

“I thought we’d do something a little different today,” Carla said as Lisa made her way to join her in the centre of the room. “No music, scents, or smells because I really need you to engage with this activity, with no distractions.” Carla continued. “Do you want to stand or sit?” Carla asked.

“I’ll, um—stand?” Lisa said, a little uneasy. A little unsure of what she was letting herself in for, but knowing how she felt with Carla’s proximity last lesson, perhaps standing was best if she needed no distractions.

Carla guided Lisa through some deep breathing exercises, calming her, grounding her to begin the activity she had planned.

“I want you to think of your happy place and centre yourself there. Then I’ll ask you five questions; be as descriptive as you can be, as if you’re taking me there too. Help me visualise your happy place; let me be there with you.” Carla’s voice was calm and soft, as always.

“Okay, so, tell me five things you can see,” Carla encouraged gently.

Lisa opened her eyes teasingly. “You,” Lisa said playfully. There was a sparkle in her eye that Carla had not necessarily noticed before.

Carla rolled her eyes—not in annoyance, but she’d built Lisa up to this moment. Lisa had to take it seriously if it was going to work. “Stop it.” Carla aimed to swat Lisa playfully on the arm, but the distance proved difficult, and with Lisa swerving out of the way, Carla almost lost her balance, instinctively reaching out towards Lisa, who was there to catch her.

Lisa giggled as her arms fell around Carla’s waist, steadying the other woman. “You’re dangerous,” Carla quipped as she managed to stay on her feet—all thanks to Lisa, of course.

“I’m dangerous?” Lisa asked quizzically. “You’re the one who almost knocked me flying.” Lisa teased, “not that I’m complaining,” Lisa whispered under her breath.

Carla raised her eyebrow, which told Lisa that Carla had heard exactly what she’d said, before Lisa pursed her lips together as a faint blush crept up onto her cheeks.

This wasn’t getting them anywhere fast, Carla thought. So, instead, Carla moved to stand behind Lisa, still an arm's length apart. She didn’t want to distract the blonde too much. Lisa closed her eyes again but couldn’t quite wipe the smirk off her face. She couldn’t be sure if Carla had moved behind her because that was all part of this exercise or more as a distraction because Lisa had made her feel something. Lisa preferred to believe it was the latter.

“Five things you can see. Tell me as much detail as you can, as if you’re really taking me there,” Carla commanded. Her tone was firm but soft.

Lisa took herself away. She used the still silence of the space around them, and she used Carla’s calming presence. The brunette was close by; Lisa could feel it. Carla had this aura about her that just helped you feel safe, feel grounded.

“I can see the tapestry of colour, the way the sunshine’s rays glisten on the surface of the ocean. It’s like a beautiful dance between the two, and the surface of the ocean glistens like sparkling diamonds.”

“I can see the footprints in the sand that are starting to fade, left from the earlier hustle and bustle. Along with the sandcastles that stand tall, it’s tranquil. Quiet. Unusually, but peaceful.”

“I can see the pier that stretches out over the calm waters. The carousel catches my eye, the beautifully, intricately painted horses that seem to come alive with each gentle rotation.”

“I can see the spinning of the candy floss machine. The way it whips up the melted sugar through tiny holes, creating delicate strands that float upwards, gathering like fluffy pink clouds to create the sweet treat.”

“In the distance, I can see little Betsy; she must only be about six. She’s running towards me, a huge smile plastered on her face. She’s dragging along a big cuddly bear that she can’t carry because it’s bigger than her, but she doesn’t care. Bex is following closely behind, rolling her eyes playfully in amusement. She must have won it for her on one of those carnival games where you have to throw three balls out of a possible five to win a prize. She was always good at those.”

As Lisa finished describing the fifth thing she could see, Carla let the silence hang in the air around them. Lisa kept her eyes closed as a couple of silent tears fell from her eyes. God, she missed Bex so much, but she missed her little Betsy more than ever. The little girl that had adored her so much was growing up to hate her, resent her after her other mother’s death, and Lisa couldn’t help but wonder where it had all gone wrong.

Carla took a small step closer. She had a feeling Lisa may be emotional and was slightly relieved she couldn’t see any upset in her expression as she was standing behind her instead. She needed to keep Lisa in the moment. This was good for her.

“Four things you can feel,” Carla’s voice was still soft, steady, cutting through the silence with such delicacy.

“I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. The way it surrounds me like a warm cuddly blanket.”

“I can feel the softness of the sand beneath my feet, in between my toes. The way parts of it sink just a little bit underfoot. The texture is funny, but it’s so soft.”

“I can feel Betsy’s small hand gripping mine as me and Bex swing her in the air between us. It’s warm and familiar, and she’s gripping it for dear life as she’s flung in the air, giggling hysterically.”

“I can feel a gentle breeze as the cool air drifts in from over the horizon. It’s a welcome sign that the evening is beginning and the sun will begin to set. It’s a chilly feeling; it makes me shiver.”

Lisa shivers in the room, and Carla watches her as she takes another step closer. She’s almost right behind Lisa now; she’s close enough that she could just reach out to grab her hand if she so wished, but still maintaining some distance.

Lisa feels Carla step closer; her presence is welcomed even more the closer she gets. She wasn’t sure herself if she really, truly shivered at the memory of the cool evening air or shivered at the fact that the beautiful brunette behind her was even closer than before.

“Three things you can hear.”

“I can hear Betsy’s laughter as she’s sitting next to me, riding round and round in circles on the caterpillar ride. It’s beautifully innocent to the point where she has no idea what her future holds. No idea of—”

Carla grabs Lisa’s hand from behind carefully, but it comes as a warning. She has to be careful not to break the spell Lisa is under but also remind her that this exercise isn’t for punishing or berating herself.

Lisa slides her fingers into Carla’s as she feels the other woman’s touch. Carla’s hand is warm, welcoming. It’s soft, so soft and calming. 

“I can hear the chimes and dings, the clinking of coins in the amusements. I can hear it all; the mechanical whirs and clicks, the machines spinning and the buzzers and alarms sounding when someone has won a prize.”

“I can hear Bex call me as she’s in the over 18’s area trying to win some money on her favourite machine. I pick Bets up in my arms, and we watch on from the sidelines as the groans soon turn to an excited cheer as she’s made some cash.”

Lisa laughs out loud as she recalls her latest memory, feeling comfortable at the soft touch of Carla’s fingers that still lingers in between her own.

“Two things you can smell.”

“I can smell the stench of copper on my hands after countlessly pushing 2p’s into the machine trying to win Betsy the latest keyring that she really wanted to add to her ever-growing collection.”

Carla had taken another step closer, still with Lisa’s hand in her own. She’s aware that she’s crossing all kinds of boundaries right now, but she just feels drawn to the blonde, and after being so close to her last night and in their last session—albeit admittedly she was able to put that one more down to the fact that she was professionally helping Lisa—Carla couldn’t really explain what was happening this time, as if her own body was betraying her.

She was definitely close enough to hold Lisa now, to—

Carla’s thoughts were interrupted when Lisa continued.

“And I can smell your perfume.” Lisa swallowed hard. “It’s distracting,” Lisa teased.

Carla let out a nervous laugh, and Lisa felt Carla’s hot breath on her neck. She kept her eyes closed but embraced the moment. She’d just been on one hell of a ride with her emotions, but the fact that Carla had been able to literally keep her still, grounded, and safe had filled her with a joy that had kept the tears back that had threatened to escape and instead just filled her tummy with butterflies.

“One thing you can taste.”

“The salty sea air. It’s an acquired taste, but it’s one of my favourites.”

They both stood there for a moment, feeling the welcoming warmth from the presence of each other. Carla guided Lisa through a few more deep breaths before bringing her back into the room, although after the teasing of being able to smell her perfume, Carla was sure Lisa had been balancing on the edge of coming back already.

Carla gently slipped her hand out of Lisa’s, both feeling the coolness of the absence straight away.

Lisa opened her eyes slowly, adjusting back to the dimly lit room. The thoughts that lingered in her mind, the images that had flashed before her eyes, remained like an afterglow. She felt a silent tear fall down her cheek as she remained rooted to the spot, Carla still ever-present behind her.

“How do you feel?” Carla asked, daring to break the silence between them but not daring to move.

“I feel… lighter, I think? I feel like I can breathe again. I don’t feel as angry or as stressed. But—” Lisa’s voice broke slightly, and she took a moment to regain composure. She reached behind her for Carla’s hand again, who willingly let her take it; needing a sense of comfort, a crutch almost.

“I miss her, Carla,” Lisa breathed out, releasing a long breath that it seemed like she’d been holding in for the last three years. “I miss Betsy too, which sounds ridiculous because she’s right here, but we’re so broken. Our relationship is so broken, and Bex knew how to fix everything, and I just fuck it all up.”

Carla allowed the silence to fill the room as she remained still, barring the soft movements of her thumb in Lisa’s hand. It was as if the stillness and the silence helped Lisa open up, but when Carla was sure the blonde wasn’t going to say much else, she broke the silence.

“Memories are powerful, Lisa; it’s okay to feel the weight of them. Especially when they’re still so raw, and some are still haunting us. Sometimes, we bury things so far deep inside us that they catch us off guard when we least expect it. But today, you allowed yourself to really feel and to really remember. You challenged yourself in a way that you’ve probably never done before, and you were incredibly—are incredibly brave in doing so.”

Lisa bravely turned around to Carla now, and Carla’s heart ached at the blonde, all flushed cheeks and glossy eyes. “Thank you for guiding me through that. I feel like I’m facing a lot more than I thought I needed to, and I’m not sure I could do it without you,” Lisa admitted.

“You did it all on your own, Lisa; I just provide the safe space for you to do so,” Carla stated matter-of-factly. She retracted her hand and moved slightly away from Lisa, looking like she was busying herself but not so much that it seemed like she was disregarding Lisa—Carla just knew she needed to put a bit of distance there as to not overwhelm Lisa too much. Though this time, she didn’t think that was the issue. The almost, almost kiss last night was very much the issue. 

“But you made me feel safe, Carla, and I haven’t felt safe in such a long time,” Lisa swallowed hard. “And that I could trust you.”

“It’ll always be safe here for you, Lisa, and you can always trust me. I’m not here to let you down. I’m here to support and encourage you and get you to where you want and need to be. You shared more personal things with me today, and we can build on that. It’s all built on trust.” Carla’s tone remained warm and inviting, and Lisa’s heart swelled at each word that fell from Carla’s lips.

“Can we—” Lisa hesitated, her voice quiet as she steadied herself and tried to speak with more conviction, “Can we do this again sometime? And I don’t mean just another session, but can we, I mean us, umm—” Lisa took a deep breath, “Can we be friends or?” Lisa blurted out. It all came out as a load of nonsense, really, and Carla laughed softly as the blonde stumbled over her own words.

“Yes, of course,” Carla said, quick to reply. “It’s important we keep this dialogue open, and if that’s going to help you, then yes. But I like you, Lisa, so of course we can be friends. I like your company, but it’s important we be careful, Lisa. We don’t want to blur the lines too much,” Carla admitted, rather professionally. But her tone was soft, and there was just a hint of mischief hidden somewhere in there. Of course, Carla wasn’t interested in whether they blurred the lines or not, but at the same time, this was her job, her livelihood, and it was important that she made it clear she wouldn’t take advantage.

“I understand,” Lisa replied, although the smug smirk on her face said otherwise.

“I want to set you a task for the next week: journaling.”

“Journaling?” Lisa raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, journaling. I’d like you to reflect on today. Write down what emotions you felt today, what memories you had today; what manifested in your body after today’s session and what you’d like to explore further.”

“I want you to write what you’re feeling each day and then how that makes you feel.”

“Then I’d just like you to write down something you’re thankful for each day. It could literally be anything, Lisa. Even just a cup of coffee.” Carla finished.

“Not a lot then,” Lisa teased, but a little too sarcastically. Even she cringed at her own remark. “Sorry, Carla; sorry that didn’t come out how I intended it to.” Lisa blushed with a little embarrassment, hoping she hadn’t just ruined the entirety of whatever she was building with Carla.

“It’s alright; it’s a lot, Lisa. I’ll take the rough with the smooth. I’m here for all your emotions, not just the sadness, the upset, or the brighter days. But I’m here for the anger, the tension, the darker days too,” Carla said softly, much to Lisa’s surprise.

“I’ll see you next week?” Carla asked.

“You will.” Lisa bit her lip slightly, hoping it would go unnoticed as she gathered her things and turned to leave.

Oh boy, was she in deep.