It is a cold day in Yokohama when Mori arrives at the Port Mafia offices, but Mori doesn't mind. It will be warm in hell.
He waves to all his subordinates as he takes the elevator ride to his swanky office at the very top of the skyscraper. Even the knowledge that Chuuya Nakahara (the executive with the best taste in hats) is STILL off on holiday fails miserably to dampen his excellent mood.
Today is going to be his first Pilates class! Mori CAN NOT WAIT. Unfortunately, it is at 2pm, and it is currently 3:30 am in the morning (he really needs to stop letting Ace schedule the executive meetings), which means that he has TEN AND A HALF WHOLE HOURS to go. Dammit.
Mori stomps into the executive meeting plotting Ace’s murder. He skips out five hours later whistling. It turns out that dangling executives out the window by their ankles is terribly therapeutic. Really, Mori should have been a doctor. Oh wait, he already is. IMAGINE NOT BEING A DOCTOR AND A MAFIA BOSS AT THE SAME TIME. L.
The rest of Mori’s day drags by. He is seriously considering burning down the Port Mafia headquarters just for something to do when-IT’S 1:30, TIME TO GO BITCHES!
Mori cartwheels all the way to the elevator. Hirotsu’s eyes almost fall out of his face but THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HIM PROBLEM, HAHAA! The elevator is going way TOO SLOW so Mori performs an impromptu surgery on the control panel. This ends with one elevator travelling downwards at speeds in excess of Mach 5, one elevator-shaped hole in the floor of the foyer, one terrified receptionist, and one Port Mafia boss making a run for the door.
Mori arrives at his Pilates class at precisely 1:55 pm, with 5 minutes to warm up before it starts. He’s looking forward to meeting his fellow students! But when Mori walks in the door, he can feel his hopes and dreams of FRIENDSHIP and BUTTERFLIES and RAINBOWS smashing to pieces on his Mafia Boss™ boots. There is only ONE other student! What the heck?
Where are the options?
FINE, looks like Mori will have to make the best of things. He dumps his mat down right next to his fellow student, flops down on top of it, and says, in his best yes I’m a mafia boss and could kill you in two seconds flat with both hands tied behind my back, BUT I would LOVE to be best friends with you!! tone of voice, “Hi, I’m Mori! What’s your name?”
//
Severus Snape is in HELL.
Look, he’s on a diplomatic mission for Dumbledore, ok? He has to spend MONTHS in Japan, for the good of the wizarding world, and he is FINE with that.
HOWEVER.
Pilates is…Snape’s equivalent of religion. He refuses to contemplate EVER doing without Pilates, for any length of time. Hence, his presence in the ONLY Pilates class in Yokohama today.
Now, this is all perfectly fine. Snape might even be happy were it not for his classmate, who swanned in a mere FIVE MINUTES early, wearing a coat WITHOUT putting his arms through the armholes (what the actual fuck? Who does that?) and parked his mat RIGHT next to Snape, before saying in the most TERRIFYING tone of voice Snape has EVER heard, “Hi, I’m Mori! What’s your name?” (like seriously, Lord Voldemort has nothing on this guy.)
“Snape.”
“Oh, nice! So are you looking forward to class today?”
Snape does not respond.
“This is gonna be awesome,” Mori says happily.
No. It is not. Severus Snape is, as was previously stated, in HELL.
//
Chuuya Nakahara is done with this bullshit.
He says as much to the RIDICULOUSLY cheerful mackerel prancing around in hot pink lycra topped off with a neon yellow headband.
Really, it is FAR TOO MUCH to expect him, a PORT MAFIA EXECUTIVE, to help out at some Pilates class.
Dammit, he is meant to be on holiday right now. Does Dazai know how DAMN HARD it is to get Mori to give out leave? It’s ridiculously unfair, is what it is. And he is NOT wearing the lime green lycra outfit the mackerel is holding up with a smirk. He will not. He REFUSES. He..
“Chibi lost the bet, so chibi has to wear the lycra.”
He wears the lycra.
Chuuya is grumpily adjusting his purple sweatband when Dazai bounces in.
“It’s 1:59, chibi! Time to get out there and show them our Pilates power!!”
“Shut up, you waste of bandages.” Chuuya will never understand how they fit under the arms of Dazai’s lycra shirt, but that’s a problem for another time. He sadly trails the mackerel out, preparing mentally for the hell that is sure to follow, when-
Oh no.
Oh hell no.
Surely Chuuya is hallucinating. This isn’t happening. This cannot be happening. Because sitting on a yoga mat in the middle of the room is Ogai Mori, dressed in sparkly purple lycra with a print of unicorns holding machine guns. His vampire trench coat complete with scarf has been thrown overtop, and Chuuya’s pretty sure that there are at least five guns in the pockets. The outfit is completed by a snazzy orange headband with a bow on the front.
Chuuya screams.
“Hello, Chuuya,” says Mori. “I thought you were on holiday?”
The man on the mat next to Mori sighs loudly. He is the only person in the room wearing normal workout clothes. They are black.
“Can we PLEASE start the class?”
“Of COURSE,” sings Dazai. “Let’s get right to it, everybody!”
Chuuya REALLY REALLY hates that goddamned mackerel.
//
Severus Snape would like to know just how a guy in sparkly purple lycra is so damn good at Pilates.
No, seriously.
”Dazai, this is breaking my back!” screams the redhead at the front.
“Ehehehe,” snickers their instructor.
Mori does all of the most complicated exercises with ease. Snape is still better than he is, but only just, and Pilates has been his thing for YEARS. This guy just waltzed in, in SPARKLY PURPLE LYCRA no less, and started perfectly Pilates-ing. Snape already hates his guts.
“YOU ASSHOLE,” screams the ginger.
And why- “So, Snape, what do you do for a living?”
“I teach.”
“Come on chibi, try harder!” their instructor exhorts his assistant.
“Oh, that’s wonderful!” Mori enthuses. “And you’re British, right?”
“OW OW OW OW I DON’T BEND LIKE THAT”
“Yes.”
“Sure you do, chibi.” Snape notices their instructor isn’t very good at Pilates either.
“Hmm.. I wonder, would you be interested in doing a little delivery work for me?” Their sniggering instructor does a backbend and Snape and Mori copy him. “I’d like to expand my business into the UK, and it would be really helpful if you could.. take a little package with you when you go back.”
Snape is DEFINITELY suspicious. “What is your business?”
Mori’s upside-down grin is the scariest thing he’s ever seen in his life. “We dabble in a lot of areas.”
“SHITTY DAZAI, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”
And so Pilates class ends early.
//
Mori skips down the pavement, headed back to the Port Mafia headquarters. Really, Mori had never thought that a Pilates class would be so eventful. He’s pretty sure that Dazai is still alive; last he saw, Chuuya was trying very hard indeed to throw him out the window, but Dazai is well-nigh unkillable. Mori isn’t worried.
And he MADE A FRIEND!
He and Snape were DEFINITELY connecting, Mori could tell. And Mori’s pretty sure that this will help him expand the Port Mafia into Britain. WORLDWIDE MAFIA! YESS! Mori can’t wait to tell the executives.
He passes Chuuya determinedly stuffing Dazai into a barrel. “I’ll see you at 2:20 am tomorrow for the executive meeting,” Mori yells over his shoulder and hears Dazai’s delighted cackle: “IMAGINE LETTING ACE SCHEDULE THE MEETINGS!” and Chuuya’s answering screech of pure rage.
Back at headquarters, Mori takes the elevator to his office and flops into his massive chair. It’s been a WONDERFUL day.
Mori can’t wait for next week’s Pilates class.