Star dust and twinkling lights danced harmoniously in Harry’s head as he and Mione made their way down to Hogsmeade for a well-deserved break. For weeks, they had been working tirelessly to prepare for the second task of the Triwizard Tournament, which loomed over Harry like a dark storm cloud of impending doom. But at that moment, there was no looming cloud, but rather a ball of sunshine that sparkled with happiness and possibilities. Suddenly, a disturbance in the force ejected Harry from his blissful daydreams with a jolt. Harry quickly spotted the disturbance stumbling into the village several feet ahead of them. Ron Weasley was looking a little worse for wear with frayed robes, hair thick with dirt, and a stench so strong, green whisps were literally emitting from his un-showered body.
The insufferable weasel Ron had still been obnoxiously and unjustifiably angry with Harry for simply being a Triwizard Champion. Harry thought he may have forgiven him after the first task, but evidently, no such reconciliation occurred. Then, after Mione went with Krum to the Yule Ball, Ron rage quit the Gryffindor tower and has been living in the Shrieking Shack ever since. Harry and Mione broke into a fit of giggles at the sight of the pathetic weasel and continued on their merry way towards the village.
Harry glanced at Mione through his diamond studded Ralph Lauren glasses and smiled softly. It was impossible to be in her presence and not feel as though she were a beautiful tsunami made entirely of joy, love, genius, and friendship, sweeping up everything in its wake. To Harry, Hermione Jane Minerva Sophia Granger was the goddamn center of the universe. She was a celestial force crammed into a mortal body, a goddess of intellect and impossible hair. Her curls, wild and untamed as a Hippogriff in a lightning storm, cascaded down her back in a way that should have been chaotic but instead framed her heart-shaped face like the mane of an enchanted lioness.
“Hey Mione?” Harry said tentatively while nervously adjusting the diamond cufflinks on his Ralph Lauren robes.
“Yes my little grape?” Mione said, turning to look at Harry with her chocolate gaze.
“It’s Valentines Day. . . so why are you here with me instead of Krum?”
Mione let out a snort of laughter. “Oh, Harry you can be so oblivious sometimes. He’s just a friend! Viktor asked me to the ball as a friend, and I just couldn’t say no. He was going through a heartbreak and needed a friend to lean on. Also. . . it was a good way to stick it to Ron.”
Harry’s heart began to flutter and his eyelids snapped open in shock revealing eyes that looked remarkably like green grapes. He quickly adjusted his face and asked, “Who broke Krum’s heart?”
“Well it’s not so much that someone broke his heart. . . not intentionally. I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but. . . Viktor had a gay awakening in the form of Cedric Diggory!” Mione blurted out with such vigor it was clear she had been dying to tell someone. “He confessed his feelings and Cedric turned him down, shattering his heart into a thousand pieces.”
“Wow” was all Harry could say. His green grape eyes met Mione’s chocolate eyes for a brief moment that felt like an eternity.
“That’s kind of what instilled our unbreakable bond of friendship.” Hermione continued. “I too know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love me back.” Her cheeks blushed furiously and her chocolate brown eyes widened in shock, as if she just realized who she was speaking to.
Harry of course, didn’t catch this. His insides squirmed and felt as though they were moving outwards turning Harry inside out. Hermione was in love with someone?? Who??? He did not want to hear about this. He couldn’t listen to his Mione talk about the love of her life as if her soul mate wasn’t standing directly in front of her.
Desperately looking for a change of topic, Harry said, “Ooh let’s go see what that’s all about!” and hurried over to a crowd that had just gathered outside Honeydukes, Mione following in his wake.
The source of the crowd appeared to be some sort of demonstration run by a man wearing violet Honeydukes robes.
“Now, you may not expect grapes and chocolate to be a good combo.” The man was saying in an excellent sales pitch voice. “You’re probably thinking that there are better fruit choices for chocolate and that chocolate and grapes are more fit as friends. WRONG. It is true that the taste and texture of these two edible substances play together like childhood friends, but that bond then develops just as the taste does. The sweet and rich flavors first clash playfully into each other and then develop into a sensual and romantic bond, more powerful than any known magic.” “Soulmates” he ended dramatically in a stage whisper.
Harry’s heart was thumping like a timpani drum. Several students in the crowd were now watching him and Mione with interest. It was well-known at Hogwarts that his eyes were like green grapes & Mione’s like chocolate. But up until now they had all thought it to be a color combo of friendship. But this man. . . This brilliant and beautiful man. . . said grapes and chocolate were soulmates.
Harry slowly looked to his left. Mione’s chocolate eyes were probing him with the deepest and truest of love. Chocolate and grape danced playfully together and grew into something more as their eye contact deepened. Chocolate and grape eyes stopped mingling and turned at once towards the sound of screams and a loud crash.
One of those hideous Cybertrucks had ran directly into the display table, just narrowly missing the Honeydukes spokesman who had jumped out of the way just in time. A spectator at the very front of the crowd was too slow and was in fact hit and instantly killed, but it turned out to only be Ron.
Terrified screams now filled the air as Harry stepped in front of Mione, wand out, his eyes flashing with courageous determination. The door on the ugly silver box car thing opened, and out stepped. . . Harry and Mione gasped.
Ginny had evidently come back from her trip to America early, even uglier than she was before. Oklahoma clearly does not have the hotness effect that other parts of America do. Her large feet donned with leopard print Croc platform boots stepped out of the vehicle. She was wearing bleach-stained overalls that were bedazzled with the words “Redneck Queen.” Her pale blemished skin was extremely obvious as she wore nothing underneath the overalls. Her face was a catastrophic masterpiece, coated in so much caked-on foundation and mismatched bronzer that she looked like a tragic mix between Bozo the Clown and a rodeo queen who applied her make-up while riding a mechanical bull in the dark. A traffic cone orange cowboy hat lay precariously on her head clashing horribly with her hair.
"Howdy losers!” she cackled evilly as she looked around at the frightened crowd, candy littered ground, and Ron’s dead body with a smug satisfaction. “Did you miss me?”
“Why are you not at that stupid American school you were supposedly accepted into?” Harry yelled, still standing in front of Mione. “Have they chucked you out already?”
“Oh you’re a gullible little boy who lived, aren’t you?” She shrieked with pleasure. “That was just an excuse to get away from this hell hole so I could do the Dark Lord’s bidding without attracting suspicion.”
“Suspicion is the only thing you’re attracting with that getup.” Harry heard Lavender Brown mutter behind him.
“Yeah right! You expect me to believe that Voldemort would entrust a mind-numbingly stupid teenager like yourself to run important errands for him in America?” Harry asked laughing.
Harry had quite brilliantly decided at the last moment to stall Ginny by getting her to talk and also, maybe getting her to confess to some evil doings. “How did you even get in contact with Voldemort? He’s barely existing in some Albanian forest last I heard.”
“Oh well you’ve heard wrong Mr. Hero Sweetcheeks. He his getting more and more powerful by the day and will soon be back to his body, more powerful than he’s ever been before with his faithful servant and I standing proudly by his side!!!” She declared dramatically with another evil cackle.
“Yeah well you and the rat man make a great pair. You should-“
“The rat man?!” Ginny shrieked with a wicked smile. “You think the faithful servant I refer to is Wormtail the coward?! Oh you stupid stupid boy. No, no, no. I refer to a man who is truly faithful to the Dark Lord. A man that did not run back to the other side claiming his innocence, but instead took great risk attempting to locate our beloved master.”
“And you know this man?” Mione asked curiously.
“She speaks!” Ginny shrieked so shrilly that the nearest window shattered. “Yes mud-blood, I do know this man. And so do you! But you will never ever discover who! Not until the Dark Lord has risen again! Not until our plan has succeeded! Not until your sweet boy here is dead!!” She cackled louder than ever.
Mione let out a gasp. “Harry!” she said urgently, “The faithful servant is Barty Crouch jr. using Polyjuice potion to disguise himself as Professor Moody!”
Ginny let out a shriek that sounded remarkedly like a baby mandrake cry causing several people to pass out. “What- how- WHY DO YOU RUIN EVERYTHING! How could you have possibly- YOU’RE TOO SMART FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! That’s it Mud blood. You’re done for. AVADA KEDAVRA” Ginny roared pointing her wand at Mione.
But something had happened. As the beam of greenlight left Ginny’s wand, Harry had let out a scream of protest. A scream that clearly conveyed his fear, sadness, pain, anger, agony, and anxiety. But most importantly, a scream that conveyed the deep love that he feels for Mione.
As Harry screamed, the air went still, the ground rumbled, and time seemed to slow. Suddenly, all of the chocolate and grape candy that littered the ground lifted in the air and surrounded Mione in a whirling tornado of sweet and rich flavors twisting like feelings of friendship and deep soul bonding love. The green death beam hit the chocolate grape tornado shield of love and ricocheted back to its sender, killing Ginny at once.
The crowded Hogsmeade street instantly erupted into cheers and Harry and Mione were soon lifted onto the shoulders of witches and wizards chanting their names. After a quick celebration, Harry and Mione made their way up to the castle with several cases of chocolate grapes and a 4-step plan. Step 1: destroy impostor Moody. Step 2: make-out for a bit. Step 3: go to Professor Dumbledore and fill him in on everything. Step 4: Plan out the rest of their glorious lives together.