Severus snape and the power of overpowered petiness
Title: Severus Snape and the Art of Overpowered Pettiness
A Time-Travel Crackfic
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Severus Snape died. Again.
It was the third time this week, which was highly inconvenient.
The first time, it was because of Nagini. The second time, he tripped over his own robes and fell down a staircase (he would never admit that one). The third time, an experimental potion technically exploded.
So imagine his frustration when, instead of passing into whatever afterlife awaited bitter, sarcastic Potions Masters, he woke up back in his eleven-year-old body.
At Spinner’s End.
In the 1970s.
Again.
He stared at his tiny, scrawny hands. His awful, threadbare clothes. His dust-ridden bedroom. He took a slow, deep breath.
And then he started laughing.
Because this time, he was going to break reality.
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Step One: Become Overpowered.
Snape was not going to let himself suffer through this miserable childhood again.
So, he did what any rational ex-Death Eater-turned-spy-turned-immortal-time-traveling-warlock would do:
Absorbed knowledge like a sponge. Every spell, every potion, every bit of magic he could get his tiny, grimy fingers on? Learned instantly.
Mastered wandless magic before even stepping foot in Hogwarts.
Invented new spells just to flex. The first one was called "Shuticus Upicus", which permanently silenced any Gryffindor within a ten-foot radius.
Reinforced his Occlumency so hard that even Dumbledore would get psychic backlash trying to read him.
Brewed a potion that made him immune to being hexed (purely to annoy James Potter).
By the time Hogwarts started, he was a magical god.
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Step Two: Flex on Everyone.
The second James Potter tried to hex him in first year, Snape teleported behind him and whispered, "Nothing personal, Potter."
James screamed.
Sirius swore.
Remus made a note to avoid eye contact.
Peter wet himself.
Lily blinked. “Sev, are you okay? You’re acting… different.”
Snape smirked. "Oh, Lily. I'm better than okay."
The Marauders learned, very quickly, to never challenge Snape again.
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Step Three: Break the Timeline.
By Year Three, Snape had:
Invented flying without a broom.
Made himself immune to the Cruciatus Curse. (Purely out of spite.)
Hexed Lucius Malfoy’s hair green and blamed it on "magical radiation."
Convinced Voldemort that snakes were out of fashion and that he should consider a "chill, cat aesthetic."
Singlehandedly destroyed Divination by predicting every event before it happened and then cancelling the entire subject.
Outdueled Dumbledore. For fun.
By Year Five, Dumbledore just started every school year with, "Severus, what are you planning this time?"
Snape would just smile.
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Final Boss Mode
By the time Voldemort tried to recruit him, Snape:
1. Punched the Dark Mark off his own arm.
2. Replaced Voldemort’s wand with a rubber chicken.
3. Invented a spell called "No More Horcruxus", which auto-deleted Voldemort’s immortality.
4. Became Minister of Magic, Supreme Mugwump, and the head of the Hogwarts Board of Governors.
By the time Harry Potter was born, Snape was already richer than the Malfoys, more powerful than Dumbledore, and more terrifying than McGonagall with a bad grade book.
And best of all?
He never had to teach a single dunderheaded student ever again.
The End.