I Need a Beer and a Fresh Cigarette
Constantine had just spent the last day trying to ward off some random demon from wreaking havoc on the Earth or whatever the hell it was they liked to do and only just got to relax.
Safe to say he was fucking tired and it was only mid day.
Since he could barely lift his arms he was using some basic levitation to smoke his cigarette. As he stubbed it out on the wall behind him he heard some scuffling just around the corner. He turned and saw a little kid with too-big clothes draped over his skinny frame and taped-up glasses perched on his shocked face. He had a couple of bruises and scratches on his arms, which was slightly concerning since the fucker only looked about 4 years old.
The kid let out a squeak once he noticed Constantine saw him and ducked around the corner. But the kid hesitated and looked back around as if he wanted to say something but was scared.
“You want something, kid?” Constantine asked gruffly.
The kid looked surprised at being addressed but straightened up nonetheless. “Uh, I, um-sir, I was just wondering how you made that float?” he pointed his small finger at the ashen cigarette stub on the pavement.
Constantine wasn’t one for bullshitting around so he simply replied, “Magic.”
The kid did not leave him alone, as he had hoped, and instead trotted closer to him. “Really?” he asked with wide eyes, “My aunt and uncle don’t like when I use that word.”
“What, magic?” Constantine tried to remember if he accidentally said any swear words in front of the kid.
“Mhm,” the kid nodded, “they said it’s not real, but I made one of my toys float too the other day.”
“You saying you did magic?” Constantine knew kids were fucking liars, so he only took this kids words with a grain of salt. Plus, born magic users were really rare, “all 2 apples tall of ya?”
“Hey! I’m taller than 2 apples! I’m five years old! At least my wrinkles aren’t wrinkling like yours!” Ah, so Constantine had been a bit off on the age, which was concerning because that means the kid was probably pretty malnourished.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s all well and good but I don’t see you doing any magic right now.”
The kid seemed surprised that Constantine didn’t fall for any bullshit, but screwed up his face while looking at the cigarette stub. He looked like an angry kitten, and Constantine only stayed because he felt no real threat. Suddenly the cigarette shakily floated up into the air before falling back down again. The kid looked mighty pleased with himself as he sent a tooth-gapped smile at Constantine.
“See, told you I could do it.”
“Well I’ll be damned,” Constantine sighed, “how’d you learn to do that?”
“Nobody taught me, I just do it.”
Wow, real helpful, kid, he didn’t say out loud
“Can you teach me magic? I’d have to hide it from my family, but it looks so cool!”
Constantine let out a breath through his nose. The kid had him stuck between a rock and a hard place. This kid had obviously been abused to some extent, and had some natural magic he had some degree of control over at a young age. Constantine didn’t really care about kids all too much, or anyone for that matter, but who knows what would happen if he left this kid to his own devices? His magic could become explosive or he could end up as a bitter magic user, and as a bitter magic user himself, Constantine didn’t fancy someone else having to go through that. He was not equipped to care for a kid in any capacity, considering he spent a lot of time in hell, so he offered the next best thing. Plus, this kid was a bit of an asshole, so he could work with that.
“Ah to hell with it,” Constantine pulled out a small notepad and used some magic to make a duplicate of it. He wrapped strands of glowing energy around the two of them to connect them and handed one to the kid, who had been watching eagerly, “here’s a notebook. It’s connected to the one I have here. I’ll teach you some magic, but I’ve got shit of my own I have to take care of, so I can’t always teach you. If you write in your book, it’ll pop up in mine and we can communicate. Got all that?”
The kid nodded vigorously and snatched the book out of Constantine’s hands. He looked like he was about the burst with excitement and it made Constantine snort.
“Alright, kid, I ought to be on my way now.”
“Wait!” the kid yelled just as Constantine began to turn around, “what’s your name?”
“You can call me Constantine.”
“Can-ston-tame?” the kid tilted his head like a confused puppy. Right, he was like five, they weren’t known for being able to pronounce words correctly.
“Eh, just call me John for now then.”
“Alright John, my names Harry! Harry Potter.”
“I’ll see you, then, Harry.” Constantine said, tapping his notepad. He had a long date with a bottle of whiskey and his bed.
“Bye!” the kid cheered before skipping around the corner.
…
“Hey John, I saw you on TV yesterday.” Harry told him. The kid was about seven years old now and John had not gotten attached to him at all. He was teaching him magic in the park close to the kids house. They were under privacy spells so that nobody questioned the kid trying to draw demon symbols on his book. John had gotten him a few textbooks and started teaching him Latin, and the kid was doing swimmingly. He was also really good at hiding this from his abusive relatives, the sneaky piece of shit.
“Did you, now? Well what’d you see?”
“You were with that superhero group called the Justice League, weren’t you? They said you helped stop an alien invasion and then flipped off Superman!” he said all this in one breath with an excited air, like he loved the idea of being disrespectful to public icons. Constantine was teaching him well.
“Yeah, the fuckers called me up to save their asses and then wanted me to come back for paperwork and a debrief. I told them to piss off and that I’ll do whatever I bloody please.”
“Are you gonna be a member of the Justice League now?”
“Hell no, a bunch of poncy assholes, they are.”
“That’s wicked.”
“Thank you, but that doesn’t mean you get out of reciting your Latin to me.”
The kid groaned and Constantine chuckled.
Not getting attached, my ass.
…
“Merry Christmas, John!” Harry chirped, dropping a poorly wrapped gift on the table in front of him. He was about nine now and Constantine had decided to take him to a cafe for their lesson today since it was cold as shit outside. To be honest he’d forgotten it was Christmas, but he was glad it was since the kids relatives sure as shit didn’t care. Constantine was pretty sure he said they made him sleep in a cupboard, so he had subtly taught him how to use an extension spell, citing its usefulness in expanding rooms specifically. He didn’t know why he’d kept the kid around this long, but he was a sweet kid, so Constantine did a summoning spell for his bag and searched through it for something to give the kid.
“Merry Christmas, Harry,” Constantine said, pulling an old enchanted bracelet out of his bag. It was adjustable for the kids small wrists and was woven with tight brown string. Constantine hadn’t used it in years, “this for you. It’s enchanted to ward off bad dreams, and most magical folk can’t detect it.”
“Woah,” the kid took the bracelet reverently and slipped it on his wrist. He almost had tears in his eyes and, shit, the kid was neglected, this was probably his first Christmas gift, “thanks! Now open my gift!”
Constantine undid the wrapping paper and revealed a crappy arts and craft project. It was a macaroni necklace the kid had obviously made himself. Underneath it was a drawing of a stick figure Constantine wearing his trench coat and a little kid with black hair, round glasses, green eyes, and a little lightning scar right next to him. They were holding hands.
“Wow, kid,” why was Constantine getting choked up? “this is great, I think I’m gonna start teaching you some actual spells soon since you’ve mastered the basics of rituals and Latin.”
“That’s fucking awesome!” Harry yelled, pumping his fist in the air.
“Hey, when did I teach you to swear?” Constantine demanded incredulously.
“About the same time you were teaching me how to, and I quote, ‘swindle a cheating fucking demon off their high horse’.”
“Eh, sounds about right.”
Constantine kept the necklace and drawing.
…
“So why can’t I do that spell?”
“You know what the consequences are, Harry, I taught you about this.”
The kid pouted as if he didn’t want to just do a ritual to summon a demon.
“Yeah, yeah, there’s consequences to everything, I get it.”
“Aye, just be glad I’m your teacher and not some fella with a stick up their ass. Or be glad you didn’t have to learn everything yourself. I almost lost my dick doing that.”
The kid made a face to that before adopted a shit eating grin. “Eh, I think there’s still an argument to be made for you having a stick up your ass.”
“Wow, what happened to you thinking I was cool?”
“I guess I learned how to talk my way out of being trapped in hell, and you blatantly ignored all the guidelines for avoiding that place last month when you got trapped.”
“That wasn’t my fault, the damn Justice League needed information. So they were like, ‘Hey Constantine, we’ll send your sorry ass down there while we sit here on our little Watchtower and eat popcorn’ so I couldn’t make it to our last lesson on time. I gave you enough reading material to not get yourself blown up though, and don’t think I didn’t notice your eyebrows having to grow back.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the kid lied, wiggling his eyebrows at him, “will you ever take me to the Watchtower one day?”
“You wanna meet the Justice League? Have I not told you about them being rule-following assholes?”
“But they’re in space,” the little shit replied, “that decreases their asshole percentage somewhat.”
“You’re hopeless,” Constantine shook his head, “and no, you’re not going to the Watchtower.”
“Damn.”
…
Zatanna was fucking unavailable that day, and they needed him to do a ritual that involved at least two magic users.
“Fine, but I need some help doing this. I’ll have to go get some help from my associate,” he did not mention his associate was all of ten years old.
“You know we can help you if-“ Superman began.
“Eh, yeah, no.” Constantine interrupted. “I need magical help, and none of you have the magic for that.”
“You have an associate?” Flash asked as he leaned forward.
“In a sense? I know someone who’s capable enough of helping.”
“Well then you can bring them here if you need to.”
“Ha! Hell no!” Constantine said over his shoulder as he used the zeta tube out of there and into London.
Meet me at the park for some practical experience ASAP. He wrote to Harry in their shared notepad while setting up privacy wards. When he was done he saw the kid trotting over to him eating a granola bar. Good for him, Constantine had been teaching him how to steal and pickpocket, and was glad he put it to use. Goodness knows he needed to become better at stealing food from his relatives.
“Alright kid, here’s the deal. The Justice League needs us to do a ritual to summon and question a demon for information on an undead sorcerer that’s been going around terrorizing a town. You’re gonna help me draw the summoning circle and do some of the spells necessary to keep it active while I question the demon.”
“Woah, I’m helping on a Justice League mission,” the kid smiled while putting the granola bar in his pocket.
“Correction, you’re getting some practical experience in demon summoning since this particular spell requires two people.”
“I thought you said no demon summoning until I was at least twelve?”
“Yeah, by yourself. This is under my strict supervision.”
“Never pegged you for someone responsible.” the kid mused. Constantine smacked him lightly over the back of his head.
“Never assume I’m responsible, now here’s what we gotta draw.”
The kid was surprisingly pretty good at drawing these ritual circles. Probably all of the drilling of numbers and symbols Constantine had done into his head. He’d be damned if a kid was going to die doing magic because of his shitty teaching.
“Alright now you need to continuously chant these words while I talk to the fucker, okay?”
“Sir yes sir!” the kid grinned, knowing Constantine didn’t like being called that.
“Yeah, alright ya little shit, get to it.”
The kids performance was overall good, considering this was his first demon summoning. He almost tripped up on the words a few time and gave Constantine a mini heart attack, but at least the demon wasn’t too dangerous, just really fucking annoying. It was a good opportunity to teach the kid more about lying and how to be an asshole, and it took a little bit longer for him to get back to the Watchtower because he was teaching the kid how to properly clean up after summoning a demon to make sure the fuckers didn’t come back to slit your throat in your sleep. He thinks the kid got it, fortunately. But then the kid decided to click his heels as he was walking home, losing Constantine’s respect. Honestly, why did he keep this kid around?
…
“Hey John, I got an invitation to a magical school!” Harry said. His eleventh birthday was coming up in a week, not that Constantine was keeping track or anything.
“Awhatt?” Constantine spat out his beer. “Why’re they contacting you now?”
“I dunno, they said they await my owl. Do you know that that means? They even gave a list and it has wands and robes on it.” the kids nose wrinkled up in distaste and Constantine agreed.
“The hell you need a wand for? You’re doing perfectly fine without one. Do you have the letter?”
“Yeah, here.” the kid pulled a slightly crumpled letter for a school named Hogwarts out of his pockets and the list was frankly ridiculous. Robes, wands, hats, the works. They even said no brooms, what type of stereotypical fucking magic school was this to have to specify that? Constantine wasn’t entirely sure this wasn’t a hoax.
“Lemme go investigate this, kid,” Constantine finally decided on, “and I’ll let you know what I find.”
“Are you going to ask Zatanna?” the kid smirked. “She’s pretty, you should ask her out.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you.” Constantine cut him off.
“Oh, come on,” the kid looked up to him with puppy dog eyes, “at least let me meet her, she seems awesome!”
“We’ll see. Keep your communication notepad with you.”
“Never leave home without it.”
…
“Hey, Zatanna, you know about a school named Hogwarts?” Constantine asked at the end of a Justice League mission. They had just finished beating up some inter-dimensional demons and were out of earshot from the rest of the League.
“Hm, sounds familiar,” she contemplated, “why are you asking, John?”
“Well this kid I know just got a letter from the damn place, and it looks like a scam.” John handed her the letter and supply list. She scanned over the letter and her eyes widened slightly.
“Ohhh yeah, I know this place now. It’s legit, I can show you and the kid around for supplies if you want. Just dress incognito.”
“Fine,” John sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, “the kid said he wanted to meet you, anyway,” looked like the kid would be getting what he wanted, little shit.
Zatanna smiled and Constantine tried to mentally prepare. He needed a fucking cigarette.
…
“Hi Miss Zatanna! It’s nice to meet you!” the kid beamed up at her with a smile on his face. He was wearing a black hat that matched the same one Constantine had paired with a long black jacket rather than his usual brown trench coat. It covered both of their faces nicely, and Zatanna was in an equally inconspicuous outfit and purple baseball cap over her hair which was done up in a braid. She was smiling at the kid who had suddenly decided to put on his best polite face for the day.
“Hello, Harry, was it? It’s nice to meet you.”
“Yup, that’s me! Does John talk about me a lot?”
“Can’t say he does all the time, to be frank, but he has mentioned you,” Zatanna shot Constantine a reproachful look.
“Hm, that’s okay, I guess,” Harry nodded, “I don’t talk about him at all.”
Zatanna laughed and Harry continued to talk her ear off while they walked towards the wizard bank, Gringotts. The kid was like a hyperactive puppy and Zatanna was trying to answer all of his magical questions to the best of her ability, despite this place obviously having a different magic system than both her and Constantine were used to. They probably wouldn’t react well to the fact he taught a kid to summon demons, but at least he taught him how to do it responsibly.
“So how’d you and John meet?” Zatanna asked conversationally as they waited in line at the bank.
“Well I saw him doing magic and asked him to teach me, since I could do it too.”
“Yeah after he called me old,” Constantine grunted, “little shit.”
“John!” Zatanna reprimanded, “You can’t call a kid a little shit.”
“Nah it’s okay,” Harry said, “if I’m a little shit, then he’s one of those big shits that come out of chihuahuas.”
Constantine barked out a laugh as Zatanna shook her head and said, “Yeah, it’s obvious you taught him.”
“Next!” one of the goblins at the counter grunted.
“Hello,” Zatanna said all diplomatically, “this is Harry Potter and we were wondering if he had any vaults or savings available to him.”
The goblins eyes widened for seemingly no reason and his razor sharp glare was now pinned on Harry. “Mr. Potter, you say. Does he have his key?”
“Uh, no, sir.” Harry hesitated.
“Hm, we can do a test to confirm it’s you and make a new key,” the goblin huffed.
“Sure!”
The test was a fucking blood test. Constantine had to check that they weren’t using his blood for anything demon-related before allowing Harry to even think about letting them cut his hand. He explained the entire checking process to Harry low enough that the goblins couldn’t hear so that the kid could do it on his own in the future. Constantine didn’t notice Zatanna looking at him a bit shocked yet fondly.
“Well, welcome back Mr. Potter,” the goblin stated after looking at the identity confirmation — what the hell was that about? “We’ll take you down to your vault right now.”
The cart ride would’ve been a nightmare if Constantine hadn’t traveled to hell and back. What he didn’t understand was how the kid was having such a joyous time while Constantine had to make sure he didn’t fall out of the damn cart.
Maybe the kid was so happy because he could sense the literal piles of fucking gold he had in his vault that he didn’t even know about. To say the bag Constantine brought wouldn’t have been big enough without the extension spells on it would’ve been a massive understatement. As it was, Constantine wasn’t an amateur and came prepared.
“Look, now I can get you a good present!” Harry was practically bouncing as he turned around with his bag of money - galleons, whatever the hell they called money here, “Don’t worry Zatanna, I’ll get you something good too!”
“Oh, come on,” Constantine said, “you made those gifts yourself, don’t let anyone put down your handiwork or else you’ll never be able to properly charge for what you can do.”
Harry smiled shyly and Constantine could practically see Zatanna’s heart melting. No, no, fuck, this was ruining his reputation. Whatever, he would slam a bottle of whiskey after this or something.
The ride back out of the bank was better, but that was probably because they had something to show for it. They went to buy potions ingredients first since Constantine was curious about the ingredients they had. Nothing too potent or illegal, unfortunately. He felt Harry silently felt the same sentiments. They got a lot of books since none of them knew about this magical world. Luckily there was a section about “introductions to the wizarding world” that Constantine would binge read tonight. He also got some extra books on wizarding society and the dark arts, but Harry and Zatanna didn’t need to notice that, nor the fact that he stole them. He suspected the kid knew anyway. Then Harry went to get his robes fitted, and Zatanna wanted to get him some ice cream next door. She was getting attatched, it seemed like the kid had that effect.
“No, the kid likes chocolate ice cream,” Constantine said.
“You know him really well,” Zatanna commented with a smile.
“Yeah, well, I knew him since he was five so I hope so.”
“Wow, and he’s eleven now?” she asked, “Never would’ve imagined you to be so protective of a kid.”
“Yeah well you never would’ve expected Batman to have a kid dressed up like a traffic light in Gotham, would ya, but here we are.”
“Fair,” Zatanna said as Harry finally came out of the robe shop and headed towards them.
“Thanks,” he grinned taking the ice cream from Zatanna, “I met a kid named Draco Malfoy, he seems like a dick. Started talking about things like ‘Purebloods’ and ‘Quidditch’ and how important his family is.”
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Constantine grumbled, “sounds like some prejudice shit, but I’ll look into it.”
“Thanks, John,” the kid said, “what’s next on our list?”
“Hm, I think the last thing on our list is a wand.”
“I still don’t see why I need a wand, I can do plenty without one.”
“Wizards usually use wands as a magical focus,” Zatanna replied, “it’s probably most compatible with the magic you were born with, but not all magic users need one.”
“Wicked,” the kid said, “so you can still teach me, John, now I’m just learning two types of magic.”
“Yay,” Constantine deadpanned, “I get to see more of your snarky ass.”
Harry threw a cherry at him.
…
The kids wand was apparently the same as the one as You-Know-Who, who gave him his lighting bolt scar. He had no idea what that wand maker had been on, but Constantine definitely wanted some of it. After parting with Zatanna and dropping Harry off at home, he looked up about wizarding history.
Apparently Harry was famous and “You-Know-Who” was actually a dark lord fucking terrorist that tried to kill him when he was a baby. What the actual fuck? Now Constantine would have to break the news to him, and he and Harry both knew how dark lords worked. Voldemort’s death in the book was ambiguous at best, and if there was no body these magical fuckers were usually still alive somewhere. Their wizarding society was also extremely prejudiced and even had their own slurs and slavery. Harry’s parents hadn’t died in a car crash like he’d been told, but had been killed by the same dark lord that tried to kill him. They used fucking quills and ink to write, which Constantine already knew but was utterly ridiculous. He would buy Harry some extra notebooks and “muggle” writing supplies anyway to take with him.
Constantine was a coward. He ended up going back to Diagon Alley and bought the kid a snowy owl he’d been enchanted by while they were there before breaking the news to him. He didn’t sugarcoat anything, since the kid didn’t deserve to have that done to him.
The kid took it a lot better than he expected, although he was still devastated. At least the owl was trying to cheer him up.
“I hate my aunt and uncle,” he stated, “they’re fucking liars!”
“I can always send them to hell if you want?”
“Nah,” Harry snorted, “they’ll make it there all on their own.”
Which, yeah, honestly. That was pretty fair.
…
My relatives got mad that I’m going to a magic school and refuse to drive me. Can you take me to Kings Cross on September 1st?
Sure, what time? Constantine wrote back on their shared notepads.
He ended up dropping Harry off and watching from a distance as he found the platform, which a nice red-headed lady and her many kids helped him get on. Harry sent him a discreet wave before going through the wall. Constantine smirked and turned on his heel out of the station. Hopefully the kid made some friends that weren’t asshats.