Advice Appreciated
Hey John,
Got sorted into Gryffindor, that’s the house for brave people, apparently. If you say bravery equals stupidity I’ll set your damn underwear on fire. Classes are pretty cool so far, and this magic is a lot different. Don’t worry, I’m still keeping up with your lessons and reading, and the Latin practice has really helped here. I’m not gonna tell anyone that I’ve summoned a demon before, though. I sense it wouldn’t really go down well. I made a friend named Ron, he’s pretty cool and has a hell of a lot of brothers. After the initial shock he didn’t really care that I’m the “Boy Who Lived” or whatever other bullshit. I’m glad about that. Also I met this guy named Hagrid, he’s the groundskeeper.Pretty cool guy, said he knew my parents. Me and Ron saved a girl named Hermione from a troll on Halloween. The troll was uglier than you, so that gives you an idea to how horrendous they are. Anyway though, Hermione’s our friend now, and she’s hella smart. I also got on the Quidditch team as a seeker, and the captain might have to be checked for insanity. Hope you didn’t get trapped in hell again, otherwise I’d have to drag your sorry ass out, and I have homework to do.
Your asshole kid,
Harry
…
Merry Christmas John,
I sent you a present, although I don’t know if it will arrive in time. One for Zatanna is also attached, so make sure to give that to her. Anyway I got an invisibility cloak from an anonymous person. I already checked it for anything demonic, so don’t worry. They said it was my dad’s, which is nice. I’m gonna fuck with so many people (and demons) with this. Actually, we should probably test if it works on demons before I go risking my life. Ew, nevermind, that sounds like something a responsible person would do. Anyway They’re hiding something in the third floor corridor guarded by a giant three-headed dog, so I’m probably gonna check that out.
Don’t be a stranger, you’re already weird enough,
Harry
…
Harry,
Remember that a Cerberus is, at its core, a dog. A deadly one, but still a dog. It’ll probably be distracted by a ball or some fun music. Don’t die or whatever, and make sure you’re not stupid. Keep up with your reading and magic exercises, because I’m not fucking reteaching you over the summer. Might be in hell for a few days, so I’ll probably respond to letters late. Thanks for the Christmas present, highly appreciated. I would’ve sent a beer along with yours, but that probably wouldn’t fly well with the school. If you ever see Green Lantern, remember he owes me ten American dollars. Never trust that fucker, kid, I’m about to set a curse on him. If you find any good hexes at that school of yours let me know.
Constantine
…
Hi Zatanna!
I got you this notebook for Christmas, since me and John already have one like it. It helps us message each other since technology gets finicky around magic at Hogwarts. Anyway you seem cool and I was wondering if you knew who Nicolas Flamel was? Or is? I’m actually not sure if he’s dead. School’s going good, but none of them are as big of assholes as John. Except maybe my potions professor. His names Snape and he hates me for some reason. I might have to explode a potion in his face or something, just to show him. He thinks I’m arrogant, which like, yeah, John taught me so of course I’m a dick, but this was on the first day so he shouldn’t have known that. That makes me think it’s personal, but whatever, I couldn’t really give a shit about him. Hope things are going well with the Justice League or whatever other magical things you get up to. I’m guessing you don’t summon many demons, so I’m wondering what it is that you can do. You don’t cast spells with a wand, right?
Anyway bye,
Harry
…
John,
Might’ve accidentally killed a man. Have been passed out for 3 days. Will send update.
Harry
…
Hey John,
Don’t worry, the man was actually working for that Voldemort guy. He literally had him sticking out of the back of his head. He was my Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, ironically, and I actually killed him by accident, that wasn’t an exaggeration. I’m not getting expelled or anything, though, so it’s whatever. Voldemort escaped, I think. Dumbledore (the headmaster) was being vague. I’ll give the full story during the summer, so make sure you’re at Kings Cross to pick me up at the end of the year. I prefer to have as little contact with my relatives as possible.
Harry
…
“So that was why your head had been hurting the whole year?”
“Yup.”
“And you killed him?”
“By accident.”
“Right.”
“Right.”
“Well not much we can do about it now, lemme teach ya some good protection spells.”
“Cool.”
…
The kid was actually pretty decent at spells both with and without his wand, so Constantine was mostly keeping him out of the house to practice away from his relatives.
“I thought we couldn’t practice magic over the summer?”
“Yeah but as long as you’re with me I can nullify the enchantment that detects your magic use.”
“That’s brilliant!” Harry cheered, “Does it work at the Dursley’s?”
“No, you’d have to be with me specifically.”
“Hm, damn, but that doesn’t stop me from pretending I can use magic to scare them.”
“Wow and here I thought I almost had to increase your ‘How to be an Asshole’ lessons.”
“Shove off.”
…
“My friends haven’t been writing me, John.”
“Eh, kids get busy, maybe they got stuff to do.”
“Yeah but I sent them a bunch of letters and they didn’t respond.”
“Do they have owls?”
“Huh,” Harry contemplated, “I don’t actually know. I guess they could just use Hedwig if they had to since she’s delivering the letter.”
“Or maybe your owls a dick like you and decided to leave early.”
“Ugh, piss off.”
…
“Hey, Ron sent me a letter! He wants me tocome over to his house for the rest of the summer! Could you take me there?”
Of course the letters finally sent through. Constantine found a fucking house elf intercepting them. He had to lightly threaten the little guy and felt like an asshole. The elf started crying and shit and Constantine got so uncomfortable that he was almost polite. Key word almost.
“Yeah, sure, as long as they drop you off at Kings Cross Station.”
“Wow, I’d almost think you didn’t want to take me yourself.”
“You’d almost think right, but yeah, I can take you.”
…
Hey John
They had to regrow the bones in my arm, I think it was a house elf that sent a bludger after me. Hate the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, but I’m still debating on sending him to hell. He seems like he’d just write a book about it. Someone turned into stone, so I’ll probably investigate that. I’m also hearing voices in the walls? You got any idea what that could be besides schizophrenia?
Harry
…
John
I just escaped from a giant fucking spider. Holy shit that was sick. His name was Aragog and I’m not 100% sure he’s not a demon. I asked, he said no. Either way that thing that was going around petrifying people? It terrifies spiders. Any knowledge would be appreciated.
Harry
…
John,
I just killed a basilisk and freed a house elf. Turns out the basilisk was the one petrifying people, so problem solved. I have a crazy scar on my arm now and my Defense teacher will no longer be a problem (he’s still alive though). Exams were cancelled, so that’s a plus. See ya during summer.
Harry
…
“Whatcha doing, kid?”
“Forging a signature.”
“For what?”
“To go to the village next to the school called Hogsmeade.”
“What’s up with this fucking school and hogs?”
“Maybe someone else was hogging up all the good names.”
“…”
“Sorry, I’ll go now.”
…
Hey John,
They didn’t even let me go to the damn village because there’s a “mass murderer” out for my blood. Bullshit if you ask me. I snuck out anyway but I need your help on how to ward off dementors, soul sucking demons. There’s the Patronus Charm but that shits hard as fuck, so it’ll take me a while to learn and they have these things guarding the whole school.
My divination teacher is also batshit insane,
Harry
…
John,
Apparently Sirius Black (the aforementioned mass murderer) is my godfather? And he betrayed my parents to Voldemort? Might have to kill a hoe intentionally this year.
Harry
…
I went back in time John,
It was only for like 3 hours but I saved a hippogriff, and Sirius Black who’s actually not a murderer. Apparently Peter Pettigrew actually betrayed them, but he escaped. Did you know he was living as Ron’s rat for 12 years? That’s fucking creepy, mate! I’ll give the full story this summer, but I feel kinda violated right now. I mean he’s a grown ass man and was living in my dorm too!
I’m going to go scream into my pillow now,
Harry
…
“I still think Quidditch is a bullshit sport, you know.”
“That’s because you’re made of bullshit. Besides, I’m a seeker, so don’t be a dick.”
“You see, that’s where you went wrong. I’m always a dick.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Looks like you’re not going to the Quidditch World Cup, then.”
“Eh, not many regrets on my end. Anyways, the League needs me for a mission anyway, so I might be off world for a bit.”
“Ha, good luck on that one, have fun.”
“Yeah, you too or whatever, you little shit.”
…
Holy shit my name was just chosen out of the Goblet of Fire. They say I have to compete in the Triwizard Tournament now because of a magical contract, but I didn’t put my name in. I don’t know what happened, John. Do you know any way to get me out of this?
Harry
…
Shit I think I have to compete now. I know you’re on a Justice League mission but please let me know when you’re back. Zatanna isn’t responding to me either.
Harry
…
Just outflew a dragon, and my clue for the next task is a golden egg that screeches when you open it. Any clue what that could be?
Harry
…
Cedric helped me with the egg, and I’ve got some time before the third task starts. Please let me know if you’re okay.
Harry
…
FUCK, Voldemort’s back, John, and nobody believes me besides Dumbledore and my friends. He killed Cedric and I don’t know what to do. There was some freaky light spell when our wands connected and I saw my parents ghosts. Dumbledore says it’s because our wands have twin cores but I’m freaking out. I would’ve died if that didn’t happen since I was too injured to use any of the magic you taught me. My leg was almost poisoned from an acromantula scratch, and my scar is hurting like hell whenever I’m near Voldemort. Respond soon.
Harry
…
Fucking hell John,
It’s been months and you haven’t responded. I’m getting weird dreams and my scar is hurting after. I need your goddamn input you piece of shit and I nobody’s giving me any meaningful response to my letters. Please be alive.
Harry