Whenever You Breathe Out, I Breathe In (Positive Negative)
After finishing his second cigarette Remus threw on his robes and made his way down to breakfast. He readied himself for the day, he knew how to suck it up and perform normalcy for the sake of others. The strangest part was how easy it was for him to do, he could almost forget he was a miserable bastard when he had to put on a show of lucidity. Entering the Great Hall he caught a flash of rich copper hair and watched as Lily joined her friends at the table, her smile easy.
Lily was one of the first people to befriend him at school, no doubt taking pity on him sitting alone in the library for so many days. He had a great deal to catch up on in those first months and made a home for himself among the towers of dusty books. Lily would pass through often and give him a friendly wave, studying on her own or with her friends, until one day she sat next to Remus without a word. From then on he was engulfed in friendship with her and her friends, Mary and Marlene.
“Worst kiss of my life, I swear - Morning Remus,” Mary turned towards him as he sat down next to her, her dark curls bouncing with the movement, before focusing back on Marlene and Lily, “The boys in our year are fuckin’ dreadful.”
He took some rather large bites of toast, and let their conversation wash over him. The girls had a way of distracting him from himself with their gossip, which Remus had come to feel grateful for. He listened on with mindless contentment, trying his best to care about the techniques of snogging or the pros and cons of dating below your age level.
Lily met his eyes from across the table as she leaned forward, “Walk with me to Potions, yeah?”
As he nodded in agreement his attention was pulled to the entrance where James, Peter, and Sirius rushed in, looking flushed and sweaty. He stared up into silver eyes and watched a smile grow on Sirius’s face. They made room for themselves at the table, James sliding in next to Lily, causing her to roll her eyes and huff, Sirius next to him, and Peter beside Remus.
“You lot bloody reek,” Lily clutched at her nose, leaning away from them towards Marlene, who cradled her head closer like she could physically shield her from their odor.
“The smell of a real man, Evans,” James replied with a wink, puffing his chest up and broadening his shoulders. She must’ve kicked him under the table because he dove forwards to clutch at his shin seconds later.
“Alright, Moony,” Sirius said for greeting, and Remus’s amber eyes locked onto his. He had sparse beads of sweat on his forehead and small black waves of hair stuck to the skin around his hairline, longer strands which clung to his neck.
Remus nearly forgot to reply, “Morning, Pads.”
•
Lily tucked his arm into the crook of her elbow and pulled him off into the hall as they headed towards class. She glanced over her shoulder to ensure the others weren’t too close behind them, “Thought I might have to wipe the drool off your chin for a minute in there. I gather your crush is still going strong?”
“Oh Christ, Lily, I wish you could drop this,” Remus dragged a hand over his face, pulling heavy on his eyes. If she hadn’t been able to see right through him he would’ve never admitted to his feelings for Sirius, “He’s not interested, I’m trying to move on.”
“Hard to move on when you can’t seem to look anywhere else,” She laughed, “I’m not sure it’s so hopeless Remus, he watches you just the same.”
They settled into their seats in class, Lily declaring him her partner for the day, and he happily let her lead the charge on their draught of living death while professor Slughorn droned on in the background. James and Sirius made a wreck of theirs, to their apparent delight, giggling as the cauldron boiled over, sloshing tar-like goo onto the table.
The rest of his day passed by easily. He sat next to James in Charms, giving him the opportunity to prattle on about Lily, ask about his friendship with her and if she had mentioned him at all, to which Remus couldn’t resist barking a laugh. He saw Peter in Herbology and the poor lad seemed knackered, though athleticism was never his strong suit, the early morning exercise must have drained him. He caught a quick smoke before heading to Defense Against the Dark Arts and walked in late to see an empty seat saved next to Sirius, whose eyes were trained to the door.
A smile broke out wide on his face as Remus entered, though it seemed like he was making attempts to reign it in, and Remus felt the corners of his own lips pulling up. They didn’t say much, Sirius was unusually quiet, but the two found entertainment in messing with Peter and James in front of them- causing James’s notebook to fall off his desk or jostling Peter’s chair as he tried to concentrate on a spell. By the end of the lesson they were red from trying to hold in laughs.
When he lay in bed that night he tried to hold onto the warmth of the day- the kindness in Lily’s smile, the brotherhood that existed between him and the three boys slumbering around him. But in the quiet dark of the room, a coldness settled into Remus’s bones and he remembered the empty feeling in his chest.
____
He spotted the fluffy curls of Remus’s hair instantly as he, James, and Peter ran into the breakfast hall, late from the quidditch field. His feet started their automatic path towards him when those golden amber eyes turned to meet his and a feeling like relief washed over him. He dropped himself down beside James, across from Remus, but Remus wasn’t looking at him anymore. Sirius could hear James making a fool of himself with Lily but he was too distracted by his desire for Remus to look at him again, to say something to him, let him hear his melodic Welsh accent.
“Alright, Moony”
Maybe it wasn’t subtle but it did the job because Remus’s head snapped to face him, giving Sirius the attention he was begging for. He looked over the tan skin of his face, the white shine of a scar that dipped close to his chapped lips, the light freckles that dotted themselves across his nose and cheeks.
“Morning, Pads”
He needed to come up with something else to say or Remus was going to look away again. He was going insane, this was his best friend, he was overthinking it. Fuck, he loooked away.
Sirius resigned himself to joining in with James and boasting about their quidditch skills, throwing a couple flirty lines at Mary when she whinged on about her boy problems, and eating his breakfast. His eyes fought their way to Remus throughout the conversation, only to check if he was ever looking back at him- he wasn’t.
He and James headed off towards Potions, after saying goodbye to Peter by roughing up his hair, which earned Sirius a slap on the arm. They could see Remus and Lily walking ahead of them in the distance, her arm wrapped around Remus’s.
James pouted, “She’s just so lovely, Sirius, I don’t know how to make her like me.”
“Why don’t you ask Remus, he seems to be doing alright,” Sirius grumbled. He felt a pang of annoyance as Lily leaned heavy on Remus’s arm and threw her head back with a laugh. How did she earn so much of his time when Sirius felt like he had to fight for it.
They took spots at the back in potions and failed miserably to create a draught of liquid death, although the thing looked like hell so maybe they weren’t that far off. They weren’t bad at potions, weren’t bad in any subject really, but neither was especially talented at paying attention in class. His eyes drifted over to where Lily and Remus sat, Lily was showing Remus how to properly stir the mixture.
James pulled his focus back, “This cannot be right,” he said through a laugh. He added the sopophorous bean juice to their churning mixture and the substance began bubbling fiercely, spilling out onto the desk. He and James were in inconsolable fits of laughter as Slughorn ran over and attempted to remedy the situation.
He continued on through his classes for the day, trying not to think too much. Remus seemed in good spirits today, a little quiet, but better than he had been since his last transformation. He was going to see him again in Defense Against the Dark Arts and planned to listen to James- he would give Remus some space, try not to be such an arsehole.
•
Remus was going to be late, that swotty little bookworm was going to be late to class. Sirius saved a seat for him at his table, allowing Peter to plop happily beside James, and took turns between staring at the clock and staring at the door. When Remus appeared in the doorway he felt a smile overtake his face, overpowering his attempts to keep his expression straight.
He smelled like cigarettes as he wordlessly took his place by Sirius. Merlin, he needed to say something, it was so difficult for Sirius to play at minding his own business and this lesson was boring him to death. When Remus raised his wand and sent James’s book falling to the floor, Sirius felt like he could cry. He was utterly delighted to have Moony back in his mischievous tendencies, to know Sirius well enough to see that he needed this. He made heroic attempts to hold back his laughter and responded by launching Peter’s quill out of his grasp, a trail of ink plotting its course. He turned back to meet amber eyes wide with elation, and watched as Remus curled forward in his seat, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter.