Goodbye
September 5,1976
As the dark blue tone of the sky gradually brightened, he stepped on the fall foliage and moved towards the forest. The forest was asleep along with everyone else.
Everyone was asleep except for the sounds of owls, rustling leaves, a handful of stars, the half moon behind the gray clouds and Sirius, who was getting deeper into the forest with his wand in his hand.
When he found a wide open space, he adjusted his posture and closed his eyes. He brought the memory to his mind.
A small black-haired head, watching the snow-covered night that somehow seemed brighter than the earth behind the tall, narrow window with black frames covered with iron guards outside, rose on tiptoe to hold on to the edge of the window, watching the snowflakes floating behind the glass that his breath had fogged.
Right next to him, a smaller little head, standing on his toes but about to cry because he couldn't see outside, was jumping in place and trying to watch the children running outside in the snow for a few seconds.
Sirius picked up his jumping brother and lifted him up a little off the ground. Regulus pressed his face to the glass with his rosy cheeks. When Sirius couldn't carry him any longer, he gently lowered him to the ground.
"I want to touch it." said little Regulus.
"Yeah, I know said." little Sirius.
"Tell me again." demanded Regulus.
Sirius stared out of the window. "Cold... But when you touch it , you don't get cold. You just get warm . It is soft and light on your hands. And it makes your skin hot when it melts. But it doesn't hurt. And it's..."
"It's what ? What is it ?" asked Regulus even though he listened to these sentences for the hundredth time.
Sirius looked at his brothers eyes and held his hands. He rushed towards the stairs and ran down without caring all the woods cracking sounds under their feet.
When Sirius reached the front door, he closed his eyes, concentrated, and reached out with his free hand. He could feel the warmth of the magic coursing through his fingers. The warmth had now spread to his entire arm.Sirius focused on the tickling magic, with a snap of his fingers the sounds of the lock turning were heard, the heavy black door slowly opened from its hinges.
Regulus held his breath, watching the snowflakes flowing into the house. He let go of Sirius' hand, went down the steps in front of the door and started spinning on the pavement illuminated by the yellow light of the street lamp, his arms outstretched. As the snow whitened his hair, Sirius came to him, he also opened his arms outstretched, his face up to the sky and started spinning. They were both laughing like children, the hot breaths coming out of their mouths dispersing in the cold air. They stopped spinning, dropping themselves onto the soft ground covered with snow. Now the snowflakes were freezing on their eyelashes. They were looking up at the bright sky with their rosy cheeks, wet hair and warm breaths, with smiles overflowing from their faces. Snowflakes falling towards the ground were changing direction with the wind and rising up into the sky again.
"And it's beautiful." whispered Sirius while the tears were running down on his chicks.
Sirius felt the memory of the past coursing through his veins now, he extended his wand forward.
"Expecto patronum."
When he opened his eyes, he saw a fluffy dog in a white halo running around him.
"Hi" he said.
The dog was wagging its tail happily as if in response, its ears perked up, its head slightly tilted to the side. Sirius sat down next to him. The dog put his head on Sirius' knee and laid down. A warm feeling filled him. The light of the dog lying on his knee was gradually fading. The feeling that filled him too. When only a white light cluster was left behind, Sirius felt cold. When he brought his hand close to that cluster of light, the light disappeared. He looked at his hand hanging in the air.
"Goodbye." he said.
As Sirius went to the Great Hall for breakfast, he wondered why his magic was weakening. The memory he had chosen had worked so far. In fact, it also had worked today, his patronus had formed, but his magic was not strong enough to keep him by his side. He tried to remember the Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons from last year. But after he and James formed a patronus, they had stopped listening to the lesson. They were busy with Quidditch plans, dyeing the Slytherins' hair, and betting on whether Peter's patronus would be a rat.
Sirius thought he could at least find the answer in Professor Wilkins' theory class for fifth years next week. He had been asked to create a patronus, and all it took was a few seconds for the patronus to appear.He didn't have to keep it for whole lesson. He thought there was nothing to worry about.
He hadn’t come to breakfast since the letter he got from his mother, in other words, the day he punched Regulus. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he ate. So he sat down and started eating the toast in front of him. He reached for the cup in front of him, pumpkin juice. Again! A coffee cup suddenly reached from across the table. When Sirius looked up, he met with James’s light brown eyes looking out from behind his crooked glasses. Sirius took the cup from his hand and set it on the table. James sat down across from him and started buttering the toast. Sirius turned his head and looked at the other end of the table. Remus was chatting with Lily. Sirius turned his eyes to James. James took a big bite of the buttered bread.
"It’s okay." he said as he continued to chew. The corners of his lips were covered in bread crumbs. James took the pumpkin juice in front of Sirius and downed it.
Sirius had stopped eating and was just watching him. He was trying to figure out if this was a joke or not.
"What do you think you are doing?" he asked.
"Having breakfast. You know you have to keep your form to play Quidditch." James said casually.
"I don't !" snapped Sirius.
James stopped chewing, swallowed the bite in his mouth as he realized what he said. He looked uncertain for a moment, but then he returned to his mode back.
He took another bite of his bread. "You know you can't be the only good looking boy here. Some of us need to put effort in it."
"Yeah, I can see that." Sirius looked at the crumbs in James's mouth with disgust.
"But you know it's not really fair you cut your hair. I mean you cut your hair like mine and ruining uniqueness of my hair."
"My hair is definitely and luckily not like yours." murmered Sirius under his breath.
"Hey! I heard THAT!"
Just as Sirius was about to answer, the smile on his face faded. He saw a pair of eyes looking at him from the table by the opposite wall. James had noticed the sudden change, as if he was trying to understand what had happened. Sirius stood up suddenly, motioned Regulus to the exit with his head. He left James where he was without saying anything.
Sirius had entered a dark, empty stall in the corridor. When he heard footsteps echoing outside, he reached out his hand, grabbed Regulus' arm, and pulled him to his side. Regulus stumbled at the sudden movement. The moment he caught his balance, he pulled his arm from Sirius's grasp. Sirius couldn't see a punch mark on Regulus' face. He wondered when he had last been to the hospital wing. The morning of that night... the morning of that full moon night...
Sirius took a crumpled, half-torn piece of parchment from his pocket and handed it to Regulus. The lines his mother had spoken of his father. "You can keep it." said Sirius. Regulus carefully folded the piece of parchment and put it in his pocket.
"He is not gonna die, Reg."
"You don't know that !" snapped Regulus.
"Yeah I don't. If it was me, I probably would die. But you know him. I sometimes feel like he is more Gryffindor than I am." Sirius tried to reassure Regulus. The words left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Regulus stared at him with cold black eyes.
"I wish it was you." There was no emotion in his voice. He said it like it he truly wished for it. He said it like he wished that it was really Sirius who was close to death. At least that's what he wanted Sirius feel like it.
Even when Regulus left him, Sirius didn't move from where he was. He pulled out his wand.
"Ex-pecto patronum."
There was no light.
When Sirius entered the classroom for History of Magic, he saw Peter sitting next to his own usual desk. He looked over to where Peter normally sat, next to James. James had spread out all of his things on the desk and emptied his bag onto the chair next to him, taking Peter's place. James was holding on to the desk in front of him, lifting both legs of the chair he was sitting on into the air, and leaning back on the chair that was propped up on the other two legs. Remus, who was sitting at the desk in front of him, turned around and tried to open to the correct page in James' open book. Next to him sat a Ravenclaw girl.
When Sirius sat down, Peter started, and looked up at him timidly. There was only one night when Sirius had seen anger in those eyes. That night… that night with the full moon…
They did not speak during the entire lesson.Professor Binns was telling the story of one of the goblin uprising that Sirius had stopped counting in the second grade. The whole class was in a trance. It was as if the whole class had turned into ghosts, Professor Binns was more alive than them, if that was even possible. Apart from Professor Binns' voice, which never changed its tone, the only sound heard in the classroom was the sound of Lily's quill scraping her parchment, who was constantly writing notes.
Sirius was tearing the blank parchment in front of him into pieces and folding them in certain shapes. So far, he had made five small ships, ten small stars, and one frog. He reached under the desk with the tip of his wand to cut the parchment into the desired size and make it smaller. Just as he was whispering the spell, a loud noise broke out in the classroom. Everyone was startled, trying to understand what was happening. There would have been no more reaction if a troll had entered the classroom. Sirius had moved his wand too much when he was startled by the noise. The whole parchment had been torn to pieces and thrown into the air.
When he looked up over other heads, he saw James lying on the floor and his overturned chair. James was rubbing his eyes and yawning. Remus had stood up and was trying to lift James off the ground by his elbows.
And next to him , Peter was trying to get the pieces of parchment out of his hair.
The whole class started laughing when they realized what was happening. Even James was the last one to realize what was happening. Sirius turned his head and looked at Professor Binns. Although Sirius couldn't hear him over the noise in the classroom, he saw from the professor's moving lips that he was still reading the book in front of him.
Sirius pushed all the pieces of paper on his desk to the floor and put his head on his desk. His hair fell in front of his eyes. He saw Lily laughing through the strands of hair that fell in front of his eyes. His vision blurred as his eyes slowly closed.
Sirius stood up from the soft snow. He grabbed Regulus' hands and lifted him up as well. When he turned around, he saw one of the children who were having a snowball fight calling them. Regulus had hidden behind him in fear. "Its just a game, Reg. I have seen them from the window." He turned and waved to the boy across from him.
That day Sirius and Regulus played snowballs for the first time, they made snowmen. That day they went outside for the first time, they played with other children for the first time. That day they did these things with muggles for the first time.
As the snowstorm increased, the children slowly started to return home. Sirius and Regulus had not taken off their coats when they left the house. Now their whole bodies were shaking, their fingers were numb. Regulus held Sirius' hand tightly and walked after him into the house. When they entered through the door they had forgotten to close, they heard no other sound except the sound of the antique clock coming from the dining room. Sirius left Regulus at the entrance and walked slowly inside. Walburga was watching the street where they had played snowballs a moment ago, in front of the window. The fireplace was not lit, and the side profile of her mother's face was illuminated by the blue light of the snowy night outside. Her face was expressionless, even calm.
The shadows of the objects in the room had grown bigger by the light from outside. It was as if the door they had left open had frozen the whole house while they were out.
Except for one thing.
Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock...
Walburga suddenly turned her head and stared at Sirius who was standing at the entrance to the living room. The light from behind her was shining on her cheekbones. Her left eye was twitching. "Regulus!" she called. "Go to your room."
They stared at each other until the sounds on the stairs stopped. Walburga turned back to the window, watching outside.
"Sit." she said. After waiting for Sirius to sit down, "Begin" she said still watching the outside through the dark green curtains.
"The rules of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black:
The heir never leaves the manor.
The heir never communicates with non pureblood people.
The heir never uses magic in unnecessary circumstances.
The heir never seems inappropriate in public.
The heir always knows the consequences of his actions."
Sirius recited the rules without pausing, as if reading from a textbook. Walburga nodded in agreement after each rule he said.
"Why?" she asked. "Even though you know all the rules, why?" She was looking outside with narrowed eyes as if the answer was somewhere out there under the falling snow.
"I don't understand." he whispered. He thought maybe if it was warm inside, the windows would fog up, then his mother wouldn’t be able to see outside and would look at him. Maybe then he would never be cold again.
"Maybe it's time for him to understand." A voice from the side of the door said. Sirius shuddered. Orion Black entered the room slowly. The wooden floor creaked with every step he took. "It's all your fault, Walburga. Better take care of him before I do."
Orion Black extended his wand towards the fireplace. The inside of the fireplace was ablaze with flames. He turned his back to the flames glowing in the fireplace and yelled. "Come here, Regulus." "You are cold thanks to your brother."
After minutes ,Regulus, who came back from his room, waited in front of the fireplace. He looked at Sirius with his fearful eyes reflected by the flames of the fireplace. Sirius smiled slightly at him, Regulus nodded.
Orion took the poker from the fireplace, the tip of which had turned red because it was hot, and looked at Sirius. Sirius was just watching the poker. He was startled by his mother's nails digging into his shoulder. Walburga quickly took him out of the room and into the kitchen. She looked at the kitchen cabinets and the ceiling for a while and swallowed a few times before looking at Sirius. When she turned to Sirius, her voice was deeper than usual.
"The heir always knows the consequences of his actions." she said. Sirius nodded. She continued. "I'll be in front of the door in the morning. Don't shout in there. There is a silencing charm. Just close your eyes and sleep. You will be safe here."
"I am cold mom and I am hungry."
Walburga hesitated for a moment. She opened the cellar door and pushed him in. "Consequences, Sirius! For your actions! Unless you don't stay away from those stupid, dirty, disgusting muggles, you will be punished."
The cellar door slammed in Sirius' face. The candlelight coming from under the door did not reach the bottom of the stairs.
Sirius was shivering. He did not go down the stairs, but leaned his back against the door. When Kreacher blew out the candles in the kitchen, he was left in pitch darkness. He saw a faint light shining under his clothes. He pulled his necklace from under his clothes. He watched the full moon shining in his hand.
He woke up to the sound of chairs scraping on the floor, he lifted his head up from the desk and collected his books. The stars and ships and frog he had made from pieces of parchment had fallen to the floor, he didn't bend down to collect them, he picked up his bag and left.
The next lesson was Transfiguration with the Hufflepuffs. The last lesson of the week. Sirius sat alone in this lesson. McGonagall had given perhaps the calmest lesson in the history of Hogwarts. There were no pranks, fights or accidents to interrupt her lesson. Contrary to expectations, she didn't seem very happy about this situation. When the last lesson was over, the students went to dinner, exhausted from the week.
Sirius set off to Hagrid's hut to do his detention. It was already dark when he arrived at Hagrid's hut. He had just knocked on the door and was listening to the sounds of commotion coming from inside. When Hagrid finally opened the door, he looked out into the darkness. The light from inside the hut cast Hagrid's shadow forward onto Sirius. When Sirius coughed, Hagrid bowed his head. Only then he noticed him.
"Oh! Didn't see you there! Stay there for a second. I'm coming."
Hagrid came out with his bow arrow in his hand. He turned to Sirius.
"Good night, eh. What ya say."
Sirius shrugged. "What are we gonna do?"
Hagrid took a small vial out of his leather vest pocket and waved it in front of him. Sirius saw a clear liquid sloshing around in the glass.
"Just wait and see." Hagrid put his bow arrow on his shoulder and walked towards the forest. Sirius said "Lumos" and ran after him and caught up.
They walked hours or that's what Sirius felt like.
Hagrid slowed down when they finally reached the depths of the forest, among the dense trees. He touched tree trunks and broken branches. His hand he touched with was covered in a shiny dark liquid.
"It's here, somewhere." he whispered.
They continued walking for a while. Then Sirius saw what they were looking for. A wounded unicorn lying on the ground. Hagrid waved his hand for him to lower his wand. "Nox" he said.
"Hush, easy now, easy" Hagrid said. He uncorked the vial in his hand.
"Phoenix tears" he said. "Dumbledore gave it to me. Big man, a great man." He handed the vial to Sirius. Sirius took it and looked at him expectantly. Hagrid was just looking around as enjoying the view. There was no problem at all, except that it was dark outside.
"What am I supposed to do with it?" he asked wearily.
"Oh right, it has healing magic. Just drop it on its wound. Easy job. Heh."
"Why don't you do that?"
"I thought you might like it. Healing the purist creature in the world." said Hagrid as if it were so strange that Sirius couldn't think of that.
"What wounded it?" Sirius wondered which animal they had chosen to have him eaten as detention.
"Something bad, something evil." Hagrid said in a deep voice while nodding. "Come on, go on." he added and pushed him behind.
Sirius squeezed the bottle in his palm, slowly approached the unicorn lying on the ground. He saw sharp teeth marks on the wound. Like a snake teeth. He thought about the possibility of being eaten by a snake here. At least 'if I complete my detention before I die, Minnie would be happier' , he thought.
"Don't worry. It's just wounded." Hagrid said from behind him.
"Of course, you don't say." Sirius muttered. Sirius poured the tears over the wound. The unicorn's eyes opened, it groaned, and shook his head. Sirius took a step back, watching the wound slowly close. The unicorn slowly stood up. He approached Sirius, bent his front knee, and bowed his neck. Sirius reached out his hand and touched his mane for a while. When he removed his hand, the unicorn turned around. Sirius watched behind it until it disappeared into the darkness of the forest.
When Sirius turned around, he was faced with the dark void where Hagrid had last stood. "Hagrid?" he called. There was no answer. "Hagrid?" he called again louder this time. There was nothing else moving in the darkness except the leaves swaying in the wind.
"HAGRIIIIID" he yelled. There was no answer. 'Perfect', he thought. He had lost Hagrid to the snake before he could sign the punishment paper. He would rather wait for the snake to find him than explain this to McGonagall. "Lumos" he said and tried to figure out where he was in the forest.
Even when they left the shack on nights when there was a full moon, they always walked the same path to ensure safety. They had never been to this side of the forest.
He thought it was best to wait where he was now, Hagrid would come back sooner or later, unless he got caught by the snake or Sirius got caught by the snake before he got there. He sat down and leaned against a tree trunk. He felt eyes watching him from the darkness. "Nox" he said. Then an idea came to his mind. Maybe if he shifted into Padfoot, he could find Hagrid. Maybe he could find his way back since all his senses would be more sensitive.
The last time he transformed into Padfoot was that night, but James was already dragging Snape out. Padfoot was hiding behind the trees, he couldn't let Snape learn another one of his secrets. Otherwise, they would all end up in Azkaban.
Would Hagrid suspect anything if he transformed? He gave up on the idea unless he had to. He was really alone now, the sounds of crickets, owls, and howls were rising from the darkness. Sirius wondered if there was a chance he would encounter a vampire here, he would probably prefer it to a snake. At least, it was more his style.
He held his wand tightly when he heard crackling in the branches of the tree he was leaning on. He waited, nothing happened. A white butterfly flew past slowly very close in front of him. For a second, Sirius wanted to go after it. It felt like it was impossible to get lost while chasing a butterfly. Not because it knows the way home, but because it would make you find your home no matter where it flies. He had stopped chasing butterflies a long time ago. White butterfly got lost in the darkness.
He heard the crackling in the branches again. When he lifted his head up and looked at the tree branches blocking the sky above him, he couldn’t see anything. 'Just a squirrel.' He thought.
And then againg, crackling...
'No way, I am dying out here before seeing a vampire. Well in that case how much of it I am alive would be debatable. Stop mocking yourself, idiot. Or you'll be a snack for the snake. Come on Sirius, you got this.' He jumped to his feet. He would try to call for help somehow.
Sirius pointed his wand forward into the darkness, "Expecto patronum" he said. There was no light again. He tried to think of other memories. The day they first became animagus, the day they met on the train, the day they won the Quidditch cup, even the day he was sorted into Gryffindor although he wasn't sure, the first prank they played together, their first trip to Hogsmeade. There was no light. Sirius felt exhausted, cold sweat was running down his forehead. Every memory he thought about made him feel colder instead of warming him up. He felt cold. He couldn't stand still all night, he thought he'd rather be a vampire than freeze to death.
What would James say? 'Hey mate! You can't be serious (But I am SIRIUS) you have got all night to wander around the forest and you bloody sat and froze here. That's pathetic.'
Sirius stood up and walked forward from where he last saw Hagrid. After walking for a while, he saw figures moving in the darkness. He tried to see around by hiding behind the bushes. Suddenly he felt something fall on his head. As he was pulled back in pain, the branch he stepped on cracked. Sirius hold his breath and first looked at the pine cone that hit his head and fell to the ground, then slowly raised his head and looked ahead. He caught the eye of a centaur. When he saw the anger on the centaur's face, he turned around and started running. He didn't look where he was going, pushing the vines with his hands, jumping over tree roots and running. He could hear voices coming from behind him. As Sirius turned his head to see the distance between himself and them, he tripped over a tree root. He tried to protect his head with his hands as he rolled down the slope. He could feel the stones and branches digging into his face and hands. Finally, he was able to stop when he reached level ground.
He slowly got up, he wasn't seriously damaged, that is, except for his clothes. He pushed his hair out of his face and fixed it as much as he could. 'Apparently centaurs didn't have one, but vampires must have standards', he thought. At least there was no sound from the centaurs. He thought it would be more logical to move forward rather than go back the way he came. After a while, he saw a cave entrance behind thick vines. 'Great, now I've found a troll. What else could I ask for?' he thought. The universe was working for him.
He moved towards the cave entrance, he didn't see any troll snot or footprints. He whispered "Lumos". The cave was large enough to stand up, almost as big as a dorm room. The inside of the cave was fascinating. He didn't need his wand. "Nox" he said, his voice echoed off the cave walls. The walls, ceilings were covered in green coral everywhere, illuminating every corner of the cave. Sirius checked to see if there was another entrance to the cave. There wasn't another entrance. He heard the sound of water flowing behind the back wall of the cave.
The green corals glowed even more with a white light coming from behind him. When Sirius squinted and turned around, he saw a stag in a white halo at the entrance of the cave. James's Patronus. The stag moved out as Sirius approached him. They walked together for a long time.
When Sirius finally reached the parts of the forest he knew, he relaxed. When they came out into the open, he saw Hagrid, James, Peter, and Remus standing in front of him. James ran to Sirius and hugged him tightly. When James let go of him, Sirius turned to look at Hagrid. He was glad Hagrid hadn't been caught by the snake, after all he had to sign the detention paper.
"I...I was just... There was a friend near by so I thought I would say a quick hi . But he kinda kept me." He showed his broken bow. "Well it's kinda hard being a friend with furry, many-legged...Oh that wasn't what I was gonna tell." He waited for a second.
"Oh,right. I remember now. So you weren't there when I got back. I turned to tell the headmaster about the unicorn, no not unicorn. Of course about you.."
"Hagrid, calm down." said Remus.
"The detention was supposed to be over and you weren't back and we couldn't see you on the -you know what. So one of the prefects told us your detention is in the forest so we thought we might check on you. Then we came across Hagrid here and you know the rest of the story." finished Peter.
"You okay, mate ? You look like kinda chased by centaurs or something." said James.
"You don't know legilimency, right?" Sirius asked in shock.
"What?" James raised his eyebrows.
"Never mind, thank you for finding me." Sirius mumbled.
"Will you tell the headmaster about this night?" asked Hagrid.
"Nah, it is fine Hagrid, if you could just sign this." Sirius took the detention paper that McGonagall gave him from his pocket and handed it to Hagrid.
"Oh yeah right, I'll just take it and give it to McGonagall myself." said Hagrid in relief.
"I can do that, can't you just sig-" Sirius was already reaching for the paper that was crumpled in Hagrid's hands.
"Come on Sirius, let's go." James was tugging on his arm.
Sirius left the paper in Hagrid's hands.
Now they walked up the hill towards the castle together.
"You know it could be easier, if you have just sent your patronus to the castle before. They could have found you sooner." said James.
"I bet padfoot could find the way." added Peter.
"Yeah, maybe." said Sirius and sighed.
Four black figures walked silently side by side in the darkness. A white butterfly was flying behind them.