The Necklace
September 2,1976
Murmurs, bed sheet sounds, a door opening and closing...
The light filtering through the slight gap in his curtains made his eyelashes flutter. As he sat up from where he was lying, he felt some of the wounds on his back and chest reopen. When he reached up to his back and touched the bandages he had made on the train yesterday, he felt his hand wet with a warm liquid.
The voices of Peter and Remus were coming from the room. While he waited for them to get ready and leave, he played with the silver chain necklace hanging around his neck, twirling it in his fingers. This necklace was the first birthday gift he remembered. His uncle Alphard had given it to him with a letter he had written next to it.
My little nephew Sirius
I sincerely apologize for not being able to come and be with you on this special day. You can be sure that I will make up for it when I return as soon as possible.
You and Regulus were little babies when I last saw you. I don't think you will remember me. So I'm afraid we will have to meet again when I return. They say I look more handsome with my grey hair now. I have no doubt that I will make a good impression on you.
It wasn't hard for me to guess that the piles of presents were full of new robes and books. As someone who survived the boring dinner parties of the Black family, I hope I gave you enough hope. Take care of your brother and yourself until we meet again.
Sincerely,
Alphard Pollux Black.
P.S. I want you to keep the note inside the gift box. I hope it will be with you when the time comes.
Sirius had memorized the note the day he first read it.
"We have fitted the whole sky into our family, perhaps we have dominated the whole sky. Because we knew very well that only stars lived in the darkness. We all tried to drown our darkness with stars. The brightest star, Sirius. Today I give you a light that none of us have, the Moon. We have never accepted anything that does not have its own light, and perhaps we have enslaved our darkness to ourselves. Remember Sirius! You will always carry your darkness along with your own light. When that darkness fills you, do not raise your head and look for yourself or your brother or your father, or anyone from us in the sky. Just watch the Moon and hide your whole heart in this Moon. I hope these words that you don't understand now will be there for you when you need them. Happy birthday, our brightest star. "
He took his wand from next to his bed. He held it at the full moon in the middle of the necklace he was holding between his fingers.
"Luceat Lux Vestra" he whispered while pointing his wand to the necklace.
The two covers of the full moon opened. Sirius watched the photo inside the cover.The photo of third-grade marauders.They had their arms thrown over each other's shoulders as if they would never be separated.James with his glasses crooked on his nose and his hair sticking out in every direction, himself right next to him with his cheeks flushed from laughter and his blue eyes watering, Remus next to him with his head turned to him, the freckles on his visible left cheek between the shinig scars, Peter next to him with his eyes closed as he sneezed. All the faces continued to smile at him from the photo.
It had taken him three years to put this photo here. The old photo was still in front of his eyes even though he put it away for a long time ago. His father was sitting on an armchair. His mother behind him, one hand on Orion's shoulder. Himself right next to his mother. His brother in front of his father. Sirius was five years old when that photo was taken, and when he was six years old and this necklace was given to him as a gift, he had no other photo to put in it.
Full Moon used to be able to be opened manually, but Sirius had managed to lock it when he started school.
Even though he read his uncle's letter many times when he was little, he couldn't understand it.
The note he had kept was still with him, with its frayed edges and smeared ink. He had already memorized it by heart since the first day. But now he could also see the unwritten lines by heart.
" We all tried to drown our darkness with stars."
'The brightest star to drown the greatest darkness.'
"Just watch the moon."
'Even if the moon is there, the darkness will always be with you.'
Whenever Sirius was bored, he would play with the necklace. Each time, Remus would watch him with a strange expression on his face. Sirius thought he was just curious. One day, he opened the necklace and showed him the picture of his family. Remus didn't say anything, just sat a little further away from him.
Sometimes the necklace would start to glow on its own. When he saw this as a child, he had felt magic for the first time in his life. He had been born into a pureblood family, yes. There was magic everywhere in his life, but this was the first time he had felt magic. He hadn't understood why the necklace sometimes glowed. But he had gotten used to this unexpected magic by time.
On their first trip to Hogsmeade in third year, they had taken the picture that was now inside the necklace. That day, without thinking twice, he had placed this photo on his necklace. That night, he had gone to Remus' bed with excitement and shown it to him with a big smile on his face. Remus had looked at the necklace with big eyes.
Sirius couldn't quite understand it in the darkness, but he thought he saw Remus smiling slightly. At the end of third year, when they realized Remus was a werewolf, Sirius had taken off the necklace. He hadn't worn it since. He hadn't needed it since there was a moon shining in front of him all the time.
The moon was a disaster to Remus. Sirius had promised himself to change that. Because Sirius couldn't see Remus as a disaster. It was impossible. He had tried everything to fulfill his promise to himself. He took notes for all the classes Remus had missed. He did his homework when he fell asleep. He helped him dress his wounds. When they had come up with the idea of becoming animagus, he hadn't left the restricted area of the library at nights. When they had finally become animagus in fifth year, when they had left the shack for the first time, when Remus had woken up and they were there, he had thought he had kept his promise. For a brief, a brief moment, he had believed it. Now he didn't know if it was his friends or himself he had lost forever.
When the room had gone silent, he pulled the curtains aside. He put his feet on the cold floor. He took the clean bandages from his trunk, which he hadn't emptied yet, and walked to the bathroom.
When he left his dorm room, he went to Great Hall. Some of the students were moving towards their classrooms. He heard the familiar voices from Gryffindor table. Marlene was preparing interesting food combinations as always. Peter was continuing his gourmet work as he had done for years.
In front of them, James was trying on the latest model Quidditch gloves from the opened package in front of him. Remus was silently watching the staff table. Lily and Mary were talking with excited hand gestures. Sirius sat at the empty space at the table closest to the door. He started eating without looking at what was in front of him. He had just taken a few mouthfuls when he heard a cough behind him. When he turned around, McGonagall was handing him a piece of parchment. Time-table.
"Mr. Black, although you have to wait until the beginning of the semester for these things, I am sure that you will follow this program prepared with the courses you have previously chosen as you requested due to your special situation. I trust that you will be at least as successful this year as you were last year, based on your OWL results. I would be happy if you could give my best wishes to your father. You can always find me in my office if there is anything you want to talk about."
She smiled slightly and walked away. Sirius looked at the schedule in his hand and the courses his mother had chosen. Unlike last year, there were no Divination, Care of Magical Creatures and Muggle Studies. He knew that taking the NEWT exams from these courses was a waste of time. But now he felt as if the time he was losing was not from the future, but from the past. He felt that he had lost the times when they joked around the most, skipped class and made unlimited bets.He remembered the endless chats that they had in those classes.
-Padfoot, I could swear you turned into a pig for a second before turning into a dog.
-Prongs, I don't know if you can seperate yourself from a monkey when you don't have your glasses on.
-Hey mate, don't worry. At least I didn't mistake you for a rat. Ouch, Peter! Stop poking me with your foot.
Everyone in the Great Hall was up now and heading to their classes. He looked at his schedule again. First class was Potions, with the Slytherins. Perfect.
He took the back cauldron, which had been his place since the second half of last year. Since he didn't have a partner, Remus had started working with Mary, and Slughorn had told him to join a group and work three people together. Sirius hadn't moved from his seat, working alone. Slughorn hadn't said anything either. Everyone had taken their places when he entered the classroom. Slughorn was getting ingredients from the shelves with his back to the door. Sirius had settled into his cauldron by the door.
He had finished his potion faster because he was working alone. If they had asked what potion he was making, he wouldn't have a clue. He couldn't even remember the title of the potion. Slughorn, who had been making the rounds of the cauldrons, looked pleased when he stopped in front of his. He inhaled the scent of the potion. When he opened his eyes, his pleasure had been replaced by pity.
When Slughorn didn't move on to the other cauldrons, the whole class turned to them.
"Sirius, my boy, you know your father and I are old friends. I hope he recovers soon. I sent some potions, if you need more, it is enough just Walburga writing to me. Is Orion better now, how is he? "
"Yes, sir. Thank you for your concern. Your service will not go unrewarded. I will make sure of that when I write to my mother." Sirius said with no emotion.
"My boy, I didn't mea-
Sirius had already left the dungeon without listening to the rest. He didn't even realize where he was walking. When he turned the corner in front of him, he found himself on the ground. Barty Crouch Jr was on the ground right in front of him. He was holding his stomach with a look of pain on his face, while cursing under his breath. Sirius got up quickly from the ground. He gathered his things. He walked past Barty and took a step.
"Fuck off, Black."
Sirius stopped in his tracks, turned to him, and held out his hand.
"Fuck off, Crouch."
The pained expression on Barty's face was replaced by surprise for only a second or two. Barty ignored the outstretched hand and stood up, holding on to the wall. Sirius picked up his bag from the floor and threw it at him. Barty caught it in midair. He looked as if he was about to pull out his wand at any moment, his eyes narrowed and staring at Sirius intently. Sirius continued on his way without saying anything.
The rest of the day passed with the same boredom. During lunch break, he sat next to Black Lake and started reading a book he had borrowed from the library without even looking at its title. Muggle Vehicles with Magical Touch. He read the first five pages of the book, which he would have read with excitement a year ago, with difficulty.
Then he put the book under his head as a pillow and lay down on the grass. The clouds had blocked the sun and were drifting with the light breeze. Sirius breathed in the smell of damp earth. He started to tear the grass with his hands. When he looked at his hands, they were green , he smiled. A light breeze passed through the curls of his hair and swirled around the back of his head. He loosened his yellow and read striped tie and widened the collar of his white shirt. He took off his unlaced boots by pushing his feet. From where he lay, he just watched the clouds. It was easier to breathe. Yet, he was just watching the clouds. He felt his whole body relax. It felt like it was one of those moments.
You know those magical moments? It makes you feel like everything is going to be great. It makes you dream. It makes you forget yourself. It doesn't make you fool yourself, it just makes you dream. But dreams also have illusions. The more you want to be caught up , the more it will get you. Sirius was always the master of these illusions. But this time, he had gone too far, he had become the illusion itself. Now he wasn't just caught up, he was being fooled, he was fooling. This included himself. Even it lasts for seconds.
Isn't life an illusion of dreams? Perhaps it could be said otherwise, but Sirius always preferred the first one. Maybe because dreams had never been a part of his life. Maybe he could fit his life into dreams if he really tried. He never wanted to live in dreams, he just wanted to be able to live his life. Nothing more. Sirius had only found a way to survive. If you can't fit into dreams, into lives, create your own crystal world and let your illusion hide you.
He looked at his green palms and the clouds again.
He felt like that the universe was made just to be seen by his eyes until he closes them. He thought he can hold on a little longer even if his tears can't hold back.
The last lesson of the day was Defence Against the Dark Arts. Professor Wilkins, who had been teaching his classes for the last three years, was continuing to teach this year as well. Professor Wilkins now walked towards the middle of the class and began his threatening speech that did not impress anyone, as he did at the beginning of every term.
"Defence Against the Dark Arts ,you may have wanted to specialize in this course according to your OWL results from last year. But if you had any expectations for this term from the courses you took last year, you can give up now. I want full concentration and dedication. Remember that this course is not a part of a future profession but a way to survive in these dark times we are in." His eyes narrowed and his voice lowered. He waited a few seconds and then his expression faded and turned into a smile. "Now we can start our lesson."
When the lesson ended, Wilkins' voice rose again as everyone gathered their things. "Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, can you please wait a moment?"
When the class finally emptied, James and Remus approached the right of Wilkins' desk, and Sirius approached the left. Wilkins looked up from the parchment in front of him and looked at them. His eyes were narrowed again. Sirius hated that look.
"My favorite students, I have a favor to ask of you.Next week I will be teaching the Patronus charm to the fifth years. Although the lesson will be mostly theoretical, I thought you, Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, could help me with your Patronus creation skills that you showed last year. I think we could teach an effective lesson together. As for you, Mr. Lupin, I thought you would like to attend this lesson, which you missed last year due to personal reasons." Wilkins's eyebrows rose when he was suddenly distracted. "Yes, Mr. Potter?" asked Wilkins.
"Professor, we thank you for trusting us, but I think one person will be enough. There is no need for Black to come."
Professor Wilkins rubbed his chin as if thinking for a while. "Potter, as I recall, in my class at the beginning of the term last year, the Slytherin students' hair mysteriously turned red, and the people who did it could not be found, and therefore they did not receive any detention. Personally, I think yellow goes better with green. I expect you and Mr. Black in my class next week, and of course you too, Mr. Lupin. Now, if you have no further questions, shoo shoo shoo."
After the door closed behind them, they paused and looked at each other. James broke the silence.
“I told you he had understood.” huffed James.
"And I had said we should paint it yellow." Sirius snapped.
Remus was watching them silently. Sirius turned away so as not to meet his eyes and started to walk away.
He felt more nervous than ever as he walked through the corridors. The possibility of getting caught by a professor, or worse, Filch or Mrs. Norris, was very high. It was easier to make excuses for the Prefects. He stopped suddenly. He didn't know which days Remus was on patrol. He needed the map. But he wasn't sure James would give him the map. After all, he wasn't one of them anymore. It was then that he realized that the map was a danger for the future. If James, Remus or Peter saw who he was meeting with, everything could come out. He made up his mind to change the spell on the map as soon as possible. A small spell, nothing serious. Just an updated map that didn't show him in the places he shouldn't be, with the people he shouldn't be. It shouldn't be too difficult. In fact, it was a reduced version of the map's original version for a single person. While Sirius was thinking about the spell he needed for the map, he had come all the way to the Astronomy Tower. He started climbing the stairs in front of him.
When he returned to the Common Room from the Astronomy Tower at night, everyone had already gone to bed. He stopped in front of the clock in the corner. Involuntarily, his right hand reached for his left forearm. Sirius suddenly turned his head and headed towards the spiral staircases.
When he entered the room he saw that all the curtains were drawn. For a moment he thought he saw a white light through Remus' curtains. When he shook his head the light was gone. He changed in the bathroom and went back to bed. Now he stared at the ceiling in the dark, his hands reaching for his neck. With a habitual movement his fingers searched for the chain of his necklace.
His fingers traced the bare skin of his empty neck.