The day is done,The ship is gone
September 3,1976
The purple sky magnified the shadows of the objects in the room. Some of the stars that still shone hung in the air like silver dots. The room was filled with the breathing sounds of sleep, slowly rising and falling. Silence hung peacefully in the air, but Sirius could not breathe this peace. He had woken up before everyone else this time.
He had been at Hogwarts for two days. But he was already feeling exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that would not go away even if he slept, ate, or never left his bed. Every time he returned from Grimmauld, it would take him a while to get used to his life here. This time, there was no need. There was no difference between his two lives now. Everything should be easier now, right? He reached for his left forearm. He closed his eyes.
If he didn't think, it felt easier to breathe. If he didn't think, he felt as if nothing had happened, as if he had never lived. But now he didn't know which one he shouldn't think about, the good times of the past or the bad, the present or the future? He was tumbling like he had slipped on the first step of a staircases. If he would just hold on to the banister and stop himself from falling, then he would know how much it hurt.
But he was already hurt.
He looked at Remus's bed with the curtains drawn.
'Just hold me tight, maybe then I won't feel hurt.'
He stepped out from under his sheets and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind slowly. He lit the bathroom with his wand. He looked at his pale reflection in the mirror in the flickering light of his wand. The dark circles around his eyes made his blue eyes stand out even more, creating a frame. He tucked the strands of his wavy black hair behind his ears and leaned over the sink to wash his face. When he raised his head again, the remaining drops of cold water he had splashed on his face fell from his eyelashes to his cheeks and from his chin to the hands he held onto the sides of the sink. He bit his purple, trembling lips tightly with his teeth. He pulled his hands away from the sink and slowly unwrapped the cloth on his left arm. The dark mark looked much darker now, and it seemed to be moving under the flickering light. The snake that was crawling out of the skull's mouth...He ran the trembling fingers of his right hand over it. He closed his eyes.
"Speak now, my stupid cousin. Are you convinced, or shall we continue playing?" Bellatrix giggled, jumping around them like a little child.
Sirius felt the air rush into his lungs, as if they were being held in place by pincers. For a moment he couldn't remember where he was or how he had gotten there.
His fingers were shaking, twitching, bending in on themselves. Right in front of him on the floor lay Regulus, his face purple. The lines of tears that had run down his cheeks were still visible. His eyes were closed, his chest was still, not rising or falling.
Sirius felt as if the pincers had returned now, he could not breathe. He grabbed Bellatrix by the arm and turned her around.
"What the fuck did you do?" he yelled. Bellatrix stopped giggling suddenly, and put her hands to her mouth as if in surprise. She blinked repeatedly, shaking her head. As if she could not believe what she was hearing. Sirius grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall. He was gripping her shoulders so tightly that his knuckles were white. Bellatrix was now squinting at him, her white teeth flashing savagely behind her smile. "Stop it! Talk! You psycho bitch!" Bellatrix shrugged, giggling quietly. Sirius raised one hand from her shoulder. He heard the sound of gasping for air behind him as he brought his fist up to her face.
When he turned his head to look, Regulus was holding his throat, his eyes wide, gasping for air. Sirius put his fist down away from Bellatrix' face , pushing Bellatrix aside. He knelt down next to Regulus. He grabbed Regulus by the shoulders and pressed his back against his own chest.
Regulus began to breathe easier, and he lowered his hands from his throat and held Sirius's tightly. Sirius saw two bruised handprints on Regulus's pale neck. And a round bruise. Sirius looked at the ring on his index finger, then back at the bruise. He turned around. Bellatrix was sitting on a chair, filing her nails with her wand.
"Imperius" Sirius whispered to himself. Bellatrix shook as if she had just noticed his presence for the first time. Then she put her wand in her mouth like a pipe , moved her hands away from her, and examined her nails. Nodding in satisfaction. Then she turned to Sirius and applauded softly. "Bravo, my cousin, bravo." The wand between her lips bobbed up and down as she spoke, red sparkles shooting from the tip of it. She took the wand from her mouth, held it between her hands, and began twirling it.
"We can continue where we left off now. We have rehearsed one of the possible outcomes you will face if you do not receive the mark tomorrow. Of course, if such a situation occurs, the entertainment will be our lord's, not mine. But do not worry. Our generous lord will give me a chance." Bellatrix chuckled. Then she stood up abruptly, her black curly hair flying and falling. The chair she was sitting on toppled onto the wooden floor.
She moved slowly towards Sirius, the wooden floor creaking under her weight as she leaned towards him. Bellatrix pushed his chin up with her index finger. They were now face to face. Sirius felt Bellatrix's breath on his face, a wave of fear passing through his spine. Bellatrix smiled, kissed the tip of his nose, grinned, her eyes manic. She leaned towards his ear. "I hope you'll entertain me tomorrow." she whispered.
Bellatrix straightened, turned around, and headed for the door. She threw Sirius' wand over her shoulder to the floor, which rolled a little on the ground and then stopped. Bellatrix now approached the Family Tapestry with her back turned. She touched her own name, Narcissa's name. Then she dug her nails into the dark drawing next to them, drawing down. There was a pop, she apparated.
Sirius felt the pincers leave his lungs, he felt Regulus shivering in his chest. Sirius held him tighter.
When Sirius opened his eyes, he had slid down from the sink and collapsed to the floor. He slowly sat up and wrapped his left arm in the cloth again. More light was now shining into the bathroom from outside. He turned off the light on his wand. He looked at his reflection in the mirror once more. He raised his wand.
"Diffindo" he whispered.
Pieces of his hair were flying through the light beams reflecting off the bathroom marbles and drifting to the floor.
The hair reached down past his shoulders that now barely covered his ears. The front of his hair was shorter. It covered his forehead and fell down to his eyes. When he opened and closed his eyes, his hair brushed against his lashes. Without the long hair surrounding his face, his cheekbones and pointed jaw stood out more, and his face looked harder. He ran his fingers through his wavy black hair as if to comb it.
A tear fell from his reflection in the mirror and disappeared between his smiling lips. He was fine, just fine.
As he left the room, the curtains of the beds were still drawn, no one was awake. Sirius walked slowly down the deserted corridors. He went back to the places he had been the day before, but couldn't find his necklace anywhere.
He tried "Accio", but when countless necklaces, except his own, flew towards him, he gave up. He was sure that his necklace was where he had thought it would be all along.
When he reached the bridge that connected the castle sections, he sat on the railing and let his feet dangle in the air. He took a cigarette out of his pocket and twirled it around his fingers, watching the brown hills, the orange trees, the leaves blowing in the wind in front of him. He lit the cigarette and brought it to his trembling lips. He slowly blew out the smoke that had filled him. The smoke brought tears to his eyes, like the first time he and Remus had smoked.
He was now waiting in front of the Slytherin common room door. Some of the students who had left were looking at him in surprise, some in anger. Sirius still hadn't met the face he was expecting. When he saw Regulus, he knew that this wouldn't happen today.
Regulus looked scared. It was as if Sirius had come to give him terrible news and Regulus had known it long before. He was looking at Sirius with the eyes of someone who thought that the fear inside him was true and had come true. But he was wrong. Sirius hadn't come for him. "Sirius..." Regulus said with a trembling jaw. Sirius rose from where he was sitting, knowing that he would have to come back later. Sitting in front of the door wasn't a very smart idea. Regulus remained where he was, shaking like a leaf.
Sirius followed the other students to breakfast. The Great Hall was filled with endless chatter, the clatter of plates and forks, and the mingled hum of all these. Sirius sat down in an empty seat. He felt some eyes linger on him more than usual. It was as if they thought that a new student had taken his place when he cut his hair. Sirius took a bite of the toast in front of him as if he didn't notice anything, and reached for the glass in front of him without looking.Pumpkin juice. He grimaced, putting the glass down without drinking. At that moment, feathered wings filled the entire ceiling. They were all flying in the air in different directions, aiming for their targets. Sirius saw the hawk with the family crest flying towards him.
He carefully untangled the letter attached to the hawk. The letters were etched into the parchment in small, italic script with sharp edges. Sirius had no doubt who had written the letter.
Start your work as soon as possible, keep me informed of every step. You know this is more important than your studies, don't forget your priorities.
Don't forget that your father will soon be well and take control of things, take your steps accordingly. Don't forget what to say if there is a question about your father's condition. Every extra eye on you is a possible danger. The heir always knows the consequences of his actions, Sirius.
Toujours pour.
W. B.
He read the letter again, touched the parts where the ink had smeared on the edges. He looked at the drops of wine that looked like blood in the corner. When he heard footsteps coming from behind him, he crumpled the letter in his hand and put it in his pocket. When he looked up to turn around, he saw James sitting at the other end of the table watching him for a moment, but his attention was distracted when he saw Regulus behind him. A Slytherin approaching the Gryffindor table.That wasn't good.
"Je veux le lire." Regulus said, his hands clenched into fists.
"It's not yours," Sirius said, hoping Regulus would leave as usual.
"Je veux savoir s'il va bien," Regulus said, louder this time.
Sirius turned around and took another bite of his toast, Regulus still standing over him.
"She doesn't write to me." Regulus was really trying to get an answer.
The voice inside him said, 'let him suffer, let him learn what it means to be helpless, to have all your hopes taken away from you at the last moment, to wait helplessly with your arms chained.' Sirius took another bite of his toast, swallowing it almost without chewing.
"Is he dead?" Regulus asked. The look he had from their previous encounter had returned.
"Does it matter?" Sirius asked sarcastically. He noticed Regulus was shaking with anger.
"He is not! He is not dead!" Regulus said.
Sirius wasn't sure if this was a question or not. He hadn’t even noticed when the table had gone silent. This part of the room had fallen into apparent silence as the other tables continued their own chaos. Only five minutes ago he had received a letter telling him not to talk about this, and now an entire audience was staring at him. He was determined not to speak, but Regulus had lost the emotionless mask he had perfected over the years. Blacks never lose control. Now Regulus had found all the buttons he needed to press.
"Because of you. If you had agreed to it in the first place..."
Sirius didn't wait for the other words to come out of his mouth and stood up and punched Regulus in the jaw. Regulus fell to the ground without making a single sound. The entire room was silent now. He felt the endless eyes on him burning his skin. As he left the room, McGonagall was shouting about the points he had lost and something about his punishment. Sirius was relieved that there was no transfiguration lesson today.
When he entered the classroom for Charms, the conversations in the classroom had become whispers. Whispers that he could hear. Even when Professor Flitwick started the lesson, the whispers were still there. Before, Sirius would have given each and every one of them a death glare, and cursed them if necessary. But now he was looking at everything as if through frosted glass. The sounds, the sights meant nothing to him.
By the time lunchtime came, he was already exhausted. He went to his dorm room and sat on his bed. He took off his shoes and threw them on his trunk. The moment his head hit the pillow, his eyelids closed of their own accord.
When he opened his eyes he couldn't make out anything in the dark room. There was a thin quilt on him.He waited for his eyes to adjust and then looked at the other beds, they were empty. He had fallen asleep, wondering how many lessons he had missed. He didn't regret missing dinner. He didn't want to see Regulus for a while. "Because of you."
He got out of bed, tripping over his open trunk. Stumbling to his feet, he thought it was about time to empty the trunk. He found his shoes under his bed, bent down and picked them up. He straightened himself up and went down the stairs. He was about to turn the last corner when he heard voices coming from the Common Room.
"Did you know that his father was ill?" Peter asked.
"No, my father just mentioned that he hadn't been seen much at the Ministry lately." James said.
"James, even if he was, Orion Black is a big shot. They would have written in Daily Prophet by now that he was ill. Maybe they're playing a trick on the Ministry. You know the laws he offered." Mary said with distaste.
"What about Regulus? He said 'it was because of Sirius'. What could Sirius have to do with it?" Marlene said.
"I think the important part is the rest. He said Sirius should have agreed earlier. It's strange," Lily said suspiciously.
Speak, Sirius thought, when there was no other sound in the room. But Remus didn't speak.
Sirius couldn't decide whether to go back to bed or go straight out now.
As he stepped back, he tripped over the untied laces of his black boots. When he tripped, he hit his elbows on the wall behind him. He pinned himself to the wall with his hands. After the sound, he had no choice but to get out. When he straightened up and entered the common room, he saw everyone sitting in a circle around the fireplace. Now they were all looking at him. When he turned his head and headed for the door,
"Wait!" James stood up, one hand in his hair, the other reaching out towards him, as if he could stop him from there.
As if this was their secret signal, the girls stood up, said goodnight to the boys, and headed for the stairs. Lily looked at him with an expression he couldn't make sense of, and she followed the others out of the room.
Now James was standing, and the others were still sitting where they were. Sirius approached, and James lowered his hand. He locked eyes with James. James's worried gaze was replaced by an angry one. Sirius couldn't understand what had happened, this time he hadn't done anything, but James was angry, so he must have done something. James was shaking, but James didn't shake when he was angry. James was scared. Sirius was confused.
"I suppose you had a busy summer." James pulled a bundle of letters from his sweatshirt pocket." As you haven't read the letters my mother wrote.I was worried you didn't reply, but you didn't even read it. You didn't read it, you hid it, and you brought it all the way here. Don't worry I'll save you the trouble."
Sirius saw the letters in James's hand for the first time. He didn't understand where they came from, or how James had found them. He tried not to show any surprise on his face. He could see Mrs. Potter's handwriting on the front. The letters were tied together with a green ribbon. James was leaning towards the fireplace now. His angry voice turned into a mocking tone as he noticed Sirius's unconcealed surprise. But he was still trembling. "Perhaps ours were boring compared to the howlers your mother sent. But she sent something else today, didn't she? Tell me, what could have she sent you that made you punch your brother in front of everyone, who you loved enough to stay in that damn house? Tell me, what was in that letter?"
He knew James was trying to make him angry. He wanted him to lose control, but the questions he asked didn't matter. Sirius sensed that James was searching for questions that he can't make himself ask. As Sirius remained calm, James' patience seemed to wear thin, so he untied the ribbon and threw one of the letters into the fire. Sirius watched the letters burn. Then another letter burned. The envelopes were getting smaller and smaller in the fire. Another letter...
Sirius lunged at James to get the letters. James pushed him back in the chest. Sirius fell backwards. Unable to get up because of the pain in his back, he slowly turned to the side. Unable to hide the pain on his face in his short hair. Peter came to him and touched his shoulder. "Don't fucking touch me!" he shouted. Peter flinched and moved away. James was still standing where he was.
"Why do you have bloody bandages in your trunk?" James asked. This time it wasn't just his body that was shaking, his voice was shaking too.
'Fuck. The bandages he had changed on the train were left in his trunk. But then...' Sirius was shocked for a second.
"Did you go through my trunk?" Sirius asked. His eyes were still fixed on the floor.
"It was lying around." James said hesitantly.
This time Sirius could not control his anger. He started to laugh, a laugh very close to his mother's laugh, a laugh that was ready to destroy everything. He stood up, supporting himself on the ground. He continued to laugh, his eyes were filled with tears, but there was nothing but anger in those eyes. He took the letters from James, who was still standing. He threw them all into the fire. Then he took the letter his mother wrote from his pocket, tore it in two. He threw one piece into the fire, put the other back in his pocket. He calmed down as he watched the burning papers and the ribbon melting in the fire. But this silence was dangerous. Without taking his eyes off the flames, he said,
"Stay the hell out of my life. If you touch my stuff again, I'll be sure all the dormitory is on fire. Do you understand? Oh, no! I have got a better idea. Maybe I'll just let my fucking crazy cousins know, they'll be more than happy to make a visit to your home. I assure you I'll be your last concern."
When he took his eyes off the flames, he saw James watching him without reaction. The silence in the room was getting heavier.
Except for one sound...
Tick... tock... tick... tock... tick...
His gaze, fixed on James , shifted to the clock in the corner of the room behind his shoulder. The sound was filling him, each ticking sound beginning to echo inside him. Black dots formed around his eyes. He felt his breath burn his throat. It was as if he were being isolated from the room.
The overturned chair, the shattered glass, the red wine spreading on the coverlet, his father's purple face...
Screams, blood, cold marble...
Tick... tock... tick... tock..
"Are you hurt?" asked a voice. All the images cut like a knife. But it still coursed through his veins. Sirius took his eyes off the clock and looked around as if trying to figure out where the voice was coming from. Remus had stood up and was watching him. Sirius felt the frosted glass melt but didn't break. He wanted to speak. The words were searching for the smallest gap to flow through his shattered soul. His lips opened and closed. If the words left him now, if light seeped into him through the gaps, if it revealed all his darkness, he would be left alone.
Remus took a step closer to him and asked again, almost in a whisper. "Are you hurt?" The question hurt him more, as if he were stepping on his wounds. Sirius had only one answer to this question. He was already hurt. Now, before he could get lost in Remus's hazel eyes any longer, he lowered his head and walked away.
When he got to the door, he started running. His hands reached for his necklace that was missing. His nails were scratching his bare skin.
The hazel eyes seemed to continue to seep into the voids in his soul. He was walking quickly through the corridors illuminated by the moonlight. When he realized that he couldn’t breathe, he stopped and leaned his back against the wall, his trembling body slowly slid down. He wrapped his arms around his knees, leaning his head against the wall, he could see the velvet sky through the tall narrow window across from him. Countless stars were now reflecting in his blue eyes. The coldness of the wall he was leaning on was slowly spreading to his body. He rubbed his eyes with his hands, wiped away the unshed tears that the reflected stars were floating on. He closed his burning eyes, found that memory buried deep, deep down.
A little boy, his face lost in his black hair, curled up in the corner of a bed with a large carved wooden headboard and emerald green sheets. The humming melody was caressing his ears, warming him up.
"All the bright stars pouring down
From the velvet sky
To your navy blue eyes now
Close your eyes, my little one
The day is done, the ship is gone
Let stars rest on your eyes
While the ship is sailing to the dawn
Mighty, mighty star
Pull the oars now into the dark night
Sleep now, my little one
Hush now, my little star
Hush now, my little sailor
Hush now, my little sky
Hush now, my little one
Find peace beneath the clouds
Mama is holding you tight through the night "