The Train
September 1,1976
10.30 p.m.
He pushed his way through the usual crowds of King's Cross. At the station, he saw Mrs. Potter smiling at him. When she noticed him, that smile slowly faded. She was standing alone there. James must have been on the train by now, and after last year he wasn't sure he wanted to meet him. He missed him terribly, but he knew he had no right to. As James had said, "There is no turning back from here."
When he found an empty compartment at the end of the corridor, a hand gently grasped his arm from behind. When he turned around, Regulus pressed a package into his palm without looking into his eyes. His lips opened and closed a few times, but no other words came. Then when he looked into his eyes, he had put on his unbreakable, emotionless mask again. "Mother asked me to give it to you."
He walked away without waiting for an answer, without looking back. Sirius watched his brother until he was lost among the other students. He settled into the compartment, closed all the curtains with a flick of his wand, and locked the door. All the voices were muffled.
With trembling hands, he opened the package that Regulus has just given and Sirius was not surprised at all by the Dittany and pain potion he found inside the package.
When he woke up in the morning, his mom started to cry and then laugh when she couldn't perform healing spells with her wand that she could barely hold in her shaking hands. A bitter, ear-bleeding laugh, a laugh that got louder and thinner, a laugh that drowned in her own breath as she laughed... Unable to breathe, she dug her nails into her neck as if she was trying to open her throat with her hands, but she kept laughing. When her eyes met Sirius's, she stood up and started screaming and throwing everything she could find in the room against the wall opposite his bed. As the broken and shattered objects rained down on the wooden floor, Sirius didn't remember if the screams were still going on. Every sound had become increasingly inaudible in the background, his entire body had frozen. When Walburga finally calmed down after minutes or hours , she returned to her usual routine, started drinking with a glass in one hand and a bottle in the other. When it was time to go to the station, she was already drunk. And like every time she got drunk, she had settled into her chair to sit in front of the family tapestry until evening. Even in this state, her perfect posture had not changed.
Sirius took Dittany from the package and began to apply it to the cuts on his chest. He didn't think he could reach his back, but he hoped that the pain in his chest would go away. When he was done, he made sure to wrap his left arm tightly with a black cloth. He put on his robes already. He tucked the old bloody bandages into his trunk. He opened the curtains slightly from where he sat, leaning his head against the window to watch the families on the platform, the sound of the train's whistle woke him from his trance. When he blinked again, he saw, or thought he saw, a black-haired woman walking straight away at the back of the platform, wearing no robes and wearing an emerald green dress. When he blinked again, there was nothing but a colorful crowd of people. And his chest was still hurting.
During the journey, apart from the students trying to force the locked door several times and the trolley witch saying that she had left a snack outside the door after getting no answer, nothing happened. Not even a prefect came by. Perhaps Moon- Remus knew he was inside. Still, it was best for him that no one came in. Because he was not sure that any meaningful sound would come out of his throat.
He didn't know how long he had been watching out the window. When he woke up to voices coming from the corridor, they had already arrived, the train had stopped. When the voices finally stopped, he unlocked the door, took a deep breath and got off the train.
All the carriages were gone, and he stood there alone, looking around. There was nothing in the place of the excitement that had always filled him. Now he wanted to go back and get on the train again, he never wanted to get off that train. It was as if Hogwarts wasn't his home anymore but this train is.
The strong wind was blowing through his hair and robes. When he looked up, a drop from the clouds that had hidden the stars fell onto his cheek, and ran down his chin. Then another drop, this time onto his forehead, and from his forehead to his eyelashes. If it hadn’t been for a hand grabbing his shoulder and pulling him, he could have stood there for hours. When he involuntarily started, he turned around and saw Hagrid with his pink umbrella in his hand.
“If I’d known you were here, I would have put you on the boat with the first years.” There was no sound other than the pitter-patter of raindrops hitting his pink umbrella and the rustling of leaves blown away by the wind. Hagrid didn’t look as if he was waiting for an answer either. They just stared into each other’s eyes for maybe a second, maybe ten. Whether Hagrid had found the answer he was looking for or whether he hadn’t, he grabbed his shoulder and started dragging him behind himself towards the castle.
When he arrived at the castle, the Great Hall was already empty, and he wasn't hungry. He still had the snacks left by the Trolley Witch in his pocket. When he arrived in front of the Common Room, the Fat Lady said "Password" with an unconcerned tone. Sirius just continued to stare at the door, unresponsive. He had only been standing there for two minutes when a voice behind him said "Artemisia absinthium".
He was startled by the voice he had heard after months. Remus walked past him without even looking at him. The sleeve of his robe brushed against Sirius' hand. As Sirius looked at his hand, he heard the Fat Lady start to mutter and he went inside too. He couldn't remember the last time he had stayed in his dorm room. After that incident, he had tried to disappear as much as he could.So he waited a little in the Common Room.
Remus had only spoken to him once since then, and that was "Get the fuck out of my life." He had tried to apologize, but James had always grabbed him and dragged him out. No matter how hard he dragged him, he knew the tears in James' eyes were not from anger. He couldn't remember at what point he had stopped trying. But now he couldn't find an apology in himself. Perhaps it was because no one had ever apologized to him before for anything or it had taken him so long to realize that there was no excuse for what he had done.
At that moment, another sound, coming from the Common Room, where the dim light of the fireplace was, cut through the silence like a knife, outside the burning logs. A very familiar sound.
Tick... tock... tick... tock... tick... tock...
When he saw the clock shining in the dark corner of the room, he felt like he was lying on that cold marble floor again. The sound was getting louder in his ears, drowning out the sound of his own heart. He pulled his trembling hands tightly into the side of his robes.
He didn't know if the clock had always been there or how long it had been there. He ran up the stairs and into his dormitory. He didn't know how long he stood in front of the door. But when the sound of the clock was replaced by the sound of his friends' sleeping breathing, he noticed a small white light shining in the room.
Remus was sitting on his bed, his wand shining, looking at his own hands. His eyes flickered to where he was for a moment, but he quickly turned out the light and drew the curtains. Sirius lay down on his bed, trying not to make any noise, and stared at the ceiling for a long time.
Raindrops were pounding on the window.