Chapter 1
Sirius was drowning,
Drowning in self pity,
Drowning in sorrow,
But most of all guilt,
He was drowning in guilt and he didn't know how to save himself.
He had done something bad, really bad.
He told Snape.
Of all people he had to go and tell Snape.
Sirius sat alone in the room of requirements on a mattress on the floor. The room was bare, the only thing there was the mattress, a side table and an adjacent dingey bathroom. It was all he deserved. The room knew that. Knew that's what he felt he deserved.
It had been 3 weeks, 3 weeks of absolute hell. As soon as he realised what he did he ran he sprinted from the dungeons straight to Gryffindor tower and told James. He’ll never get that look on James face out of his head. That look of pure horror like he was seeing him for the first time, really seeing him.
He sat alone in the room and let James do the Gryffindor thing. He wasn't a Gryffindor, he was a poser. The hat must have made a mistake because how could he betray Moony, his Moony, the love of his life. They had only just figured things out, learned how to open up to each other, to tell their friends. And he had to go and ruin it.
Sirius left before James and Peter came back, packed a bag and just left. He wandered for the first day just sitting in hallways staring into space and wallowing. Wallowing for the love he knows he just lost, for the love he won't get back, he couldn't, he didn't even want to try, it would just hurt. Hurt him and Remus both. But he had to try.
So once he had finally built up the nerve to go to the hospital wing and walked in things went bad to say the least. Remus screamed and cried and then went blank which was worse, so so much worse “James. Get. Him. Out.” “No Remus you don't unders..” “I UNDERSTAND plenty. James.” Remus looked away “Come on NOW Sirius”. So Sirius and James walked out. “James please, PLEASE. You have to believe me I didn't mean to, I really didn't, it just came out. He was saying all this stuff an.. And..” “Just stop, Sirius, stay away from us. Remus doesn't want to see you and to be honest I don't really either”. With that James spun and stormed through the hospital doors locking behind him.
Sirius was expecting to get called to Dumbledore's or Mcgonagall's office but nothing happened. Everything was normal, he thought they would have immediately told the teachers, and tried to get him expelled. But no he sat alone in the come and go room with nothing. The girls tried to talk to him for the first while, Mary and Marlene still tried but Lilly was obviously told from the dirty looks and foot she stuck out to trip him in potions last week.
He couldn't handle it anymore the dirty looks, the complete ignoring from Remus not even acknowledging him. He tried writing letters but they got sent back completely unopened. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to push Remus but he can’t take it anymore.
He’s stopped going to the Great hall for meals, choosing to go to the kitchens every few days. He doesn't feel hungry and often throws up what he does eat. He just can't stomach it, can't enjoy life knowing what he did, what he did to Remus.
He hates himself and can't look in the mirror anymore for fear of the monster looking back. He knows he looks bad. He sees the stars in the halls and can feel the mats in his hair tugging his scalp, at the tiredness around his eyes.
The nightmares are back without Remus to sleep next to him. He hardly gets two hours sleep a night if he's lucky. He sees Regulus especially staring, knows he knows something is wrong and wants to help but can't bring himself to ask Sirius if he needs it.
He’s cutting again. He promised Remus he would never do it again after he found him at the start of the year after he left home. Craving the punishment his mother made him believe he deserved. Remus promised he didn't deserve it but now. Now he did. Now he deserved more than he could ever inflict on himself. His arms were completely covered in bandages now he had to move to his thighs now little red lines decorating them like paint strokes. It was beautiful. So terrifyingly beautiful.
It was now three weeks until summer and Sirius was worried he had four options
1. Grovel and beg James to still let him stay with him this summer even though he has been a horrific friend and that he'll stay in his room the whole time just to not send him back.
2. Find some way to make up with Remus before summer comes. How he doesn't know.
3. Live on the streets of muggle london.
4. Beg to go back to the Noble and Most Ancient house of black.
None sound good to Sirius but with no other options he sighs and lies back on his bed pulling his blade out of his side table. He stares at it. How it reflects the light dulled by the old stains of blood. He slowly pulls down his pants admiring how the scars both old and silver or fresh and pink blend together. He slowly pulls it across his skin sighing in relief as the blood slowly starts to pool and drip. He repeats this over and over again admiring each one like there is his firstborn.
He slowly wakes up groggy and tired from a restless sleep. He doubts he slept properly for more than an hour. It was mostly fitful nightmares.
He pulls on his robes and checks his watch, dam, hes going to be late for charms unless he leaves now. Grabbing his bag and running out of the room he makes it to charms in time to slip into the back unnoticed. Or was he.