Back To December
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, ‘I'm sorry for that night,’
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I go back to December all the time
“C-Costia?”
She shook her head not believing what was happening. She was dead, wasn’t she? Walking around her desk she made her way towards the woman wanting to embrace her in her arms.
Her face was embedded in her mind, every feature was there as she hadn’t changed one bit. Her brunette hair cascaded down the right side of her body with entangled braids she always wore. Those eyes always shone bright with adventure and hopefulness causing a soft smile to form at their memories together.
Her crazy beautiful audacious Costia was standing right in front of her. That had to be a miracle! Lexa could feel her heart already crumbling at just the sight knowing how she always demanded the room.
Trying to comprehend the situation, she couldn’t understand how Costia was breathing in front of her. Taking hold of her arms she needed more confirmation that this was not some crazy ghost story.
“I thought you died.” Lexa had finally managed to let out with a shaky breathe.
“I did.”
“I don’t understand.” Lexa instinctively held the girl by her face to let her thumbs run over the soft warm skin. Grabbing onto her wrist, Costia leaned into the touch.
“This is your dream Lexa. Remember?”
“Why am I dreaming about you now?”
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
They took a seat in the couch of her office as Costia laid her head on her chest. Lexa pulled her in close keeping a tight grip on her body. She missed the warmth that always radiated from the girl. It always felt so right to hold her in her arms, to know they were safe in these moments. No one could take that away from her.
This wasn’t unusual for Lexa to see Costia like this. In fact many times she had it was because she was overcoming a problem and she had no one to talk to. After she lost her she spent so many nights talking to her in her dreams.
Costia would visit as they would talk about everything and anything under the sun. Sometimes it was in her office, other times it was through the park, but wherever they were Costia had always help her through whatever was circulating in her mind.
“I haven’t seen you in a while.” Lexa had admitted taking in the sweet smell of her former lover. Home, just the way she liked it.
“You found someone.” She whispered.
“I don’t want to talk about.” Pressing a kiss to the wrapped arm she knew Lexa better than that. She wanted to enjoy every second she had left with the girl before she woke up from this but they needed to talk.
“I think that’s why I am here Lexa.” Sighing she knew she would have to give in otherwise Costia would antagonize her.
“Her name is Clarke.”
“Tell me about her.” Lexa ran her fingers up and down her arm as Costia snuggled closer.
“Well, she is something else. You would get a kick out of her Cos. She challenges me always keeping me on my toes. She is so determined and passionate about everything she does. Her fierce self fights for what is right and will ‘till her last breath. ”
Lexa’s smile got wider as she continued on about Clarke, something that did not go unnoticed by Costia.
“But god Costia, somehow she understands my pain. She knows what it’s like to hurt and she listens to every word I say as if it were a sacred text. Clarke makes me laugh when I feel I shouldn’t. I’ve tried so hard to make myself suffer after they took you. I don’t deserve to smile but she makes me feel good about myself and I hate that.”
Lexa went on to explain their current situation on how Clarke had left as she gave her an ultimatum. It was such storybook material as Clarke ran off into the plane leaving Lexa hurt. Costia almost wanted to slap her for being so dumb.
“You’re stupid you know.”
“Why?”
“You would have chosen work in a heartbeat Lex. ”
“I know.”
“You gave her that ultimatum because you knew what she was going to say. This was your insurance policy to get out while you could. Out of all people I knew work was your life it always came first. Why does it suddenly not matter for Clarke?”
Sighing, Lexa hated that she was right. There was no reason she had to make Clarke make that decision. There were about a thousand other ways to handle that situation not helping her case.
It was time she owned up to why she put herself in this mess. There were so many possibilities but it all came down to how she lost the girl in her arms.
“I’ve already almost gotten her killed and we aren’t even dating.” Lexa had admitted immediately giving understanding to Costia what was going on in her head.
“What happen?”
“I brought her to the Trigedakru festival and a few people wanted to rid her as she seemed to be invading our space. I tried to tell them she was no threat but of course they would not believe it. I almost killed one of them.”
“You know how dangerous it is to bring a Skaikru there. You must really like her.
“I’m head over heels for her which is why I can’t lose her the way I lost you, Cos. It’ll kill me.”
“You will do better with her.”
“What if I don’t?” Costia turned in her arms so that she now faced the girl completely as she straddled her hips. Lexa doubting herself was nothing new. She had been doing it since they were children and every time Costia had to remind her of the incredible woman she was.
“I am so sorry Costia. I never wanted any of that to happen to you.” She ran her hands through her hair feeling guilt consume her actions.
Every time she had seen her she would apologize to no end. Costia was dead because of her and everyday she had to live with that price that gloomed over her. It was the reason Lexa never looked for love again. It was the reason she preferred to remain alone for the rest of her life as she did not want anyone to suffer at her hands again.
“No matter how many times we go through this, I will always tell you the truth. It was not your fault Lexa. Please don’t stay like this forever, you deserve to be happy. I know how much you want it but it won’t happen with you sitting doing nothing. I approve of Clarke, I can see she makes you happy. Give it a chance.”
Lexa beamed a smile as she was reminded of Clarke. She did make her smile, laugh, feel better about herself something she rarely experienced. It wasn’t difficult with her only they made it seem like it.
“What if I can’t protect Clarke?”
“You’ll find your way Lexa, you already have once. Soon you will realize how great it is to have someone again I know you will protect her with your life.”
Costia placed a small kiss on her nose. “You Lexa Woods will be happy one day but right now you need to wake up because someone is waiting for you.”
“Who?”
Confused, Lexa watched as she got off her lap and made her way to the doorway. However she stopped before turning back around to look at Lexa.
“Oh Lexa, how is my sister?” Lexa smiled remembering how she never left without asking that one question, the other woman in her life that meant everything to her.
“Anya is doing good. She is working hard and is really making a name for herself.”
“Personal life?”
“The same as always.”
“I was afraid of that. Promise me you won’t let curl up into a ball and forget the world like you do.”
“I do not do that!” Costia gave her stern look as Lexa stood up. “Okay fine maybe a little.”
“I just don’t want her to end up alone or be sad. I worry she will always believe love is weakness. Please remind her it’s not Lexa. Or I’ll come back and haunt you.”
Costia had joked knowing her humor was one of Lexa’s favorite things. It was a win win because she always got to her cherished laugh that followed.
“I promise.” As she turned out to leave again before her voice dragged her back in.
“Costia wait.” Turning around she found Lexa closer.
“If I move on does that mean I won’t see you again?”
It clicked in her head that she sees Costia because she couldn’t let go of her past. She hadn’t seen her in a while because she talked to Clarke about her issues. Now her issues were with Clarke.
Moving on would mean she would finally let go of her. That was something she wasn’t sure she was ready for. Their hands entwined she could feel the girl’s luminous aura. Costia placed a delicate kiss on her lips.
“Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim, Leksa.” Lexa kept her eyes shut not wanting to open them for if she did, her former lover would be gone for who knows how long.
Feeling their hands slowly separate she slowly opened her eyes not knowing if Costia was truly gone for good.
The sun was beaming bright as she blinked a few times to adjust to the daylight. The sun was going down which meant it was going to shoot right at her face. Using her arms to shield it away she sat up realizing where she was.
“If you are going to be on the beach the least you could do is change out of your business clothes.”
Turning her head she saw as Clarke sat there in the sand with her mushy smile. Of course she looked more stunning than ever as the sun setting behind her with the Miami wind taking her blonde hair.
She wore colorful pattern shorts with a white shirt and a shawl wrapped around her to protect her from the wind. Her skin was darker giving her a more mature look. Thinking back to her conversation with Costia she knew this girl had to be special, so special that she was sneaking her way into her heart.
“How did you find me?”
“You always talked about how beautiful the beach is in Miami. So when I saw you weren’t at work I came to the closest spot.”
Remembering what happened she had too much of a stressful day at work so she headed straight to the beach where she must of fallen asleep without realizing it. Brushing off some of the sand on her shirt she noticed the book and pencil in Clarke’s hand.
“Is that the book?” Clarke nodded her head as she handed over the pages.
It was the present that Lexa had given her before she left to Texas. It was clearly being put to use as she recalled what she had written on it.
Dear Clarke, stop being so stubborn. You are depriving the opportunity for others to be changed by your work. If you won’t do it for me then do it for you, you owe yourself that much.
Every page had a drawing following a small piece of writing. Flipping through it most of it was of either her experience at the base or of herself. She had been clearly working on drawing her as she saw the unfinished drawing on the last page.
It was herself having fallen asleep in the sand. The writing next to it wrote, I’m sorry. It was genuine and sincere as she wished they never had to deal with this in the first place.
All the other drawings of herself had the same writing next to it. Guilt consumed her but that wasn’t something Lexa didn’t not expect. It was the many different drawings of herself she was stunned by, though they weren’t the only ones it took her by surprise she thought about her that much.
“You’re right. I can’t let it go.”
“You’re so talented Clarke. I get you thinking you that being a doctor will make your life more useful but art can do the same.”
“Lexa.”
“I’m serious Clarke. You have an opportunity that I didn’t have. You have a choice. I’m jealous that you do.”
“Did the CEO of a billion dollar company just tell me they were jealous of me?”
“Don’t get too cocky there.”
Lexa’s hands dangled over her knees as she took on the taunt of the blonde. Her art was amazing and she would stand by it even Clarke couldn’t do the same for herself. It was her laugh that triggered a heart stop as she listened.
She missed her and that laugh proved just that emotion. It had been way too long.
“A year is a long time Clarke.”
“Lexa.” The laughter drained from her face as she became somber. There was a lot to be said but how does one begin.
“I go back to December every day. I try to think why I walked away from it all. You were right I could have easily worked in New York. Every moment I wish I could go back and change what I did. I’m sorry for that night Lexa.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do, you just won’t tell me.” Lexa stood up now as she wiped away the sand that covered her body.
“I can’t tell you because I still don’t know! Have you even figured it out?” Clarke almost screamed trying to convey her message in frustration. Running her hands through her hair she looked up to see the girl standing over her.
The truth was she didn’t figure it out either. Not until she saw Costia in her dream. It became clear as to why she made Clarke decide.
Sighing she sat back down and began to explain herself.
“I fell in love. I thought she was the one. I thought this is the girl of my dream. Then one day someone took her. I was a rising business woman and I had owe a lot of money I couldn't pay back.”
Clarke stood quiet listening to every word intently.
“They gave some time but they began to get impatient. Threatening me I shrugged it off. Then one day I woke up and she was gone. I paid them with everything I had but by then it was too late.”
Placing her hand on her arm she gave a comforting squeeze understanding the point being made, however, Lexa continued.
“I thought if I cared for anyone again I would end up losing them too. Seeing you go I was afraid you wouldn't come back. I couldn’t lose you.”
“I’m here with you now Lexa.”
“Not entirely. I need you to be honest with me now too.”
Clarke stood quiet for a minute but found herself shaking her head. She couldn't bring herself to admit whatever it was being held inside.
Lexa stood up knowing that looking. Knowing she wasn't going to admit whatever it was hurting her, what made her so afraid.
“Lexa.” Clarke stood up now too to follow the girl who began to make her way towards the boardwalk.
“Lexa.” Clarke tried again this time cutting off her path. “I don’t know the answer. I don’t know what to say.”
Lexa could see the confusion in her eyes. So much guilt and frustration was blockading her and all she wished was for the girl to tear down her wall already but Lexa could not do it for her.
She cupped her face as Clarke immediately grabbed onto her wrist not wanting to let her go.
“Find me when you are ready to break down the wall. That was our deal.” Lexa placed a soft kiss on her forehead leaving the blonde on the beach alone.
*9 Months Ago*
“Have everything packed for next week. Lincoln is a go. Call Mr.Trent and schedule a meeting. Clear everything from 12 to 2 so that I can take the call from Beijing. Also make sure I have food already then.”
Taking a deep breath she turned towards Lexa. “That is how you do it.” Anya smirked barking orders at the new assistant who scurried off to do as she was told.
“Very impressive Anya. You’ll do a good job here.”
“I know. After all I did boss you around for most of our childhood.” Sitting on her desk she picked up the pencil on her desk twirling it in her hand.
“And yet you still work for me.” Lexa took the pencil from the girl. Standing up from her chair she looked out the window to enjoy the view of the city, the very few she would have less of soon.
It was a gloomy day as the sky poured down a few drops already. It was amazing how many skyscrapers began to disappear in the clouds as she felt her own slowly being immersed. There were days she enjoyed that fact as it covered her from the rest of the world.
The knock on the door caused Anya to sit off the desk as the new assistant walked in.
“I thought I gave you something to do.” Anya crossed her arms as the assistant clutched onto a handful of manila envelopes.
“I am doing them. I just have a message for Ms.Woods.”
Without speaking or turning Lexa raised her hand to signal her to speak.
“A woman named Ms.Griffin is here to see you.”
Quickly, Lexa turned her whole body around to face the assistant now. Anya too moved quickly noticing Lexa’s reaction as she hopped off the desk to make her way towards her.
“Clarke?” Her voice was already laced with too much hope and desire.
“Send her away.” Anya spat immediately. Worried she knew what the girl had done and was personally furious at her.
“What is she doing here?”
That was the issue, she gave Lexa hope and then took it away every time she was gone. Clarke had too much power over her. Anya hated to see her sister like this which was why she planned on doing everything in her power to keep them apart.
“It doesn’t matter Lexa. She made her choice.”
“It’s only been two months.”
“Lexa you-”
“I need to see her.” Coming out of her shock trance she made a move towards the door but Anya moved faster so she could block the girl from leaving. The assistant stood frozen on the side afraid to ask what was even going on.
“Tell her to come up.” Lexa spoke.
“No, don’t do it.” Anya retorted leaving the assistant to swing back and forth.
“Do it and I’ll give you a raise.” Smirking, Lexa knew she had one up her but Anya was not one to easily give up.
“Tell her to come and you're fired.” Now she was smiling knowing she had it in the bag. However, it did not stop Lexa to make a move again towards the door but Anaya pushed her back.
“She left YOU! Clarke left you!”
It was that reminder she needed as she shook her head. Anya was right, Clarke had made her decision. A choice had to be made and she made it. So it was time to move on.
The assistant finally left receiving the approval nod from Lexa. Walking back she flopped back onto her chair and turning it so she could face the window again.
“Get me the files for Project Expansion.”
“Lexa.” Anya realized she may have just pushed the girl back into her cage as she shut down again. It wasn’t intentional she just needed to protect her little sister as she promised.
“Don’t make me repeat myself Anya.” Without another attempt she left the office as Lexa looked over the new files in her hand. The plan she had brewing was going sting.
Every bit of her wanted to see Clarke but she needed to hold her ground. It didn’t surprise her that Clarke would come back but she surely did not expect it this soon. It was time to go through with a plan that she knew will cause fire.
After receiving the news that Lexa did not want to see her Clarke grew frustrated. If she was going to fly all the way over here to see her than she wasn’t going to give up that easily.
Nodding her head to the assistant she made her way outside the doors where the rain began to pour ten times harder. She wasn’t allowed to stay inside the lobby so she opted for the more inconvenient choice, to sit outside in the rain. If she had to wait all night for her to come out then she was prepared for that.
A few hours passed before a boy came out from the office. He turned towards Clarke and handed her umbrella.
“No thank you, I’m okay.” He shook his head and forced her the umbrella again but Clarke declined again. Sighing he sat next to Clarke on the floor where he held the umbrella over their heads.
It didn’t surprise her that this was Lexa’s doing. Even if she was mad at Clarke she wouldn’t let her sit out here and get pneumonia. That was just the person she was, always caring even when she was mad.
Giving in she took the umbrella feeling sorry for the boy. He must have been an intern and was probably hating his job more than anything right now.
A couple more hours passed before Lexa came out with Anya trailing behind. Almost having missed her because she fell asleep she quickly stood up to stop her.
“Lexa.” The girl had stopped but Anya whispered something in her ear. She wanted her to turn around and give her a chance to explain.
“Lexa. I don’t want to run away anymore. I’m here now.” Clarke tried again with one hand on her shoulder. She wished for the woman to turn but she didn’t.
Instead she slapped her with her words without making eye contact or turning. “I am seeing someone Clarke. You had your chance.”
Something inside her broke at those words. She didn’t want to believe it but she watched as Lexa got in the town car following the other brunette.
“Why did you say that?” Anya whispered as the door shut.
“Now she will stay away.”
“I know you don’t want that.”
“It’s for her own safety. After what happen at the Trigedakru festival, I can't have her exposed.”
After Clarke left she thought about why it didn’t work out and it all came down to that night. Wa she a bad kisser? Did she scare her away? But it was thought of someone trying to attack her that scared her. Lexa had been so caught up with feeling this new emotion she forgot why had banned herself from it.
As the car began to pull out it suddenly stopped jerking them forward.
“What the fuck?” Anya looked over to see what it was but Lexa had spotted it first already opening the door.
“Are you trying to get yourself killed?”
“You aren’t seeing someone.” Clarke called out as her hands were still attached to the hood of that. “I know you!”
“I am. Get out of the way Clarke.”
“I miss you Lexa.” It was those words she didn’t want to hear. It was not what she needed to say because they could have been avoided. Jumping out of the car she moved towards the girl.
She strode towards Clarke who was now drenched from head to toe.
“I miss you? Is that all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know Clarke maybe sorry for leading you on for so long and then leaving you in the airport without an explanation.”
Clarke had never really heard Lexa yell but this sounded very close it as they were now both in the rain drenched.
“You put so much pressure on me I couldn’t even think. You just threw it on me.”
“Why are you here Clarke?” She was shaking her head now as her voice simmered down. Lexa moved closer so she could see through the rain and hear her.
“I came back for you.”
“It’s been two months.”
“You’re right I do like you a lot and I just didn’t know how to handle it. The last person I thought I loved cheated on me.”
“You know I’m not like most people.”
Unintentionally they gravitated closer trying to express the emotions they were both so terrible at acknowledging.
“Tell me to stay and I will.”
“You don’t know what you are saying. You need to go back to Texas.”
“But I want you.”
“Why did you go?”
“I don’t know Lexa, maybe because of all the confusion? You make me feel things I’m not ready for. When I’m around you I can’t think straight.” Clarke answered warily. There was a tendency inside her to get all mixed and tangled when she was this close to Lexa.
“That’s why you need to go back to Texas. I need you to figure out why you left that day. Clarke if you can’t break down your wall then this won’t work.”
“What about your wall? I know there is so much you don’t tell me. Like why in the first place you put me under pressure like that.”
Lexa stepped closer as now their bodies were brushing against the other. Wiping away all the blonde hair from her face she looked into those bright blue eyes. Even with the pouring rain coming down, she knew she could look into them forever.
“Break down your wall and I’ll break mine down. Then we can try this.”
“Promise?”
“Find me when you do.”
Clarke placed a small kiss on the corner of her lip. A sign of hope and a chance for them. Just this small hurdle to jump and then they were home free. Right?