Behind The Mask

I hate that I
Spend my days just wasting time day dreaming 'til I see you again
I'm not used to this
Oh, I used to be so used to boys just using me
For you to be you to me
Feels new to me
'Cause I usually cheer for the bad side
Love under a bad sign
So it makes me mad I'm
Falling again

There were days like today where Lincoln did not want to even get out of bed. As a child he had that mentality for so long mostly because he was afraid of being in the house. His bed was his safe space from the world and today from his responsibilities. Gratefully he was not in charge of Lexa today so he decided to get up and go for his morning run.

Getting out of bed he realized what had evolved from his dream last night. It was all he had thought about lately, not just the sex, but missing his girlfriend. Octavia was constantly on his mind.

From what she was doing to what she was eating he just wanted to know everything. The woman had become a drug as he had become addicted to her being. From the moment he met her he was enchanted by her entire essence.

Octavia was the girl for him and he would gladly wait out this long distance relationship to work out. When he had received the text from Octavia that Clarke was back he knew it was inevitable for his sister to finally return home to New York where they could reunite.

Finally shaking his thoughts he threw on a pair of shorts, shirt, and grabbed some money he figured it would be best to grab breakfast afterwards. This was way better in Miami as he would have to bundle up if he were in New York during this time of the season.

After a mile in down the boardwalk his body stopped short. Running released all the stress building up with the wind blowing through his body and bald head. It felt good no matter how many times people had busted his chops over that statement.

Now he was considering that maybe there was too much tension built up because he swore he saw his girlfriend leaning against the rail on the boardwalk.

The girl seemed to be distracted as she watched the waves slowly crash against the shore over and over.

She had planned to see Lincoln later after she saw the morning waves. He had claimed over the phone it was a sight she had to wake up to. So she did allowing herself to gather her thoughts that had been wrapped up in her boyfriend.

Work had been taking a toll on her and with no way to relieve the stress she had become very antsy and defensive. Lincoln was her reliever and if she did not get it soon she was going to explode. Realizing how hard she was falling for Lincoln felt like a bad sign to her.

Octavia was not the one to have a great love nor she ever imagined settling down. Before college she had been very spirited wanting to explore the world with her great curiosity. Only it proved to be dangerous as hormonal boys took advantage of her innocence.

Bellamy had been very protective steering away the good boys and attracting the bad ones who were up for the challenge. Boys were the definition of trouble which she soon buried herself in.

Lincoln was beginning to break her bad habits just by showing his care for her. It was a dangerous to play a love game with Octavia because no mercy was spared.

“Octavia?” Turning her head the smile that formed on her face was inevitable. In seconds he felt the girl in his arms as she made her way as fast she could into them.

To say he was surprised was an understatement. Spinning her around her laughter filled his ears in excitement. She really was here.

Before he could even ask why she was here her lips was pressed against his. Full of hunger and desire she couldn’t believe how much she really had missed him.

“Not complaining but what are you doing here?” Slowly he placed her feet back onto the ground afraid of letting her go again.

“Clarke is trying to fight back for Lexa, so I decided to make the trip with her here.”

“I’ve missed you.” Lincoln pulled her closer as Octavia wrapped her arms around her neck.

“Me too.” She kissed him again missing the feeling of the butterflies flying everywhere.

“How long do I have you for?”

“How about some breakfast?” He nodded his head that was pressed against her.

“I ran here though.”

“Don't worry I got us covered.” Keeping a tight grip on his hand she led them to a parking lot where they made idle conversation.

“Did you know I was going to be here.”

“Actually no. I was going to go to your job and surprise you. I just wanted to see the shore.”

“Well surprise I am.”

They made their way down the boardwalk hand in hand despite Lincoln’s protest to his sweaty hands. While Lexa had been up his tail with business lately his stress and no sleep was starting to catch up. It was his girlfriend that kept him grounded.

All his life he remained grounded by the realities of life. Only he spent those times just living life because he was afraid to die. With Octavia life was not what it used to be. He saw that he wasn’t just trying to get by everyday.

Days used to be spent hoping he could just see tomorrow without another scratch but now days were consumed with with not only wanting but needing another tomorrow because there was just not enough days for them to be together.

Similarly Octavia had felt the same way only before, her tomorrows were days she could live without. Much of her childhood was spent in fear and desperation not wanting tomorrow to come as that day nothing had happened and that was perfectly okay with her.

Despite growing closer the issue the two struggled with was remaining unknown to each other. Neither discussed their pasts as they preferred to take advantage of the now considering that is how they lived for so long.

What had to be hoped was that no type of past would come and haunt them otherwise they would face the struggles that come from a history of trials and tribulations.

Once they had reached the parking lot he noticed what Octavia meant by she had them cover.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah it’s not mine. My friend owns one down here and let me borrow it.”

Octavia noticed the wary look on his face as she approached the vehicle. It all made sense now why she was dressed the way she was. Despite not seeing his girlfriend in a while he couldn’t help but get excited.

“Come on Linc, you scared?”

“Never.”

“Then hop on.” Octavia winked before placing the helmet over her head. Sitting on the bike she waited until Lincoln sat behind her wrapping his arms around her waist.

“I hate you.” He grumbled in which Octavia responded to the roaring sound of the bike.

“Can’t hear you.” Octavia screamed over the engine. Kicking the stand back she began to drove off laughing at her boyfriend.

---------
And I wasn't trying
To melt this heart of iron
But the way you hold me makes the old me pass away
And I would be lying
If I said I wasn't scared to fall again
But if you promise me you'll catch me
Then it's okay

“Faster.” She ignored the girl who was as per usual trying to command her.

“I’m going at my pace.”

“Raven if you don’t do it then I will do it myself.”

“I don’t care.”

“Just watch me do it and learn.”

“Anya.”

“Shut up. We do it my way or we don’t do it at all.” With a loud sigh she knelt on her knees to do the dirty deed.

“You worry too much you know.” Anya rolled over onto her back then standing back up doing her best to ignore the mechanic.

“They won't find out about us, you know.” Despite her annoyed look Raven continued to try to understand this woman who was just a rock, more of a boulder, that needed to be pushed.

“There is no us.”

“You know what I mean.” Raven knelt on the ground to follow the instructions barked by Anya. Still struggling with her leg she carefully moved it to the side.

“I am only training your dog.”

“And I appreciate that I know how hard this can be for you.”

Anya pointed to the ground working with the dog as he followed all the instructions in the motion of her fingers.

“I don't understand.”

“You try to be some badass with no heart but here you are helping me.”

“Don't get ahead of yourself.”

“I'm trying to figure out why you are such an enigma to me. I could read anyone no problem but with you it’s like I’m staring at a blank page.”

“Well stop trying. Some things aren't meant to be understood.”

“What if you're not.” Raven looked up at girl who had been staring down at her. Anya quickly shifted her gaze toward the dog knowing she had been caught.

After the party Anya had reluctantly joined Lexa too, Raven and her exchanged numbers. They had talked every once in a while since occasionally actually calling over the phone.

When Raven had explained one day she was trying to train her dog and failing miserably Anya offered to help her train him. Initially Raven had laughed at the mere idea of her even being able to actually have a caring side.

It had caught her by surprise that Anya had managed to express a very nurturing side. However, her stiff side was very handy in whipping Cado into shape.

“Cado down.” Anya commanded then finally looked back to Raven who remained patient.

“Come let's go for a walk.” Raven only nodded her head trying to get up. Anya wanted to help instinctively reaching her arm out to help the stumbling girl.

Yet Raven was able to catch herself not needing help. Proud she could get up she smiled awkwardly at the girl.

“Got lucky there.”

Raven almost felt her jaw drop when Anya responded. “No Raven you're strong.”

“So you do have a heart.” Quick to pull up her comedic side to protect herself she made the joke. Something inside her stopped as Anya stared at her with intent. The almond eyes were laced with determination and passion.

There was concern for the girl genuinely speaking from the heart. Even if neither of them realized it Anya's dam of emotions cracked just a little to let a drop of water through.

“I'm just being honest.” That dam was quick to be patched despite Raven stepping closer unaware of her body's intentions. Clarke knew her pain best but with Anya she had understood and felt it too making it a lot easier to be around.

It was Anya who had mentally kicked herself to snap them both back into reality. “Let’s go.”

Agreeing she followed the girl down the paved road in Central Park. Cado followed along in their silence. It was uncharacteristically warm for New York this time of the year which is why they decided to head outside today.

Sneaking a look over to the girl who kept her eyes straight ahead she didn’t want to admit that she wanted to know more about the girl. When she had met Lexa she thought she was was a puzzle but spending more time with Anya proved different.

Anya was cautious and more in control of her behaviour as every step was with purpose. Nothing she does was done without reason. Which Raven knew was that there was a reason Anya spent time with her.

“Do you pity me?” There was only one way to really find out and that’s what she was going to do.

“I told you to leave it alone.”

“I can’t. I like to solve things and you are something I cannot solve. Do you see the problem here?”

“I’ll give you some advice Raven. You can’t control external factors, learn to accept your limitations and you’ll be able to move on.”

“I don’t believe in limitations.”

“That is why you cannot move on.” Anya pointed with her head towards the leg. Being the intelligent woman she was, it was obvious Raven still had not truly moved on from her leg. In fact she resented the world for doing this to her harboring all her hatred and letting a mask fully consume her with every passing day.

“I should pay you for the therapy session Grounder Princess.” The name had stuck when Anya refused to reveal her background.

For the longest time she had no idea of her nationality, still doesn’t. Anya explained that she came from the Earth, that her entire being evolved from the ground, hence the nickname. Raven only smirked again only to have it wiped off with Anya’s snarky comeback.

“For that you would actually have to be here and stop using your humor as a defense mechanism.”

“You don’t fucking know me.” Raven strode in front of the girl to stop in front of her tracks. The anger inside her grew at the assumption being made by the blonde.

Anya only stared back at her refusing to answer. With crossed arms and a raised brow she waited curiously for what she had to say. Anger was best released on someone you care about which was easy for Raven to do as she barely knew the girl.

“You always act all high and mighty. You think you are better than everyone and that the world should be kneeling at your feet. Well I got news for you! No one gives a shit about you. You have been Lexa’s assistant for years despite knowing more and teaching her! You have no love life nor social but work all day devoted to the precious Woods Inc. So don’t tell me what to do until you get your shit show of a life together!”

Raven swirled around ignoring Cado’s excessive barking. With her limping leg she began to storm off expecting Cado to follow. Anya was quicker as she wrapped her arms around Raven’s waist to pull her close to her body.

Raven could not fight the hands though as she watched the biker speed right past them cursing along as she had been standing in the bicycle lane. It brought a flashback of memories back from the last time she had not checked where she was going.

Involuntarily her body gave out as her knees fell to the ground. Anya had fallen with her still holding her close to her own body. Although she had experienced the whirlwind of the moment her heart was racing due to the proximity of the woman.

She had not realized how much she had missed the feeling of being held by someone. Neither did as they involuntarily fell into the embrace. It was the immediate comfort that came from it in which Raven let the first tear fall.

Only this tear could not escape quickly caught by Anya’s fast reflexes. The hazel eyes focused in on the brown that for the first time revealed confusion and fear. It was too easy to fall back into it but they both understood the consequences that came with it.

Once you care for someone you become weaker in this world in which neither were able to be. The woman had struck a chord in Anya which alone made the woman fearful. Despite everything told to her growing up the world had stopped in that moment.

She couldn’t hear the birds or dog communicating excessively nor could she see the annoyed New Yorkers maneuvering their way around the two. The moment was safe and comfortable but reality was waiting and it could not wait any longer.

Quickly she let go of the girl before she whispered in her ear, “You don’t know me at all.”

Both women knew that Raven had to deal with her leg already and really get over this hump in her life. To continuously use her leg as a form a weakness proved how much she still held onto it.

Because when Anya saw she didn’t see her leg bringing her down but only strengthening her to the woman she truly is. There was time to grieve but Anya had seen the resilience in the girl and waited for her to see her through her eyes.

Anya got up from their embrace quickly fleeing the scene. Raven turned around to see the woman stride away to leave her with her emotions. Her eyes squeezed shut feeling the guilt that came along from her mistake of who Anya was. The truth was she didn’t know enough, something she was not used to.

The iron heart’s protected by experiences of past loves was beginning to melt away with the rise of heated tensions between the two. The only problem they had to face is if they are willing to finally let go.

----------
Some nerve you have
To break up my lonely
And tell me you want me
How dare you march into my heart
Oh how rude of you
To ruin my miserable
And tell me I’m beautiful
Cause I wasn’t looking for love no
Nobody asked to get me attached to you
In fact you tricked me
And I wasn’t trying to fall in love but boy you pushed me
So all that I’m asking
Is that you handle me with caution
Cause I don’t give myself often
But I guess I’ll try today

Walking through her garden she carefully searched through it for any weeds she could pull out. It happened to be a nice evening in Miami which allowed her to garden a little. There was something soothing about nature and she couldn't have much of that when she remained in the city.

It was in the city where she had finished her years of growing up. New York offered the perfect opportunity to unite the different clans that remained from the old land and create the coalition.

People were afraid at first but this had offered many an opportunity as Lexa gave her jobs immediately to her people. They were soon offered stability and create their own lives within the culture.

With the next festival fastly approaching she knew it would be time to head back. Admittedly they were her favourite time of the year but after the last fiasco fears were put in place.

“Heda, we can have someone do that for you.”

Chopping off a flower she carefully examined it removing any excess. She twirled it through her fingers slowing down if she suspected something.

“Indra, if you are unable to get your own hands dirty how do you ever expect your people to work as hard as you expect them.”

“I'm sorry Heda.”

“Is there a reason you grace me with your presence?”

“Miss Griffin is awaiting to talk to you.” Bringing the flower down to her side she debated for a moment how truly safe it was that she was here.

The promise had already been made for her to see her but she wasn't entirely sure if this was a smart idea. Without a doubt Lexa was crazy about her but there was so much more than just emotions and physical attraction.

“Let her in.” Indra walked away giving Lexa a few moments to prepare herself.

Clarke was like the white rose she held in her hand. The essence of the flower remained hidden in the center of it. To reach the heart and all its being there were petals overlapping each other that needed to be peeled off correctly.

If each petal was not carefully removed it would fall apart, but that was not the only thing that kept the core hidden. There were thorns up and down its stem to protect itself. They shielded her from anyone trying to enter knowing only those who were able to get through were truly deserving of the sensation wrapped inside.

Clarke, the white rose, remained innocent so Lexa’s past life. A taste of who she was almost killed her spoiling the flower. She couldn’t destroy that anymore no matter how right it felt when she was with her.

The reality was Clarke is a poison she wasn’t sure she could handle. Everything about her was enticing and desirable while all the dots connected with her, another taste of Clarke and she would be a goner.

It wasn’t safe for either as she couldn’t lose another life nor could her heart handle more pain.

“I can hear you thinking from here.”

“That is physically impossible, Clarke.” She turned around to see the blonde standing at the steps of the doorway to the backyard. Her eyes trailed away from Lexa to stare at the rest of the yard when she knew they had stared each other down long enough.

A part of her made the decision already to never be with this woman and to make sure she didn’t have a chance with her. However, the second she looked at her she knew that would be impossible to do.

She wore a white dress that flowed off her knees and tight around her breasts making them fuller. The blonde curls fell down her bare shoulders with half of them pinned back. Add wings and Lexa could swear she was in heaven.

“You are beautiful.” The words fell off her lips unable to control the emotions that built up inside her when she saw her.

“You speak dangerous words.”

“I speak the truth Clarke.” The challenge came again but it was Lexa’s favorite thing about the woman. She wasn’t afraid to make the ground under her wobble in her own control.

Clarke was special. She was able to hold her own not needing anyone else to make her. Just as she desired she wanted the world to see her for her strengths no matter how much she was crumbling inside in which Lexa herself became a pro at as well.

But Clarke wasn’t here for just any reason. The biggest strength she would have today would be able to tell Lexa what really was emotionally going on despite her already knowing.

“Are you ready?”

“I want my building back.”

“I see you have built your walls higher.”

“Listen Lexa, I’ve tried but I don’t know what is holding me back. Can’t we just move on from this.”

Lexa moved towards the girl handing her the flower. Clarke stared at it intently before staring back into the green eyes she had grown fond of. Lexa had made a promise to care for Clarke and if the girl needed to come to terms with it then that was what she would help her with.

“This flower is one you have loved and cherished your whole life. This flower has helped shaping your entire being making you the woman that stands before me.”

Lexa pulled out a lighter from her pocket. She watched as Lexa carefully lit the flower on fire. The petals were quickly taken by the burning flame in which Clarke dropped to the ground then stepped on to put it out.

“Once something is gone it’s gone forever.” Lexa spoke carefully hoping Clarke would understand what she was trying to come across. “You will never have the flower again.”

“Well yeah because you just burned the one thing I only ever loved.”

Gratefully Clarke was no dummy and understood who the flower really was. In response she pulled out another flower handing it the woman again.

“Are you going to burn this one too?”

“You can love more than one flower but you have to learn to let the other go.”

“You want me to forget my father?” A part of Lexa giddied inside knowing Clarke was finally getting into that deep emotion. Accepting her father’s death would help her move on.

“Never. Learn to love again.”

“Last time I did it only got hurt again.” Clarke tried to love again but Finn had abused her fragile heart. It was already weak only to suffer another blow.

“My intentions are to never hurt you Clarke.”

Clarke sighed as she made her way fully into the garden now with Lexa standing behind her. She watched the girl gracefully ran her hands through the flowers.

There were an array of different flowers that revealed the softer side to Lexa. Each one was carefully cared for to allow it to nurture and grow into this exquisite state. It didn’t surprise her Lexa was the one to make sure they were all perfect it was just how she was.

Just like now being the perfect woman she was she was trying to really get to know Clarke. Despite the physical attraction that was undeniably growing between the two, Lexa wanted to know every bit of her getting as close as two people can possibly be.

“It's not about my father being dead but how he died.”

Lexa came from behind to hold her hand in which Clarke stared at meticulously. Using her other hand she stroked the back of it looking into Clarke's eyes to get the okay.

With a small nod Lexa led them further into the grand garden of multitude of colors. It wasn't a surprise the woman had this extraordinary garden that literally brought you into a new world. Lexa did nothing half done in which Clarke quickly picked up on. They continued to hold hands as Clarke came clean.

“There was a fire in my house. We had stopped it all but I remembered I had left a very special stuffed animal to me in the house in which I ran back in to get it. I couldn't see anything by the time I retrieved it. My father ran in to get me in which he helped me lead outside the house but just before we got to the exit the ceiling started to fall.”

Clarke paused for a moment trying to gather her emotions. The memory flooded back as if she were still experiencing it. The vivid images of her father rushing in to save her were engraved in her mind.

Lexa stopped their walk to brush away the strand of blonde hair that fell. Rarely did Lexa like to use words in which she used her actions to speak for her. Clarke was not in that house as the touch had reminded her of that.

“A part of it fell on him in which he couldn't get out. I wanted to help him but he told me to run outside and tell the firefighters where he was. So I did not realizing that once I left him there the rest of the house would collapse. My father died because of me and since I haven't really forgiven myself.”

Her eyes were trained on the floor but after the revelation she could feel the tears swelling in her eyes. With her watery blue eyes she looked up to Lexa who held the stern look she always did only this time comfort was released.

She wanted her to know that she would be here for her, the shoulder she needed to cry on or the punching bag she needed to fight on. Lexa wanted to be there for Clarke and that scared her just as much because the last time someone was willing to give it up all for her she had really lost them.

“I lost him because I wanted a stupid fucking stuffed animal.”

“Your father died a hero.”

“I’d rather have him alive than a hero.” Lexa understood that pain knowing gaining a title like that comes with a price to pay. Nothing in life came free even if you paid with your misery.

“I wasn't looking for love.” Clarke spoke up again having hit the core emotion that was held deep inside her.

“I’ll protect your heart with my life.”

“How can I trust that you will? You've had all the power so far Lexa. You were the one who came to me in the rain, the masque ball and then my building. It's like you've always been one step ahead and I can't catch up. You already have my building and my fragile heart. What is it all for?”

It was the perfect time to reveal the truth but if she told her she knew she would lose her. She couldn't lose Clarke not after she just got her back. It was selfish but she would let her believe what she wanted.

What Lexa had to do was convince her that those things did not matter. It was what was brewing between the two that mattered most as the past was in the past. Lexa’s silence only fueled the artist more.

“You can’t just try to take me out of my misery with your affection with your soft touches or loving words by calling me beautiful. You can’t do all this without a purpose Lexa because I know everything you do is done with reason.”

Lexa took the hand she was holding and placed it over her chest. Clarke could feel the rapid beating of the heart.

“Ai tombom teik nodotaim kom yun daun. Den ai badan yu klin, Klok. Ai swega yu klin na gouba raun bilaik yu gafen laik ai gafen.”

Clarke looked back at the woman who looked back softly. She was reminded of the night in the masquerade ball where the woman had first revealed her pain. That pain had taken flight again trying to convey to her that she didn’t dwell in pain alone. Misery loved company.

My heart beats again because of you. Because of that I swear fealty to you Clarke. I vow to treat your needs as my own.”

She translated for the girl who slowly was trying to grasp every word so that she could learn more about her world. The power laced in her words were too great for Clarke to even find the right words to respond.

In some odd way, just like the woman herself, she had promised to be faithful to Clarke no matter what she had chose to do. Being with Lexa felt as if it brought out the worst and best in her. They were playing a dangerous love game each wanting to protect the most precious thing life offered, a beating heart.

Lexa slowly let go of the hand letting it fall back to her side. In that moment she wanted to taste the lips she had once had. The feelings that erupted in her ached to have more of the sweet sensations but she wasn’t in control of the situation.

Clarke still struggled to find the right words but she was grateful Lexa knew the overwhelming emotions that consumed her.

“You are not the only one that is afraid of losing someone you love.”

“Your past lover?”

“Of course Costia hurt but I meant family. I was not honest with you when I told you I did not know where I came from. I had a younger sister, her name was Adriana.(Ah-three-an-ya)”

“I’m sorry for your lost Lexa.”

“I hope she is not dead. She was adopted because of her youth and when the family would not take me we were forced to be separated. Once I became the CEO I desperately looked for her but to this day I have no idea of her whereabouts. Many of the people I hire have claimed she must have passed.”

“You blame yourself.”

“Aye as you do.”

“I want to know more about your past Lexa.”

“I promise you this Clarke. Go on a date with me and I’ll tell you about my past despite how much I would prefer it to remain there.”

Clarke kissed the warm cheek grateful for her sincerity. “Then we have a deal.”