Champagne
I got champagne for the pain,
Blackout all the memories
Runnin' through my veins,
I don't really wanna feel anything
Tryin' to escape,
I'm my only enemy
Drinks up, keep 'em laced
I don't really wanna feel anything
198. 199. 200. He stood up from his push-ups happy to have finished his third set on a strong note. There was something calming and rhythmic to move his body up and down. In the military the Sergeant's voice was harsh but motivational as he yelled at them to ‘move their fucking scrawny asses’. He would remind you that if you weren't strong enough to hold yourself up death would bite you. If you couldn't help yourself you were useless to the country as you were expected to help save this nation from the heinous crimes of other countries.
His Sergeant was different than most people realized though. He wanted you to feel all your emotions. They were a reminder of their job. If they couldn't love then they couldn't love their country. If they couldn't get angry then they couldn't find the motivation to fight back.
Feeling everything inside you made you a better soldier as it meant you understood yourself and limitations which allowed you to correct those errors. However one wasn't allowed to love anyone other than their country. One wasn't allowed to be angry at anyone other than their enemies. They could only have emotions for war otherwise they were expected to remain unchanging.
Bellamy had finally been released of the facility and was on his own now. Octavia offered to help him out but he needed time alone. What he was really trying to accomplish was to feel something. Every moment spent in the facility was filled with no emotions as he couldn't feel happy, angry, shock, even pain. He was emotionless and if he was to ever have a shot with Clarke again he needed to get his shit together.
He began to overwork himself as the gym was now his new bed. However he wasn't getting anything out of it. He was now in the boxing ring getting punch after punch. It was the only thing he actually felt.
“Ha! And the army let you defend our country.” Murphy hit him again and again but Bellamy wasn't putting up a fight. They had both fought on the battlefield together and when he heard Bell was back he immediately called him up to work out.
“Enough!” The trainer insisted as Bellamy took another blow to the stomach. “He isn't even fighting.”
He was right. Bellamy wasn't fighting he wanted to be hit. Every punch and kick made him ache and that's all he wanted.
After Murphy gave him a rough beating and the trainer calling the fight off Bellamy headed towards the alley where it was fairly late in the night. Lucky for him, the people were waiting there.
“Money first.” Bellamy pulled the bulk of money out handing it to the guy with his arm stretched out.
“Make it worth my while.”
Nodding two men came up on the side and grabbed each of Bellamy's arms. The guy who held the money shoved it in his pocket and immediately gave the man a right hook. He repeated this until Bellamy's nose was bleeding excessively.
“Come on! Is that all you got?” Bellamy spat the blood in his mouth towards the guy.
One of the guys hit him behind the knee causing Bellamy to fall but the two holding him lifted him back up as he took a kick to the stomach. It went on for thirty minutes until Bellamy was puking call it his final point.
Throwing him to the ground the men left Bellamy choking on his own blood. He felt his ribs ached, his stomach sore, his head pounding, and pain almost anywhere he could imagine.
Finally he felt so alive.
-------
There were three hundred and sixty five days in a year and somehow this felt like a long nightmare that isn't ending anytime soon. She needed more Advil. She could feel the pain in her head ready to burst. It was like a sumo wrestler was sitting on her head. Trying to read the paper she had to blink a few times to unscramble the words. What was she doing here again? God all she wanted was her warm bed that she knew would never leave her. So soft and cuddly it was like she was in the clouds when it's just her bed and her.
Looking up she noticed the man in front of her. She then had to hold in her gasp as she noticed there was two of them. They merged back into one as she blinked the second time. Thank God there was only one she wasn't sure if she could handle two of the bald man.
“What do you think?” She heard the voice from the table. Definitely food, she was now thinking of food. Was there any chance she could some guacamole? There was a weird craving for that maybe it could solve her headache too.
“Ms.Woods.” Her head shot up to the direction of the voice. She let out a mmh acknowledging the person talking. Truth was she had no idea who was talking to her and she was actually looking the wrong way.
“I'm over here.” She turned and there was a woman sitting there with a paper reached out. Lexa grabbed the paper and had to move it away from her face to read it. Was it a menu? Now she had to move in closer to check. Oh a pie chart. Wow could she use some pie right now. Maybe apple pie would be best. She heard of this place on Long Island that sold some darn good pies.
“I want pie.” Lexa hummed.
Anya looked mortified as Lexa searched around the room confused and in questioning. The board in the conference room did not look to pleased with Lexa right now.
“I don't think Lexa is feeling to great right now. Why don't we reconvene on Monday? It's been a long day for us all.” Everyone in the room agreed grabbing their stuff and leaving. Lexa took it as her cue to bolt heading into her office.
“Those people just drag on and on and on Anya. I'm too young for this stress this job puts me in.” Lexa reached her desk with Anya following on her tail. Opening the draw she pulled a glass cup and her favorite bottle out.
“Oh my god Anya! I am so completely rude. This is my friend Jameson. I call him James for short.” Lexa opened the bottle and poured herself another drink. It was empty so she reach down to her bottom draw where the twin lied.
“Oh do you want some? How rude of me not to ask.” Lexa spoke when she realized Anya was still at the door angry.
Anya quickly closed the door before anyone caught the act. “How drunk are you!” She gaped in disbelief as the woman opened the bottle.
“I'm not drunk.” Lexa spat offended that she would even call her that. Before she could take another sip Anya snatched the cup from her. “Go home Lexa. Please.”
“Finally. I’m free!” Lexa took the bottle with her snuggling it close as she left the room with her only friend.
Shocked, Anya watched her sister somehow embarrass herself and almost ruin something it took years to build. Never had she seen the woman so reckless but here Lexa was, unrecognizable to her.
------
I got all these, brand new addictions
I'm bound to,
I'm bound to
Anything that, stops me from thinking about you
She was so close to getting the wire into the hole. All she had to do was steady her hand and slip it in which she could do in her sleep. As she began to move her hand a shooting pain shot up her leg causing her to jerk, break the wire, and miss the hole. It was the fourth time she had failed the simple task.
Annoyed she pushed all the materials away from her. Thinking of all the possibilities that were screwing her over, her thoughts always led her back to her leg. There was always pain in her legs. Her doctor told her to take the medicine when she was in pain. Pills were something that just made Raven feel so sick but she would do anything to get rid of her pain. Picking up her medicine she popped two pills in waiting for the painkillers to actually do their jobs for once so she wouldn’t have to think about her leg.
“Raven you aren't supposed to be here.” She turned to find her boss who was walking over to help her with the mess. “I can do it myself.”
“You're hurt. I got it.” That's what everyone had been telling her since the accident. It was as if her legs made everyone suddenly believe she was incapable to do anything. Jaha was very easy going but after her accident he's been up her ass about her health. She use to come in here sick as a dog and still work. Now she can barely walk in here without being told to get out.
“Sorry it's boring at home.”
“Well go be bored somewhere else you aren't cleared here.” Groaning the woman reluctantly got up and gathered all her things. Her boss was being a dick but she knew he would call her soon asking for her opinion. He knew she was the smartest person they had.
As she stepped onto the sidewalk Raven steadied herself as she could feel herself unbalanced. After leveling off she began to walk now having finally gotten rid of her crutches. To move she had to drag her left leg along causing her to take up more of the sidewalk than she would like. However once she had gotten some rhythm it wasn’t as bad as she imagined. She watched now as people moved visibly faster than her. In New York City no one had time for slow walkers everyone needed to be somewhere. However that's what Raven's mistake was. She wasn't moving fast nor did she have any end destination.
As if on cue a man from behind walked into her pushing her off balance. He continued walking as if he hadn't nudged her. The push had caused her to fall to the floor.
“Fuck.” The worst part of all this was actually getting off the ground. It wasn't the first time she had fallen but almost every time someone was there to help her.
That was one of the many reasons she left for work. It wasn't always because she was bored but because no one left her alone. Octavia and Clarke had made sure that Raven was never alone and always had help. She appreciated it but the help became suffocating as there was never any time to herself.
As she struggled up she held onto the pole shifting her body weight and using her upper body to pull herself up. It didn't come as a surprise to her that no one helped her. In New York, it wasn't that people were trying to be rude but cautious of themselves. On her first week here she helped a man to stand up. He ended up grabbing her purse and running. So it wasn’t uncommon and she didn't blame anyone as she would have done the same thing.
Finally standing up she needed somewhere to rest feeling as if she had just ran a marathon. Lucky for her she fell near a pub so she took a seat at the bar struggling a few times to hop onto the tall stool.
“What can I got you doll?” The man behind the bar smirked cleaning his hand on the towel.
“I'll take a Heineken on draft.” Within minutes she finished her first one and moved on fairly quickly as her mind wandered off to the music playing. Occasionally she would feel her leg ache again so she took another pill just to take the pain away until she got home.
“You shouldn't be here.”
“What the fuck happened to you? Did the mafia finally get you.” Raven turned towards Bellamy who hopped on the chair next to her. His shirt was covered in blood and his face was scared everywhere as there was a poor attempt to clean it up.
“If they did I would be dead.” Raven pointed her drink acknowledging the true point.
Raven had to admit it was weird to see him there as she never pictured him as the fun type kind of guy. She really did not know him but when first meeting him he came off as an extreme dick. Since he left for the military they really had not gotten to know each other. There wasn't any motivation on either part to make that effort though. The other one was there and that was that.
“So you going to make me guess?”
“What does it look like? I got beat up. Thought you were some smart ass engineer.”
“And I thought you were some badass military man.” He turned towards the girl giving her a stern look unhappy with the comment. Raven wasn't the kind to beat around the bush. In fact she didn't give a shit what had happened to Bellamy. She raised her glass for another one as the bartender walked over.
“Sorry hun but you're cut off.”
“What the fuck?” The waiter didn't even argue handing the girl the bill as she was almost on her eleventh drink, leaving to attend another customer. Of course it had to do with her leg. The bartender probably thinks she can't even handle her drinks and won’t be able to walk home. Every curse word came to mind as it took everything in her not to speak them. This was going to be like this for the rest of her life.
“I have an idea.” Bellamy mentioned as he noticed the look in Raven's eye as she was cut off. Giving him a wary look she reluctantly paid the bill and followed him out of the pub. He led them down the alley where he pushed Raven against the wall.
Raven didn't respond as Bellamy pressed his puffed lips against the woman's. It took a few seconds before she could grasp what he was doing. He pulled away to answer the question in her eyes.
“You want to be treated normal.”
“I am normal.”
“Not anymore. You’re disabled, paralyzed.” He lifted the girl up against the wall forcing his lips on her. This time she didn't fight back as she let her lips work old magic. She couldn't recall the last time she was kissed. What he had said was true and it annoyed her more that out of all people he was the one to notice. No matter how much she disliked him she wanted to feel normal and he could give her that right now. He pulled away again to speak.
“And I need to feel something already.” He spoke trying to reason his actions.
“You’re okay with this?” He asked trying to confirm he wasn't stepping any boundaries.
“No, but you're all I got. Now just fuck me already.” Raven slurred as she grasped Bellamy’ s neck to bring their lips crashing together again.
-------
If I get this just right
I could lay here all night
Is it too much?
One cup,
Tryna fill up
The spaces you left in me
There should be some sort of mathematical solution to how many drinks can actually numb the pain. Looking at the glass she began to pour to just measure the right amount. When it wasn't working she decided to just pour the whole bottle in.
Laying on the floor of the room she looked up to the ceiling. Her life may have been one depressing shit hole but this ceiling was making her cringe. Why had the people who designed this building make everything so depressing. The blank beige walls were bare and lonely. It then hit her they were symbolic of her own life.
She was going to be alone forever. Yup there was no doubt in her mind that she was going to spend her last days with this bottle of…...Krug. She had to do a double check as she wasn’t sure what she was drinking today. If her memory was correct she was supposed to save it for a rainy day as her adopted father informed. It was some fancy champagne bottle that had been passed in the family for a while awaiting the right moment to be opened. Looking at the window, the sun was shining with no clouds in sight and the company was actually having a terrible day in the market. Eh, she could do worse things.
Like being alone. Ah yes she was the epitome of the old lady sitting on her front porch with hundreds of cats surrounding her. Except she hated cats and she was allergic. Maybe dogs were a better substitute. Fuck, Clarke liked dogs. Taking another swing at her Krug she then began to think about girl.
The stupid fucking blonde artist who had these fucking beautiful blue eyes and these damn alluring ample pink lips. The ass of a woman who had the fucking perfect body wrapped in silky skin that had the fucking softest touch. The way she held herself with lots of fucking pride but humble as shit. The way the bloody woman cared for her and listened to the stories of her childhood and would comfort her despite how many people would run. She would laugh at her terrible corny jokes and it was genuine. The way she so easily made her smile and making everything inside her melt. Oh, who was she kidding. Clarke was the best she was going to ever get, the woman was just perfect in her eyes.
A knock came on the door but she was too busy staring at her beige, representative of her life, dull ceiling. She missed Clarke. Every time her phone rang she would run to it in hopes Clarke had finally changed her mind, but she hadn’t. There had always been a fear in her to let herself be open with someone again. To experience intimacy not physically but spiritually was a power beyond anyone. Losing Costia made her sick to her stomach. Not a day went by where she didn’t think of the woman and how brutally she was ripped away from her. All her life was spent trying to believe that life was only about surviving. Coming to America was supposed to be hopeful and when she met Costia she found that hope. However, when she was gone it was proof to her that hope was a figment of the imagination.
Clarke was filling the whole Costia left but when those three words and eight letters left her lip she somehow managed to leave a bigger whole that she spent so much time patching up. The alcohol did it’s best to fill up the space but it clearly did a shitty job as she was thinking about Clarke again. Taking another swing from the bottle she smiled delightly as her cheeks got warmer.
“Ms. Woods.” Anya opened the door with one of the board members following behind her.
Lexa turned her head to the side as she remained on the floor with her Krug never leaving her side. With everything inside her, Anya did her best to remain calm.
“Ms. Woods, what is going on?” It was too late to turn the man away as he saw Lexa curled up with her drink. He walked into the room standing just a few feet away.
“I’m trying to figure out a way to solve our economic issues.”
“With a bottle of Krug?”
“Only the finest for my mind.” The woman took another swing. As she attempted to get up she stumbled but Lincoln, who had escorted them up, was by her side to help her stand. He grabbed her arm to steady the woman who didn't fight back. Looking into her brother’s eyes she smiled a thank you and handed him the bottle. Lifting up on her tiptoes she whispered unintentionally loudly, “Take good care of her.”
Lexa turned now towards the board member as she wiped the wrinkles off her shirt.
“And why we meeting today?” Lexa slurred as she tried to act professional.
“Titus, this is a bad time. Why don't we just come back later?” Anya spoke up from behind.
“No Anya. This is the fourth time we have had to cancel because Ms.Woods cannot get her act together.” The man spoke up turning towards the assistant.
“She's been having a rough time sir I'm sorry.”
“Yeah well if she doesn't clean up her act the board will revoke her position as she cannot separate her private life from her work.”
His choice of words sent Lexa into a rage.
“I am the one who built this company. I'm the reason this company still breathes and I am more than capable of separating my feelings from my duty.” She spat as she was now in Titus’ face. “Leave and don't come back until you can appropriately address me.”
Titus left the room without another word not wanting to have to deal with the childish girl but of course still her boss. Anya and Lincoln exchanged glances unsure what had sent Lexa into this behavior.
Happily, Lexa walked to the window to enjoy the view of the city as she picked up her best friend, Krug.
-----
“Yeah!” There was a chorus of screams as everyone raised their glasses to clink with another. The Giants had scored another touchdown and everyone was excited. Raven had never been a big fan of football, not by choice but just having never seen much of it. It was clearly important to the many men surrounding her in the pub. She cheered along as she found herself enjoying screaming at the TV for no reason.
The bartender passed her another beer and began to gulp it down as if it were water and she had just spent her days thirsty in the desert. It had been almost fifteenth straight days she had been at this bar and the bartender was catching on when she wanted and what she wanted to drink. The game was now gratefully coming to an end and Raven took it as her cue to head home.
As she hopped off her stool she turned walking into a large and very intoxicated man.
“Watch where you are going crippled.” He bickered nudging her as he walked by. Disgusted Raven left knowing if she took any action she would be arrested for murder.
When she got home it was pretty late and it was clear Clarke and Octavia were sleeping. Trying to contain her laugh she did her best not to knock anything over which she failed. Papers on the table she just hit when flying everywhere. Shrugging it off she headed to her room when something hit her. She had to pee.
Rushing to the bathroom she happily sat down feeling much relief she had not known was even possible. Getting up to wash her hands she looked up in the mirror to see a woman who looked strangely familiar.
“What do you want?” The girl looking back began to laugh at her. “What's so funny?” Raven continued as she was unsure why the girl was being so mean.
“You got called a crippled today.” She responded crossing her arms.
Raven narrowed her eyes at the woman not understanding the antagonization.
“So?”
“When are you going to realize you are not going to be anything anymore Raven?”
“I still have my brain.” She reasoned.
“But you are a mechanic. You need your hands. You couldn’t even complete the simple task the other day.” Raven was about to argue with her but then she felt a pain shoot through her legs again.
“Ha see.” Rolling her eyes and determined to prove the girl wrong she picked up her painkillers and popped two more to relieve the pain. However she felt the pain again as they weren’t working. Again she popped another two growing frustrated with her body.
“Your mind will never be able to keep up with your body now.”
“Shut up.” She looked down at the sink unable to make eye contact with the girl staring back.
“You can’t even do things for yourself without Clarke or Octavia coming to your rescue.”
“Leave me alone.” Raven ran her hands through her hair slowly trying to pull it out of her scalp.
“You are alone. No one is going to ever want a cripple.” The taunting was getting to her as she felt another pain in her legs. Grabbing the painkillers she opened the bottle to realize there wasn’t anymore so she flung it across the room.
“Stop.”
“That’s what you are Raven Reyes. A messed up all alone broken crippled.” Finally the anger that had been built up inside the girl had its final straw. From Jaha not letting her work, to tripping, to the man at the bar she let it out on the girl in the mirror. She slammed her fist into the mirror creating a shatter effect of glass and blood everywhere.
“I said stop.” She screamed sending another punch.
Before she could grasp what was going on around her she felt two arms wrap around her waist pulling her away from the mirror. Raven scream trying to fight against the strong arms but she wasn’t able to. She found herself on the floor of the arms of the person kicking her leg to struggle free and wailing her arms.
“Shhhhh.” The voice whispered as one hand stroked her hair. It was a voice she could recognize anywhere, Clarke.
“She was antagonizing me.” Raven tried to explain in a cry suddenly feeling the tears on her warm cheeks. The girl in the mirror had taunted her and was making her feel terrible about herself
“There is no one here. It’s just me and you Raven.” Crumbling in the arms that held her she let the build up go. Crying in her arms all she wanted to do was not exist anymore. Everything had been taken from her. How was she going to ever be the same person she once was? The woman who used to be so resilient, intelligent, useful was now broken.
“It’s okay Raven. We are going to fight this together.” Clarke whispered holding the shaking girl in her hands.
Raven Reyes was her own worst enemy.