Take Me Home
Came to you with a broken faith
Gave me more than a hand to hold
Caught before I hit the ground
Tell me I'm safe, you've got me now
Would you take the wheel
If I lose control?
If I'm lying here
Will you take me home?
Could you take care of a broken soul?
Will you hold me now?
“We can make some lasagna.” Clarke suggested as she flipped through the channels of the TV. Nothing caught their attention as they continued making plans.
“Yeah I'll pick up the ingredients after work. Just send me the recipe.” Octavia confirmed munching on her bag of chips.
“How is work going?”
“Eh” Octavia mumbled with at least five chips in her mouth. “It could be a lot worse I'm just waiting to get my hands dirty already.”
Octavia had chosen law school after Clarke left the country. Attending Columbia Law School, she encouraged Clarke to move into the city with her which is how they ended up here.
“And how is school? I still can’t believe you were secretly getting a degree in medicine. Who does that?”
“Yeah I know I’m crazy but it's going good, midterms are around the corner.”
“Those were sons of a bitches. Glad I’m done with that shit.”
Clarke still had a hard time believing she had done the same too, however, after this year she will be able to get her degree and then go into her residency. Octavia wasn’t thrilled either with Clarke giving up art but she understood where she was coming from. If Octavia could she would be a professional athlete but she felt she could make more of a difference in law. Neither hated being a lawyer or doctor in fact they loved it but their hearts would always be attached to something else.
“Wait do you realize how badass our apartment is now? You are going to be a doctor. Raven is an engineer and I am a lawyer. We could totally take down Lexa now.”
It sent a wave a chills down Clarke’s back with the mention of her name. It was so hard not to talk to the girl. After a stressful test, getting a parking ticket, and taking care of Raven one night, all Clarke wanted to do was hear the girl’s voice having this calming affect on her. Her voice was soothing but always assertive bringing her a sense of comfort and protection. She missed Heda but she didn’t want to believe Lexa was Heda.
“I know that look in your face Clarke.” Her eyes shot up to look towards Octavia who was now skeptical.
“I don’t understand.”
“Something is bothering you. What’s going on?” Maybe she was struggling with this so much was because she had kept it so bottled up. However she was afraid if she told someone about Heda she would lose this secret bond they had. There was no doubt in her mind though that Octavia would badger her until she let it out so she finally gave in.
Clarke had told her everything from the masquerade ball to their night at the diner to Heda being Lexa. It was overwhelming for them both as Octavia tried to take everything in. Her best friend was crazy that was for sure. Octavia slapped the back of Clarke’s head creating a thud.
“Ow.” Clarke rubbed the back of her head in pain. “What was that for?”
“First of all for not telling me all of this while it was happening. Secondly for not having called her back.”
“Why would I?”
“She stopped antagonizing the business once Clarke met Heda. Obviously she genuinely cares about you. And don’t tell me you don’t like her either.”
“I don’t like Lexa.” Clarke was sure of that.
“Lexa has to be like that for business purposes Clarke. Don’t be an idiot. You out of all people know what it’s like to have to act a certain way to keep up appearances.”
“We are talking about Lexa Woods here. The one who tried to destroy me as an artist. The one who punched your brother.”
“Fine you want to talk about Lexa Woods? The one who listened to you countless hours ramble about your feelings. The one who got you talking to your mother again. The one who rightfully put my brother in his place, protecting you. The one who helped out Raven financially no matter how much she denies she didn’t need it. Because we can talk about her too.”
Clarke sighed knowing Octavia was right but the woman had betrayed her trust and that was so important to her. It felt so embarrassing to her that she had not connected the two faces sooner. There was nothing more she wanted to do but give her a chance. She couldn’t be with Heda because she didn’t know who she was and she couldn’t be with Lexa because of who she is. Now everything was all mixed up.
A ringtone went off and Clarke reached for her phone answering the unknown number.
“Hello?”
“It’s Chris. Raven is here again. I’m not sure she can get home by herself.”
“Thanks we’ll be down there to get her.”
Hanging up the phone Octavia raised an eyebrow in question. Clarke grabbed her coat and threw Octavia’s at her responding, “Raven again.”
“Ugh.” Octavia groaned as she threw her jacket over her shoulder.
Arriving at the pub the girls looked for Raven. Clarke could not remember now how many times they had to come find their roommate in a drunken state. After Clarke found Raven like that, the girl begged her to let it go and that she would get her act together. However, she wasn’t and Octavia was getting annoyed. She loved her friend to the end of time but she refused to get help and that was something she could not accept.
Octavia found the girl and quickly was by her side to catch her before she fell.
“Octaviaaaaaa.” Raven cheered wrapping one arm around her neck. “You’re my hero.” Clarke was now on the other side of the girl helping to hold her up. The girls led her out of the bar and made their way back to the apartment.
“I have two legs. I can do this myself.” Raven groaned. The girls learned to ignore Raven’s rambling as she was clearly incohesive. “I’m not weak. I can totally go wherever I want when I want. Like Florida. Fuck it if I want to walk to Florida I will.”
Finally arriving to their apartment they laid her gently on the couch. Clarke began to take off the girl’s shoes who was now rambling about how she could make an explosive with her eyes closed. She then requested for her pain killers as her leg began to ache.
“Enough!” Clarke and Raven turned their head toward Octavia as they watched her run her hands through her hair pacing back and forth. “I have had it up to here with you Raven!” The girl made her way towards the drunk now quiet girl as Clarke squatted by her side.
“You come home drunk every night and the nights you don’t come home we have to go searching for you to make sure you are not lying in some dumpster.”
“That was one time.” Raven argued but Octavia wasn’t finished.
“You got into an accident Raven, we know. We told you we were going to be by your side,” Octavia picked up the pill bottle and put it in Raven’s face. “But you have a problem.” Flinging it across the apartment they all watched it scatter everywhere. Raven quickly stood up but Octavia pushed her back down.
“You need help Raven and if you don’t get it now then get out of this apartment.” Clarke stood quiet the entire time unsure how to respond to Octavia’s commotion. Standing up she then began to lead the girl away as she knew how temperamental she could get.
“You don’t understand!” Raven stood up now screaming back.
“Then tell us Raven. Help us understand.” Octavia pleaded.
“You can’t.”
“Then get out.” Octavia spat.
“I’m fucked up.”
“We are all fucked up Raven. Clarke watched her father die, I never had a father and my mother was never home. We all hurt but if you don’t tell us what’s really wrong we can’t help.”
Clarke wasn’t sure if it was Octavia’s screaming or the walls finally being built too high but Raven broken down as she fell to her knees.
“I’m a broken soul. I can’t do my job without being in pain. I can’t smile without hurting and feeling empty inside. I’m a cripple now. My body was everything to me and now I feel like it’s all gone. I literally lost a part of myself and I don’t know how to move on without it. Half the times I struggle to even wake up in the mornings. Like what’s the point of all this. What’s the point of life?”
Tears had swelled up in all the girls as Raven confessed what she had been feeling. Her jokes and her drinks kept her out of her own emotions and it was all coming crashing down as Raven too now realized how she was truly feeling.
Clarke and Octavia were now kneeling with her holding her close to them.
“I’m sorry I lost so much control.” Raven whispered now embarrassed for her actions.
“We are going to help you steer this back on track Reyes.” Octavia stated, feeling better now the woman was being more honest.
“It’s time you get help and that’s what we are going to do for you.” Clarke confirmed as Raven cried.
-----
Five voicemails she had left her. She could be dying and of course Lexa would not know as she didn’t pick up her phone. When Lexa revealed to her that she was too young for all the stress the job puts on her, she began to take some of the responsibility off the girl so she could breathe. Many times she would see Lexa as her boss and not her sister.
Things needed to be taken care of and Anya needed Lexa’s approval on a few matters. She hadn’t been in the office for a few days after the incident. Lincoln suggested she go to Miami or getaway but Lexa refused. Neither of them knew what had gotten into her and caused her to go off the rails so much. So they decided to let Lexa stay home until she was ready to clean herself up.
Having a key to the apartment Anya walked in ready to start her search for Lexa. The place was decently tidy up with the exception of a few things just lying around one that caught Anya's eye. Walking over to the coffee table she picked up the journal letting her hand run across the words. She began to read noticing Lexa's handwriting right away.
Why is that I feel so empty? When you stomach is empty you fill it with food. Well what do you fill your heart when it's empty? All my life I've been told not to love. Love was rare in my life. My parents abandoned me then I was fostered by people who believed love was weakness. I was raised to think love was something I was in capable of. After Costia I had never been so sure of it but Clarke was different. I didn’t love her but I knew I could. There was something so comforting with being with her and she didn’t want me for my money. I’ve never had time for a relationship being in the business but being Heda was the best decision I’ve made. So yeah I drink to numb the pain but if you knew what it felt like you would buy me ten bottles yourself. I’m not an addict as I have seen what one is. I just need something to fill the whole for now. I don’t know if it was Clarke that made me feel all of this but her being in my life brought this hopeful side of me and I’m not sure how I’ll find that again. I stumbled upon it now but if it’s going to leave me again what’s the point in searching? I wish I wasn’t Lexa Woods because Lexa Woods clearly wasn’t made to keep love but watch it always leave her.
Anya felt guilty not recognizing what was truly wrong with Lexa sooner. When Costia was gone she had shut down completely as there were literally no emotions emitting from the girl. However, now she acted recklessly with no care for anything. Anya had experienced a love once but he had been torn out of her life for reasons she wished to never think about again. No one understands a broken heart until you feel it and Lexa had felt it twice.
Anya continued throughout the apartment to find Lexa on the balcony sprawled out on the chair. She was clearly sleeping with a book open on her chest. Carefully she removed the book and a closer look revealed a bottle.
Lexa woke up frantically to the touch on her a but settled when she saw Anya. Her vision was still shaky but lucky for her Anya lifted her up putting one arm around her neck and leading her back to the bed.
Laying her down in bed she threw the sheets over girl. “Thank you.” Lexa mumbled in her sleepy state.
“You will find love Lexa and it won't leave you, I promise.” Lexa hadn't heard what her sister said but Anya was determined to be what she needed. She knew Lexa had it worse between all the foster children in the family. It wasn't fair for her now to have to deal with all those, she deserved better.
Lincoln always stood by her side no questions asked. It was time Anya returned her the favor for her little sister, helping to steer her life back together.
------
Lincoln was on his way home after leaving the gym. He loved working out late nights as no one was around to disturb him so he could blast his music. Working out relieved so much stress and lately that had been a huge build up. There were times he would come late to dinner with Octavia but she never argued as long as she got a glimpse of his hard earned abs. He would laugh every time as he lifted his shirt and she would dramatically sigh.
Deciding to surprise his girlfriend, he was going to show up to her job with food since she was working late. On his walk however, he began to hear someone yelling in agony. As he turned the corner he found a few guys beating someone up. His instincts kicked in and he quickly pulled the guy off him sending him a right hook. He then turned towards the other one and threw him the ground. The one he punched retaliated but Lincoln pushed him too into the dumpster and knocking his knee into his stomach.
“Leave.” He growled. The two men glanced at each other noting the look in his eyes. It was one neither wanted to mess with as they scrambled from their places and ran in the other direction. As he turned to help the person being beaten up he was suddenly pushed against the brick wall.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He barked. Looking up Lincoln noticed it was Bellamy as blood dripped from his face. He didn’t understand why he was so angry as he just helped him. It was the first time he had seen him since he went to get help. Lincoln now recalled Octavia hadn’t seen him since either and judging by his current state he knew it was best she didn’t.
“They were helping me.” He spat as the blood from his lips splattered everywhere. The realization kicked into Lincoln as to why he was getting himself beat up. There were two things that were possible as Lincoln was no stranger to these options. He either felt guilty and deserved it or he was trying to feel.
Growing up he knew love was weakness and to feel anything else he always put himself through pain so he wouldn’t have to feel it. As well his guilty conscious got the best of him once in awhile. Lexa had helped him get it back together but it took a lot on his part to fix himself. War changes a person and with stories he hears from Octavia this was not her brother.
In one swift motion he turned his body and pushed Bellamy off him so now his body was pressed against the wall. He tried to move and struggle in a fight but Lincoln was much stronger.
“Stop it!” He thrashed his head but Lincoln punched him.
“Do it again.” Bellamy cried out. Lincoln picked his body up and smashed it against the wall curling his shirt in his fist so he had control.
“Stop.” Lincoln screamed over him finally getting through to him. He stopped moving and Lincoln was now in his face so he could hear him clearly.
“You aren’t going to ever solve your issues like this Bellamy. You and I both know Octavia would disown you with your behavior now.”
At the mention of his sister name he moved again but Lincoln was far too much stronger. He knew Bellamy was not only being beaten upon but actually beating up people himself as he could see his knuckles were bruised.
“Get your act together before Octavia see’s you like this. How can you protect her if you can’t protect yourself?”
“I can defend her.”
“Not now.” Bellamy knew he was right and it aggravated him more moving his body in frustration. “Clarke would never want you like this either. Grow up Bellamy. Stop acting like a child and running away from your problems. You want to feel emotions again? You want to stop feeling guilty or sorry for yourself? Well than act like a man and participate in the real world. Maybe then you’ll be worthy of those two great woman.”
Not wanting to deal with his foolishness, Lincoln let him go. He quickly stumbled having been held up by Lincoln too long. Tough love was what Bellamy needed and it was time to get his act together.
-------
Clarke was finishing up her homework in the waiting room. They had finally managed to get Raven to a therapist and to make sure she went one of them always took her.
No, she wasn't happy about the whole thing but Octavia had put an ultimatum and Raven knew without them she'd struggle. They all relied on each other so much that they were like a machine. If one piece stopped working almost everything could fall apart.
Leaving the office they began to walk home with the nice weather they were having. Their walks were normally silent but today was different.
“Thank you Clarke.”
“For what?”
“For taking me home.” Clarke understood what Raven had meant. She was going to stick to by her side no matter what. The best thing that ever came from dating Finn was Clarke. The two had formed such a strong bond like sisters though neither had a sister by blood. Everyone has had tragedy, no one is an exception from that devil. However, their tragedy isn’t less important as the other. Raven was becoming resilient and was finding her groove again. They were all broken inside and it took each other to realize it.
As they arrived at the apartment both girls froze as the unexpected woman was sitting on the steps. Raven stepped in front of Clarke ready to defend her. Admittedly, Raven felt like a mama bear ready to defend her cub knowing she really didn’t have a chance. Clarke placed a hand on her shoulder letting her know it was okay.
“Can I talk to you alone, Clarke.” Raven looked towards her roommate who gave her a firm nod. Patting her back she helped her up the stairs and watched her leave. When Raven was gone Clarke looked back to the woman who was now standing on the sidewalk.
“What do you want Anya?”
“Can we talk?”
“Isn’t that what we are doing?” Nodding her head understanding where she was coming from she continued. “Please fix things with Lexa.”
Clarke crossed her arms and felt her body stiffen at the mention of the name. She was determined to stand her ground. “Did she send you here? I told her-”
“No she didn’t.” She quickly cut her off. “I don’t know what happened between you two but you left her heartbroken.” Anya remembered now the past few days of her sister’s recklessness and felt the anger rise in her as it was due to the woman in front of her.
“I don’t know why you left but you need to grow up Clarke Griffin. Special people in your life don’t come everyday and when you lose them you regret not cherishing all the moments. Ask your mother.” Clarke stepped closer to defend her mother. Anya was no stupid woman as she had done her research on Clarke and her family. Special people were no stranger to her and so she was going to use every piece of information she had on the girl to break her down.
“My mother cherished every moment with my father.”
“I bet if you ask her it wasn’t enough. Once it’s gone it’s gone Clarke. I don’t like you but I will do anything to protect Lexa. If you don’t fix whatever you did you will regret ever having that building of yours. I may seem angry now but I am much more angrier inside.” Anya spat. She handed Clarke a piece of paper and left leaving the girl speechless.
She wasn’t ready to fix this but Anya was right and she didn’t want to admit that. Octavia and Anya were trying so hard to slap some sense into her but there was something that held her back. A part told her maybe it was Bellamy but she knew that when she was with Heda he was the last person her mind. Clarke had to patch things up with Lexa even if it meant staying as friends.
Looking at the paper it was an address scribbled on, Lexa’s address.
-----
Lexa had woken up in her bed not remembering how she got there but damn did her head pound. There was some memory of Anya being here but that was as far as it went. Groaning she lifted herself up from the bed and headed towards the living room. It wasn’t messy but it was unusual for Lexa so she began to pick up the mess. Maybe she should take a few Advils before she did but she was suddenly determined to fix up the mess.
Carrying one too many things Lexa dropped everything in hers hands causing the glass cup to shatter on the floor and cut her hand open.
“Dammit.” Lexa knelt down to pick up the glass but jumped at the voice.
“That’s a deep cut.” Lexa stood up immediately staring at the girl in the doorway. She felt her breath hitch at the sight and Lexa couldn’t tell if she looked more stunning than she did before because she couldn’t have her. She wore black jeans with a white tee and black leather jacket. Her blonde hair curled casually down her shoulder as she held a small smile.
“It’s nice to scare you for once.” She smirked as she made her way into the apartment.
“Clarke.” It was the only thing could manage to get out of her mouth at the moment.
“Let’s take care of that wound.”
“I’m fine.”
“Don’t argue. I’m the doctor here remember?” Lexa nodded and led Clarke to the bathroom where the first aid kit was. Opening up the kit and looking for the things she needed, Lexa took a seat on the toilet cover.
Clarke began to clean the palm of her hand in silence. The blood had been pretty messy and getting a better look at it Lexa realized it was pretty deep. Lexa knew she hadn’t been the best person in this whole mess as they had both done something wrong to end them up in this situation.
She couldn’t wrap her head around all this. One day she wanted to destroy Clarke and now she wanted to protect her. She couldn’t help but be angry towards her as she had hurt her. Lexa led herself to believe that this was not just about Clarke but finding hope for herself and she hated that she had no control over it. Silence had always been her best friend however the silence now was irritating her.
“Why are you here? Thought you didn't want to see me again.”
“You're lucky you didn't cut your hand more. Could have needed stitches.”
“Clarke.” Lexa was firm in her words now. She wanted and needed the answer. Clarke sighed knowing she was avoiding the question.
“I don't know.”
“You can't waltz in here without an explanation.”
“I don't hate you Lexa. I was angry. You weren’t who I was expecting.” Clarke had finished bandaging up the hand and was now kneeling on the floor with her arms resting on her thighs.
“So what are we doing? What are we now?”
“Remember when I told you I was seeing someone?” Lexa gave a firm nod remembering the night at the diner.
“You need me to be your friend right now don't you?” Lexa finished her sentence knowing where she was going with it. Clarke gave a small nod confirming.
“I'm not ready to be with someone. I thought I was but Bellamy made me realize it wasn't.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“No, he just helped me understand that maybe I’m not ready to be with someone.”
“Can I call you?” Clarke stood up now bringing Lexa with her. Looking in her eyes she knew the broken look all too well. She was hurt and when she put herself in her shoes she understood why Lexa was so hurt. However she couldn't give her what Lexa wanted and that's what hurt the most.
Without hesitation Lexa leaned down to place a soft kiss on Clarke's cheek.
“I'll be what you need me to be.” Lexa confirmed knowing this time she had nothing to lose.