If Only
What is it about her
That's so wonderfully, impossibly familiar?
Why do I feel dizzy
In a way I've only felt but once before?
How come when she looks at me
It seems like time stops moving
It was a late night in the studio and Clarke was finishing up a pot. She decided to try some new forms of art even though her paintings were good. Expanding her horizon and pushing her boundaries only could make her better. So she started to throw and surprisingly she was good at it, having already made a bowl for her mother.
Speaking of, she had just gotten off the phone with her mother realizing how much better their relationship was getting. Truly it was all Heda’s doing having slapped some sense into the girl. Her mother was actually now in Nicaragua doing some service project and having a wonderful time. She was scheduled to come back in a few days and take up a job in Virginia. Heda had done a lot for her and she did have to thank Lexa for that. Without the masquerade ball she would not have met her muse. Raven still wanted to go after Lexa putting Plan B into effect but Clarke dropped the battle in hopes that maybe they could start over and forget the whole mess happened.
It was almost two in the morning and Clarke reluctantly was giving into sleep as she let out another yawn. Finally closing the studio she stepped outside and locked the door.
Being late at night, most of the streets were quite. Checking her clock she wondered if she could still catch the last train. Before she could make a decision an object appeared out of the shadows causing Clarke to jump a little.
“I didn't mean to scare you Clarke.”
“Well I think I'm actually starting to get used to it.” Quickly recalling all the different times someone scared the living daylights out of her as she held at her chest.
“Heda.” She finally breathe out realizing who the shadow was by her voice. Without a second thought Clarke found herself hugging the girl to greet her, probably lingering longer than she should have. Heda didn't mind though as she slowly and cautiously placed her arms around Clarke. She was taken back by the affection immediately but it was feeling she could easily become accustomed to, especially with Clarke.
As Clarke pulled away she noticed she was dressed pretty casually in dark black jeans and a white tee. However, she still had on her mask as if it were glued to her face. Clarke speculated that maybe Heda had a face disorder which is why she was so ashamed. It could have been some wicked story as Beauty and the Beast. Also partly why Clarke never pushed her to reveal herself.
“You finally came.”
“I'm sorry I took so long.” The girl pulled out the paintbrush out of her pocket. “This belongs to you.” A wide smile appeared on Clarke's face as she noticed the paintbrush on the outreach hand.
“Keep it.” Clarke curled Heda’s hand over the object. “Unless you plan to reveal to me who you are tonight then I don't want it until you do.”
Giving her a nod she understood what the paintbrush was, confirmation. Lexa looked down at their hands and immediately noticed Clarke's hand. Turning it over she saw blisters everywhere and they were bright red with cuts along her knuckles. Raising an eyebrow she unspokenly asked what happened very concerned. Lincoln was going to hear what she had to say because she was not happy.
“It's just happens when I throw. Making bowls is not as easy as it may seem. Don't worry I'm fine.” Lexa looked up now and could see Clarke's blue eyes. Her heart dropped and stomach flipped at just the sight of the woman. Without realizing what she was doing she pushed a strand of hair behind Clarke's ear as it distracted her view. It kicked in with Clarke just how close the woman and her were and she wanted to be even closer. So maybe she did forget she was kinda of seeing someone but life was short and they weren't exclusive right? She didn’t want to say what if but instead she ducked her head as she felt her cheeks burn up at Heda’s touch.
“I told you if I saw you again I wouldn't let you go.” Clarke declared.
“If only it were that easy.”
“It can be.” Clarke couldn't see what the problem was but Heda knew. Heda knew they would end up arguing why she should reveal herself.
“Can we walk?” Heda declared not wanting to discuss possibilities. Clarke nodded her head and the girls headed down the street with no destination in mind. It was actually quiet between the two of them for a few blocks. It was a comfortable silence though as each had to process that they were actually together. So many scenarios ran through their minds wondering how they would meet again. Now that they were together they just wanted to enjoy that presence while they could.
“Did you know that a planet thousands of light years away can see earth during the Roman era and not us now?” Lexa was a huge dork when it comes to facts, something Clarke was picking up on. She topped in her classes due to her eagerness to learn about the world. In fact she made it her goal to always learn something new.
“Why do you say that?” Clarke was curious now as Heda broke the silence.
“Because it's proof that time doesn't exist, that it is arbitrary. If time doesn't exist it means forever is possible for us all. And if I had to live forever I wouldn't mind spending it all with you.”
Clarke felt her heart drop and jump out of her chest. It seemed really rush to say and for a second she felt very unsure. They had not seen each other much despite sparks flying right away.However she understood what Heda was saying. She wasn't necessarily declaring her love for the woman but rather how much she genuinely loved spending time with Clarke. Time could pass forever and she wouldn't even notice when she was with Clarke, time stopped. She only understood this because she felt the same way. Time ceased to exist when she talked to Heda.
Just before Clarke could respond, Heda stopped looking towards a building. Following her line of sight Clarke noticed she was asking if she wanted to grab something at the 24 hour diner. Only nodding her head the girls walked in the direction.
The diner was completely empty leaving the girls to sit wherever they like. Clarke choose a spot and before the waiter left she quickly ordered.
“Can we get two chocolate milkshakes and two orders of scrambled eggs with bacon, toast, and homemade fries.” The woman nodded her head as Clarke handed her back the menu's she barely looked at it.
Of course Heda was going to ask her how she knew but Clarke was already one step ahead. “Call it a lucky guess.” She smiled back in response and leaned back in her chair getting a glimpse of Clarke in the light now.
Clarke was in a pair of overalls with only one side actually attached to the clip. Her small white shirt revealed some of her skin on the open side. Her blonde hair fell down both sides in a curly messy fashion. Naturally Clarke's hand were all messy but Lexa laughed to herself noticing there was actually no paint on her face. For the first time her face was actually clean but she had to admit she missed the paint. It was Clarke's heart weakening blue eyes that Lexa felt her breath hitch. There was nothing more she wanted to do than tell the woman how beautiful she was but that was off the table. There was so much she wanted to tell her and she wouldn't even have to say half of it if Clarke looked. However Lexa knew why she didn't as Clarke confirmed that even more now.
“Heda, I have to tell you something. I'm seeing someone.”
“I know.” Clarke of course was going to question it but Heda responded, “Call it a lucky guess.”
Clarke let out a small giggle as Heda had used her own words against her.
“I'll be whatever you need me to be. Right now you need a friend.”
“I have two best friends.” Clarke stated immediately referencing Octavia and Raven.
“And now you have three.” Her response was not something she had expected but somehow it was the most reassuring words she ever heard. It caught Clarke off guard and in that moment she had never been so amazed with a human being before. Heda had put Clarke and her emotions first. What fascinated her more was the change of topic, not choosing to even discuss what they were as Heda was completely satisfied with what Clarke wanted.
“Did I tell you about that time my sister hung by her feet from a rope on a tree?”
Clarke took a sip of her arrived milkshake completely ready to hear her stories.
“Oh my gosh no, how did that even happen?”
The night had gone so smoothly between the two women but they knew it was coming to an end. Their tummies were pretty full by now especially when Clarke shoved her spoon of eggs into Heda's mouth. Logically Clarke felt they could not go to waste and Heda was the only person she could feed her food to. Clarke continuously persisted and so Lexa caved in as she could not say no to Clarke.
Clarke knew their night was winding down and she didn't want to lose contact with the woman again. So she grabbed the pen out of her bag sparked with an idea.
Taking Heda's arm she quickly scribbled something on it. Looking down Heda read it and smiled knowing exactly what it was.
“Your phone number.”
“So we don't have to meet in the dead of night just to talk. We can talk whenever.” Clarke declared as she did appreciate sleep.
Lexa knew she was going to hold on it just as much as she held onto that paintbrush.
-----
“Bellamy, relax it's just Clarke.” Octavia declared as she fixed the tie he decided to wear. He wore jeans and a collar shirt that he claimed gave him a young sexy teacher look. Rarely had Octavia seen her brother nervous but he genuinely thought he was going to make a fool of himself.
She sprayed him down with cologne giving her brother the sign of approval. It was Bellamy's biggest concern not to make things awkward for Octavia and Clarke knowing how close they are. Octavia quickly declared to disown her brother if he ever hurt Clarke since she was her wing woman.
“We need to talk about this Lincoln person.”
“He's a good guy.”
“He's changed you.”
“And war changed you.” She didn't fail to see the new Bellamy who was constantly on edge. As he noticed his sister more determined and soughtful. Though neither of these were bad they were different Blake's starting to become unrecognizable to the other. There were five minutes left until he had to meet Clarke. So he quickly gave his sister a peck on the cheek and moved on from the topic, hoping to address it later.
Heda: you are going to be late.
Clarke: Okay okay! So the blue or red top?
Heda: I like the blue.
Clarke: Thanks, I’ll do the red! After we finish I’ll call you. Will you be awake?
Heda: You suck and if you need me to I will.
Clarke: you're the best!
Clarke shut her phone quickly putting on the red top and her sneakers on. It was their third date and Bellamy was on the steps of her apartment.
“Ready Princess?” Giving him a firm nod she placed her arm under his. He led them down the block as they both decided to walk to the mini golf course.
“You have probably lost all skill Bell. I have been practicing and I am pretty sure I am beast.” Clarke declared her skill level was one of mastery.
“Ha I laugh at your overwhelming confidence.”
“Just because you are in the military doesn’t make you the best at everything.”
“I think it does.”
The place was not too far but the wind was becoming unbearable as Clarke felt herself getting colder. She walked closer to Bell in hopes she could stay warm. Now she was wondering why she listened to Heda, who told her she wouldn’t need a heavy jacket.
Though they had not made anything official they both felt it was pretty unspoken they were exclusive. It felt like old times when she was with Bell. With him being away she forgot how much fun they used to have together. The only thing that was different now was he was allowed to kiss her. There really wasn’t any harm in dating each other. In fact they both decided that whatever happens they would always remain friends especially for Octavia’s sake.
They were just around the corner when Clarke stopped in her tracks. She spotted Lexa walking down the street. She wanted to quickly turn around but Lexa had caught sight of her and was making her way towards them. There was someone following her but it was clear it was her bodyguard keeping a distance.
“Fuck.”
“What happen?”
“That’s Lexa, the girl I was telling you about who tried to take my business.” Bellamy made an o shape with his mouth understanding now why she stopped. Lexa nodded as she approached the two.
“Hello Ms.Griffin.”
“Clarke.” She hated being referred as Ms.Griffin and Lexa knew as she has clearly stated she wanted to be called Clarke. “This is Bellamy.”
“Hi.” Bellamy reached his hand out but Lexa didn’t even acknowledge it looking back towards Clarke. Heda couldn’t be a bitch to Bellamy but Lexa totally could and she was going to take full advantage of that.
“Did you enjoy the masquerade ball?”
“I surprisingly did have a wonderful time. Thank you for that.” Lexa had to squash her smile as she knew she was referencing Heda.
“I hope we can put our differences aside. I apologize for my behavior.” If there was any way Clarke was going to get to know who Heda was, Lexa had to be on her good side. Clarke could not respond as she was interrupted by a fire alarm sound that was clearly a phone ringing. It was evidently Lexa’s as she opened her purse. As she rummaged through her bag she finally got a hold of her phone that she began to pull it out.
Before the phone was fully emerged Bellamy let go of Clarke’s hand to lunge at her tackling her to the ground. Clarke let out a loud shriek as her head banged against the concrete sidewalk as Lexa’s bodyguard came running over.
However, Lexa was quicker to react as she tackled Bellamy off of Clarke. Lexa raised her right hand and punched him multiple times to weaken his fight against her. When he was slow to react she took advantage to turn him on his stomach. Sitting over him she grabbed his right hand keeping it up, twisting, and pushing it back in the air as her other hand pressed on his shoulder blade causing him to yell. He tried to move but surprisingly Lexa was stronger as he could not fight back. Using one hand she signaled her bodyguard to stay back as he made an effort to help her.
Clarke was frozen as she could not believe her eyes as she watched it all from the ground. She must have banged her head really hard as she watched Lexa effortlessly take Bellamy down. Did Lexa seriously just take a militarian down? The word suddenly registered in her head as to why now Bellamy attacked her.
“Got off him!” Clarke declared as she tried to stand up with her head being slightly dizzy. Stumbling as she got up Lexa again quickly reached for her to keep her balance. Still annoyed with Lexa she moved her hand out of the strong grip Lexa had on her forearm. Lexa moved giving her space but just enough where she make sure Clarke would not fall again. As well she did not say another word as she watched Clarke interact with him.
“Bellamy?” She tried helping him up to his feet as she watched his eyes dart back and forth in confusion. “It’s me Clarke. It’s okay you aren’t at war anymore. You are here with me.” She raised one hand to his face to cup his cheek.
Her hands could feel his shaking as he tried to process what was going on. It was those words that kicked in with Lexa too as to why he was acting like this. It was Clarke’s fear when he left for the military having heard so many tragic stories but she hopped it would never happen.
Bellamy was experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. The alarm must have sent some sort of trigger when he tackled Clarke. When he finally looked into Clarke’s eyes it clicked that he wasn’t at war he was with her. His breath became steady and his eyes became fixated on the woman in front of him.
“I’m so sorry.” He looked down in embarrassment keeping silence around all of them.
“Clarke, you are bleeding.” Lexa stood behind breaking two away from the other. If anyone asked she wouldn’t admit to it but she felt the jealousy rise in her. Anger shook in her as the man had just hurt her and she was giving him the attention.
Looking down, Clarke saw some blood coming down from her elbow as she must have scrapped it. It didn’t hurt at all but she turned towards Lexa now feeling a little guilty.
“I am sorry about this.”
“Are you okay.”
“Yeah I am fine.”
“That’s all that matters.” It hurt Lexa to play this double role but she couldn’t hide her care for Clarke.
Of course Clarke and Bellamy felt it was best to return home after they said goodbye to Lexa, who as one can suspect did not apologize for punching Bellamy as she quite enjoyed it. Clarke explained everything that happened that night to Octavia. The girls got on the phone together and called a few therapist. They were concerned for Bellamy’s health and did not want to put anyone in danger.
The night had been a long one as it was really late and Clarke wanted to just forget about it in all honesty. She wasn’t sure if it was best to date Bellamy right now. He needed to take care of himself before someone else gets hurt. Who knows what could have happened if Lexa wasn’t there. If Clarke was being honest with herself she knows it was not just tonight’s events. Her heart wasn’t in it as she continually talked to Heda every day since they last saw each other. There was something special about the woman and it wasn’t something she could ignore.
Looking at her phone, all she wanted to do was hear her voice and so she called her despite the time.
“I thought I wouldn’t hear from you tonight.”
“Is it too late?”
“No, not at all. I always have time for you.” Lexa had actually been waiting all night by her phone for Clarke’s call. She wasn’t sure she would call but she needed reassurance that she was okay, having witnessed tonight’s events.
“Okay, good it’s been a long day and I just needed to hear your voice. You always know the right thing to say.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Honestly, not really.”
“Good, because you still owe me one.” Clarke and Heda have been playing truth or dare, mostly truth. However Clarke owed Heda a secret after hanging up the last time they talked. She laughed recalling the dare she failed.
“So you won’t let it go will you?”
“I expect things to be up hold when they are told to.” Clarke laughed knowing she really would not let it go.
“Okay fine but not even Raven or Octavia know about this.”
“This has to be good then.”
“I am a sort of a doctor.”
Lexa literally choked on the other line at the confession. She couldn’t be serious.
“No way, you are lying.”
“I’m so serious.” Clarke whined as she heard her laugh on the other line.
“But you are an artist.”
“Yeah well during grad school I got my bachelors in chemistry and then went on to Med school. I went abroad as everyone thought I was traveling the world but I secretly went to school. I passed all my test, I have a few more credits to be done though. ”
“Why did you do it?”
“Because I was always fascinated by saving lives. I wanted to be able to help people.”
“So why are you an artist now?” Lexa could not wrap her head around the confession and slightly finding it humorous considering how different the two fields are.
“After losing my father, I somehow felt keeping my artistry skills alive kept him alive. Don’t get me wrong I love art and don’t regret my decision at all. I just kept medcine on the back burner incase I ever changed my mind.”
“You are so young though. Aren’t you?”
“Yeah but I graduated high school early.”
“So should I address you as Dr.Griffin now?”
“Only you.”
They talked for another hour when Clarke finally declared she needed sleep feeling as if a lifetime has passed with the night’s events.
----
I guess you never will
I guess it doesn't show
But if I never find a way to tell you so
Oh, what I would give
If only you could know
“Bellamy will be fine.”
“I know Clarke, it’s just he’s my brother and I don’t even recognize him anymore. Also it says three eggs.”
Raven’s birthday was in a month but they wanted to surprise the girl for once in her life as she was always so on top of everything. Till this day no one has surprised her so they figured if they celebrate it early they would catch her off guard. Making the cake from scratch was Octavia’s brilliant idea and they were already a mess having a flour fight twenty minutes earlier.
“The hospital is taking good care of him.” They all felt it was best if a treatment facility helped him as they could do nothing about it.
“His heart is broken you know.”
“I’m sorry Octavia but I had to.”
“I know I understand.” Clarke felt it was best for Bellamy to get himself back before throwing them into a relationship. She was going to be there for him anytime he needed but she was scared too. He had hurt her, unintentionally, but she was still completely defenseless and so they all knew what had to be done.
“Anyway how is the boyf.”
“Oh my god Clarke, he is amazing. He took me to Long Island last week and we ate dinner on the beach and watched the sunset.” Clarke broke the eggs into the bowl listening to the love bird.
“He sounds like a romantic sap.”
“Boys like that are hard to find these days.”
“And how did that first fight go?”
“Lincoln still supports Lexa’s actions but what can I say or do. He will stand by her side no matter what.” Octavia sighed as she placed the butter into the mix. Just as much as Clarke, she hated Lexa and she wished he didn’t work for that ass. It bother her that he stood by her unconditionally without explaining why. There was something more between the two and Octavia assumed it was because Lexa was holding a deep dark secret he must have. She was determined to find it.
Clarke had grown fawn over Lincoln as he continuously proven to be worthy of her best friend. They had their first fight when Lincoln choose to side with Lexa on the whole Bellamy incident. Clarke had to admit that Lexa had done the right thing but she didn’t want to believe that the woman might actually have a soul. She was still surprised she had whipped his ass. Bellamy woke up the next day sore with a black eye and bruised lip. He refused to press charges even though Octavia really wanted him to. Bellamy claimed he deserved it and Clarke really didn’t want to have to deal with some law case. In fact she did owe Lexa a thank you but that meant actually seeing the woman.
“Oh this is my song!” Octavia screamed as Clarke turned up the volume.
“You don't gotta go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work! But you gotta put in work, work, work, work, work” Both girls sang in unison as they tried to twerk to Fifth Harmony’s song. Clarke may not have been the best dancer but Octavia was getting down as she let her booty do a few drops blowing Clarke out of the water. Clarke threw the dish towel at her as she knew she lost the dance battle.
“That’s not fair you actually have an ass!”
“Don’t be jealous!” Octavia yelled over as she shook her butt in Clarkes’s face.
The girls were interrupted by Clarke’s ringtone. Jumping to her phone she noticed the caller ID was unknown. Shrugging her shoulders, she signaled for Octavia to lower the music as she answered.
“Hello?”
“Is this Clarke Griffin?”
“Yes, who is speaking?”
“Hi my name is Samantha and I am a nurse for New York Presbyterian Hospital. You’re friend Raven was in a car accident this afternoon. She has you listed as an emergency contact.”
“Oh my god is she okay?” Octavia walked closer, getting quieter as she could see the seriousness on Clarke’s face.
“She is in surgery right now, I have no further updates.”
“I’ll be right there. Thank you.” Clarke hung up on the woman looking towards Octavia.
“What happen?”
“Raven was in an accident.”
Both girls rushed to the hospital as the paced the halls of the waiting room. There had been no other news since their arrival. It made the two woman crazy. Clarke had already contacted her mother, who was now already on her way. It was the only person they had trusted and if anything was wrong she knew her mother would be able to help.
The cops arrived while Raven was still in surgery.
“Bystanders said it was a hit and run.”
“Did they find them?” Clarke questioned as he explained to them how the accident had happened. Raven had the right of way but the driver drove right through the red light hitting her and another man in the process.
“No we have not.”
“Well then do your job and get out there and find them!” Octavia spoke up with anger in her voice, completely not understand the incompetence of the police officers. The man committed a crime and he was here not doing anything.
The doctor finally walked through the doors announcing the surgery was over. They rushed to his side awaiting hopeful news.
“We had a few complications but what matters right now is that she is alive.” Clarke felt her heart dropped at the sudden relief of words. He lead them towards the room where they could see her as Clarke got a message from Heda.
Heda: Hey can we talk?
Clarke: I can’t now. I’m in the hospital with Raven. I’ll call you later.
Clarke and Octavia walked into the room where Raven was lying all hooked up to different monitors and machines. For a girl who was always so strong she seemed so vulnerable and helpless that Clarke had to blink a few times to make sure it was Raven.
Octavia wanted to cry feeling so much pain for the woman on the bed. It was taking everything in her not to go find the man who did this and whip his ass. It made her wonder too how the other pedestrian was doing. She could not believe people could be so heartless to leave two people on the street like that.
Raven’s head a huge gash that came from her hair to trickle down her forehead. Examining the rest of her body there were no other marks she could see on the outside. The doctor had said the major issue was her spine as some of the glass that shattered was stuck in her back.
“She looks so peaceful.” Octavia brushed the girl’s hair out of her face admiring how beautiful her friend really was. Out of all the people it happened to, Raven was the last person who deserved this. Her family was gone, she had been on her own since she was a teenager and her heart had been broken one too many times. She just wished everything would turn out for the better as she was almost positive Raven was going to bounce back from this like nothing.
Octavia suddenly screamed and jumped back as Raven’s eyes shot open and yelled boo.
“You fucking asshole!” A laughing Clarke had caught Octavia who was now furious with a racing heart.
“I’m not dead geez, you are all so morbid.”
“Can't you be serious for once you are hurt!”
“Now where is the fun in thaaaat.” Raven drawn out and that's when they both knew how much medication she was on. Clarke felt content though knowing Raven hadn't lost her sense of humor.
A few hours passed and Raven finally fell asleep as the medication wore off. Octavia too was now napping and Clarke sat watching over her friends though she had to admit she was in and out of sleep. It had been an exhausting few hours and she just wanted to curl up in bed right now.
“Clarke.” A light voice jolted her up as she turned to see who was standing at there.
Heda.
Clarke took a second to process why she was even here. A small smile crept on her face when her eyes opened. Realizing where she was she quickly got up ushering her out the door not wanting her friends to see her as she still had not told them about her.
“What are you doing here?” Clarke scanned the woman now in the light. Her masked still attached she wore a business outfit as she seemed to have just rushed out of work.
“I thought you were in the hospital.”
“I am.”
“I thought you were the one actually sick. I got worried.” She smiled knowing the genuine concern on her face. Heda never failed to amaze her as she had clearly dropped everything she was doing for Clarke. However, she couldn't help but wonder how she even knew she was at this hospital. As if she read her mind Heda responded,
“Call it lucky guess.” Truth was though she had called every hospital in New York looking for a Clarke Griffin or Raven Reyes. It was definitely not a lucky guess.
Clarke once again pulled Heda into a hug and this time she easily wrapped her arms around the girl melting into it. The blonde hair ruffled in her face left a lingering smell in Lexa's nose as the warmth of her body made her feel as if she was wrapped up in a fleece blanket sitting by the fireplace. Clarke's hugs felt just right and being there with her was just right.
Knowing she lingered longer than she should have Clarke pulled away and looked into those green eyes. They were eyes she could never forget as they were embedded in her head. She could walk miles in them getting lost in all the adventures they hold.
Clearing her throat and silence Heda spoke, “I should get going. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” She handed her the sunflowers she had gotten her.
“Calla lilies are my favorite.” Clarke confessed as she took in the smell of the other flower.
Clarke smiled placing her hand on the girls tricep and giving it a squeeze. It was meant to say a silent thank you but Clarke could feel the girl's muscles and could almost feel her mouth drop at how strong the woman was. That was something she totally had to address later. Placing a soft kiss on her cheek, Clarke took a step back satisfied with her thank you she gave.
Heda began to turn around to make her way out when Clarke recalled their texts.
“What did you want to take about?”
Lexa remembered Clarke having told her the next day everything that happened with Bellamy and how she ended it. Lexa had finally worked up the courage to ask the girl out but with recent events and still having not told her who she is, it was just a sign for her not to do it.
“It was nothing important. Just wanted to hear your voice.” Lexa left with her words stuck in her throat. If only she had been nicer when they first met. If only she wasn’t after her business. If only she wasn't Lexa Woods, then she would finally have the girl.
When Raven woke up the doctor finally came in to run some test. She was sitting up as Octavia and Clarke stood by her bedside.
“Okay tell me if you feel this.” The doctor used a small needle on her right foot by brushing it against the bottom of her foot.
“Yup I feel it.”
“Wonderful. Okay and now the left foot.”
He repeated the process but no response. Raven wasn't allowed to see what he was doing as he didn't want her to influence her response. However Octavia and Clarke could see, feeling their hearts drops. He touched them again but applied more pressure. There was still no response.
He moved further up. No response. He kept going. No response. A little more. No response. He was right above the knee when Raven said, “I feel it! Why was that one so high up?”
No said a word as Octavia and Clarke towards each other not sure what to say. Raven looked between the two as the doctor removed the barrier. The realization kicked in to Raven as she desperately tried to wiggle her toe in her left leg. Staring at her legs she couldn’t understand why they weren’t moving.
Panic set in as she sat up more now to reach for her leg. She hit hoping it needed a little kick, nothing.
“Raven.” Octavia whispered but the girl hit her leg again in frustration. A few more bangs on her leg and Octavia grasped her hands to stop her from hurting herself.
“Raven, it looks like you suffered substantial nerve damage to your left leg.”
The girls looked towards Raven now who visibly took a large gulp. They both had a hand on her arms to show their support but her mind was racing with all sorts of ideas.
“I’ll give you some time.” The doctor walked out letting the girls talk about the issue.
“We are going to be here for you Raven.” Clarke spoke up taking charge of the situation.
“Yeah we’ll go with you to therapy and we will rearrange the apartment to make it easier.” Octavia echoed her sentiments.
Raven looked between the girls as a smile crept on her face. “Guys, I am going to be the next Iron Man. I can totally amp up my leg and have some sort cyborg leg. I am going to be a total badass.”
It was clear to Clarke that Raven was trying to substitute her pain and emotions through humor. She had seen the same reaction when it ended with Finn except this was a lot more severe. Was there any right way to handle this? Raven is such an active person and relies on her body so much. A part of that was just taken from her and she was cracking jokes. Octavia could not understand how calm she was. By now she probably would have hobbled over to whoever this asshole was and beat the shit out of him.
Octavia left the room to answer her ringing phone to update Bellamy on what was going on with Raven. Clarke took the moment now that she was alone with Raven to her advantage.
“I know you are going to put up some walls now but just know I am going to be here every step of the way. You aren’t going through this alone no matter how broken you feel you are.”
“It’s not going to be easy, will it?”
“No but we got this Reyes and when you do decide to let down your walls we are going to be here. I will promise you that.”
Raven could feel the water brim in her eyes. If anything Clarke was the only one who somehow always managed to feel her pain. To understand what she was going through was difficult but they both managed to understand the other’s unspoken words. They had become partner in crimes and best of friends, having Clarke by her side was what she was going to need the most. However she couldn’t deny to herself the pain she was feeling. If only she not left a little earlier. If only she took the subway instead of walking. If only she didn’t take that route. If only she wasn’t Raven Reyes right now, then she would not be paralyzed in her left leg.
The girls spent the next few hours discussing with the doctor and Abby, Clarke’s mother, about what to do next and how to approach the situation. Raven was released out of the hospital a few days later and was expected to return for physical therapy to help teach her how to move with her leg now. They gave her a brace but for the first few weeks they also had her use crutches until she felt she could move without the support.
Clarke had turned to Heda for support with the recent events. There were nights when she didn’t know what to do with herself and Heda would talk her through it. Sometimes she needed a refresher from something other than the situation that was surrounding them. Clarke is a well put together woman but everything that was built up inside of her came easily crashing down as she talked to her. Heda too in turn was relieving her emotions through Clarke. Whether it was her traumatic childhood or her annoying job, which Clarke still knew very little about, she was able to talk through it.
Heda: Is she doing better?
Clarke: Honestly I don’t know. She won’t talk about it to anyone. Anytime we try to talk she just plays it off with some sort of joke.
Heda: She’ll come around, give her time.
Clarke: Yeah and someone is always with her 24/7 to make sure she is okay. Lincoln has been a huge help surprisingly. When neither Octavia, I, nor any of our friends can be there, he is there with her.
Heda: He is a good man.
Clarke: If there ever was one good thing that came out of me meeting Lexa it would be for Octavia to have found Lincoln. That was the best thing no matter how convinced I am that Lexa set him on some sort of mission.
Heda: You have Lincoln, so focus on the positive.
Clarke: I do have to tell you something.
Heda: Don’t tell me you have finally come to your senses and you are going to declare your love for me.
Clarke: Ha funny, you wish.
Heda: It was worth the shot.
Clarke: I enrolled back to med school to finish my classes.
Heda: Why?
Clarke: I need to help Raven, and I want to help people like her
Heda: What about art? Your studio?
Clarke: I think I am just going to cave in and give it to Lexa
Heda: You are going to regret that for the rest of your life Clarke
Clarke: I have more important things to focus on.
Heda: Art is important
Clarke: Not as important as saving lives. It’s time I grow up and act like an adult
Heda: It keeps you grounded, you love it
Clarke: I love my friends more
Having thought about it for so many nights she felt it was time to give up art. She was kidding herself when she thought she could make people feel something with it. That was not was important in life. It is helping people, saving lives, making a difference in this world that is so fucked up that matters. Watching Raven struggle just to get out of bed was hard in itself. Her mother was making a difference always proud of herself and Clarke wanted to look in the mirror and get that feeling of accomplishment. With only a year left she just had to finish school then hit up a residency which she knew her mother would easily help her with. Talking to Heda about it she felt more secure about her decision despite how surprisingly unsupportive she seemed.
Raven had hobbled into the kitchen and as Clarke turned around she walked into a table knocking over a vase Clarke had made a few years ago. It came crashing down leaving it splattered everywhere.
“Fuck.” She mumbled as she attempted to reach down and pick it up. Clarke jumped off the couch to pick up the pieces.
“I got it.” She could hear a frustrated sigh come from the girl. There was annoyance in it as she wanted to do it herself but she knew couldn’t, not yet.
“I think the table moved again. We need to start chaining it down.” Clarke just smiled knowing the joke was inevitable. It was something they were all going to have to get used to no matter how much it infuriated Octavia who just wished the girl would talk about it so they can move on.
“Hey Clarke, can you do me a favor.” As she threw the pieces in the garbage she walked over the girl who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
“Whats up?”
“I haven’t gotten any medical bills and I should have by now. My insurance isn’t that great. Could you go to the hospital and check it out for me?”
“Absolutely. I’ll go now and I’ll call you.”
“Thanks.”
It was one of the very few favors Raven had asked for and Clarke immediately jumped at the opportunity to help her friend. So she made her way to the hospital jumping on the train hoping to catch human resources before they were off for the day. She had another text from Heda but she didn’t want to respond. Heda hadn’t done anything wrong, it was just starting to become a hard reminder. Clarke was leaving art and she had been inspired so much lately due to the mask girl. Talking to her was a reminder of what she was going to lose. It didn’t help that she wasn’t on board with her decision either.
Arriving at the hospital she made her way down to human resources. Upon entering the building she immediately felt sick to her stomach reminded of the last time she was here. Raven had made progress but the girl would never be the same having been broken so much. Octavia and Clarke were her only family now but sometimes Clarke wondered if that would truly be enough.
The lady at the desk held up a finger as she finished on the phone. The room was kind of bland with little color and she could only imagine how depressing it must be working here. Especially with sick people everywhere it must get sad around here.
“How can I help you?”
“Hi my name is Clarke Griffin. My friend Raven Reyes was here in the hospital not too long ago and she hasn’t received any billing information yet.”
“Okay give me a second.” The woman looked towards her computer and quickly sought out her name and the results.
“Oh everything has been paid for.”
“What? Thats impossible.”
“It says here it’s been paid ma’am.”
“By who?”
“Uh Alexandria Woods. Any other billing goes directly to her as she requested.”
“Could I get copies of everything please. Thank you.”
She could not believe what was happening. Was the woman actually serious right now? There was no doubt in her mind Raven was going to be angry but Clarke was even more mad as she made her way towards the cooperation. Ideally it sounded wonderful but what it actually does is it makes Raven feel even more incapable than she already does. Not only does Raven feel worse but it also makes Clarke in debt to her for helping her friend and not just owing a favor but actually in money debt.
Arriving at the building she was becoming way too familiar with she entered with Lincoln sitting in the front desk as usual.
“Clarke it’s nice to see you.” Lincoln smiled but it quickly vanished as Clarke waved her hand and then jumped the turnstile running towards the elevator.
“Clarke you can’t do that!” He chased after her but getting out of his desk took him longer allowing Clarke to close the elevator door. Normally using the pass she was given earlier would have been ideal but the card had been revoked after her last abrupt entrance.
Arriving at the top floor she stormed into Lexa’s office all too familiar with the scenario as anger fueled her motivation. Swinging the door open she saw Lexa facing the glass windows in her office.
“What’s the point of having a security guard if they can’t even keep people out.” Lexa stated with her back still turned.
“Why do you keep antagonizing me. First we make a truce then you lie, then you try to make nice invite me to a masquerade ball then you beat my friend up and now this. I don’t understand Lexa what are you trying to do here.”
“Define this.”
“Don’t play stupid you know exactly what you did.” Clarke moved closer to the desk continuing, “You shouldn’t have paid the bills.”
“Most people would say thank you.” Lexa turned towards Clarke now with the same unmoving face that she always had. In all honesty Lexa did want to help hoping it could make things better for them but clearly it only infuriated her for reasons unknown to her.
“I am not most people! Paying her bills meant you-” Suddenly Clarke lost her words and train of thought as her eyes caught the object on the table. All the papers in her hand fell to the floor as realization had hit her. Lexa confused followed her line of sight to the desk and immediately felt her stomach clench noticing what Clarke had.
“Clarke.” Lexa began to move from behind the desk. However Clarke was walking backwards now having the phone in her hand and dialing the number. She shook her head in disbelief praying her assumption was wrong. On cue the phone on Lexa’s desk began to rang.
Clarke’s mouth gaped open as Lexa froze in her spot with any words she had to say stuck. With everything inside her Lexa tried so hard to say anything but anytime she tried to open her mouth nothing would follow.
Clarke’s eyes trailed back to the object on the desk. It was something she could not have mistaken belonged to her. It was her paintbrush. It was her first paintbrush. It was the paintbrush her father had given her. It was the paintbrush she had given Heda. It was the paintbrush that symbolized a possible future with her muse. It was now the paintbrush on Lexa’s desk.
Instantly Clarke called Heda’s phone in hopes that this was all mistake but when that phone on the desk rang on cue everything in Clarke suddenly crumbled. The woman who gave her so much hope, inspired her, made herself feel more confident was the same woman who tried to steal her business, tried to ruin Clarke as an artist, and beat up her friend. How had she not noticed sooner?
“Clarke.”
“This was part of your devious plan wasn’t it? You wanted to get to know me so you can take me down for good and break my heart while you were at it.” The words came trembling out shaky and confused.
Lexa stepped forward but Clarke took a step back.
“That was never my intention at first-”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I don’t ever want to see your face again. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t find me. NOTHING!” Clarke screamed with a shaky voice mixed with anger and heartache. “I hate you Lexa Woods.” Clarke spat as she felt her first tear fall quickly wiping it away with her hand. Looking into the green eyes she kept a sturdy face as the green eyes of Lexa’s matched the dark forest that was Heda’s. She broke in more tears as turned to leave feeling disappointment shaking in her.
Lexa stood frozen in her office trying to understand everything that had happened so quickly. Clarke felt her heart break but in that moment Lexa felt her entire being crack losing someone she was beginning to care for so much. Lexa had once again lost something else now being convinced love was weakness. If she didn’t care for Clarke it would not hurt this bad. It was not supposed to feel like this when Clarke found out. How ironic was it now as the Lexa heard the woman she was falling for spit out the words. Three words and eight letters Lexa wanted to say were the ones Clarke had chosen first but not the ones she hoped.
Lexa turned towards her desk and in outrage swung her arms across the desk to clear it all off. A loud scream came out of the woman’s voice having kept in so much emotion for entire life. Life had finally brought her hope, a chance for her to be happy and now it was gone with a snap of a finger.
If only Lincoln did his job and kept her from coming up stairs. If only she had put the paintbrush away. If only she had said something when Clarke was here. If only she wasn’t Alexandria Woods then maybe she would be happy for once.