The Verdict
”You can’t handle the truth!” I shouted distorting my face angrily. Carol popped her head out of the bathroom. ”Is everything alright, dearest?” she sounded genuinely concerned. ”Yeah, sure, I was just practising for the court,” I explained. ”Darling, this is not going to be like in the movies and you’re no Jack Nicholson…” I had no idea what Carol meant since I thought my Few Good Men imitation had gone pretty well.
”It’s not that kind of a trial. There is no jury, just us and the judge who will make the final decision on his own.” Carol returned to what she was doing, putting on her Mother of the Year outfit and finishing her appropriately understated make-up. We both knew we had lost the game already and I felt especially bad for Carol. Losing Rindy was weighing heavily on her fabulously freckled shoulders. I could tell for we had gone three hours and 27 minutes without sex. Not that I was paying that close attention to it… well, more like three hours and 28 minutes now.
We’d gotten back the previous night and talked things over with Abby and Genevieve. Both were in oddly high spirits cackling at some inside jokes they had come up with while we’d been away. I suppose it was a good thing since Cantrell didn’t really have that many friends. I was her friend and as far as I knew I was her only friend as well. There was something refreshing in the way they seemed to enjoy each other’s company, even Carol commented on it later. At least one good thing came out this mess, we both agreed.
Nothing particularly thought provoking had happened during our absence, they assured. Some positively shady characters had been lurking around the house but other than that nothing worth mentioning. One of them must have stumbled on the buried memory stick, I thought gloomily. Carol should have mined the bloody lawn. She had thought about it, Carol told me but it wouldn’t have been fair to Rindy, she had concluded.
I suppose she had a point. I wouldn’t have minded seeing the housekeeper blown to smithereens, though. I never liked Florence, she’s creepy to say the least, always following in our footsteps like Mrs. Danvers in Hitchcock’s Rebecca. I shouldn’t be putting down Mrs Danvers, though, she always gets a bad rap. After all, she is a rare lesbian character in the golden age of Hollywood cinema. But you could always spot those in the narrative margins – twisted and menacing crackpots. I wonder if Norman Bates’ mother was also a lesbian?
My mind drifting once again, I became aware of Carol staring at me disapprovingly. ”What?” I asked alarmed. ”Oh nothing… it’s just… never mind,” she scoffed and ushered me out of the house when the clock struck 3:45 PB (post bang o’ rama). I felt miserable but obviously there was nothing I could do about it right this minute. ”Yes, I know it’s been long, darling, but I’m sure you can do without another two hours or so…” Carol said reading my thoughts again. Another two hours or so!?! I wish I could say there was a knot in my stomach but I’m afraid it was located lower than that.
We drove over to the courthouse and parked the car near the rear entrance. Carol didn’t utter another word when we stepped inside and she motioned me to give her a head start before following inside. We weren’t supposed to enter the chambers together, it would’ve been too conspicuous, she explained. Yeah, stepping inside together would definitely be much more incriminating than gawking at the x-rated footage with the honourable judge Harris. I refrained from saying it aloud.
Everyone was present already when I finally made my entrance. Harge was whispering to his attorney looking awfully pleased with himself. Burge and the dwarf were sitting on the second row. ”Nothing here to see”, I wanted to shout at Burge just to make him feel bad, and if the dwarf had claimed to know anything, I mean anything at all, I would’ve cut him down to size. I was a fucking Tourette bomb waiting to happen!
Carol kept glancing at me nervously and she whispered something to Abby who passed the message to Cantrell. Genevieve approached me trying to look as normal as possible which of course meant she looked so bloody conspicuous doing it, it irritated the hell out of me. She grabbed my arm and dragged me over to the water fountain.
”Listen, Belivet… I don’t know what the fuck’s gone into you but you’re acting all weird.” Scratching her head – I don’t blame her, those dreadlocks are itchy motherfuckers – she looked around before leaning in to whisper me something. ”Carol asked Abby to tell me to tell you… yeah, yeah, I figured as much… that if you pull yourself together, you’ll get your Christmas present early this year.” What the fuck was she talking about? ”I don’t know what kind of kinky shit you two are into but she told me to say these things: Snow White, Seven Vengeful Women, Naomi Watts on speed dial…”
Needless to say, my mood took an immediate turn upwards. “She also said you could throw in an extra bedtime story of your own choice.” Oh man, I just couldn’t stop smiling! I started thinking about my favorite fairytales… what would give me pleasure, hmm... After a while I knew it: Puss in Boots. Of course we’d have to tweak it a little – like the name of the tale – but I was sure I could get Carol really excited about it.
I was in high spirits again. Hey, what’s another two hours if I had such treats coming up my way? How did the old saying go again: Good things come for those who wait? Exactly. And I am waiting, yes, ma’am.
While I was humming a happy tune, I noticed it was getting close now. The judge was on his way and we would start proceedings in just a few minutes. Being a good Catholic girl with a convent school background I thought a prayer would be appropriate right about now. As always my mind drifted to my childhood mentor, Sister Alicia, who had taken such keen interest in me, the poor fatherless child. Thinking of her made me feel all warm inside and once again I wondered if she was alright and how her life had turned out after I had left the school.
Cantrell had tracked Sister Alicia down at some point saying she no longer lived in the convent but ran a lesbian brothel somewhere in South Dakota. I had a hard time believing her, she was after all a nun when I knew her and as far as I could tell nuns and lesbians had nothing in common. I mean yeah, it was all women and this amazing connection and otherworldly rapture thingy going on at the convent all the time but I honestly thought the voices emanating from Sister Alicia’s room had everything to do with exorcism or some other shit like that. I was in awe of her – all that constant praying… the girls and nuns who came out of her chambers – you could just tell what kind of a burden had been lifted off their shoulders, they were positively glowing!
She had always been so very tender towards me as well, calling me her nymph and everything, but only recently I’d started to think maybe it wasn’t a reference to some nature deity at all but a short for nymphomaniac? She always did see the potential in me, and she went out of her way to point out to me that once I grew up, I could rely on her in times of trouble, that even if she weren’t at the convent anymore, she would definitely find me an opening I could fill. Her kind words still melt my heart even though I haven’t really thought about her after meeting Carol.
The judge appeared and we were ready to roll. Carol took her seat behind her desk glancing at the latest arrival in the courtroom – Rindy! I could see the agony on my lover’s face when she realized Harge had dragged her in to witness her downfall and humiliation. The little girl smiled warmly at her mother who sank back in her chair. Fuck you, Harge! I thought anger rising in me and for a moment I toyed with the idea of ending the charade before it even started. What if we were to just come clean about it? Tell the judge of our newfound love and concede to whatever he saw fit to punish us with. That way we could at least save Rindy from the shock of seeing her own mother in the throes of passion in a dingy motel room.
I wish I had thought about it earlier since it was too late now. Harge’s lawyer started firing away. “Your Honor, we are here to prove Mrs. Aird an unfit mother for her young daughter Nerinda and therefore propose Mr. Aird to have sole custody of her. Mrs. Aird has repeatedly behaved in a manner unsuitable for a woman of her standing and we have plenty of evidence to support it as well.” The attorney paused for a second. “Objection, Your Honor!” I shouted from the back row. I couldn’t think anything else to say. Judge Harris glanced at me rather gloomily but decided to ignore my quip for now. To be honest everyone seemed to ignore it – everyone except Carol who looked at me lovingly. She knew I had her best interest at heart.
The attorney cleared his throat. “I hereby present the exhibit number one as our strongest evidence to support our claim…” Again I couldn’t hold my tongue. “Move to strike!” This time the judge glared at me in no uncertain terms. “If this person who ever she is opens her mouth once more I will ask the bailiff to remove her from the courtroom – forcefully, if necessary.” If the bloody defense attorney Carol had hired would do his job, I wouldn’t have to meddle in, I thought begrudgingly.
Harge’s attorney handed out the memory stick to the bailiff who limped over to the court computer. I thought about leaping all over her and swallowing the damn thing but that wouldn’t have helped our case at all. I would have been sentenced to an all-female prison for contempt of court… hmm, an all-female prison? There’s definitely a fantasy for us – me as an inmate and Carol as a tough-nut-to-crack warden! I’m not sure if I would look particularly good in orange, though, but the legcuffs, oh yeah…
The moment we had dreaded was here. The video projector was turned on and while the lamp was heating up, the time seemed to slow down for a second. I could see Harge gloating shamelessly, Carol averting her eyes from the screen, Abby looking sad and defeated, Cantrell chewing absentmindedly bubblegum and the dwarf sliding his hand up Burge’s thigh… What???
I squinted my eyes automatically as if to soften the inevitable blow… the light flickered on the screen before it focused on the pale derriere right in front of the prying lens of a camera. I opened my eyes just a bit more to realize the right buttock had no friggin’ tattoo on it!!! IT WASN’T MY BUTT AFTER ALL!
After a few more pictures had flashed on the screen both Carol and I were leaning towards them in astonishment and relief. Harge let out a desperate gasp realizing the woman sucking the living daylights out of her willing prey was not her soon to be ex-wife. By this time the bailiff had mercifully pressed Rindy against her uniformed bosom. But it wasn’t Harge’s grunting that caught my attention, no way… it was the wailing emanating from behind Carol that really got me. Cantrell had covered her face in agony while Abby was busy crawling towards the exit. The bloody paparazzi Harge had hired had photographed our stand-ins doing the nasty!
I was beside myself of joy and happiness! Thanks to Abby and Gen’s fervent and I must say quite inspired and what seemed to me somewhat tireless screwing we two weren’t screwed after all! Carol whispered something in her attorney’s ear which made the man jump up immediately. “Your Honor, I object to this gross misconduct of justice. These pictures have nothing to do with my client and have been purposefully planted by Mr. Aird to discredit her and cast a shadow on her good reputation… who these people are, I have no idea, but I hereby propose all these outrageous charges against Mrs. Aird to be dropped.”
Judge Harris didn’t mince his words expressing his distaste in Harge’s behavior. It took him less than five minutes to decide on Carol’s favor – the sole custody, a half of everything Harge owned and then some in the form of alimony. While I was counting the seconds for him to bring down the gavel for good, something unexpected happened. Desperate Harge pulled out his gun and started wielding it towards each and every one present. To make matters worse he pulled Rindy in front of him as a human shield in order to make sure we’d stay far away from him. What kind of an asshole shields himself with his own daughter??? He could have taken the dwarf as well since he was sitting right next to him but then again him being so short it would have left Harge wide open to a clear shot.
A moment before I had moved next to Carol eager to kiss and embrace her but now I knew that something totally different was expected of me instead. Aghast, Carol looked at me hoping I would come up with a solution to the hostage situation at hand. Now, you may recall from earlier chapters that I am an aspiring set designer. I know I haven’t really mentioned it since my carnal nature has taken over everything else, but now I could see how to use it to my advantage.
Designing sets gives one a sort of an intuition as far as space and distance are concerned, so I put my experience in good use. I knew Harge wouldn’t harm his own daughter but keeping her in front of him made it impossible for us to use firearms in any way either. It didn’t mean however that a gun couldn’t be used at all…
I grabbed Carol’s handbag, pulled out her pink-handled Derringer and flung the heavy, blunt instrument smack on his forehead. Bullseye! Harge went down in one perfect pitch. There’s some narrative economy thrown your way, huh! Didn’t see that coming, now did you?
Tears running down her face, Rindy ran to her mother and me. Her clinging to us made a nice portrait, I thought. I could get used to it. Anyway, by the time we got out of there it was 5:15 PB and I was getting anxious even though I had so much to look forward to. Opening the car door for Rindy, Carol winked at me. My God how I love that woman! I may have a one-track-mind but it is the track we both tread upon.
Hey, it’s me, Carol. Of course I had to have the last word, did you expect anything less? I am one lucky, blissfully satisfied woman nowadays. Everything turned out just perfect – me having Rindy all to myself, Therese by my side literally all the time, Abby and Genevieve madly in love, Harge in prison… why do people talk of heaven? This is it. I even found our memory stick still hidden underground.
I finally got to introduce Therese to my daughter. “Say something nice just to break the ice,” I whispered to my love. Well, Therese shook Rindy’s hand and did the best she could, I suppose. “Hi, I’m your new stepmom.” Not quite what I had hoped but then again why mince words? Therese has a way of growing on people and I’m not speaking entirely figuratively. Even now she’s following Rindy all over the house but I think my little girl enjoys her attention in some weird way. After all, she takes after her mother.
We’ve decided to get married as well. Therese popped the question and I said yes. She even had an idea for our honeymoon trip. I expected something like Paris, London or even Tokyo but for some reason she wants to go to South Dakota… well, it’s not like we’re going to get out of bridal suites any way.
Oh, happy times!