Time After Time
”I miss Mommy.” Rindy sounded gloomy. Therese turned away from the piano wondering if it was Erik Satie that had put the little girl in such a sad mood. “I know. So do I, sweetheart.” Sitting down beside her on the sofa, she wrapped her arms around Rindy and placed a tender kiss on her temple. “So do I.”
Carol had been away for two weeks already and it was uncertain when she would be back in New York. She was promoting her new album with live performances in ten cities around the midwest and it was taking its toll on Therese. They’d been apart for shorter periods earlier but this time it was more difficult than ever.
Helping Rindy with her homework, she remembered the trip they had taken two years ago. The very first one they had had together – the first and so far the only one, she thought begrudgingly. It had been a wonderful journey with several stops on the way, Carol making her mark yet again in the music business.
There had been a lot of interviews and concerts all along but it hadn’t felt like a strain or a nuisance since everything about it had been new and exciting. Everything about the two of them sharing, possessing a miracle had given the working holiday a happy glow of its own.
She had loved seeing Carol bask in the glory of her comeback and having her lie in her arms at the end of each day in luxurious hotel rooms across the state of California. It had all been perfect, truly an erotic dream of love, and – all too brief. She knew she couldn’t be the piano player in Carol’s shadow forever, Carol wouldn’t hear another word of it after having heard her performance in the recital, but the price they were paying for it felt way too steep now. For here she was fulfilling her own obligations, her own ambition, while Carol herself was what seemed to be thousands of miles away.
They talked over the phone every single day but how could it possibly replace the intimacy she so longed for? The connection and the closeness she relished in their relationship? It had all happened so fast, Carol’s success and Therese launching a career of her own, they’d forgotten to form their own routine, their shared pattern of living. The everyday lives of two performing artists just didn’t seem to come together, she sighed turning her attention once again to Rindy who was suddenly lost in thought.
“What is it?” she asked smiling encouragingly at the pensive girl. “Oh nothing…” Rindy replied but Therese wouldn’t accept her evasiveness as an answer. “Come on, you can tell me.” She had gotten to know Rindy pretty well over the past two years. She was now a very bright ten-year-old who divided her time between her parents’ houses.
“It’s just something what grandma said the other day…” Therese braced herself for whatever it was that Carol’s former mother-in-law had done this time. “She said that it’s not natural for two women to be together like you and Mommy are.” Of course she did, Therese thought, getting angry and irritated at the same time. “That it is an abomination to God or something.”
Gathering her sheet music, Therese tried to remain calm. “Quite a big word – abomination – having to do with disgust and hatred… hmm, what do you think for yourself? Do you think God would find my love for your mother somehow disgusting?” She struggled to keep her voice soft and gentle. “No, of course not”, Rindy started, “I just don’t understand why she keeps telling me these things.”
Therese remembered the time she and Carol happened to bump into Mrs Aird at the Farmers’ Market and how she had panicked and let go of Carol’s hand. “Don’t you ever do that…” she had smiled at her and wrapped her arm around her narrow waist. “Hello, Lauren,” she had joyously greeted the older woman keeping Therese even closer than usual. The frozen expression and the hurried nod Harge’s mother had managed to whip up had had them laughing a few moments later.
“People are afraid of things they know nothing about,” she explained. “And don’t you worry about God. Remember what your Mom always says: love is love.” Therese wished Carol could be there with them right now to hug her little girl and to assure her that everything was right in the world even though her grandma couldn’t see it.
“Hey girl!” The voice on the phone belonged to Abby. “Hi! What’s up?” Therese was always happy to hear from her. “Well, what isn’t..!?” she snorted, “I just wanted to touch base and find out if we’re still on for tomorrow?” They were supposed to go over her performance calendar for the upcoming months. Abby was, after all, her agent now. She had lived up to her promise to make Therese Belivet an up-and-coming pianist. “Sure. Is it okay if I’ll swing by your office, say, around noon?” She could hear Abby leafing through her agenda – she still preferred the printed ones. “Splendid. Let’s make it a lunch then, there’s quite a lot I need to talk over with you. Toodle-loo!”
Therese dialed Carol’s number. She was in Chicago at the moment so timewise they were almost in sync now. The call was picked up after two rings. “Hello, darling…” the soft voice murmured. “Are you still in bed?” Carol’s sleep cycle never seized to amaze her. “I’m afraid I am. The gig last night started after midnight and I had to do three encores.” She was yawning. “You poor thing…” Therese teased tenderly. “I am a poor thing cooped up in here without you… and then I had to have a very, very late dinner with some record company execs who insisted on talking till the early hours of the morning.” Therese could picture Carol wasting her time in some boring restaurant trying to appear interested in what the self-important suits around her were trying to get across.
“How are you, dearest? What are you wearing..?” Her voice was dripping honey. “Your daughter just left so I’m not ready for phone sex just yet.” The suggestive tone of Carol’s voice made Therese happy, though. “Too bad because I could really use some right now… I suppose I’ll just have to service myself after we hang up and draw from my fantasies of you,” Carol implied in mock disappointment. Therese could feel her heart beat faster. She hated the idea of not being present when Carol was in the mood.
“How is my little girl? Everything alright?” She was wide awake now. “Oh she’s wonderful, we had the most amazing morning playing and just kidding around.” Therese wasn’t going to mention Rindy’s anguish over her grandmother. Why upset Carol with something she couldn’t take care of right now anyway? Besides she had done a pretty good job herself, she thought.
“She misses you, though… as do I.” She couldn’t and wouldn’t hide it. “I know, darling, I miss Rindy and I miss you terribly. When I get back, I promise to make it up to you both.” She could hear Carol sigh on the other end of the line. “And when would that be?” she asked a bit too eagerly. “Soon. I’ll hear more about my schedule later today when I have a meeting with my representative.” It wasn’t what Therese wanted to hear, yet she’d been hearing it a lot lately. “I’ll talk to you later, darling.”
Therese looked around the apartment Carol had bought soon after her recital two years ago. She lived on Madison now, in one of those houses she had always dreamt of. Leaving Harge’s “space shuttle” behind, she had only brought along the bed the two of them had become so attached to. According to Carol, it was after all “the first bunk they had frolicked in”, so she just couldn’t part with it. Therese, though, had briefly toyed with the idea of a canopy bed.
Therese had more or less moved in with her, bringing along one thing at a time thus leaving her own flat quite desolate. She didn’t know why she hadn’t given it up altogether but right now she was happy she hadn’t – Gen was living in it at the moment.
Gen and Alex had broken up three months ago, and Gen was a wreck. To be honest, they were both miserable, and Therese didn’t understand why things had taken such an unfortunate turn. She had tried to talk things over with both of them but to no avail. There had been tension building between them for some time – it hadn’t escaped Therese or Carol – but it hadn’t seemed so out of the ordinary. They’d always been a quarrelsome couple, they’re dynamic had been based on it, Therese argued but Gen wouldn’t have any of it.
“Alex is a moron who doesn’t deserve me. You should’ve seen the floosie she was out with the other night… seeing her was an insult to our five wasted years together!” Floosie? Okay, Gen tends to exaggerate a bit, she thought and ill-advisedly tried to calm her down. “How on earth can it be an insult to you if you’ve already gone your separate ways? She’s only trying to cope just like you are.” This brought about yet another angry outburst from Gen – who finally ended up sobbing on her shoulder. I should just shut up, Therese thought hugging her tightly.
Alex was no less a sorry sight. Therese had kept in touch with her too, although it had become exceedingly difficult her loyalties lying first and foremost with Gen. “I wanted us to get serious, to really think where we were heading, not just keep goofing around like there’s no tomorrow… and then I got mad and drunk and acted like a total jackass…” Nothing had happened, Alex had assured, she’d just flirted with someone she didn’t even give a rat’s ass about. Therese knew it, and Gen knew it too, but for her it had been the last straw.
The break-up had done wonders to Gen’s musicianship, though, Therese had to admit. Every time she went by her old apartment there she was, slaving away with her cello. She had even been admitted to a master class given by Yo-Yo Ma, an honor bestowed only upon select few.
Therese had been positively psyched about Gen’s news but she herself couldn’t quite join in her excitement. “Nah… what good can it do for me? I’m such a yo-yo mah-self…” Well, at least she still managed to laugh at herself every once in a while.
Carol didn’t call later nor did she pick up her phone when Therese tried to reach her. It went straight to her voicemail. She knew Carol was giving a concert the same night and she hated to interfere with her concentration but she could feel her irritation building up just the same.
Pacing nervously around the darkening apartment she put on a record Carol had just made and dedicated to her. Therese longed to hear her voice and if this was the only way she could now have it, then be it so.
Time after time
I tell myself that I'm
So lucky to be loving you
So lucky to be
The one you run to see
In the evening, when the day is through
Therese imagined Carol walking in, throwing her jacket over the chair in her familiar, carefree manner, coming to her.
I only know
What I know
The passing years will show
You've kept my love so young, so new
And time after time
You'll hear
Me say that I'm
So lucky to be loving you
Not wanting to lose her scent from the bed linen, she had refused to change the sheets Carol had slept in the night before the tour. Now she clung desperately to the last whiffs of her evocative perfume still lingering on the pillow right next to her.
She felt miserable and utterly alone without her.