Not Heaven... Just Space
Hello my name is Clork Greefen and I am the smartiest, most funniest, most prettiest person ever to fall from the sky. I know yor probably thinking i fell from heaven but no, just from space. Me and a couple of other doucheybags. I am rich and pretty and blonde with sky blues eyes and excellent tits. They call me princes. One of the boys Baloney is not very nice. All of them are stoppid. A bitchy tweenager called Charlotte stabbed my best frend Wells in the neck with a nife. He’s dead now. So is she because she jumped off a cliff. Unlike when we came from space she died.
Anyways more stuff happened but it was boring and involved grown ups (who i hate because my mum sucks and killed my father and she’s also probably npt even my real muther because she doesn’t look like me and she has no heart but i have a heart so i think she’s an AI - but then again who wood be dumb enuff to write a stupid artifical intelligence plot????) but then we were like kidnapped by these weird vampires. They aren’t actually vampires but they suck blood from the people who have lived here.
The people who lived here arnt very nice. They lived here for a hundred years and we crash down, kill some people and villages, make noise, stomp about, and invade their lands but I still dont see why their so upset. Whatever they’re just mountain men food anyway. Yeah the people who kidnapped us live in a mountain and they seperated me from my fuckboi boyfriend Finn. Luckily I escaped and I got slapped with mud by this super hot grounder lady and now i’m gay. She died though because i thin kshe was gay too so her blud is a magnet for bullets. Now her friend the commander wasnts to meet me and so I have to try to loook strong and intimidating. And smart. But I’m surrounded by iriots so it’s easy to be superiorly intelligent.
SO today I have to meet the grounder leader chick and her henchman takes me aside before i go into the tent thingy.
His name is Goosetus and he has a big beard.
“If yer so mooch as look at her in the wrong way I will sleet yer throoot.” He says through his beard.
I don’t know what the fuck hes talking about so we go in in silence.
Inside is povo people furiture and decor but suddenly i see this big throne and i realise what way Goosetus meant. Because I am looking at the girl on the throne in a verry gay way. Technikally bisexual way but this goddess could turn me. If I thought i was pretty then i was wrong because she is so purdy. She looks like a raccoon with her heavy eye make-up (someone needs to tech her how to do a smoky eye proparly) but a sexy racoon. She has a knife and I want her to fook my kitty kat lady parts with it.
We talk and shit for a bit and then a remmber that I have her hot ded mentors smelly hair in my pocket. When i pass it to her our fingers touch. I think I pee my pants but I think it is just my kitty kat being wet.
For our first date I take her to the place where I killed 300 of her people. It smells like roast barbekue and i think it sets the mood nicely. After we zap her friend back to life she even smioles at me. I want to ride her smile and face but i dont say that because i raised myself better than that.
She tells me she wants to kill my merderus boifrend and i’m like “yeah cool whateva” in my head but i try to look upset. Later she asks me if i need to relieve myself. Constapation isn’t sexyyy so i stop.
In the night I have another romantick incounter with Leeksah the commander of making my pussy pop. I stab my fuckboi bf in the chest with a nife and hope for some pity/synpathy sexy times from Leeksah but nope. She just invites me to a bonfire at this village. When Fien is burnt into ashes i wait for Leeksah to make hur move but she doesnt.
But then she does.
She’s like “hi i’m gay and DTF” except she says it like “i lost someone special to me too… HER name was Crustia. She was Crusty. She got killed and shit because she was black AND gay but really its symbolick and shit because they cut off her head an deleiverd it to my bed which is ironic and metaphorical becos she gave me head there many times before.”
I was gonna tell her that we should go make out but then she told me that she didn’t beleve in love.
“Love is weakness.”
“Da fuq. Ohk. But dis pussy isn’t weekness you dumb bitch. You coulda had this good earth cleaveg. Dumb grounder.”
And then miss fortune cookie Leeksah goes stoic and looks at the ashes of my dead bf.
“To be commander ees to be alone.”
I want to punch her but i think she might be able to kill me really easily and my huge boobs weight me down when i try to run.
“Who taught you that?” I ask gayly, “You girlfriend?” Me, a known gay (bisexual), asks queerly.
“No. This dude caled Titlust. But you won’t meet his bald head until the writers decide to bury there homos and kill me stoopidly.”
I smile, “That’s cool.”
And then we laugh in lesbian.
Planning a war is sooooooo romantic.
Battle and weaponary relly seems to turn Leeksah on. Today her friends were being bumbholes to me and so i left for some hair and then dis fake hoe came up to me and tried to kill me but Leeksah came (not in the way I wanted) and chucked a knife into his hand all badass.
I wanted her to take me right there but then a stupid geurilla cockblocked my pale self and we had to run. Leeksah was like “we gotta jet” and she chopped the fake hoe’s leggsy and fed him to the gorrila like kibble.
Eventually the dude who was tagging along with us got tossed around like a slur and it was finally just the two of us for another romantick dait. Leeksah didn’t have her raccoon eyeliner on to draw strength from so I took control lie the top i am and got us to safety.
Afterwards she watched me sleep.
Wells - my friend who deepthroated a kanife - used to lov this book seeres about this dumb bitch and her sparkly boyfriend and he used to tell me it was romantic to watch someone sleep. I thought he was just being a stupid guy with little to no character development or purpose but it turns out it really is the best. Heda “give-me-head-please” Leexa even conformted me when I woke up to the sound of the gorilla butting a nut. It was a beautiful and extrememly gay moment.
It was as I luked into those panty-dropping green eyes that I kam up wis my master plan. An excellent idea to simeutaneously kill Baloney and prevent him form committing genocide and also win the war. Mostly kill the person whose maturing is going to be wiped away in the future. To be hoenest I also ant him ded so I can comfort his sister. If Leeksah wants to be alone then imma hit dat sweet ass that ws grown beneath the floor. Organic and whatnot. Except i think Raydamn and Ocgayvia have a thing and I not about to mess with their reccous pusshy mashing.
Whatever.