counting your scars and missing the stars [discontinued]

“Dave?”

He’s unusually very silent, and his fingers that were tapping along to some beat on the marble counter seconds ago were still. You worry he’s having another panic attack, and then worry if he’s seeing someone for them, because having three in one day is not healthy or anything remote to it at all. But then he shakes his head, his white bangs falling in front of his shades, and responds curtly, “What? Sorry man, I was zoning out for a bit.” You hold yourself back from pushing his fringe back, god knows how he’ll react, and repeat to yourself that he might’ve killed your father. He could be responsible.

But you’re not sure how much you trust your brother these days.

Dave’s so damaged, and frail, yet he still hides himself behind a set of barbed wires and stone bricks and never lets anyone into his burning building of a heart. He doesn’t hold faith in anyone, and those who he did hold faith in turned their back on him when he needed them the most. You know this, because you’re the exact same way.

You want to get him to trust you, and you don’t want to let yourself trust him. Everything you saw last night showed signs that he has no one; just like you, and every sign last night showed that he has powers too. You don’t know what that means right now, what you’ll do when Kankri finishes packing up[ all of your stuff, but you know you can’t make up your mind now.

You- You want to fix Dave Strider.

“Okay..” You don’t believe him, he looked so lost and just staring, and you worry so much about his health. He shakes his head to get his hair away, and shrug, “I haven’t had my meds all day, and I’m starting to get this huge migraine.” You frown, tracing patterns on the counter in an almost absentminded manner in retaliation to his finger tapping, “You take medication?”

“What? No. Pain relievers. OxyContin, aspirin, vicodin, stuff like that.”

You stare openly at him, “Dave, you do know that the two medication you just named are incredibly addictive, right?” He shakes his head, picking at the crumbs on his plate from the cookies, then licking his finger where he picked them up. “I mostly take aspirin, dude, I’m fine. And if you think I’m balls deep in addiction, then remember that I haven’t taken any today.” He has a point, and if Kanaya told you correctly, then he would’ve been up for six hours by now; not asking once for a fix. You’re just worrying again.

“..Listen-”

“Look-”

You both start at the same time and end just as quickly. You, being you, stay silent for a good five minutes before he starts to speak again, “Karkat, holy crap am I tired of dancing around this. We both know that superheroes actually exist, so you can cut the bullshit and spit it out. You have ice powers.”

You freeze up, swallowing, and force out a quiet what.

He shakes his head, lets out a scoff, and stands, the stoll scraping against the floor with a jarring noise that hurts your ears. “I have to piss, don’t leave.” Then, he leaves to the direction of the bathroom, leaving you alone with your blood ringing in your ears and a lump in your throat. There’s a thought in the back of your mind that he’s not allowed to be alone, that he could hurt himself, but it’s the bathroom and it wasn’t a suicide attempt from what you can tell because you were actually there to witness it.

It’s..There’s no “dancing” around it or whatever the fuck that mean, he can read minds and he knows about you knowing about him knowing about you knowing about him. What do you do now? There wasn’t a set guideline for these kind of things. You’re shocked, you really didn’t expect for him to just ask outright, or well, state outright. You’re screwed, right? He’s going to go get his brother, or whoever, and kill you just like they did to your father. He killed your father.

It’s not until forty minutes later did you think that he’s been in there for an unusual amount of time, and when you check you’re not surprised to find it empty.

When you come home, you’re face when an abnormal amount of moving boxes towered high. You peek around them to see your brother frustrated beyond normal as he tries to shove another pillow into an already filled box. You don’t even know why he has that many boxes, and it’s like, you get it. You’re moving. You’re leaving this town because it’s not safe anymore, Dave Strider is a danger, yada yada blah blah bullshit. You’ve already braced yourself with him screaming at you, or worse, being disappointed in the fact that you snuck out of your room to see if the person that you were specifically told to never come in contact again.

“Oh, Karkat! Finally you’re here, if you could pack up the stuff in the bathroom, then that would be great.” You narrow your eyes at his cheerfulness, which is fake, no doubt. He’s not going to yell at you for sneaking out? Ground you? Tape your wrists and legs together then throw you in the car’s trunk?

“Karkat, now would be the most optional.”

You slouch your way to the bathroom, and relive earlier today in your head. Moving would be the best option, Kankri was right- fuck, you’re such a dumbass! Why the hell would you defend someone that you just met? Because he was pitiful? Because you finally thought you had a connection with someone that understood your problems? Maybe you just think the best of everyone, even though most of the time it fucks you in the ass in the end.
You did that with Gamzee, and you remembered where that got you; expelled from the school and three weeks of community service.
Yeah, you’re just going to pack up all the deodorant, and shampoo. Throw the toothbrushes away because Kanaya said you should do that every four months and you’re not sure how long Kankri’s had his, he might mind you doing that, but whatever, right? It’s not like you can get into any more trouble. He didn’t even fucking ground you, and you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or, has it already? He’s taking you away from all of your friends, besides Sollux, to Kanaya’s summer home. He won’t even tell you the reason why.

That night, in the backseat of a moving van with your “I FUCKED UP” playlist thundering in your ears, you cry yourself to sleep. Five hours later you wake up to find yourself curled up on a couch with a blanket thrown hastily over you and any evidence of your crying wiped from your flushed cheeks. Your toes tingle from the cold, but you can blame bad circulation for that. After searching awkwardly for your phone in the murky darkness, you feel your fingers slide across the smooth, cool screen and you pull it towards your face.

Ouch, shit, bright light.

You have several missed messages, and even another call from John. Feeling guilt pool in your stomach, you click on Kanaya’s first. She always the safest bet.

Private Chat Between Karkat Vantas (My Son (NOT REALLY))and Kanaya Maryam (Passion Fashion)

Passion Fashion: Karkat Are You Okay
I Saw What Happened With Dave And I Dont Agree With The Theory That Hes Suicidal
Nothing In The Past Has Shown Signs Of It At Least
And Ive Known Him FOr Quite Sometime Now (5:23pm)

Passion Fashion: Are You There (5:49pm)

Passion Fashion: I Guess Not Still I Heard You Visited Dave
What Exactly Happened To Make Him Run Out Like That
I Dont Buy Kankris Story As Ive Stated Before
Dave May Be Alot Of Things But He Wouldnt Try To Kill Himself Via Frostbite (6:03pm)

Passion Fashion: Also Can You Tell Dave I Send My Wishes For Him
I Had To Leave Early When He Was Still Asleep To Watch Nepeta And Her Cats
Its A Long Story (6:11pm)

Passion Fashion: Youre Moving Now
But You Just Got Here Two Days Ago
Where Are You Moving
Why Are You Moving (7:34pm)

Passion Fashion: I Dont Mind Sharing My Summer Home
Its Not Mine Its My Mothers
I Still Dont Understand (7:59pm)

Passion Fashion: Porrim Told Me In Very Sketchy Detail That Its Because Of Your Father
Im Sorry About Him Again
He Was A Good Uncle To Me And Porrim (8:11pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): HEY, KANAYA. I’M HERE NOW, WHAT’S UP? (10:40pm)

Passion Fashion: Hello Karkat Youre Up Late (10:43pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): NOT REALLY, I MEAN, YOU’VE SEEN ME IN THE PAST. THIS IS NOTHING. (10:47pm)

Passion Fashion: Yes I Guess I have
Anyways How Are You (10:47pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): …HONESTLY? (10:50pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): I’M SO FUCKING EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.
I JUST WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE A MISERABLE DEATH AT THIS POINT. (10:52pm)

Passion Fashion: No
Are You At Least Finding Our Summer Home Liveable
For Now Im Sure Youre Not Going To Stay There (10:56pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): I’M NOT THERE YET.
KANKRI AND I ARE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT THE OLD MOTEL BECAUSE HE DOESN’T TRUST HIMSELF TO DRIVE IN THE DARK. I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW THIS SHITTY SMALL TOWN HAD A MOTEL. (10:58pm)

Passion Fashion: Oh You Just Woke Up
And I Dont Want To Meddle
But What Happened (11:00pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): KANAYA, YOU ARE FUCKING KNOWN TO STICK YOUR NOSE IS BUSINESS THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE YOU. REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME YOU CAME OVER AND YOU TRIED TO SNEAK INTO MY DAD’S STUDY?
HOLY CRAPSMELLING SHIT, YOU GOT HOSED. (11:06)

Passion Fashion: Yes I remember
Should I clarify I Mean What Happened With Dave (11:08pm)

Passion Fashion: Because When I Saw Him He Was Weirdly Silent And That Didnt Happen At All In The Time That Ive Known Him And Terezi Told Me That You Were With Him Last (11:10pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): DAVE? (11:11pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): KANAYA, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE. I TRUSTED HIM, WHICH WAS A DUMBASS THING TO DO CONSIDERING I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW HIM. (11:13pm)

Passion Fashion: What (11:13pm)

My Son (NOT REALLY): HE KILLED MY DAD. (11:15pm)

Your screen gets blurry, or rather your eyesight gets blurry, and you wipe the back of your hands across them, laying your phone down on your chest as it buzzed with incoming messages. For not the first time, you wish everything had turned out differently. Maybe if Kankri didn’t leave when he was old enough, your father wouldn’t be murdered, or if you stayed with Aunt Dora instead, but whining isn’t going to get you anywhere, is it? Though...

You could always get revenge.

Your eyes flutter closed as you think about it. It wouldn’t be simple, you’ll have to track down whoever did it, but it would be worth it. Your father’s death rests on your shoulders, so it should be you to do the job and it’s not like the police are doing anything about it. The fire was a simple accident, caused by a short fuse. ‘It happens,’ they told you, ‘It’s an old house, the wiring get fused together.’

You spread your fingers outwards to reach, thinking how sympathetic everyone’s faces were as they patted your shoulder and whispered they’re sorry for your loss. A waft of crisp air cuts through your cheek, lighting it red, and combines with the others that swirl together. Kanaya’s message, ‘Im Sorry About Him Again’. Kankri forgetting you’re a vegetarian. You feel droplets of water land on your face, and you stick your tongue out to catch one. Cold.

Half of the time, it doesn’t even feel real. Like the grief hasn’t hit you? He was absent a lot of the time, and so it feels like he’s just on a business trip. Or, he’s in his study, or he’s doing some protest and you’re stuck with Kankri as your babysitter. But, like before with your sudden freakout that transformed your room into Elsa’s castle, it hits you so fucking hard.
You didn’t want to be shackled with powers, you would’ve been fine with nothing, you fucking didn’t ask for this.

You can’t describe how it feels using your powers coherently, it’s like that moment when you’re on a roller coaster at the top before the big, long drop and all your hands are sweaty, but there’s this humongous smile on your face. Or when you’re playing this hardcore video game, button mashing as desperately as you could, because it’s the final level and you’re out of lives. It’s everything and more.

Another buzz came through your phone, so you clench your hands together and finally open your eyes, the feeling passing through and dispensing. Just above you there’s a small cloud that’s slowly dripping crystals of snow over the couch and your body, you could almost reach out to touch it if you wanted. A small cloud, you created a fucking small cloud, and you’re so fucking shocked that you don’t move.

You’ve never created an actual cloud before, just random bursts of ice that left your pams stinging and your breath white. This means you’re getting more control over it, right? You could- you could protect yourself, you could protect Kankri, Kanaya, and John if you needed too. You can take down whoever killed your father, and whoever that was it definitely had something to do with Dave.

Private Chat Between Karkat Vantas (sebastian)and John Egbert (flounder)

flounder: dude!! what the fuck, man! 
youre moving, oh wait no, youre already gone!
i thought we finally lived next to each other like how best bros do, but you just leave?
D:< (8:45PM)

sebastian: JOHN, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DAVE STRIDER? (11:20pm)

flounder: oh, so you prefer dave to me now??
he’s not that cool ya know, he’s a huge dweeb! (11:29pm)

sebastion: JESUS, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. I DON’T LIKE HIM, IN FACT I FUCKING HATE HIM, BUT THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT.
ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE THE FUCKING DEETS OR NOT, EGDIPSHIT? (11:32pm)

flounder: no! i will do no such thing because daves my best bro and bros dont do that to each other.
just like how bros dont leaves other bros behind! (11:33pm)

sebastion: FUCK YOU, IT’S NOT LIKE I HAD ANY FUCKING CHOICE. (11:33pm)

sebastion: PLEASE, IT’S IMPORTANT. (11:35pm)

flounder: whats in it for me? (11:38pm)

sebastion: JOHN, I KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS A CRUSH ON YOU, SO WE CAN TRADE INFORMATION. (11:40PM)

You wait out the reply, drumming your fingers on your phone before that reminds you of early today when Dave was drumming his fingers on the counter. You stop, then call John; yes, you is the person who calls. Shut up. And more importantly, John is the type of person who answers, and calls more than you.

“Karkat, you can’t call so late, my father might hear us!”

“Just fucking tell me.”

“Fineee, but you can’t tell Dave, and if you do..I’ll kick your ass!”

“Hmm, of course.”

“Anyways, Dave’s been my friend as long as I can remember. He was such an asshole at first! One time…”

30 minutes later and a headache, you know everything there is to know about Dave Strider. His favorite color is red, he hates the color orange, he’s obsessed with apple juice, irony, and memes, he has ten shirts of the same symbol; etc, etc, etc. And it seems John knows just as much as you do when it comes to the sun-kissed freckled boy. He moved in with his mother over a year ago, he’s twins with Rose, and he lived with someone who apparently was ‘a bigger dick than Dave himself!’ You remember how tense Dave seemed when he admitted to you that he grew up in a shitty environment.
He seemed so innocent.

You throw the blanket off of you, and reach down blindly to find your shoes. You need answers, and like hell are you going to get them in a summer house three hours away; which is where you’re going as soon as Kankri wakes the fuck up. Jesus, you’re so done with running away from your problems, and everyone’s hiding shit from you like you’re some toddler that can’t handle the truth. News flash people, you’re not a child, but rather a young adult and you can make your own fucking decisions.

And your decision is to get vengeance.

So, you map out a plan in your head. First things are first, you need to get to Dave and pry at him until he unloads everything he knows about powers, your father, and whoever is his brother. John was no help besides giving you facts that you didn’t need to know. Sure, it’s nice to know someone who has the same music taste as you, and you’re both team Taylor, but her new album is just thirteen year-old girl angst crap. Cats are obviously better than dogs, though you prefer crabs over everything while he has an uncanny love for birds.

It’s crazy how much you think you know someone, but then they have all things other little facts that you weren’t aware of. Seriously, you spent three some odd hours with Dave before Kankri fucked everything up, so you thought you got a good read: you obviously didn’t.
After your shoes are on and your laces are tied, you look over your shoulder at a peacefully sleeping Kankri. You’ll be back before he wakes up, because if he wakes up to see you not here than he’ll freak out and call the cops. He’s too overprotective for a brother that was absent for most of your life.

You take his coat (it looks like father’s old coat, but that’s been missing for years) and put it over your sweater, zipping the brown leather all the way up. Pocketing your phone, the room key, and Kankri’s wallet in an old rust-covered backpack, you leave into the chilly night. A lot of shit happens at night, you realize.
It was nighttime when you ran into Dave at the park, (when felt like such a long time ago, but it was only two days). And, when Kankri through Dave out. It was night when you got the news, and it was night when you eavesdropped.
There’s a little problem of how you’re going to get to Dave’s house, and you run through all the people that can help you.

John Egbert: No way, he just spend two hours talking about his best friend behind his back, so there’s no way he’ll help you anymore. Plus, his father’s the one with the car and you’re more likely to get a grounding from him than a ride.

Kanaya Maryam: The person you’re closest to, no doubt, but she’s basically your mother and you have a feeling she’ll be disappointed in you. (Plus, she’s probably asleep by now.)

Jade Harley: That’s a big, bold maybe. You distinctly remember someone in the group at lunch mentioning how she sleeps at odd times, so it’s 50/50. You don’t know her all that well.

Rose Lalonde: Hahahahhahahahhahahaha.

Terezi Pyrope: Maybe?? You’ve only talked to her about three times, two of those of her commenting how you smell like cherry soda and how it’s a shame you’re a vegetarian because she knows something that you can eat. It was really awkward.

You wish Sollux was here to help you out, he would hijack someone's car like it’s that one video game he plays most often and get you in caught, but you enjoy his company and constant stream of frustration he gives you. Even if he’s a state away, he’s still your best friend. You walk down the street, your shoes crunching on the snow, leaving tracks for anyone to follow you. Sollux would probably know what to do in a time like this. He fucking sucked at comforting you when you found out your father burned in a fire, but he’s really intelligent, more smart than you’ll ever be. You miss him.

Sollux was your go-to back home. Shit, you remember breaking into the old arcade after hours and stealing all the coins from the machines, then spending all the money on playing arcades. You two would play for hours upon hours, before hearing the door unlock, so you would have to hide in the bathroom until ancient species that was the owner opened up shop.He’s so old that he wouldn’t think of anything when you came from the back instead of the front.
Sure, some of the time was spent screaming turning into fighting, which was pretty even considering Sollux is all lean and bone while you pack some punch behind your bony knuckles. He would look out for you when the bullies came around, and that means hack into their facebook and posts nudes. And you would be the best wingman there is, because the ladies assumed you were gay and the was basically true, so they would let you eat at their tables; fawning over some guy named “Sollux Captor.” They started to see him as a potential love interest, while you got people who you can gossip with. It was a win-win scenario.

Jade’s house comes into view, and you take a peek in the window to see her strumming chords on an acoustic guitar. Her long, dark hair was pulled into a nice, neat french-braid and her pajamas were a light green with polka dots. From here, you can see all the plants that covered every spare inch of her bedroom. She’s really pretty, and has a great, bubbling personality from what you can tell, so you don’t understand why Dave just doesn’t ask her out on a date. She would look great next to him, with her bright smiles and twinkling eyes to make up for his mouth that’s always set in a straight line and covered eyes. You personally like how she didn’t take any shit from Eridan when he came up to ask her out-

Eridan! You stumble back and almost smack your head against the wall of the house for how idiotic you are. Eridan has no other friends that you, you’re pretty sure, so this could be a bonding exercise for the both of you. Well, he said you could eat lunch with him and whatever classes you had together you sit next to each other. Plus, he has a brother who own a fast car.
He’s was flirting with you at some point..Hopefully he doesn’t take this plea for help as a plea for a boyfriend.

You scramble back, wish her a goodnight silently, and rush to fishdick’s house. It takes you a shocking fifteen minutes, so you’re heaving in air as you job up his very long driveway. His house is fucking towering over you, and you’re so lucky he has no gates or guard dogs to be seen of, because if he did then you would be fucking screwed. God, you hate dogs.

His house isn’t one story like Jade’s, and you don’t want to guess what room he’s in, so you grudgingly pull out your phone and text him. Damn, you have more friends than you know what to do with.

You: ERIDAN, GET YOUR SHITTY CAPE ASS OUT HERE BEFORE I BREAK YOUR SHITTY EXPENSIVE DOOR DOWN. (12:37pm)

ERIDAN: wwhat to you fuckin wwant kar (12:37pm)

You: I FUCKING NEED YOUR HELP. GET DOWN HERE. (12:38pm)

ERIDAN: sigh (12:38pm)

You wait until the doorknob jiggles, then turns, and you can see Eridan’s face peeking at you. “I could of been sleepin’, you know.” You shrug your shoulders and admit that you were actually surprised that he wasn’t. He lets you in, and you flip him off when he tells you to take off your shoes. You’re well aware of how dirty your shoes are, how old, and how worn down; you love them to fucking death for how they’re still manageable to run in. He tries to take your coat off to put on a coat rack, you glare at him until he backs off. “So, what do you need help with?”

“I need to get to Dave Strider’s house, or wherever he is basically.” Eridan raises an dark eyebrow above his bagless, glassesless eyes (is he wearing makeup?) and crosses his arms across his chest, jutting his nose up high in the air. He’s wearing satin pajamas, “Why the hell do you want to see that poor garbage?”
“Isn’t his mother richer than your dad?”

He gapes at you, and pokes your chest with his pointer finger; he wears his rings to bed? “He doesn’t dress like it, I don’t know why he refuses to dress in anything other than those rags and hoodies. It’s an insult to us.” You don’t mention how you’re poorer than dirt, he already know from the rate of your shoes, coat, and overall outfit, and instead change the subject, “Listen, I have gone through fucking hell to get here. It’s one am and if I wasn’t used to staying up so late, I would be exhausted. No, I am fucking exhausted. So, you’re going to go get your brother and drive me to Dave’s bullshitsmelling house or I will fucking kill everything you fucking love!”

Eridan bites his lip, and you guess you looked more bite than bark unlike how you usually look, or he’s just not used to people yelling at him, because he nods. “Okay, okay. Do you think you’re the only one who needs to sleep? But, my brother’s not here. I thought he was with your brother and havin’ sex or somethin’.”
You resist the strong urge to strangle him right there, but then he walks over to a fancy looking desk and opens a drawer, pulling out a ring of car keys. “I can drive you.” He states, looking at you with his grey eyes. Uh, what? Ten seconds pass of awkward silence before you chuckle darkly, “Ha, ha, very funny, but aren’t you the same fucking age as me? You can’t drive anymore than I can.”

He shakes his head, and a frown pulls down on his lips, “First of all, Kar, I’m fuckin’ fifteen, and do you think anyone here gives a fuck whether you’re old enough to drive or not? It’s a small town, so everybody knows everybody and even if I do get arrested, my father will sue.” He shakes the keys in his hand, but then shakes his head, “But, I’m not fuckin’ driving you there tonight. We’ll sleep before anything.”

You stomp up to him, and jab your finger in his chest, “Sleep? Yeah, right! We’re fucking going now!” He looks down at you without his stupid hipster glasses, and squints to try to see your face. He’s not going to budge on this, is he? “As your friend, I gotta make sure you’re okay, and sleepin’ in definitely something that you need. Have you seen yourself lately?”

“What about my brother? When he wakes up to find me gone, he’ll throw a huge fucking prissy fit.”
“You can have the guest bedroom, it’s the right one down the hall upstairs, and I’ll take care of your obnoxious brother.” He puffs his chest out like he’s your knight in shining armor. You sneer at him, then turn around, stalking to the stairs.

“Kar, before you go, I gotta ask; it’s my duty as your best friend of course, but are you..ya know, okay?” Before you snap at him that no, he’s not your best friend and he never will be because he’s an inflamed douchecanon, you bite the insult back on your tongue. He’ll hate you for insulting him, and right now, he’s all you got in terms of help. “I’m fine, fuckface.”

You hate how big the guest bathroom is when you enter, simply because it’s larger than your old bedroom, and if the bathroom is like this, you wonder what the grand master’s bedroom looks like. You wonder what Dave’s house (mansion) looks like. There’s a good smelling soap that smells like blueberries, you cleverly shove it to the bottom of your bag. Eridan might just be doing this to get into your pants, but you think he has more class than his brother. He’s been tolerable at least, though going on a date with him is that last thing you’ll fucking do.

Sleeping has never come easy to you. You used to have really terrible, devastating dreams as a kid that made you wake up with your sheets wet for more reasons than sweat. You would sleep next to Kankri as often as you could, for having someone next to you to wake you up was relieving, and when he left, you would try to sleep next to your dad every chance you got. He was busy most nights, leaving you to your own dreaming doom. As you got older, the dreams stopped appearing as often, but the habits of staying up as long as you can to avoid them had soaked down to your bones, so now every night is a hit or miss of several hours of undisturbed sleep.

It seems like now is one of those nights where your thoughts aren’t loud, because when you crawled into the unused, cool sheets and hugged a pillow close to your chest, sleep came easy.