counting your scars and missing the stars [discontinued]

You breathe in deeply, counting to ten before letting it go. Kanaya’s breathing exercises were helping, you no longer feel the need to jump off a bridge into shark infested waters.

bzzzz bzzzzzzzzz bzzz

Your phone buzzes in your pocket, and for a second you were confused, you don’t recall turning the sound off. Sighing, you take it out and answer, turning the volume up so it’s not on silent anymore. It’s your brother. He’s too quiet, and asking just meaningless stupid shit like oh did you make any new friends? Fuck off.

“Kankri, shut up and get to the fucking point”, you bark into your phone. Ten minutes after you have a little sobfest, your idiotic brother now calls you out of the blue. Now, it’s not like you were worried or anything, maybe along the lines that you have no idea what he does for a living or his hours so he could be dead in a ditch somewhere and you would have no idea. It would be great if he tells you anything, but nooo, he has to keep you in the dark of everything.

You actually don’t know really anything important about him, he left for college when you were five and came back exactly every Christmas until the year you turned eleven. He was so uptight that a ruler up his ass was an understatement and he would scold you on the smallest fuck up you would do, he expected so fucking much of you! Therefore, the impression you got from him was that he was superior than you and your father. Not a very good thing to think of your older brother. You've had phone calls, sure, but all of those times he's talked about Cronus or his friends before derailing the conversation back to you. Not to mention he was so much older, thirteen years is a big fucking difference when it comes down to it, so you never really clicked.

Whenever you asked your father, he would dismiss you with a “Kankri is an unique individual and that is all that there is to be said on the manner.” It was so annoying, and it gave you the feeling that the two didn’t like each other. Scratch that- you know that Kankri hated how your father was raising you. It was the last time you saw Kankri before you moved in, the last Christmas before he stopped coming.

“Jesus Kankri, I get it. You don’t want to have any part with me, but I will not have you take Karkat away!”

You couldn’t see them, but that was, wholly and utterly, your father’s voice. You’ve only heard him use that tone when you’ve really fucked up, not even that, but when you’ve done something so outrageous that it made your father turn into Satan’s best friend. Both times he’s spoken to you like that was when you were practicing your powers.

And “take Karkat away”, what was he going on about?

“Kamari, you know it’s safer with me. I am only looking out for Karkat’s best interest! He’s still so young and he deserves to have a normal life.”

“He’s having a perfectly normal life here-”

“Being carted around, moving place to place so often that he never makes any friends? He’s lonely.”

“Maybe if you visited more often than that would change.”

That was the vocal equivalent of a stab, and if  you were John then you would of said, “Shots fired.” You, as much of an asshole Kankri is, missed him from time to time, so you could piggyback that statement. Course, you still has no freaking idea what they’re arguing about.

“..When I left, I thought you were perfectly clear on where I stood.”

“You don’t want to have any part with Sgrub.”

“Yes, and that stands with him as well.”

What’s Sgrub? And why is your brother so against it? Ugh, you don't even want to eavesdrop anymore if it doesn’t make a lick of sense.

“You can’t decide for him, he’s my son-”

“BARELY!”

“Quiet, you’ll wake him up.”

You moved around a bit to get the pressure off your legs, but accidently lose your balance, you fell forward from the squatting position. Your legs made an ungodly bang on the unclean wood, alerting the other two downstairs of your presence. Crapp, Sollux had told you that your hiding spot was utter bullshit because every move could be heard loud and clear, but it had kept the job keeping you hidden for the most part.

“..Karkat, is that you?”

You scooted your legs out from under you and silently got up, rushing to your room to make it look like you were asleep the whole time. God knows what kind of trouble you’ll be in if they caught you.

“I am sorry, brother. I am at work and will be until midnight, I regret that I forgot to inform you beforehand. Please do not worry about being home alone, I will call my dear friend Porrim to come watch you.”

“NO! I don’t need a fucking babysitter. For god's sake, I can take care of myself.”

“...Are you sure? Karkat, I don’t think that it would be a very good idea. I-I can’t believe I’m even leaving you alone right now. My manager is very direct about my hours. I am calling Porrim, hopefully in the morning we can talk about what we are going to do about my hours.”

You frown, he sounds on edge, it wouldn’t be hard to imagine that someone was holding a gun to his head when he spoke. He didn’t even point out your bad language. You have a slight feeling why he would feel uncomfortable letting you be alone , but why would he think the house fire was anything but an accident? Unless he knows more than he's letting on. You made sure to never voice your suspicion on it, because it was made very clearly to you that no one knew you were a freak mutant besides your father and you. Did dad have known enemies that you don’t know about? He was very private about the friends he had, you’re not sure if he even had any in the first place. He was a secretive man, but you know- knew him better than anyone else.

“Kankri, why the hell would it not be a good idea? I've been left alone before, and you said it yourself that this town is the safest you've ever fucking seen. No crimes? You had the best fucking cop in the state?”

No answer.

“No fucking crimes? Were you lying? I wouldn’t put it past you seeing as you never even told me your shitty fucking profession!.”

“...”

“Kankri!”, You pull your phone away from your face and look it over, call disconnected. You curse uproariously. He hung up on you, he fucking avoided confrontation like a little bitch. You were right to think that he doesn’t want you there, he’s probably macking on his perv boyfriend like a sex-crazed hormonal teen. So, you assume you have a babysitter now, some chick named Porrim. Fuck, you do not want to be looked after like you’re fucking five.

The best way to deal with this is to rage with your friends of course:

Me: GUYS, I HAVE TERRIBLE FUCKING NEWS (3:40pm)

A LITERAL SHIT WITH GLASSES: what happened? :( (3:47pm)

Mother: Yes Karkat What Seems To Be The Problem

Mother: Do You Want Me To Come Over (3:47pm)

Me: NO, I’M FINE. MY FUCKTARD OF A BROTHER IS THE PROBLEM! HE’S A BIGGER PIECE OF SHIT THAN EGBERT! (3:49pm)

A LITERAL PIECE OF SHIT: hey! (3:50pm)

bee'2 knee2: oh ya you moved iin wiith hiim, ii remember. diid he get fed up wiith you already? (3:50pm)

Me: NO? FUCK, I DON’T KNOW, ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE JUST GAVE ME A FUCKING BABYSITTER LIKE I’M A TODDLER WITH FAT CHEEKS AND A POOP FILLED DIAPER. (3:52pm)

bee'2 knee2: aren't you a toddler though? you're 2hort enough (3:52pm)

A LITERAL PIECE OF SHIT: sollux is right! you’re so tiny, i didn’t realize it was you when i first saw you today. i always imagined you to be well, taller! (3:55pm)

A LITERAL PIECE OF SHIT: wait, dude did you change my nickname??

Me: FUCK BOTH OF YOU, I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR OWN DICKS AND DIE (3:55pm)

Mother: Why Is Kankri Getting Someone To Watch Over You

Mother: Is He Not There (3:57pm)

A LITERAL PIECE OF SHIT (John Egbert) changes his nickname to: who you gonna call?

You groan, angrily typing in your phone that yes, he’s not there and again, no, you’re fine. You’re a bit taken aback when Kanaya says that Porrim's her older sister, but that shock is washed out quickly by annoyance when she texts that she’ll be accompany her when she goes to “babysit” you. Fucking Maryams and their meddling.

You throw your phone down as it continues to beep from all the incoming text messages from the group chat. As usual, they weren’t helpful at all, and John finally caught on with you changing his nickname so now you owe Sollux five bucks. If only the annoying dipshit waited another fucking day before wiping his glasses! Three days is still impressive, even if it’s Egbert. The obnoxious sounds do not look like they’re going to stop anytime soon, -you know they’re talking about you, you just know it-, so you get up from the floor and realize how much of deep shit you’re in.

The snow.

It’s on everything. Layers of it resting on your twin-sized bed, and the fresh, bright white blinds your eyes so harshly that you feel bile climbing up your throat. This is the real your father is dead, and you have to get rid of it before anyone else sees it. You feel the temperature drop lower, past freezing, and focus even while your heart is pulsing irregularly.You can do this, you’ve done it before.

Keeping your eyes closed, the ice bites at your skin with sharp, glacial teeth as you picture the snow melting rapidly. The white fades into clear water and you lose your control on it when it gets to that point. You feel your breath being taken from you, and you drop to your knee, hands wet from landing in puddles.

You open your eyes.

--

“Thanks for the food, Porrim.”

She hums a response behind your back, you can feel her green eyes on you as you abscond back to your room. She’s alright, you suppose, if not passionate but there was this underlying tension that Kanaya could of easily break if she was here.The reason she wasn’t was because she has to study for an upcoming test, John told you that Dave said that it was code for when Rose was coming over. Good for her, you suppose, though you would've preferred if she had told you herself. That’s the second time you’ve been kept out of the loop and you know it’s not going to be the last time. You really thought you were closer to Kanaya, this fucking burns.

There’s a couple messages from John when you were eating, and you feel yourself smile despite you trying not too. He’s not a homosexual, Karkat, you woefully remind yourself. Even if your nicknames for each other are Sebastian and Flounder, from your favorite Disney movie, The Little Mermaid. Even if he’s the one who set them because he remembered when he didn’t have to. That’s just regular “bro” things.

flounder: hi! (8:26pm)

flounder: karkat?? (8:40pm)

flounder: are you eating dinner?

flounder: who eats dinner at eight, that’s so late (.8:46pm)

Sebastian: CALM YOUR FUCKING TITS, EGBERT. I’M BACK

Sebastian: ALSO, PORRIM APPARENTLY.  BY THE WAY, SHE’S A FUCKING HORRIBLE COOK.

Sebastian: I SEE WHERE KANKRI LEARNED.

Sebastian: FUCKING HELL, DON’T TELL KANAYA THAT. (8:48pm)

flounder: promise ;) (8:48PM)

Sebastian: IF YOU TELL HER, I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND STORM UP YOUR STAIRS TO YOUR ROOM. YOU WON’T FUCKING SEE ME COMING AS I BARGE IN, GRABBING YOUR FACE AND PLUGGING MY NAILS INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETS. YOU’LL SCREAM AND BEG FOR FUCKING MERCY, BUT I’LL ONLY LAUGH. YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG PERSON, BULGELICKER.. (8:49PM)

Sebastian: JOHN? (8:50PM)

Sebastian: DOUCHEPRICK, YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING IGNORING ME, YOU SLIMEBAG! (8:51PM)

flounder: jesus karkat, sorry but i was talking to dave!

You snarl in disgust at the name. John had mentioned talking to Dave before, but you never really cared or thought about it twice really. However, after you’ve met him in person you can say he’s the most unattractive, disdainful assfucker you’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting and you have no fucking idea why he’s John’s “best bro”. Dave can go jump off a twelve foot story building, dying in a puddle of his own blood.

flounder: also, that sounds like something terezi would say :(

flounder: i don’t think you’ve met her, that's good for you, she’s a bitch. >:0

flounder: hey, i have an idea!

flounder: you're not busy, right? (8:56pm)

Sebastian: IN WHAT WORLD WOULD I BE BUSY? I HAVE HOMEWORK IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT IT'S ALMOST DONE. (8:56pm)

flounder: wanna go to the park? :B (8:58pm)

Sebastian: WHAT CRAPPYASS PARK? (8:58pm)

flounder: the park at the corner of 8th! it's by the general store? (8:59pm)

That one. You saw it with Porrim when you went to get “things”, she didn't tell you exactly what she was getting and you didn't want to know. You look back to the texts, and see that you've been replying almost instantly to John when he texts back, while he replies to you after a minute or two. You wait purposely to not seem like a desperate idiot.

Sebastian: OH YA, THAT ONE. WHY? (9:01pm)

flounder: because it'll be fun, i swear. you won't regret it, plus you said it yourself that you have nothing to do. (9:03pm)

Sebastian:..FINE, BUT IF I GET IN TROUBLE IT'LL BE ON YOUR FUCKING ASS. (9:04pm)

flounder: deal! (9:04pm)

You turn your phone off and get ready, you fucked up the weather a sure fucking lot. You feel guilty, it was supposed to be a perfect evening, but now it's going to storm, a fucking blizzard. You were going to stay inside all night, watch a movie, cry yourself to sleep, it’s what you call the daily routine of self-loathing. Though, once John invites you to anything than you go batshit crazy and do whatever he says like a puppet on strings. Or a trained mutt. Fuck, you are so pitiful that you’re getting second-hand embarrassment for yourself.

After finishing wrapping up the fashionable scarf Kanaya gave you, you step into the cramped bathroom to see how you look. Your peculiar eyes stare right back at you in the clear mirror, thin, cracked lips frowning, and you can see you broke out near your hairline, but if you pull your bangs in front of it then no one can tell. You hate how you look. Everything about you is ugly, inside and out. Why would you ever imagine that someone as cute as John would ever look twice at you, you’re tiny and could pass as a kid. He said so himself.

You don't want to go, not surprising, but you force yourself to walk down the hallway, passing by pictures of people you don’t know, and shove words out of your mouth to call to Porrim so no one calls the cops when they can’t find you in your room, “I’M LEAVING FOR A WALK, I’LL CALL YOU IF I NEED ANYTHING.”

And then you leave.

The walk to the park in uneventful and boring, when you get there is where things get interesting, because you see one Dave Strider on the swings. He’s not even swinging, just going back and forth slower than a snail. A dark burgundy hoodie that he has on causes him to blend in the background more than stand out, but his hair sticks out like a sore thumb. It’s so pale, and you’re hit, a sucker-punch to the stomach, with how much to looks like snow. The night hides him easily, a blanket of darkness covering his form, yet you can still picture it bright as day. It curls around his ears, and lays perfectly on his face without a stand out of place, it looks like he puts no effort in it and for all you know, he might. It makes him look like an angel.

You’re five feet away from him before your brain catches up with your feet. He has those annoying shades on again, even if it’s pitch black, and rap music is blasting from those earbuds. Something about big butts, what the fuck?

“Kitkat, didn't expect to see you here. What brings you to my neck of the woods?”, he says nonchalantly. You wish you knew where he was looking at.

“Fuck off, you don’t own this place. And John invited me here, shiteater. I have no fucking clue where he is though, not that I care! The best thing to ever happen to me will be the day he goes to help some old fucker and the grandma turns out of be some assassin, who guns him down. Wait, that’s too pleasant of a death for him! Maybe some crazyass canibials can kidnap him and tear him limb from limb. His skin is probably delicious! That would be so fucking great that I’m smiling just thinking about it!”

He’s just sitting there, looking at you with no expression on his face. He’s literally void of any emotion and that is the domino that tips you over the edge.

You walk right up to him and lean in close, yanking that dark earbud out of his ear, “What the fuck Strider, were you even listening to me? Jesus fuck, I could hear your sexist music from ten feet away, do you even know how stupid that is? You can lose your hearing!”. The teen shrugs, shaking his head to the left to get his very blonde bangs out of his eyes. Shades? You’re wondering if Strider’s even okay, he’s barely wearing enough clothes to last in this weather, and then you’re berating yourself for caring about him in the first place. Then again, you are the one who caused this shithole of a weather, you panicked and look where it got you.

“Stop."

You pull back, still holding the earbud, which is still blaring offensive lyrics that would give Kankri a heart attack, as you look at him with mind boggled confusion. Stop what? You didn’t do anything beside yell at him and rip his music out of his ears.. Wow, you are a terrible person, but you’re not taking the fucking blame for it. “Stop what, you’re the who who’s sta-”

He cuts you off quite fucking rudely, “Stop caring. You don't need to be worried about me. I'm perfectly fine.” You raise your eyebrows, (you can’t raise just one, but you bet that a cockeating bastard like Strider can), because he does not look fine. You can see him shaking, and it’s as if he doesn’t even notice it. You should give him your scarf, since you doubt you can get frostbite or hypothermia. Oh, what a sick fucking joke that would be. This just in: Boring, asshole, not as cool, knock-off version of Jack Frost dies from being a fucking moronic imbellic!

“Fine, fucking asshole. Where do you live? You need to get somewhere warm stat, or you're going to be the idiot who got hypothermia because he stayed outside on the coldest day of the year. Did you even see the news? It's going to fucking snow soon.”

You do give him your scarf, because contrary to belief, you have a heart. It’s cracked and hanging by the stems, yet by some miracle it still works. You would feel like absolute garbage if he got sick, you might not know him and your first impression of him is a fuckboy with self confident issues, but he’s in the same friend group you’re in. Also, you’re not a terrible person. Imagine that, right?

You still hate his fucking guts, don’t forget that. The two of you banter back and forth before he drops the ball that he lives three motherfucking hours away! You’re worried because how the hell did he get here, did he- oh he totally fucking walked. He could've gotten mugged or kidnapped or any scenario that involves him getting hurt, he’s just so dumb and you are now aware why you worry about him. He’s obviously is the type of person that could care less about what happens to him.

“Three hour walk!? What the fuck, Strider. That's it, you're staying with me for the night. I would get my brother to drive you home, but he's at work. Why the fuck he has the weirdest schedule, I have no fucking clue, he's such such an assfaced buttshitter than he doesn't tell me anything,” you rant, dropping the earbud that he caught quickly. You hadn’t noticed he turned off his music.

“Bro, I barely know you. What makes you think that I'll go to your house?”

Fuck, you are a stranger to him, and every time you’ve spoken to him, it's been an insult. There was a chance you could call John, he’s better in situation like this, but where the fuck is he? He asked you to come to the park, and that generally means he’s supposed to be there. There are possible explanations, and you’re going with the “he stood me up because I’m a freak” one.

“Okay, ya know what, I’ll bless your home today. Lead the way, Senpai-chan.”

You bristle, you’re no one’s senpai so thank you Strider for reminding you how no one could ever love you. “Don’t fucking call me that- just ugh! Start walking!”

He gets up from the swing, awkwardly and out of place like his leg fell asleep, “Hard to do that when I don’t the direction I’m supposed to be walking.”

You roll your eyes, it might be too dark for him to see it but you could give no fucks at this point. Turning around, you start towards home, not turning back to see if he was following. If he had half a brain he would, but if he ran the other way, would it be that bad? You’re definitely not looking forward to playing host for the night. Not once did you think of calling his parents to see if they can pick him up, you somehow feel like there’s no one who cares.

You would know.