Repetitive
You feel numb. Or do you just not feel at all? You wish it were the latter but it’s the former. You’re numb and tired and sad all at the same time, and you can’t do anything about it. Well… you technically can, but do you really want to do that?
The answer is yes, but for the sake of your own sanity and everyone else’s, you decide you won’t.
Plus, you’re tired, (although when aren’t you?) and you don’t want to make the effort to sit up, let alone leave your bed. It’s night anyways, and you want to sleep, but find unsurprisingly that you can’t.
It’s funny, this cycle. This cycle of feeling horrible, to feeling better, thinking you’re getting better than… Well. Then you’re back at the beginning once again. Huh. Kinda like the RESETS, you figure, and that thought alone almost makes you laugh out loud, except you don’t have the energy to. And it’s not really funny.
It’s just so… repetitive. Every time you feel as low as you can go someone comes along and cheers you up, and every time you think you have a chance, you do alright. For a while. But then something happens, or maybe nothing happens, that leaves you like you are now. If your life was a story, and what a wreck that would be, it would bore the reader with the constant repeats of events. Like a movie getting revamped multiple times, and though it’s supposed to get better, it just gets annoying. And you’re left wondering when they’re going to let the movie rest damn it, because nobody liked it the first time and making it again with only a few things changed is not going to make anyone’s opinions diverge from what they originally thought! It’s a bad movie!
But your life is not a movie, and you now kind of wish it was, because movies always have a happy ending. And you know you won’t have a happy ending no matter what. Because you will always be dragged down by your past. Because you’ll always have to deal with your repetitive mental state. Because your life is in the hands of a mere child.
Why? A question you often ask yourself, but no matter how many times you ask it, you will never get an answer. Why you? Why were you given this life? Why were you pushed to such a state mentally that you wanted to kill your father? That you actually did something worse than killing him?
Why? Why the RESETS? Why do you have to remember? Why did your father have to give you enough damn Determination so that you would remember, but be unable to affect? Why did that flower love to mess with you, and why does the human keep RESETTING?
Why? Why do you have so many questions that will go unanswered? Why even bother asking them when no response will be given. These questions are useless, you’re useless, and yet you still have more questions! Why can’t you get better? Why can’t you try, try just a little bit harder?
Why does your mind act like a timeline stuck in a loop, even after you’ve escaped through that in actual reality?
You’re almost bored with the same thoughts you get every time you’re set back. Almost. They always manage to remind you of what you have and haven’t done, no matter how unoriginal.
You wonder if anyone feels the same way you do, not to the same extremes, but something resembling what you’re going through. You wonder is Alphys ever felt like her life was going in circles, maybe when she kept the amalgamates hidden. You wonder is Undyne ever felt like she wasn’t strong enough, like when she lost her eye. You wonder if Toriel ever felt hopelessness, like when child after child left her, only to never return. You wonder if Asgore ever felt guilty, murdering children for the sake of the Underground, no matter how much it truly affected him. You wonder if Papyrus ever felt not-so-great, maybe from a time he doesn’t remember, but maybe from a time he does. You wonder if Frisk ever felt trapped while controlled by Chara, and you even wonder if Chara felt trapped as a ghost controlled by Frisk. You wonder if you’re not alone in these feelings, and you wonder how everyone but you was able to overcome.
But, maybe… maybe you’re downplaying everyone’s issues to make your own seem more important. Like how Alphys still gets nervous when someone mentions Flowey, or when Undyne grows uncomfortable if anyone mentions someone being weak because of a disability. When Toriel still mourns over the loss of children she knew so well but barely at all, and how Asgore separately cries over the same children that he didn’t even know the names of. And when Papyrus ever looks sad or upset over something that he claims isn’t a big deal, like someone disliking his cooking, but you know it is a big deal to him. When Frisk has nightmares of you in a golden corridor, and you can only assume that Chara is haunted by those images as well.
And it makes you feel even more guilty, you must admit. You put your issues as top priority, almost as if you want to be depressed. Want to hate every moment living. Want to die constantly. But… you don’t want that, do you? You honestly can’t tell whether you hate yourself so much that you think you deserve these horrible thoughts, or you’re just an attention seeking baby, and that scares you. You’re not faking it, right?
No, no, no, you’re not. Nobody would want to be like this, that much is obvious. So why do you feel like you’re faking? You know you’re not. You think you’re not. You don’t know anymore.
You finally find enough energy to move, if only to push your hands against your skull for the coming headache. You’re just… tired. You’ll think about this in the morning, right? When you have a clear mind? You have a feeling that your thoughts won’t change, but…
You want to get better. You do. And you know you say it every time you hit this low, every time you’re back to the starting point. And that makes it seem a little less legitimate, because if you really want to get better that badly, you’ve had enough tries to.
But, hey. Nth time’s the charm, huh?