Knife
“OKAY, WE ACTUALLY HAVE INGREDIENTS NOW, SO THIS TIME IT SHOULD WORK BETTER.” Papyrus says before thoughtfully rubbing his chin, “BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS: WHAT SHOULD WE MAKE?”
“i dunno Paps.” You helpfully respond.
In your defense, you don't know the first thing about cooking anything, and you don't even know what ingredients they have. And even if you did, you doubt you would know what to do with them. You have no idea why Papyrus brought you down to cook with him.
Well, scratch that, you do know, it's the reason that you're completely useless by yourself, and can't be trusted alone. Or the fact that Papyrus just wants to hang out with you. You'd like to think it's the latter, but you know it's the former.
“WELL, FRET NOT! I HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN! I WILL MAKE PANCAKES! AND YOU! WILL CUT THE FRUIT AGAIN!”
Oh. Well you did do that last time, but that was before your slip up. Can you be trusted again? Can you even trust yourself for this? You obviously can’t be alone, let alone with a knife, so you say something.
“uh... Papyrus? maybe i should…” You search for an excuse, “not. do that?” You say lamely.
“NONSENSE! YOU WERE GOOD AT IT LAST TIME!”
“um…” You can't be trusted.
You can't be trusted to not hurt yourself when you will. You want to. You want stab yourself over and over until you turn to dust.
And you know you do, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You think you could hold a knife right now, but as soon as it touches your hand, as soon as you're holding it…
You don't think you can do it. You know you can't do it because you're just to weak to hold yourself back. You know. You know.
“I CAN HELP YOU AGAIN, IF YOU WANT?” Papyrus says, catching on to your apprehension.
“i shouldn't… i…”
“You know, Undyne told me about what happened last week.” Papyrus switches to a quieter voice.
Your slip up. Your mistake. You're a mistake.
“But it's okay! It happened, yes, and we have to acknowledge that, but we learn from it. And you're in a better place than when it happened. .6 HoPe! You're getting better. I just… I just wish you could see it.” He pauses briefly, “So I know you can handle holding the knife, because you're strong. And even if you can't right now, I'll help you through. But I know we can do it.”
“Pap…” You sigh softly, “when did you get so smart…?”
When you take the knife you're nervous, more nervous than the first time cooking with Papyrus, but you take it. And Papyrus guides your hand for the fruit in front of you. Kiwis, strawberries, apples, cantaloupe, and other fruits you don't know the name of. But Papyrus is there, and not once do you make a move to turn the knife on yourself.
Of course it's because Papyrus is there, but you did it. You held the knife. And of course you find it kind of pathetic that he needed to be there, needed to be watching you so you don't hurt yourself, but you did it. And that's enough of a victory for now.
“LOOK! THEY’RE ALL CUT UP NICELY! I’M GOING TO MAKE THE PANCAKES NOW!” Papyrus says, retreating to the stove.
So it seems like your jobs all done. You just sit and admire your nicely sliced fruit, (well as nice as you could get) and just relax. You find that sometimes it's nice to just take a breather once in awhile. Just forget. Forget about your problems, forget where you are, what you are. Just let it go. It's probably not the best thing to do, but it helps calm you down, and that's something hard to achieve.
And so you have breakfast as everyone comes down, wishing you a good morning. You have breakfast, and it all goes by in a blur. You're awake but not fully there, just not in a bad way though. And you just go through the rest of the day like this. Aware of what you're doing, but mind wandering.
And as you head off to bed after a day filled with nothing really, just watching television, your mind still isn't there. Papyrus says goodnight to you, and you both lay down in your respective beds.
You, of course, don't go to sleep right away, but not because of nightmares. Well, not mostly because of nightmares. More of your confused state of mind.
You just have so many questions. So many questions that can't be answered, but so many you just don't understand the answer to. Will the kid RESET? Is this the last time? Or will you just go through this again?
But it's bound to RESET, right? The questions that confuse you the most are the ones with answers. Why is everyone being so… so kind to you? How can they not see your messed up? You're not getting better? Can't they see everything's your fault?
But they insist it isn't, that it isn't your fault. Papyrus keeps saying that your father was a bad father, and that may be true, but it doesn't excuse your actions.
Right?
You don't know anymore. All your life you were told you were a failure, worthless and useless, nothing more than a resource for your father’s experiments. You've been told so many things like that, first from your father, than from yourself. But why? Why does Papyrus try to convince you otherwise? Actions, or lack thereof, have consequences. And you accepted that motto. Obey or suffer. And of course, your father may have taken that a little too far with the Determination. But besides that, he was right in certain things. You were useless. You were worthless. It's only your fault that you received the abuse you did, even the Determination.
But Papyrus… Papyrus and everyone else doesn't think that. Maybe because they weren't there and don't remember, and just can't believe you were such a bad child? Or it it that they know the story, and still think you're not at fault? But you are. Are you? You don't know anymore.
You just don't know anymore.
And the RESETS. Something you could have prevented but didn't. Remembering, but not taking action. Why? Why didn't you do anything? Try to save anyone? Stop the madness?
You just gave up. And yet nobody blames you for that. You're almost certain, had anyone else but you had been in that position, they would've come up with a way to stop the RESETS. Or at least tried. Why didn't you try? You had so much time, so, so much time. Hundreds of lives you lived, and could never bother to come up with a solution to stopping the problem. Just saying your lines and going along with this sick joke they called a game, and toying with your friends’ emotions, feelings, ...lives.
You had so much time, yet you just… gave up.
You exhale sadly as you lay on the bed. Sitting up and reaching for the top of your dresser, you grab for your phone.
The screen lights up brightly as you turn it on, causing you to be blinded for a few seconds. It's funny, with all of the stuff going on, you almost forgot you had a phone.
You don't really know what you're doing with it though. You kind of just stare at the lock screen for a while, watching as the phone goes dark, only for you to turn it back on again. You eventually tire of this however, and unlock your phone, opening Undernet.
You start a message between Alphys and you.
You:
hey alph. you up?
You don't know exactly what you're doing, or why you're texting Alphys right now, but you wait a few moments for a response.
Alphys (◕‿◕✿):
Yea! What's up?
You take a little bit before typing your response.
You:
nothin much, just couldn't sleep really. was bored i guess.
Alphys (◕‿◕✿):
You do know i'm in the next room, right? Lol!
You:
yeah, didn't feel like getting up ya know? anyways, up for just chatting about random stuff?
You hit send, but quickly add something else, not to come off as rude.
You:
i mean, not like if you're busy or want to sleep or something.
Alphys (◕‿◕✿):
No! I don't mind! I'm actually bored rn too!
The anime I was watching with Undyne turned out to be a total bust actually, and she said she “didn't want to suffer through more of that garbage” so she went to sleep.
I was going to watch something else, because I obviously wasn't going to continue watching the trash I had on, but then you texted. And well, you know what happens next...
Oops! Sorry didn't mean to go on like that! You probably don't want to listen to me ramble about bad anime! >_<
You:
it's okay alph. don't mind. have you seen mew mew kissy cutie 3 yet? is it absolute trash like the second one?
You like Alphys rambling. It's nice to see her so passionate, when she's usually so timid, even over text.
Alphys (◕‿◕✿):
NOOOO!!!!! I HAVEN’T YET!!!
But like, if you wanted, you could… Watch it with me and Undyne??? When I get it???
Only if you want to, not trying to pressure you into anything!
You:
course. it'd be fun. how bout tomorrow? can you get the dvd by then?
Alphys (◕‿◕✿):
YESSSS!!!
So glad you're coming, we haven't actually hung out in a while!
And yeah! I can pick it up tomorrow! You could actually come with me to the store, if you want?
You debate this before typing. It's not that you don't want to go to the store with Alphys, it's just… Ah, hell with it, you'll go.
You:
sounds good.
i'm actually gonna try and sleep now, if that's alright. didn't mean to cut this short, but i feel like i could sleep now.
thanks alph. that helped.
Alphys (◕‿◕✿):
No problem! Glad I could help!
Goodnight!
Looks like you have plans for tomorrow.