Scientist
“HERE’S YOUR SOUP SANS!” Papyrus says, placing a steaming hot bowl in front of you. “DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK OR…” He trails off, allowing you to pick up.
“nah, thank you though.”
“OKAY THEN. MISS TORIEL, WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN US?”
“Oh, of course Papyrus!”
They both sit next to you after having taken their own bowls. You pick up your spoon and take a small sip, really not expecting a flavor, but getting a small hit of one. You take this opportunity to make a pun.
“Tori, Papyrus, this is souper good.”
“SANSSS, REALLY?” He groans as Toriel giggles, but both of them have a certain relief present on their face, seeing as you are up to your usual jokes.
You really aren't though, you just knew that saying that would appease their worries slightly. They've been worrying about you too much lately, and you need to put an end to that. You're fine (No you're not). Nothing's wrong.
Soon everyone is done with their bowl, and Toriel offers to do the dishes, allowing you and Papyrus to leave. You both walk to your room in silence, anticipating the conversation to come. You have to explain yourself.
“SO…” Papyrus starts as you come into the room, “DO YOU WANT TO… TALK?”
You really can't get out of this because of your previous outburst, so you agree. “i guess?”
You sit on your bed and process how you're going to explain this. You also think about Papyrus’ reaction to your failures as both a brother and a son. The fact that you actually killed someone, and that it won't be RESET.
“Alphys.” You say suddenly as the thought comes to your mind.
“WHAT?”
“Alphys will probably want to know as well…” You say sheepishly.
Why would you say that?
Does Alphys really need to know? No she doesn't. There was no reason for you to mention her. She doesn't need to think any lower of you. Neither Papyrus. You shouldn't have said that. Yet you did.
“OH… OKAY. I’LL GO GET HER.
You have half a mind to say no, you changed your mind, but decide against it. It's too late to recover from your sudden outburst. Alphys will just now know how much more of a horrible person you are than she originally thought.
Papyrus leaves, and you sit there in silence until he comes bustling back through the door with Alphys in tow.
“H-hey Sans. How are y-you doing?”
“i'm fine.” You say softly, realizing now how nervous you are about explaining everything.
To be fair, you don't have to tell them. But you don't think you could handle the disappointed look in Papyrus’ eyes every time you dodge a question. And hey, maybe it would help to say it. You doubt it, but it might be good to get it all out there. All your failures as both son and brother. Your failure to bring him out of his madness. Your failure to save him. Your success in pushing him into the CORE.
“W-what did you w-want to talk about?”
“o-oh um…”
Papyrus gives you a look, sensing your hesitance, but still wanting you to start explaining. You start, only because you don't want to disappoint him anymore. Even though both him and Alphys will be after hearing about the horrible things you've done.
“Alphys, do you know who the previous Royal Scientist was?” She nods her head no, so you continue. “well… he was my father. me and Papyrus. he was the one who created the CORE.”
You pause to let them take in the information. “he was good. a good father once. a good scientist. he brought me into the lab eventually to help him. that's where i became friends with you Alphys. you probably don’t remember that though. no one does.” You say bitterly. “but he changed. it was probably my fault, i dunno. i wasn't the best son. i was weak and pathetic. he had helped get my measly 1 HP up, but that didn't matter. i was still a disappointment. that's probably what caused it.”
“SANS YOU’RE NOT-”
“please… just let me finish.” You say, taking a deep breath. You're probably going to regret this later, but you're just getting it all out now.
“he went mad. he slowly turned insane. he just got stricter at first; he demanded we be home at certain time, restricted us from staying out too late. but it got worse. he… he didn't like us. it wasn't Papyrus’ fault. he got violent. he screamed at us and… hit us when we didn't do what he wanted. when we weren't up to his standards.”
You compose yourself to explain the next part. It's strange, it's easier than anticipated to explain, but you're sure you're going to feel guilty for saying it later. When Alphys and Papyrus realize how bad a messed up you are.
“but that wasn't the worst part. he… uh… he d-decided t-to-” You get choked up and Papyrus offers for you not to continue, saying, “SANS YOU DON’T HAVE TO-” But you cut him off. “i d-do. you deserve to know.”
You take a few deep breathes again, only mildly upset at yourself now for your incompetence at explaining. And feeling regret over things that never happened.
“Determination.” You look over at Alphys who seems to grow upset at the very mention of the word. “you know what it does in large doses. but… calculated, precise doses from a m-man who really knew w-what he was d-doing with the stuff…”
Alphys lets out a small gasp, grasping on to an idea of what he did to you, as Papyrus still seems confused.
“Y-you d-don’t mean he… he…”
You give a small, weak nod. “h-he i-injected m-me with it.” Papyrus’ face grows concerned, not fully understanding the true effects of Determination, but getting the concept of how bad it must have been from Alphys’ reaction.
“he never did it to Papyrus though.” You say quickly, then adding in a smaller, more subdued tone, “i made sure of that.”
A dense silence fills the air before you start to explain the most difficult part. “o-one day though, i-i got fed up w-with him abusing us l-like that. t-there was a p-problem at t-the CORE. i dunno w-what it was, i j-just know h-he had t-to go in and f-fix it.” You take a shaky breath, “s-so i f-followed him there, a-and w-we had an a-argument and i… and i… i pushed him! i pushed him into the CORE!” You outburst, finally being able to say what's been on your mind, not caring right now what their reaction is.
“i'm sorry! i just- i just… couldn't take it anymore! and the- the CORE was malfunctioning, and- and i… i… he… he disappered. from everyone's minds. everyone's memories. except mine.”
You stop for a minute to gauge Papyrus and Alphys’ response to your outburst.
“It’s okay Sans…” Papyrus says in soft voice, trying to calm you. But it's not okay, and you try to make that clear.
“no, it's not okay! i did something worse than killing him! he got trapped in the void! he didn't die, he got something worse than death. and i did it. to our own father. i couldn't save him from his insanity that i caused, so i sentenced him to a fate worse than death! that's not okay! i'm not okay! i deserve to be in his place.”
“S-sans, you c-can't really think t-that? After a-what he did to you? With t-the… Determination… He d-deserved it.”
He didn't though. You put in him that position to begin with. But one look into Alphys’ eyes tells you she won't be easily convinced of that fact. And you're not going to try and convince her. Because you know it's true, and she'll eventually find that out.
“Sans, I… I’m sorry.” Why is Papyrus saying sorry when you should be the one apologizing? “You've had to go through so many things that I didn't know about, and each thing I learn shows how strong you really are. Nothing that happened is your fault. Not the RESETS, or this man who you dare call father. I don't exactly understand the effects of Determination, but beating you as well? Beating us? With the Determination on top of that? I've seen the after effects of Determination, and if he did that to you… even the slightest bit…” He cringes slightly. “I’m not one for hurting people… but for once i'm glad this man isn't here.”
“You can't h-honestly think t-that any of t-this is your fault, right? That man… all h-he did was h-hurt you. Even if you did something wrong, which i'm s-sure you didn't, that's n-no excuse for d-doing what he did to y-you. For h-hitting both you and Papyrus? For… injecting y-you with Determination? T-there was no r-reason for him to do that. It’s not y-your fault.”
But it is. Why can't they understand that? It's your fault. It's always been your fault. Everything you do affects someone negatively. You’re a weak, pathetic, disappointing nuisance and you don’t deserve-
You feel the gentle touch of Papyrus pulling your hand away from your wrist. Guess you subconsciously started digging into yourself again. God, you're such a mess.
“Sans, don't be afraid to tell us what you're thinking. We care. We aren't mad at you. We're not disappointed, or think you’re a burden, or anything of the sort. We just want to help.”
“sorry.” You mumble, ashamed at your inability to keep from harming yourself without others around you.
“It's okay.” He pauses for a moment, probably figuring out what the best thing to do next would be. “How about you go downstairs and hang out with Frisk? And maybe Toriel and Asgore as well? They always seems to cheer you up. They actaully enjoy your puns.” He adds the last part with a hint of humor. “I’n just going to… talk with Alphys about this, if that's okay? I just need to process this.”
“Yeah, its j-just a lot to take in, y-you know?”
You give a small nod, and start to head out the door. You understand. They probably don't want to talk about how messed up you are in front of you.
“J-just one last t-thing.” Alphys interrupts before you're completely of the room. “T-this may seem l-like a dumb question, b-but did he have a n-name?”
“hm?”
“T-that man. Y-you said he w-was the previous Royal Scientist?” She starts to look nervous. “It’s o-okay if y-you d-don't want t-to answer, I j-just-”
“W.D. Gaster.”
You walk out the room.