Broken
“Hey Sans!” Undyne shouts as soon as you make your way downstairs. “Wanna watch some anime?”
You only respond with a nod of the head, still shaken up from your previous conversation, before heading over to sit next to her on the couch.
Frisk offers a small wave, showing you their position on the other couch. Undyne turns the volume up on the tv, and you turn your attention to the screen. They're in the middle of an intense battle scene, but you soon zone out and don’t pay attention, just trying to clear your mind. Undyne’s sudden voice whispers next to you, startling you out of your haze.
“So what was that all about?”
“what?” You whisper back.
“You know what i'm talking about. What were you shouting about upstairs?” She says, louder than before, but still just a bit over a whisper.
“oh…” She heard that. No doubt she heard that. “just talking. ‘bout stuff.” She doesn't need to know. You've already told more than enough people about issues that should stay yours.
“Care to elaborate?” You shake your head no, embarrassed, but still unwilling.
“Ugh, you always do this.” She says, now speaking at a normal volume. “Do you know how long Papyrus has wanted to get something out of you? He's been so worried about you.”
You sit there, staring back at her, trying to keep a neutral expression on your face.
Of course you know. Of course you know how much of a burden you are, and the fact that it takes so much to tell Papyrus anything. You know he's worried about you. You know he shouldn't be worried about you. You know you’re stubborn regarding information, but you also know it's information that would burden everyone else's minds. It's information only you should carry.
But yet you told them.
Your lack of response prompts Undyne to continue. “He's been so worried about you, and you keep making this so difficult!” She says slightly louder, catching the attention of Frisk.
“m’sorry.” You say under your breath. Whether or not she catches it, you don't know.
“I mean, I get it, I guess… Alphys had sort of the same problems.” She pauses quickly, only to continue shortly. “But Alphys basically got over all her stuff. And yeah, it's hard, but your problems really aren't as bad as Alphys’. Not that i'm mad at her, but she did some pretty bad stuff. And you didn't. So I don't get why you just can't get over it!”
“i'm sorry.” You say again louder, but this only seems to anger her more.
“You're sorry?! Is that all you have to say? Papyrus has been worried sick over you, and all you have to say is i'm sorry?! You went and pulled your little stunt, but did you ever think of the consequences? Your actions have an effect on people other than you, you know. I've never seen Papyrus that upset, and it's all your fault.”
At this point, Frisk is frantically signing for Undyne to stop, but you hear her words. You know her words are true, and finally, finally someone said it out loud. You’re selfish. You cause Papyrus pain. It's always your fault. You can't get over your problems. You burden everyone else.
But you still say sorry.
Is there really an excuse for what you've done? Sorry won't cut it. You've caused everyone pain, even Papyrus. Who's the best thing in your life.
“i know.” You say softly, catching Undyne’s attention. “i know i'm messed up. i know i upset Papyrus. i know i can't get over my issues. i know i'm just a nuisance. i know!” Your voice gradually gets louder as you speak, leaving you shouting.
By now, both of you are standing up, show forgotten. The air is thick with silence, neither of you knowing what to say. Your face burns with shame on the fact that someone, finally, called you out all your wrongdoings. For a second you believed you could be okay, that everything would sort itself out in the end, but it's not. You thought it would be okay, but it's not. You're not. You can't believe you thought you could get better. Look at all the pain you've caused already! How can anyone who has done such things be forgiven? How could someone like that get better? They can’t.
“A-are you guys okay? W-we heard s-shouting and…”
Papyrus and Alphys walk into the room and pause at the site before them.
You can't let them see you. You're an embarrassment. A nuisance. A burden that failed to save them.
You quickly walk past them and go up into your room, locking the door. No one saying anything, too shocked by your sudden movements. It's about a solid minute until you can hear muffled voices coming from downstairs.
“WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?”
“Well Sans was-”
You turn on your side and block out the voices you hear. You know what happened. You know that your pathetic for ever thinking you could get better. Undyne was right; Alphys got over her issues, yet you can't get over yours. Hell, everyone else has issues as well, yet they can seem to get over them.
You do nothing right. Of course you had to try and kill yourself. Of course you didn't think of Papyrus. Of course you messed up everyone because of what you did, and what you told them.
You really want to take out the knife from under the bed, but you feel as though you can't move. You want the pain, but doesn't that show how much more you're messed up? It obviously bothers Papyrus when you do it, but you did it anyway. You really have no consideration for others feelings. Selfish.
And besides, you don't think you would have the energy to get up anyway. Your body feels like a brick; unmoving and plastered to the bed. You feel as though even the tiniest movements would exhaust you. Because they would. Because you're pathetic.
There is a knock at the door. “SANS?”
Suddenly you find the motivation to move, but only to curl yourself into a ball.
“SANS, COME ON, PLEASE. YOU KNOW UNDYNE DIDN’T MEAN WHAT SHE SAID.”
“Yeah, uh, sorry about that. I've just been a little stressed I guess with Papyrus and everyone being on edge with you.”
You don't respond.
“SANS I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. ALPHYS AND I MIGHT… HAVE SET A CAMERA IN OUR ROOM? SO WE KNOW YOU AREN’T HURTING YOURSELF?” Papyrus says, sounding slightly embarrassed.
Great, they set up a camera. You still say silent though, now not worried about Papyrus thinking you're hurting yourself since he can see you.
“Dude, i'm sorry. I really didn't mean it. As I said, just stressed.”
But she did mean it. She meant every word of it, otherwise she wouldn't have said it. Papyrus is probably making her apologize, the kind soul he is. She shouldn't have to apologize for being right. For saying the truth when no one else would.
You can't get better. You're not getting better, and you can't. Why did you think you could? No one as broken as you, having done the things you've done, can get better. You were foolish to believe otherwise.
“SANS…”
You hope they leave. You hope they leave and never come back and leave you in your room to die. You're only a burden alive. You're also a burden dead. You're a burden no matter what.
“Sans you piece of shit! Where are you?!”
Your father sounds pissed. You look around the corner you're hiding behind and catch sight of him standing over a broken plate. Shoot! You forgot to clean that up after Papyrus dropped it. You go to hide behind the corner again to avoid his rage, but unfortunately he sees you.
“No you don't.” He says, swiftly moving to grab you before you can do so much as take a step.
“Did you do this?” He says coldly, and you in turn take the blame, not wanting him to go after Papyrus.
“y-yes, i'm sor-”
“I come home from a long, stressful day at work, and this is what I come back to?!” He slaps you across the face hard, bringing you to the floor as you were not suspecting the blow so soon.
“You can't do anything right! How easy is it to clean up a broken plate?”
“i'm sorry, i forgot, i-” He interrupts you with a kick to the ribs, ending your words with a grunt of pain. However you'd still try to continue to appease him. “i know, i'm sorry, i messed up.”
“You think? Why do I even keep you around? You're useless. Worthless. You're only a burden to me.” He kicks you again, and you try and stifle a groan. “I thought you were smart! Apparently not smart enough to be able to do a simple task.”
“i'm s-sorry, i-”
“Do I have to get Papyrus in here for you to really listen?”
“no, please no!” You say without a second thought. Papyrus did nothing wrong. Yes, he might have dropped the plate to begin with, but you're the one who failed to clean it up. You're the one at fault. Papyrus shouldn't be punished for your failure.
“No?” He kicks you harder then he has before, causing your ribs to crack slightly. “No?! Since when do you talk back to me? I work hard to provide for you and your brother, and you dare speak back to me?! What is wrong with you?”
“i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry!” You say quickly.
He yanks you up harshly, causing you to cry out in pain slightly. “You're going to clean this up. Now.” His voice holds no choice. You have to do what he tells you, otherwise he'd be even angrier.
He punches you in the face hard before turning to walk out of the room. “This better be cleaned up in five minutes, otherwise…” He trails off, allowing you to only imagine what he plans to do.
Quickly recovering from the blow to spare his anger later, you kneel down and start to clean up the broken plate with your hands, not having any tools to pick the pieces up with. You hear him murmuring to himself as he walks away. “I don't even know why I keep him around.”
Why does he keep you around? You're useless.
You lay in your room. You don't know how long its been, but you don't care. Papyrus came to try and get you to eat, but you didn't respond or open the door. You're not hungry.
And besides, he knows you're fine because of the camera he put in your room. And you find yourself kind of pathetic for that. They need a camera to watch you?
You also feel bad for taking up Papyrus’ room as well. You should probably let him in to sleep with you, but he's much better off sharing a room with someone else. Someone who's not a disgusting, pathetic, weak little skeleton.
You drift in and out of consciousness, not knowing how long you've been laying here for. Not that you care, but it's only when Papyrus comes up to your room again that he tells you.
“SANS PLEASE, IT'S BEEN WHOLE A WHOLE DAY ALREADY. SURELY YOU'RE HUNGRY BY NOW?” He pauses, gauging your response, of which you give none. “PLEASE, I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU…”
“you shouldn't be.” You say quietly, not sure if you're talking to Papyrus or yourself.
Papyrus sighs, “BUT I AM… WE ALL ARE.” And you hate how he says it because you can tell it in his voice that he's telling the truth. The raw honesty hurts you. “PLEASE, IF YOU WON’T DO IT FOR YOURSELF, DO IT FOR ME. PLEASE.”
And it hurts you so much, the moral dilemma inside your mind. You want so badly to say no, stay holed up in your room until you die of starvation or anything first, but you don't. You don't because Papyrus is your weakness.
You unlock the door and head downstairs with Papyrus.