A Wake at Last
"Can I talk to you?" Michael asks as Alex looks over to her backless halter bridesmaids dress in the closet mirror.
"Shit! I mean yes. Hold on let me change." Alex hurries into the bedroom and gets into her jeans again, hanging her dress back up in it's sheath. "You know you're welcome at any time, but I do wish you'd coll or at least knock instead of just appearing like that. There are things I like to do in private that I\d rather not have an audience for."
“Such as?” Michael asks. “I’m not denying your request for privacy, I’m simply curious.” He continues at her irritated look. “There is after all very little a human can do that has not at once point been witnessed by angels.”
“Well, when it’s hot out, hanging around the apartment in less than the publicly accepted amount of clothing. Or air drying after a shower. Or things like dancing around in my underwear and singing into my hairbrush to a song on the radio or my phone. Things like that which are part of the perks of having an apartment all to yourself, no matter how small.”
“So things involving nudity.”
“And silly embarrassing things in general, yes. I suppose that’s the best way to sum it up. And eventually, should I ever start dating someone not trying to destroy me or use me or too vulnerable to last in my world, it might involve another person. So… call and or knock. From the outside of the apartment.” Michael just gives her a look at this. Alex shrugs apologetically but really you wouldn’t have to tell a normal person why you shouldn’t suddenly appear in a person’s apartment without warning.
“I have never understood the human obsession with nudity.”
“That’s because it’s an obsession with sex.”Alex informs him bluntly.
“I don’t understand that either.” She shakes her head.
“Join the club,” Alex sighs.
“There’s a club?”
“No, that means I feel the same way and so do others.” Alex explains. “Well, that’s not completely true. I understand a little, but I’m sick to death of it. You know, being a virgin used to be considered a good thing.” she scowls.
“That’s true.” Michael nods.
“Who’s business is it anyway? Nobodies I’m really sick of being called pagan bait. If I wasn’t, you know, your sister wouldn’t be such a.. a nanny goat about Rhys.”
“I believe she thinks if you weren’t he wouldn’t be interested or as interested in courting you. That he’s more interested in seducing you than he is in a serious relationship.” Michael explains, feeling slightly surreal in finding himself taking his little sister’s part again.
“Oh, well then.” Alex rolls her eyes.
“In fairness, he insists that he’s equally interested in both. But Gabriel is trying to be mature and responsible and to protect you, her friend. And her son as she’s fairly convinced Claire will grieviously injure him should he hurt you in any way.” What’s even more disturbing is that he finds himself agreeing with her in this instance. Of course it’s possible it’s just a sign that she’s become that much more mature and responsible.”
“Yeah, well, there are limits. I’m not a child. I have the right to make my own mistakes.”
“If you think it’s a mistake to get involved with this man..” Michael starts but unbelievably she waves a hand to silence him. It’s pure astonishment that actually causes him to be quiet.
“I mean I have the right to do what other people think will be a mistake. My own choices, my own decisions, my own mistakes. If I’m wrong than it’s no one’s fault but my own. Ultimately the responsibility is mine regardless, so the judgement used should also be mine.“She explains, somewhat reasonably.
“There is virtue in doing what you’re told by those older and wiser with more experience than you.” He reminds her, somewhat predictably. But he’s not as certain of it as an absolute principle as he once was.
“Maybe, but that depends on who’s doing the telling. If I just did what I was told, I’d still be luring skeevy old perverts to be eaten by vampires. Well, I’d be a vampire right now most likely.” She sighs glancing at herself in the mirror.
“Why would you be doing that?” Michael asks astonished. The scars on her soul makes more sense, but nothing he’s seen of her character so far would have led him to suspect her of such a thing.
“When I was seven, I was kidnapped from a family I no longer remember, by a family of vampires. They raised me, used me as bait to get food. Sometimes when there wasn’t enough, they fed on me as well. I wanted to do it at one time. They were my family, they needed me. So I killed for them, bled for them, but I just… I couldn’t stop thinking, feeling, it was wrong. And eventually I couldn’t do it anymore. So I ran, they followed, Jody and the Winchester killed them all and took me in.” Alex looks down, waiting for Michael’s reaction to her confession. He has a tendency to be uncompromising and absolute in his judgements with very few exceptions. It’s likely he may choose never to confide in her again, or even to resent what he’s shared already, but it would come out sometimes and there’s probably not going to be a better one.
“Whoever your parents were, “ He starts gently. “They raised you very well, if you even left at all.” Michael puts a hand on her shoulder. “They instilled the values and virtues that led you to do what was right in the end. You were a child, helpless, malleable, human. You are not responsible for what they made you do.”
“Maybe not at first, but when I started having doubts and still did it anyways? Where’s the line between when I’m not responsible and when I become responsible?” She shakes her head. “Where does what’s not my fault become my fault? What age? I don’t know. I’ll never know.” Alex sighs and is silent a moment. “I wonder if Rhys would feel the same way he does if he knew.”
“I don’t know. But if he doesn’t it’d probably not a good idea to have sex with him.”
“True.” Alex laughs. “Well, it doesn’t matter right now. I’m sorry, you needed to talk to me?” Alex gives an apologetic smile. “If you still want to, I’d love to talk about absolutely anything else right about now.”
“I do wish to. I’m having feelings I wish I weren’t. How do I make them go away?”
“I’m not sure. What feelings are they?” Alex sits down on the old plaid corderoy couch she and Claire found. Michael just starts to pace. “Anything you have to say, can’t possibly be worse than what I just told you.” she admonishes him, which is a fair point.
“When I was dancing at the party.” He starts with uncharacteristic slowness. “Gabriel was right. I hadn’t danced for Days.”
“You were fantastic!” Alex can’t help herself, “It was wonderful watching you, you made it look so easy and effortless, and it was just...oh, it was incredible.”
“Thank you.” Michael rubs the back of his neck. “I keep thinking about it, back when it was just the four of us.”
“Oh.”
“It’s better that he’s gone. He can maybe start to heal.. I don’t know. I know he was in pain for the longest time. I know what torture the cage was and I couldn’t…” Michael stops talking, his tension and distress clearly visible.
“You miss your brother.” Alex interprets gently.
“My brother died along time ago.”
“And you miss him. The angel he used to be.” She prods,keeping her voice soft and sympathetic. “The good times.”
“Yes,” He finally sits down, almost defeated by the admission, half slumped down in a way she’s only seen in his sister before. “No one could dance with me half as well as he could. No one ever challenged me like he did. He made me think, he… it doesn’t matter. He’s gone and though I know it’s for the best and I shouldn’t hurt so much, I do. And worse yet I’m grateful for it as well.”
“Because you didn’t have to be the one to kill him.”
“Do you know what it’s like? To know that someone you love more than anything is irredeemable, deserves to die, needs to die for the sake of others?”
“Yes, I do.” Alex says quietly.
“I suppose you do.” He gives a nod. “I was the only one who could do it. I knew from the beginning that if he succumbed to the darkness, I would be. I didn’t want to. I didn’t. I know everyone thinks I did, but… I wish more than anything that I could have saved him instead. I tried so hard to keep him in line. But I couldn’t… I never could. That’s not how I was made. I was made to destroy things not fix them. That’s all I’m good for.”
“I dunno, I can’t believe for a second you’re a better soldier than you are a dancer.” Alex shakes her head. Michael gives a small smile at this, knowing her opinion of his dancing skills makes it a compliment.
“Dancing is meaningless, purposeless nonsense.”
“No, it isn’t. You now what, ask Raphael about what dancing is good for, if you don’t believe me.” She says before he can complement that condescending look of hers with words. “But anyways, it’s not destructive. And you and Bree, Gabriel, when’s the last time you had so much fun together? Enjoyed each other’s company so much?”
“Days.” He leans back, tapping his fingers on the arm of the chair. “ I was in charge and she caused so much trouble, sometimes it seems like all I did was correct and chastise her. I should have made more time to just enjoy her company. If I had, maybe she wouldn’t have left.”
“Maybe, maybe not. We can’t know. But she’s here now. You can become closer now. Get to know each other, respect each other, Remember why you didn’t murder her in her sleep as a child.”
“That would be because she never slept.” Michael grins at the comment.
“Ha,ha. No really, you can have the relationship now that you wish you had. You have time now.” Alex points out.
“And we don’t have anyone getting in the way. Instigating things.” Michael looks out the window, deflating slightly as he says this.
“No, you don’t.”
“I’m not saying it was all his fault. I could have made the decision,taken the time. I felt she was with him too much, I could have had her spend more time with me. I just… didn’t.”
“But now you can.”
“Now I can.” Michael sighs. “Do you think she misses him too?” He asks after a minute’s silence. “No, if course not, he killed her…”
“You don’t stop loving someone just because they hurt you. And you don’t stop missing the good times just because you don’t miss the bad.”
“Has she said anything to you about it?”
“No. Just like I don’t talk about when I’m missing momma, my vampire mother and my brothers. Who could understand what it’s like to love monsters? Even after rejecting them and everything they stand for.”
“I do.” Michael says quietly, before lapsing into silence again. “Wouldn’t it hurt her? My saying that I miss the angel who killed her? How could I say that to her?”
“Well, maybe. Or maybe she’ll be able to admit to you that she feels the same way. None you ever really got to say goodbye. Whenever he was lost to you, you never truly had time to mourn the brother you loved and loved you. You all deserve the chance to do that.”
“Hey, Alex.” Babe taps her shoulder. “What’s got Michael all sullen and silent again?”
“I just talked with your brother about this, Bree. Why can’t you start knocking.” Alex frowns at her.
“Because I’m a little shit and larger pain in the ass?” Babe smiles at her. Alex gives a conceding nod. “So, spill, what’s up with sissy? She was doing so well.”
“You know I can’t tell you what we talk about. Why don’t you go ask him?” She turns back to her laptop.
“We don’t have that kind of relationship.”
“Would you like to?” Alex turns the swivel chair around from her cheap dollar store desk, and rests her head pensively on her head.
“Oh, no. You’re not working your wiles on me, woman. Save the Frasier crap for my sister. I get enough soul searching conversation from my SammyBear.” Babe flicks her nose. “No, really. She’s just sitting there deep in thought with a little frown that says she’s troubled about something.”
“Talk to Michael, Bree.”
“You can’t give me a little hint?” she weedles.
“I am. Talk. To. Michael.” Alex repeats slowly.
“She’s not going to talk to me. She’s not even talking to Raphael.”
“She will, I promise you just have to start the conversation.” Alex encourages her. Babe makes a face. “How do you usually start a conversation with Michael?”
“I… don’t? She usually starts our conversations. Usually big getting after me for some prank or something.” Babe shrugs.
“Okay. Have you tried? ‘Hey, sis. How are you?’ ” Alex gives a little wave. “Or saying ‘something seems to be on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?’ “
“Uh-huh. Okay... What else have you got?” Babe nods. Alex just looks at her.
“Come on. Just go downstairs and talk to your.. Michael. Talk to Michael, Bree. Go on. It’s not so hard.”
“Listen,” Babe scowls. “You don’t know how difficult it is to talk to Michael, though.” Alex just raises an eyebrow at this. “Oh, shut up.” Alex crosses her arms. “You’re being unreasonable, Alex.”
“I thought you two were getting along pretty well lately.” Alex reminds her.
“Yeah, and I don’t want to fuck that up by talking to her too much.”
“Talk to Michael, Bree.”
“Okay, okay! Geez, don’t twist my arm.” Babe throws up her hands and disappears.
Michael just sits on his sister’s pillow next, looking at the little blue hippo. What does he say? I know he killed you, but I miss him? Gabriel, do you remember the brother who murdered you? I find myself regretting his death. Alex is insane. Gabriel doesn’t miss him any more than Raphael. He’d probably be rejoicing in the streets if he didn’t know how little Michael would appreciate that.
“Michael! Come quick! It’s an emergency.” Gabriel appears grabbing his arm.
“What is it?” He quickly follows her out towards the atmosphere.
“It’s horrible!”
“What?”
“It’s the sun!”
“What’s happened to the sun?”
“It’s on fire!” She points to it. Michael stops where he is. “Michael?”
“For the love of all that is, what is wrong with you, Gabriel?”He demands testily. She, of course, just starts to laugh. “That’s not funny, Gabriel.
“It kind of is a little.” She gives him that little smile of hers.
“Don’t you have anything better to do than irritate me?”
“No. Are you okay? Raph’s kind of worried.” She asks looking away awkwardly. “He’s starting to think he’s done something else wrong, or that you’re still mad at him.”
“No. No, I’m not.”
“Is it me?”
“No.”
“Well, what is it?” It’s like pulling teeth. How the hell does Alex get anything out of him at all?
“Before your bachelorette party, the last time I danced was with your brother. With…”
“It’s okay, you can call him Helel. He wasn’t really Luciufer yet.” Gabriel comes slowly closer, reminding Michael of a small bird slowly hopping back and forth from a still hand full of seeds. “C’mon, let’s go to the moon, our momento from the last time we all had any real fun together.”
“I almost killed Raphael.” He protests.
“No, you almost destroyed the earth. Raph was only stunned.” She waves it off. “That was still a cheap trick. No wonder Raph hated him so much. It wasn’t really your fault, just Dad playing favorites again. I do miss watching you two dance though. It was… just amazing. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.”
“He was, wasn’t he?” Michael smiles. “Always the brightest thing in the room.”
“True, but he never shone brighter than when he was with you. I used to be so jealous.” Gabriel admits. “You two were so close and happy and he was asking a pain in the butt as I was but you still liked him better.”
“You were jealous of him?” Michael looks surprised.
“Both of you, honestly. Raphael and I aren’t that close. I used to wish you and Helel weren’t. Then you weren’t and I wished I hadn’t wished that.”
“He always took your side in any argument. In everything. You always looked to him first for anything.” Michael confesses. “I hated that so much.”
“Yeah, but that was because you always took Raphael’s side. He’d scold me when you couldn’t hear sometimes. Not often but sometimes.”
“He was always picking on Raphael, just so incredibly unreasonably and far too harshly, I had to defend him.”
“And you of course we never harsh at all, and never overreacted to anything. Just the epitome of even tempered serenity at all times.” Babe rolls her eyes.
“And..” Michael ignores the comments. “Raphael was never even remotely the little shit you two were.” Which is undeniably true. Raphael was always such a goody goody momma’s boy tattle tale, so Michael wouldn’t be the one who considered him a little shit. “I was so worried when you were made. I was worried Helel would be as dismissive and standoffish with you as he was with Raphael. But Dad knew what he was doing when he made you.”
“Aw. I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Babe smiles and lights down on the dark side of the moon. “It’s cold here.” She lies, as he knows very well she doesn’t feel temperature that way. But he smiles and sits beside her folding his wings around her, bathing her in the warmth of his grace.
“He adored you, mostly because you adored him. But so did Raphael at first, so that’s not really a good explanation.” Michael sighs.
“What? He did not.” She laughs in disbelief.
“He did. He doesn’t remember and would probably deny it if he did, but he did. It took a while for him to give up on winning him over. You, though, Helel loved almost from start, from that first big beaming smile you gave him. When he killed you, I know that there was nothing left of the angel I loved, that he was truly utterly beyond all redemption. That Helel Ben Sahar was well and truly dead and most likely had been for a long time.” Michael holds onto his sister tightly kissing her curly head.
“Please don’t tell me you’re proud of me.”
“I won’t. I know how you must have felt, brother against brother, it’s nothing to be proud of. Necessary maybe, but a point of pride? No. I am proud of you though. For so many things.”
“I’ll never be the angel you are, though. I always knew that. I’ll never be as strong or commanding or amazing a fighter as you are.”
“And I’ll never be as fun or funny or as fast as you. I’ll never be as smart or beautiful as Helel, or as patient and nurturing as Raphael. None of us is everything. That’s why Dad made so many of us. We’re all just bits and peices. That’s why we need each other. We’re not whole on our own. I just didn’t realize that until I was.” Michael rests his cheek against his sister’s head. They just sit in silence for a moment.
“I miss him,too.” She says after a minute. “Would you like to see him?” It takes even longer for Michael to answer.
“Yes.”
Sam steps into the abyss not sure whether to hope it takes him there or that it doesn’t. He told her he’d think about it, but in truth he doesn’t want to. Even slightly. It’s really something for Michael and Gabriel to bond over. He understands. He really does, but he doesn’t feel the same way.
“You came.” Babe rushes over to hug him as he appears at the white snowy area again. “I wasn’t sure. I’d have understood if you didn’t.”
“I know.” He gives her a kiss. “Is Raphael here?”
“Of course, Michael’s here so Raphael’s here.” She shrugs. “In the farthest corner.”
“You go with Michael. I’ll stand over with Raphael.” He pinches her cheek. She gives him a nod and knowing smile and walks back over the bridge.
“I’m surprised to see you here.” Raphael comments as Sam passes under the willows and walks over to him. “I assume it’s for emotional support.”
“Kind of.” Sam takes off his backpack and sticks more than a few large bottles of clear liquid into the snow before taking one and handing another to the angel. “I didn’t want you to be the only one here not mourning his death.” The comment makes Raphael twitch a smile.
“They’re discussing memories of him, mourning the brother they loved and lost. My first memory of my brother is running up to him to try and run my fingers through one of his beautiful feathers and having him shove me to the ground so hard I hurt several wings. The next one was of him calling me a useless brat while I cried. I never really saw much of a difference before and after the mark.” Raphael; looks at the bottle. “Vodka?”
“Probably the only way I’ll get through this. It’s probably not enough to do you any good, but feel free to try.” Sam opens his. “I hate him. I don’t understand him no matter what he thought and i don’t want to. I hate that we have anything trying us together and the very thought that we might have anything in common gives me chills.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Raphael lifts his vodka toasting each other before taking a drink and watching as Michael and Gabriel bond by their blackened brother, exchanging stories, parts they knew, and parts they didn’t. Towards the end, Sam could swear he sees something shine at the farthest tip of Helel’s outstretched fingers.