Long Long Time

Flying has always felt like breathing to James. He is addicted to the feeling of the wind against his face, the broom beneath his hands. Magical. Literally. What James loves even more than flying, is flying with Sirius.  

“Hurry up you fucker, my mother can fly better than you,” Sirius yells at James as he flies by him. The mental imagery of Walburga Black on a broom has James choking out a laugh. He ups his pace, and flies in the direction his best friend went. When he catches up to Sirius, they are both breathless.

“You’ve been in a good mood lately mate, anything I should know?” Sirius asks James.

Of course he noticed. Sirius knows him better than he knows himself. James hates lying, and he is awful at it too. But he can’t exactly tell Sirius that his brother is the one putting him in a good mood. James has seen Regulus almost every day for the past two weeks. He even got to talk to him this morning. Got to might be a stretch, more like he forced Regulus to talk to him but semantics. He still can’t believe it. But Sirius cannot know this. Not yet at least. James loves Sirius more than he ever thought was possible, but he can’t risk scaring Regulus off.

A voice from deep within is telling him that this is a bad idea. And he knows, oh how he knows, that this will hurt. He and Regulus might shine so bright for a while, but they will crash and burn. But what if that period of brightness is worth the inevitable pain that will follow? What if it’s worth it to be happy for a little bit, even if it can’t last? And what if it does last? a small voice whispers to him. James Potter is nothing without his blind hope. He must believe.

“Nothing special really, just in a good mood,” he eventually replies, putting on an overenthusiastic grin to distract Sirius. He does not want to lie to Sirius, but leaving things alone isn’t exactly his best friends’ greatest strength.  

“Really James? You think I’m buying that?”

“I don’t think you’re buying much of anything really, your hair is almost as greasy as Snivellus’s.”

Sirius gasps and looks so genuinely offended that James can’t help but laugh at his expression.

“You did not just compare my long and luscious curls to that deep frier,” Sirius says, sounding so wounded James is cackling now.

“Your ‘long and luscious’ curls are looking more and more like pubic hair,” James laughs at him.

“James Fleamont fucking Potter, you did not just say that to me,” his best friend says, eyes wide and jaw dropped. James is many things, but suicidal is not one of them, so he starts flying like his life depends on it. It probably does, knowing Sirius and his hair.

“You get back here you overgrown bastard!” he hears Sirius yell from behind him.

“Potter, Black, get down here you children,” Frank Longbottom, their Quidditch team captain, yells from the ground. Frank loves them. Really, he does. Just not the two of them together at practice.

James is forced to stop his attempted escape, and flies down with Sirius.

“Whatever is the problem, my master?” Sirius asks Frank when they land.

“I will kick you off my team Black, I swear to Merlin,” Frank replies, agitated like he always is when it comes to them. 

“Do not take my lover away from me you monster, whatever shall we do without him,” James chimes in, throwing his arms around his best friend.

“Yes Frank, whatever shall thou do without me,” Sirius says, holding James back.

“Can you two just shut up please,” Mary says. “Some of us would like to get on with our day.”

“Thou art cruel, MacDonald” Sirius replies, completely serious. Ha. Get it? Sirius, serious? Hilarious, I know.

“Focus boys. You both need this,” Frank says, trying to move the conversation on.

“Are you saying I suck, and I have no purpose in life and should just let death take me?” James deadpans. Honestly, what did you expect from him?

“You dream-crusher! I will be telephoning your mother about this later, Franky,” Sirius backs him up with.

“Yes Franky, your mother shall be hearing from us both. Perhaps we will be making a quick stop at Minnie’s for some biscuits and gossip.”

“Great idea, James. Let’s update Minnie on the horrors we’ve been subjected to,” Sirius says, clapping him on the shoulder with the arm he has around his shoulders. James shoots him a wide smile.

“Potter, Black, hit the showers,” Frank says. When James and Sirius don’t move, still holding each other, Frank yells, “Now, you fuckers!”

There is plenty of words to describe Sirius Black and James Potter, but for all their joking they do not wish to die a painful and slow death at the hands of Frank Longbottom on a quidditch pitch. They bow deeply, before turning around and running towards the showers.

“He so loves us,” James whispers to Sirius.

“Oh definitely,” Sirius laughs back at him.

                                                                    ***

James is back in the Astronomy Tower. He has been here for a while. He doesn’t expect Regulus to show up. The other boy had a quidditch match against Hufflepuff, which they won (to no one’s surprise), so James assumes there’s currently a party going on with all the Slytherins. He misses Regulus, as pathetic as it sounds. In a short time, James has become almost dependent on their conversations. Regulus is so refreshing. He is so different from anything James has ever experienced, and he is addicted to it. All of the sudden James hears footsteps behind him. He turns and, oh. There he is. Merlin, help me. This is the moment James Potter realises he might have a bit of a tiny (huge) crush on Regulus Black.

“Hey,” James whispers. Whispers. As if Regulus, who is standing on the other side of the room can hear his pathetic attempt at a greeting. How low can a person stoop?

“Hello,” Regulus replies, almost shyly. Regulus is a lot of things (beautiful, articulate, funny, brilliant, mean but in an addicting way that James loves, and did he mention beautiful?), but he is not shy. James arches a brow at the other boy, as Regulus comes closer. That is when James realises it. Regulus is…drunk?

“What’s going on?” James asks him. He didn’t even know Regulus drank. Why would you know?

“Slytherin parties are fucking dreadful I tell you,” Regulus slurs back at him. Yes, definitely drunk. This will be interesting.

“Maybe you should go to bed instead Reg? We can do this another day, I don’t mind,” James says.

“Why are you here then? If you want me to leave?

“I don’t want you to leave, Reg, I’m just saying you’re not exactly sober so maybe another day would work better?” James tries. In all honesty he would prefer it if Regulus stayed, but he doesn’t want Regulus to do or say something he will regret while he’s drunk. That would probably lead to him withdrawing from him, and James simply can’t let that happen.

Regulus just smiles at him, before he bursts out laughing.

“No, you owe me some questions,” Regulus says. Apparently we’re not shy anymore I see.

“What?” James has no clue what Regulus means. Questions?

“Your game, the self-explanatory one that you still felt the need to explain,” he slurs back at James.

It takes James a moment to realise what Regulus means.

“20 questions you mean? You sure you want to do that right now? You aren’t exactly…” he trails off while gesturing to Regulus.

“Stop fussing over me, Potter. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”

James arches a brow and looks the other boy up and down before saying, “Really?”

“It will take more than some Jello-shots to stop me,” Regulus confidently announces. James is trying everything in his power not to cackle at the sight before him.

“Jello-shots?” he snorts out, incapable of stopping himself.

“Mhm, blame Evan. Or Dorcas actually, yes let’s blame Dorcas,” Regulus says, more to himself than anyone else.

“Who is Dorcas?” James asks curiously.

“My best friend. Now the questions.” James is surprised Regulus answered so honestly, but his filter is probably a bit…out of order at the moment.

Regulus sits down on the floor in front of James and looks up at him. He is clearly displeased with something. Suddenly he reaches out and pulls at James arm.

It is the first time they’ve touched, and James can’t help but pray it won’t be the last. He follows Regulus down on the floor, sitting ahead of the other boy, their knees touching.

“James,” Regulus says sternly.

“Regulus,” James replies in the same voice. If he was alone right now, he would kick his feet and giggle because Regulus is calling him James and touching him. He obviously does not do this. But he wants to. Badly.

“What is your favourite song? I will judge you heavily based on your answer,” Regulus tells him, and James can’t help but laugh at his serious expression.

“I love a lot of songs, I’m not very picky, but if I had to choose one…” he trails of thinking. James just loves music. He doesn’t care what band it is or what genre. He just enjoys it. All these people who have put in so much effort and work to create something is simply beautiful to James.

Eventually he settles on saying, “Probably Going to California by Led Zeppelin. The live from 1971 version, if we’re being specific.”

“Good answer, you’re approved,” Regulus responds, nodding his head in agreement.  

“You know Led Zeppelin?” James asks, honestly surprised. Regulus keeps doing that, surprising him.

“Of course I do James, I have taste,” he slurs back. James hums in approval.

“What’s your favourite song?” he asks the other boy.

“Long Long Time by Linda Ronstadt,” Regulus says quietly, as if the words hold some secret meaning James doesn’t yet understand.

 James wants to know, wants to understand everything about Regulus. Regulus makes him feel like the best version of himself. He makes him feel…good. He makes him feel comfortable, like he doesn’t have to try to be someone he isn’t. He can just be him, for once.

“I’ve never heard it before, what is it about?” he asks.

Regulus is a very private person, so James treasures every bit of information he gets. This is another thing Regulus has chosen to share with him, and James is curious.

“Well, I guess you’ll never know,” Regulus replies, smirking slightly at James. The smirk suddenly forces James to think about his great grandmother.

“Really, Reg?”

“Really, James,” Regulus says trying to mimic James’s voice. He is not very successful.

As if he was just struck with an idea, Regulus announces “I have another important question.”

“Go for it,” James says. Anything to talk to you.

“Would you rather kiss Snape or Mulciber?” Regulus asks, not even a hint of humour on his face. James can’t help but laugh now.

“That is your super important question, Reg?” he laughs.

“I like that,” the other boy smiles. That fucking smile.

“Like what?”

“Reg,” he replies, closing his eyes. “You didn’t answer the question, James.”

“I think I’d rather die actually,” James replies.

Regulus seems to find this extremely funny for reasons James does not understand. He isn’t joking. Then out of nowhere, Reg asks, “What about me?”

Did he just-. No that is obviously not what he meant. Obviously. Right?

“What do you mean?” James asks, heart racing. His hands are going numb, the world around them slowly fading away until it seems like it is only him and the boy in front of him in it.

“Would you kiss me?” Regulus repeats, looking straight at James, never once shying away from his gaze.

Oh, fuck me with a ten-foot pole.

“Reg, you’re not sober. I think we should- “James is cut off by Regulus’s lips pressing onto his before he has the chance to even think. Regulus is kissing him. Regulus (!!!) is kissing him. Regulus Black just kissed James Potter. James is kissing Regulus. They are kissing. Right now.

Before he can even process anything of what just happened, Regulus pulls away abruptly. James immediately longs for him back.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Regulus mutters to himself, getting up from his position on the floor. 

“Reg- “James tries to interrupt.

“I am so sorry. Fucking fuck. What did I do?” Regulus is pacing now, looking completely distraught.

“Regulus you-“

“I need to leave. Like now,” Regulus says before (there is really no other way to describe it) sprinting away like his life depends on it, leaving James alone and bewildered.

What the fuck.

                                                              ***

It’s been 5 days since Regulus Arcturus Black fucked everything up. As usual. Actually, this time he fucked up even more than usual. Regulus (with a few shots too many in his system, fuck you very much Dorcas) thought that kissing James Potter would be a great idea. Honestly, who can blame him? James Potter is sunshine in human form. He is sickeningly sweet. And understanding. And attentive. And funny. (And hot as fuck but Regulus has not lost all his dignity just yet).  

For the past 5 days, he has avoided James like the plague. He knows that James has tried to contact him because he has deliberately been ignoring him (it’s kind of Regulus’s specialty). Regulus can’t face him. He knows what James will say, how he will react. It’s too much for him.

He prefers to live his life in pending doom. Avoid all your problems at all costs, until they punch you in the face. Regulus has made sure that he is never alone, always walking around the castle with someone. He has not gone to the Astronomy Tower. He has eaten all his meals in his room. He has pulled out all the stops. Regulus has had enough rejection for a lifetime, he does not need James’s too. But what Regulus did not consider was James Potter and his fucking stubbornness.

Regulus almost always spend his nights out on the Quidditch pitch. For the past five days he has avoided this too just in case James somehow finds him there too, but tonight he risked it. Another idiotic decision on his end, because as he is flying around the pitch, he spots James Potter’s oversized hair down on the ground. Salazar save him. He really thought James would give up by now. And how the fuck did he find him here? Not even Evan and Barty knows he goes out here during the nights. Regulus can’t phantom why James is so insistent on rejecting him, but oh well. I guess this is happening, he thinks.

Regulus flies down and lands a few meters ahead of the other boy. James immediately rushes over to him. I would rather kiss my mother’s feet than have this conversation.

“If we could reschedule this for a night where I don’t have training the next day, that would be lovely. Brusing doesn’t make flying very comfortable, you see,” he says.

“What?” James replies with a scowl on his face. Regulus is getting a bit tired of this whole hero act.

“Let’s not pretend like you aren’t here for some queer bashing. I would kindly ask you to avoid the face, wouldn’t want too many questions,” Regulus says. His tone is casual and cold, like always, but he won’t pretend like this won’t hurt. He really did think James was…different. As stupid as that sounds. 

“Regulus, what the fuck are you talking about?” James sounds angry now. This is all a waste of time. He thinks they should just get started so he can move on.

“Drop the act, Potter.”

“What act, Regulus? I’m not here to fucking- what? I can’t even…” James shakes his head, looking discombobulated. He mutters something to himself that Regulus can’t hear. Regulus thinks this whole situation is quite dramatic, really. James is pacing back and forth now. Regulus can’t help but roll his eyes.

“Is this your first beating or what? You’re acting quite dramatic if I must say so myself,” he says after a few minutes.

James stops his pacing, and when his eyes meet Regulus’s, Regulus would’ve gasped or something if he wasn’t emotionally constipated (do not tell Dorcas he admitted this) and incapable of displaying emotions properly. James looks like he is on the verge of tears. What the fuck? Regulus has to deal with tears now too? He did not sign up for this.

“You think I was here to beat you up? You really think I would do that?” James asks with a broken voice. Regulus thinks that’s a bit of a stupid question considering their entire conversation. Regulus has made it very clear that that is what he expected, but he will not tell James that. Not when he is looking at him like that.

“Why else would you be here?” Regulus shrugs, trying to keep his voice calm. He has no idea where this is headed. Regulus isn’t used to not being in control, to not know. But James Potter keeps surprising him.

“I just wanted to talk to you,” James replies and Regulus is so close to losing it. This fucking man and his stupid beautiful eyes. Hasn’t Regulus suffered enough? He really isn’t interested in James giving him a rejection speech.

“I’ll save you the trouble. You are not interested, you want me to stay far away, don’t tell Sirius, and goodbye,” Regulus says before he turns around and starts walking. He can’t look at James, not now. He hates himself for allowing this to go on for as long as it did. He knew it was bound to end, so why does it still hurt?

He only manages to take a few steps before he feels someone grab his shoulder and turn him around. And suddenly, he is kissing James Potter. Again. James’s lips crash onto his own, and Regulus gasps into his mouth. This kiss is more intense than their first one. Regulus can’t think clearly, James is everywhere. His hand is gripping Regulus’s neck, pulling him closer. Regulus brings his hand up to James’s shoulders to support himself, leaning into the other boy. He kisses James with everything he has, and James is just as eager. Regulus never wants to move. This is it, he thinks. This is what I’ve been waiting for. James lets out a small sound and Regulus might just die right now. Salazar have mercy on me, he thinks, not for the first time that night. Regulus Black is kissing James Potter. James Potter is kissing him. Regulus Black is kissing James Potter. Shit.

Regulus pulls away abruptly. He cannot stress enough how bad of an idea this is. Think, Regulus.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have just kissed you like that,” James says still breathless from their kiss. Regulus needs James to not speak to him with that voice right now. Or look at him like that. He is trying his best to think but James is making it extremely difficult. Oh, you weak, weak, man.

“That’s not it James just-,” he trails off. He takes a deep breath before continuing. This is the right thing to do Regulus. You know you can’t have him anyways. “What’s your plan here James? You understand that this could never work, right,” Regulus says, voice more defeated than he’d like. Pull yourself together, Black.

“We can’t know that until we try though, Reg,” James replies and Regulus thinks he might die right here, right now. He is not strong enough for this. James can’t stand there looking like that, calling him Reg. Regulus thinks the Gods are cruel, cruel beings.

“You realise who you’re talking to right? This is a very bad idea, James,” he says while shaking his head. Regulus needs James to understand this. He needs James to remember who he is. Regulus does not want to be the person responsible for dimming James’s light, he refuses to be the one to drown his bright fire.

“If you truly don’t want to give this a chance I will walk away right now, just say the word. But if you are trying to push me away because you think you are protecting me or some bullshit like that then please Reg…just-,” James trails off, looking for the correct words. “I like who you let me be, and I really fucking like you.”

Regulus Black likes to think he is a relatively strong person. Coming from a family like his forces you to be. But this. This is what breaks him? James Potter looking at him with wide and desperate eyes. Really, Regulus? He has never felt more pathetic in his life. This is a whole new level of deplorable.

Regulus nods his head the slightest bit. He doesn’t want to admit defeat just yet. James lights up like a Christmas tree. He really does wear his emotions on the outside.

“I need words, Reg,” James says, while trying (and failing) to supress his grin, obviously hoping Regulus means what he thinks he does.

“Yes, fine,” Regulus replies, feigning annoyance. His attempt at a carelessness is not exactly successful.

James looks like he just won the Quidditch world cup, and Regulus thinks he is being quite dramatic about this whole ordeal. But he can’t ignore the way it makes him feel. Foolishly, Regulus loves it.

James takes a step closer to Regulus, and hesitates for a bit before he asks, “Can I kiss you?”

Regulus snorts. “So now you ask?”

Before James has the chance to reply, Regulus shakes his head and presses their lips together. He can feel James smiling against his mouth, and he can’t help but feel like he’s home. James kisses Regulus softly, as if he is trying to savour the moment. Regulus is happy oblige.

Regulus knows- they both know that this is doomed to end in tragedy. Regulus knows that their story is not one people give happy endings. He knows that the villain does not get the hero. It doesn’t work like that. He knows he is only hurting himself. But just this once, he selfishly does not care. All his life he has been waiting and wanting. Now he is allowing himself something, even if its temporary. He knows he will regret it, but right now, in this very moment, he is kissing James Potter, and he has never felt more free.