Long Long Time

James Potter is not someone who´s presence goes unnoticed. James Potter is a great Quidditch player. James Potter is a good friend. James Potter is a marauder. James Potter is a prefect. James Potter loves with everything he has. If you were to ask people how they´d describe him, the word “happy” would be repeated by them all. But James Potter is not enough. He truly tries his best, but he is a failure. James Potter is an eccedentesiast. Sometimes he feels like a fraud. He was assigned a role. He was told who he was, how he was, what he feels. He is the happy friend. He is the optimist, the extrovert, the blissful one. He knows he can’t complain. James has incredible parents, and he had a great childhood. James has not been scarred by this world the same way his friends have. He should be grateful. He knows how awful this world can be, he has seen it himself, heard the stories his friends have told him. He knows. Which is why he is so ashamed. How can he complain? James does not know pain the way his friends do.

“Fuck me Moony, you’re bloody brilliant”, Sirius exclaims. James sees Remus turn red and look down at the half-eaten toast in front of him. This is yet another thing James hasn’t experienced. Yearning. Remus Lupin has been in love with Sirius Black since they were eleven. It is painfully clear to James. What is also painfully clear to James is Sirius´s oblivion.
“It´s not that big of a deal it´s just a record player”, Remus murmurs to his toast.
“Just a record player?! Moony, my love, I could fucking kiss you. You just saved this party!”, Sirius reaches over the table and puts his hands on Remus´s shoulders and grins at him.
Sirius is a very affectionate person. James can only imagine how painful it must be for Remus. Of all the people at Hogwarts he fell for Sirius fucking Black. Don’t get him wrong, James loves that lunatic more than anything in the world, but Sirius isn’t the best at interoperating signals one could say. He needs things spelled out for him, and James doubts Remus will ever tell Sirius about his feelings. Remus Lupin tends to suffer in silence. He fights his battles alone. It hurts James to see his friend so deeply in love with the other and knowing nothing will ever come from it. Sirius has quite the reputation, and James is sure he will live up to it at the party tonight too.

James hasn’t been himself lately. He knows the others have noticed. He isn’t sure how to describe it, but he has been feeling off. Sirius confronted him about it, thinking something had happened, and James had to very clumsily try to assure Sirius that nothing was wrong. But James has never been a good liar. He knows Sirius didn’t believe him, but the truth is James doesn’t know if anything is wrong. He has no idea why he feels the way he does, let alone explain what it is he´s feeling. There´s just something…missing.

In a desperate attempt to save Remus from what he can only imagine must be torture, James asks Sirius about what he´s planning on wearing. This expectedly makes Sirius rant for several minutes, and James can see Remus trying to pull himself together. The full moon is only a few days away, so Remus is having more trouble controlling himself than he normally would. Remus scares James sometimes. He is so good at masking his emotions. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear. James is scared it will one day destroy him.

***

The party is better than James expected. He may be slightly intoxicated which may be affecting his opinion, but he was prepared for a long and boring night. So far, he has been proved wrong. A lot of people showed up, and it looks like everyone´s having a good time. He even saw Evan Rosier on the dance floor, which means some Slytherins showed up. Regulus Black is probably here, a small voice in the back of his mind informs him. Merlin help us all if he is, James thinks. Sirius and Regulus in the same room is never a good idea.

James thought the alcohol might help him let loose a bit, maybe make this feeling go away for a while, but so far it hasn’t. He isn’t exactly sad, but he isn’t happy either. He decides to look for Remus. Remus has a way of always making everything better. As James scans the room something quickly captures his attention. Sirius is on the dance floor next to…no that can’t be right. James shakes his head. He must be hallucinating. He looks back and he almost falls over. Sirius bloody Black is dancing with Evan Rosier? James must’ve been drugged, that is the only explanation for this. There is no way Sirius is dancing with his little brother’s best friend.
“Merlin” James whispers out loud to himself.

“Merlin is correct” a deep voice replies next to him. James is sure he just had a heart attack. It seems he found Remus.

“Fuck me in the arse, you scared the shit out of me” James slurs.

Remus cringes. “That is really not a great thought to put in your mates head, James.”

“You saying I’m ugly Lupin?” James says, while clutching his imaginary pearls. “Don’t even bother pretending you wouldn’t be all over this if you had the chance, lover boy”, James confidently announces while gesturing to himself.

“Did you just call me lover boy? Really James?” Remus deadpans.

“Ha! You didn’t deny it” James says victoriously. He then proceeds to do a very embarrassing dance he definitely would not do if he was sober, and for a second there Remus looks so uncomfortable that James actually thinks he might just leave.

“Are you done now?” Remus asks after James’s too long dance.

“What´s up Moons? I was looking for you right before you decided to try and murder poor old me.”

“I am literally older than you.”

“By 17 days, get off you high horse” James responds. After a little silence James gets the feeling that something is wrong.

“You okay there Remus? You don’t exactly radiate joy.”

Remus turns to James, quietly observing him. James, like the drunk wanker he is, says the last thing he should because he has no filter and apparently no understanding of personal boundaries.

“Is it Sirius?” he asks. He watched Remus immediately shut himself down, mask in place.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Remus says, voice cold and quiet. In hindsight, James understands that a random school party was not the place nor time for this conversation. Drunk James on the other hand does not realise that. Drunk James is tired of pretending not to notice. Drunk James doesn’t think about the consequences.

“It must be difficult is all, seeing him dance with everyone but you” (James is very fucking aware that someone should just Avada him). He winces the second the words leave his mouth. He did not intend for it to sound so harsh.

Suddenly Remus grabs his wrist and drags James through the Common Room where the party is, and up the stairs towards their dorm. The second the door closes behind James, Remus lets his wrist go and turns around to face him.

“What the fuck are you talking about James?” Remus demands, voice cold, though James notices a slight quiver in it. James knows he looks like an idiot, eyes wide and blinking up at Remus, mouth open.

“I-I didn’t…it’s just…uhm, you know?” In no universe would anyone understand what James is trying to say.

“I meant like…you know? Like- fuck.” James sighs. Theres no way of getting out of this one.

“I know, Remus. I see the way you look at him and I just…I’m sorry. I didn’t think” James apologetically says, looking down at his shoes. He has a way of always fucking up when it matters the most. When Remus doesn’t say anything, James looks back up expecting to find a furious Remus. Instead, he looks up and is met by Remus´s terrified face. He is looking at James like he is Voldemort himself. James feels absolutely disgusted by himself. He never wants anyone to fear him, let alone his best friend.

“I’m so sorry Remus” James whispers. Remus just blinks at him, in shock.

“How did you…” Remus starts, but his voice cuts off halfway.

James sees tears form in his eyes. Oh fuck. Oh no, no, no. What did he just do? And then Remus does the last thing he expected. He starts begging.

“Please don’t tell anyone James, I will do anything you want I promise, just please don’t tell anyone.” James has never seen Remus look so desperate, so…hopeless. It´s so unexpected that James just freezes.

“I can ask McGonagall to move me to another dorm if it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll stay away from all of you, I’ll never talk to you again I promise I’ll stay away just don’t tell anyone.”

Remus is crying now, there is no denying it. James sees the first few tears silently run down his face and his heart shatters. Speechless, James reaches for Remus and hugs him. Remus stiffens, and for a minute James is scared he’ll pull away. Did he just lose Remus? Then Remus collapses against him. He wraps his arms around James’s waist, and James feels him silently crying against him. He tightens his hold around him, pressing Remus’s head into his chest. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

“It’s okay Remus” he whispers. “You’re okay.”

James is panicking. He has never seen Remus cry. You’re the reason he is crying. You did this. It’s your fault. Everything is your fault.

While he’s holding Remus, his words from earlier finally start to sink in. James feels his stomach drop.

“Remus?” he whispers.

James feels Remus stiffen against him. Is he scared? Is his best friend scared of him? He gently nudges Remus, trying to get him to look at him.

“Moony, can you look at me please?”

Remus takes a deep breath in, and James feels every inch of him stiffen as he slowly raises his head. When their eyes meet James feels like someone just stabbed him. Remus is terrified.

“Nothing is wrong with you, Remus. Absolutely nothing, you hear me? I won’t tell anyone Moons, I promise. It is not my secret to share.”

James has no idea what he’s supposed to say, he just needs Remus to stop looking at him like that, to stop being afraid of him.

“I am so sorry Remus” he says desperately.

He needs Remus to understand. Remus is shaking his head. He opens his mouth, and James’s heart is racing.

“I- “he starts but cuts himself off. “How long have you known?”

James has no idea if there’s a right or wrong answer here. What if he scares Remus away?

“First year?” James ends up responding and immediately regrets it when he sees Remus’s eyes widen even more.

“Pardon?” Yes, he definitely fucked up.

“I- I mean I just always thought there was something…different between you two, you know? You had this connection that the rest of us didn’t, and I just…yeah.” James thinks the world would be a better place if someone ripped his tongue out.

“All these years…you never said anything?”

He isn’t sure if it’s a question or if Remus is just thinking out loud, but if James Potter was someone who knew when to shut up, they wouldn’t be here in the first place.

“I thought it was none of my business. You’d tell me when or if you wanted.”

Remus gives him a look that clearly says he disagrees.

“I am aware of the irony yes. I’d like to blame the alcohol and the years of eye-fucking I’ve been forced to witness.”

It is probably too early to be making jokes, but again, James is not great at keeping is mouth shut. James sees a small smile pull at Remus’s lips, and he has never felt more relived in his life. He could kiss Merlin’s stinky feet.

“I love you Remus. This doesn’t change anything. You can trust me you know.”

“I know that James, I just-“ he trails off. “Thank you. Truly. For not, you know, throwing me out.”

“Fuck you, you just want me to deal with these lunatics on my own! I fear you’re stuck with us forever.”

Remus huffs a small laugh while shaking his head. Suddenly he’s pulling James in. For the millionth time this night James is surprised. Remus is never one to initiate physical contact, especially not hugs.

“I love you too, James.”

***

Remus said he was going to bed, but James suspects he just wanted some time alone. Now James is back in the common room. The party is still going strong, and James is over it. He somehow feels even worse than he did before the party, and all he wants to do now is sleep. He would’ve gone up to their dorm if it wasn’t for Remus. The very least James can do for Remus now is leave him alone for a bit. Remus needs to process things alone, he always has. James decides to go for a walk, could really use some peace and quiet right now. He settles on the Astronomy Tower. It’s where he goes when he needs time to think. No one ever thinks to look for him there.

Since James’s head is a mess after the situation with Remus, he forgets his invisibility cloak. Something his brain kindly reminds him off when he is in the middle of the hallway and sees Mrs. Norris walking towards him and hears Filch’s graving voice. So, what does he do? He turns around and fucking runs. He finds a broom closet and sends a little prayer to Godric Gryffindor. After he is certain Filch isn’t standing outside ready to send him into cardiac arrest, James exits the broom closet and continues his journey to the Astronomy Tower.

When he finally arrives at his destination, James is, again, surprised. In front of him stands none other than Regulus Black himself. James freezes in the door opening, not sure what he’s supposed to do. Has Regulus even noticed him? The smart thing to do would be to leave. Right now. Immediately. Get the fuck out of there James. And oh, would you look at that, he takes a few more steps into the room. Yeah, Regulus definitely knows he is here now, considering he is staring him down. Well, no turning back now, I guess.

“Hey” he, for some reason, pathetically says. Not for the first this evening James wishes someone would remove his ability to talk.

“What do you want, Potter?”

“I-I’m not sure really” Well fucking said, Potter.

Regulus just stares at him expectedly. Is James supposed to say something? He’s a bit confused if he’s being honest. This is a very strange situation and one he definitely did not predict. He thinks Regulus is trying to communicate something to him. He is so certain of this that he decides to state it out loud.

“He is trying to tell you something, James.”

“Did you just talk to yourself out loud, Potter?”

“No.” James confidently replies, even though he quickly realises that he did, in fact, talk to himself out loud. When will this day end?
Regulus is looking at him like he can’t believe his eyes. James must agree with him on that, because he did not realise until this very moment, how pretty Regulus is. Oh, fuck me. This man is gorgeous. His perfect curls, sharp cheekbones, and intense hazel green eyes. His very sad looking hazel green eyes. Did James interrupt something?

“Well? Are you leaving or what?” Regulus snaps.

“Oh-uhm…no?” Someone shove him of a roof please.

“Pardon?” Regulus looks genuinely baffled. Once again, James must agree with him. He has no clue what he is doing, but it’s too late to back out now.

“I wasn’t really planning on leaving.” And why is that, James? This is definitely not a good idea. James can’t blame the alcohol anymore either, he is barley tipsy.

“Why?” Regulus asks, looking extremely confused. James thinks it’s the most emotion he has ever seen Regulus show.

“Well, if you’re not going to hex me or something I wouldn’t mind staying for a bit. You’re looking a bit sad and I’m sad so maybe we can just be sad together, you know?”

James just stands there awkwardly while he waits for Regulus to do something. The other boy looks confused and almost…angry? Did James say something wrong? Then Regulus decides to surprise him.

“Fine.”

“Fine what?”

“You can stay.”

“Oh, well-uh-thank you.”

“Do not thank me, Potter. It’s not like I can force you to go away anyways.” That is a lie and they both know it. If Regulus wanted him gone, he would be. James decides, for once in his life, to shut up and accept the olive branch.

He walks further into the room and stands next to the other boy.

“So why are you here? I saw your friends at the party.”

“I said you could stay, Potter. I did not agree to small talk.” Right. Of course.

They stand in silence for a few minutes, and James finds that he doesn’t mind it as much as he thought he would have. James Potter is not exactly a quiet person.

“Parties aren’t my thing” Regulus surprises him by saying after the silence. Is he hallucinating? Is he actually standing in the Astronomy Tower, talking to Regulus Black?

“Mine neither really” James replies. Regulus immediately sends him a look that tells him he does not believe James. James can’t help but let out a small laugh.

“I know, I know. James Potter doesn’t like parties?” he shakes his head. “James Potter might like parties, but I don’t.” The confession is more revealing than James intended. He has no idea why he is telling Regulus of all people this. Regulus gives him a curious look, encouraging him to continue.

“Who I am, and who people think I am are two very different people is all.” Regulus gives him a slight nod.

“A big part of who I am, is who I am not” the younger boy replies. Regulus has rendered him speechless (easier said than done, James, as established, loves to talk).

“Why are you sad?” James’s curiosity forces him to ask, after another short silence. Regulus laughs, and James fears it is a sound he will never forget.

“Well, isn’t that the million-dollar question.”

James wrinkles his nose. “What’s a dollar?”

“Muggle money,” Regulus shocks him by replying. James’s shock must be obvious because Regulus snorts at his expression.

“Stop looking at me like I just murdered your owl, Potter.”

“I just- you know muggle things?”

“I do in fact have the ability to read, yes. Though I realise that may not be the case for you, with the way you’re gawking at me.”

“It just surprised me. That you, you know…”

“That I am not illiterate? Why thank you for the vote of confidence” Regulus sarcastically drawls.

“You know what I mean” James shoots back. Regulus just rolls his eyes and turns away from James. Of course he has a great side profile, isn’t this just lovely.
“You didn’t answer my question though” James says after a few minutes.

“In no world is anyone capable of understanding what you have been trying to say during our conversation, Potter.”

James knows Regulus knows what he means. He can tell by the way Regulus stiffens just the slightest bit. James should back off. James should leave Regulus alone. He should not be here, in the middle of the night, quizzing Sirius’s brother about things that are none of his business. But Regulus is intriguing, and James can’t help himself.

“Why are you sad?”

“Why are you?”

“I’m not sure. I just- “James has to look away from Regulus’s intense gaze. “People expect me to be a certain way. Sometimes it’s a bit exhausting really.” James shrugs. “So, why are you sad?”

“Same reason you are,” Regulus replies, turning away from James. James is surprised Regulus answered him. He was expecting to be shut down again.

“Do you want to-like…talk about it?” James says while awkwardly scratching his neck. If you told him he would end the night talking to Regulus Black about feelings, James would’ve reported you to Dumbledore for drug use.

Regulus turns around and cackles. He actually cackles. The sound is so unexpectedly pretty that James is caught off guard. James decides that he must hear this sound more. Everything about Regulus changes when he laughs. He looks so much more comfortable and relaxed. His smile is hypnotizing. James wants to flirt with him. James Potter has an intense urge to flirt with Regulus Black. What the fuck?

“No, Potter, I do not want to discuss feelings with you,” Regulus says once he stops laughing. He is still smiling, and James decides that he will make it his personal mission to make the other boy smile as much as possible. James can’t help but smile either. This is such a surreal situation.

“I realise how insane that sounded, yes” he says. “But if you don’t mind, I’d like to stay here until the party is over, and I’m not exactly known for being quiet now, am I?”

“Is this your way of asking for small talk? Are you really that desperate?”

“I will take that as a yes,” James replies with a smile.

And so, that is how the rest of his night is spent. In the Astronomy Tower. Talking to Regulus Black.