Chapter 1- Grieving for the living
Regulus Black is poison. He slowly drains the life from those around him. He is a disease. Regulus knows this. He has long ago stopped rejecting it. It is why he never blamed his brother for leaving like he did. Sirius was convinced he could save them both. Sirius thought there was still something worth saving in Regulus. Sirius was always too optimistic for his own good. He always saw what was never there. The day Regulus Black was born, his fate was sealed. Regulus embraced the hand he was dealt. He never saw the point in fighting it. Regulus Black is a dead man walking.
***
As he sits at the Slytherin table with Evan Rosier and Bart Crouch Jr., he can’t help it. His eyes immediately search for him. He finds his brother where he always is, sitting at the Gryffindor table between James Potter and Remus Lupin. On the other side of the table, Peter Pettigrew sits between two girls, Marlene McKinnon and Mary Macdonald. Regulus truly does not understand it. “The marauders” (as they so stupidly named themselves, extremely embarrassing, he knows) somehow has the whole school wrapped around their fingers. Well, perhaps apart from the Slytherins (though some of them seem to be more obsessed with the Marauders than anyone, *cough* Snape). The Marauders, with their overly loud and obnoxious personalities. People are so strange. Regulus does not understand the appeal. Publicly humiliating oneself is so fun and impressive, yes of course that makes so much sense. It causes him physical pain just thinking about James Potter´s millionth (very public) proposal to Lilly Evans, that she once again rejected (shocker).
“Who shat in your breakfast today, Reggie?” Evan very loudly asks. He hates the nickname, but he´d rather drown himself than tell Evan and Barty that. Oh yes you see my brother, who abandoned me alone in that house with my brilliant and loving parents used to call me that, so I would prefer it if you stopped calling me that too and constantly reminding me of the worst day of my life! Sounds just like something Regulus would say right? He has a super healthy relationship with his feelings and loves to communicate.
“One of these days that obnoxious voice of yours will get you killed Rosier, and I will be the one doing the killing” Regulus replies.
“Someone´s in a great mood today,” Barty snorts.
Regulus is literally never in a good mood, but especially not at 8 fucking am in the morning. Morning people scare Regulus more than his mother with her wand out. Regulus just stares Barty down. Barty stares right back at him, but Regulus knows Barty will crack first. As always, he is correct. Barty laughs and turns to Evan.
Regulus has a bet with himself, by the end of this year Barty and Evan will be dating. He is fairly sure Barty is in love with Evan, and he knows for a fact that Evan is in love with Barty because Evan very uncomfortably announced this to Regulus one night after he´d had a bit too much to drink. Feelings and all that shit is not his thing, so he had sat there awkwardly while wanting to die, listening to Evan rant about Barty´s beautiful eyes (Barty has boring brown eyes, Regulus does not see what is so revolutionary but oh well).
After what felt like an eternity, Evan had realised what he had just said and who he was saying it to and panicked. Regulus won’t lie, Evan´s reaction had hurt a bit. The fact that his own best friend doesn’t trust him enough to keep his secret isn’t exactly a wonderful feeling. Regulus tries not to read too much into it. He knows what his friends think of him. He´s a Black. They’re not exactly known for being open and inclusive. Evan´s reaction is really just evidence that his plan works. He needs to distance himself from people. He needs to make sure that when he dies, he won’t be missed. It sounds more depressing than it feels. Regulus knows he is dying. He knows that he will never grow old. He has long ago accepted this, and now he´s just making sure his friends will. He knows they will miss him at first, (or he selfishly hopes so), but Barty and Evan are good people. He needs them to move on. He needs them to live the life they deserve, together and happy. He doesn’t need to be missed. He doesn’t deserve to be missed.
“Can we move on to the important stuff now?” Evan asks with an unnecessarily dramatic sigh (in Regulus´s humble opinion). Regulus sends a questioning look. Evan´s definition of important is vastly different from Regulus´s, but he can’t help but be curious.
“Sometimes it genuinely baffles me how you two still have friends” Evan says, while looking at Barty and Regulus like they´ve just missed something important.
After a minute Evan practically yells “The party?! Hello?? There is no way you’ve both forgotten about the first party of our 5th year!”
Regulus has not forgotten. Regulus has deliberately not spoken about it for reasons he thought were obvious (why in the name of everything that is holy would he go to a party hosted by his brother and his brothers’ abnormal friends). He doesn’t think Barty has forgotten either, but shockingly, Barty is not a fan of parties. Or so he claims. Regulus thinks Barty is not a fan of Evan at parties (particularly the part where Evan always ends up kissing someone that is definitely not Barty).
“I knew you were mentally unstable, but I did not think you were insane just yet” Regulus responds.
“C´mon Reggie we can’t be the only ones not going! Even Snivellus is going you boring fuckers.”
Barty has gone still besides him. Regulus honestly thinks Barty is a coward. There is no way he is oblivious about Evans´s feelings towards him. Evan has never been the best liar, and compared to himself and Barty, Evan is an open book. An idea pops into his head. Regulus is nothing if not a menace.
“Fine let’s go” he says, clearly before thinking this through. Too late to take it back now, Evan is already grinning like a lunatic at him.
“I knew I kept you around for a reason, Black.”
Regulus just hexed himself in the foot. If they go to the party and Barty throws one of his tantrums when Evan ends up kissing someone else (because Evan will end up kissing someone else), Regulus can confront him about it. This could lead to Barty waking the fuck up, realising he wants to fuck Evan, and Regulus getting some peace and quiet. Honestly their sexual tension makes him sick. It is truly painful to watch them ‘talk’ (it is not talking; it is some sick form of exhibitionistic foreplay that he is the victim of). Regulus is just so tired of watching them making heart-eyes to each other (while he is often sitting in between them, again, he is the true victim here) and not doing anything about it. He may have forgotten about the part where he will have to make an appearance as well. He may have also forgotten that James Potter will be there. His biggest enemy (though Potter is not aware of this he suspects) and someone Regulus’s eyes may appreciate from time to time (daily), (this part he knows for a fact Potter is not aware of, and he intends on keeping it that way).
James Potter stole his brother. Regulus is aware that is not how it went down, but it is how he prefers to think of it. He does not blame Sirius for leaving, but he must blame someone. And this happens to be the person currently keeping his brother away from him. The person who took Sirius from him years before he left that house. Years before he left him. Regulus knows he took Sirius for granted when he had him. It’s funny how the loss of someone often makes you understand their true value. Regret is stronger than gratitude, he supposes.