therapy
Marvin was trying. He had been going back to work for a few days now and even though it drained him, he could manage. Whizzer was there at the end of hard days, and he barely saw his father, only early in the morning or late at night.
Whizzer and him, had decided not to drink for a little while, just in case it caused another burst of anger. Marvin had a hard time doing it, but it helped that Whizzer was committed too.
Marvin woke up on the first Wednesday of his therapy appointment. It was uncomfortable, to say the least. He had imagined himself there, sitting with his arms crossed, not buying a single thing the therapist might say. He would try, but… he couldn’t promise anything.
He had made sure he was free today, prompted by Whizzer, to ‘really take in the advice’. That didn’t make the dread of the appointment easier.
“Darling?” Whizzer came into the bedroom, already fully dressed and looking perfect as always. It made Marvin slump back a little more. Whizzer was an entirely different breed of man. Confident. Handsome. Happy.
“Hm?”
Whizzer handed him breakfast on a plate. The freshly brewed coffee calmed Marvin somewhat. That smell always held something incredibly homely.
“I am so proud of you.”
Marvin huffed at that.
“Baby, I mean it. I’m proud.”
“You’re proud that I’m so unstable I need help from some shrink?”
Whizzer sighed and sat down next to him.
“No, dumbass. I’m proud that you are taking care of yourself.”
“I’m only doing it for you. I couldn’t care less about it. If it were up to me…” Marvin trailed off.
Whizzer frowned. “Look, it may not seem like it, but it is something to be proud of.”
Marvin rolled his eyes. “Like you’d know.”
Whizzer frowned deeper and got up. “Enjoy your breakfast, dear.” He kissed him briefly and left.
Marvin ate slowly; if he did that, he wouldn’t have to go to therapy as soon.
Fifteen minutes before he had to be there, he got up, threw on some clothes, ran a hand through his hair and went downstairs. He looked around for Whizzer to kiss him goodbye. He found a note on the table instead.
‘I’m out with some friends. Short work session after. I’ll see you later tonight. Love!
- Whizzer’
Marvin frowned. Why hadn’t Whizzer come to him to say bye? It made him feel a certain kind of way he did not appreciate.
He got to his car and drove to the clinic. He tried to make up excuses in his head, to justify not going, on the way there. Anything to cancel. But he ended up there anyway. He went inside.
“So, Mr. Gardens.”
“Marvin,” he corrected with annoyance.
“Marvin,” the therapist- an awfully young woman to be judging him- echoed. “Why are you here?”
“Because my…” he hesitated. “Boyfriend made me,” he finally said.
The doctor nodded slowly. “You don’t want to be here?”
Marvin hummed in agreement. “That’s right.”
She raised her eyebrow. She closed her notebook. “Leave, then.”
Marvin looked up, meeting her eyes. “What?”
“Leave. If you don’t want to be here, leave.”
“That… excuse me?!”
“If you don’t want help, I can’t help you. It has to come from you first. So, here’s the chance to leave.”
Marvin glared at her. He crossed his arms and finally looked away. He didn’t move.
She opened her notebook again, to Marvin‘s annoyance.
“So why are you here?”
Marvin set his jaw. “I am sad sometimes.”
“Can you tell me something you’ve been sad about recently?”
“Recently? Hm. Let’s start with my goddamn parents.”
She nodded slowly. “There is a lot of anger there.”
“Don’t-” he sighed. “Don’t do that. Don’t state obvious things. It’s annoying.”
“Okay. Then tell me why you’re angry.”
Marvin rubbed his forehead slowly. “They’re getting a divorce.”
“Okay. Why is that effecting you?”
“Uhm- they’re my parents? Isn’t it normal to be upset over that?”
“Sure. Upset, yes. This angry? At your age? Not quite.”
He wanted to snap at her. But that would only confirm her accusations of anger. He wasn’t being childish, as she implied.
“You’re wrong. I don’t care that much at all,” he said with a mocking undertone.
“Okay. What are you sad about then?”
“Nothing. I am extremely happy,” he answered, sarcastic.
“Tell me about that.”
“What?”
“Your happiness. What makes you so happy?”
Marvin hesitated. “I don’t…” he frowned a little. He couldn’t think of a single thing.
The therapist didn’t say anything. Silence stretched out and Marvin grew more uncomfortable with each passing minute. He looked around the office, but there wasn’t anything that could distract him from the deafening silence. He hated silence. It just made it so he had to think and think and think. He moved his knee, uneasy. He refused to look at her, then realized how stupid that was. He met her eyes. She was just looking back at him blankly. He furrowed his eyebrows and tapped his fingers on his arm. He wasn’t going to break the silence.
After while, she started writing. Marvin followed the movement. It made him even more nervous. Screw this.
“I’m wasting my time here.”
“You can leave. I’m not holding you back.”
Marvin sniffed. He still didn’t move. He had to be better. For Whizzer. He had promised him. He might be empty, but his word still meant something. If his word lost meaning, he had absolutely nothing to stay for. The more he thought about it, the more the silence stayed, and made him biol over.
“They never looked at me,” he surprised himself with the words, and now, he felt he couldn’t stop. “They never gave me any care or attention or- or love. Nothing! I was left with some stupid maid who was supposed to take care of me and she did an awful job. And if I ever heard a word from them it was their yelling downstairs if it was late and I was supposed to sleep- and they forgot my birthday. Each year. And it didn’t matter what I did. They just kept away from me. And now they’re getting a divorce! Now?! After the shitty fucking youth they gave me- they choose to now- now finally fix their bullshit! They should have done that years ago!”
Marvin was talking fast, spitting out the words, speaking louder with each sentence.
The therapist just nodded. She didn’t say anything.
Marvin eyed her, then looked away. “Jesus, it doesn’t matter.”
“Why doesn’t it?”
“Because! It’s in the past. I can’t do anything to change it.”
“Yet it’s hurting you.”
“It’s stupid,” he spat.
“Why?”
“Like I said, it’s happened. It’s over.”
“But it isn’t over, or you wouldn’t be here.”
“That isn’t all that’s going on. There are other reasons I’m here.”
“What else is going on, Marvin?” she asked gently.
Marvin shrugged.
She nodded. “I’m afraid our time is up, Marvin, but know that this was a great step.”
He just huffed.
“I’ll see you next week.”
He nodded and left. He didn’t want to think about what he had said, so he ignored any thoughts he had about the session. He turned on the radio loud and let his thoughts drown out. It was always better like that. Something- anything- to distract him. He couldn’t see how therapy would help. Repeating memories and pains he had felt for years would do no one any good.
But as Marvin listened to the radio, he couldn’t deny he felt a little less heavy. He started singing along to the songs that came on.
Maybe Whizzer would be home early. That thought made him smile.